(no subject)
[private]
Today's message from Sacred Space,
Today Lord, you remind me that it is small profit to gain the whole world if I lose my own soul. Today you set before me life and good, death and evil. May I use this Lent to make more good and life-giving choices.
I am trying.
It's funny how a chance meeting can introduce you to someone so pivotal to your life. A chance meeting or the hand of God? A chance meeting, a spark of interest, a date, a desire to taste the forbidden, a disaster.
I made one very bad decision and have both suffered from and enjoyed the consequences since.
A spouse and a spawn.
I had to choose between my parents and my spouse as they engaged in a tug of war over Annie and I; I could never please either of them, I tried to maintain a balance, and I felt my soul slipping away in the process.
My husband left me with my parents to carry our child; he swooped in for her birth, then left me again. I felt unwanted, Annie terrified me. My parents wouldn't allow me to nurture her. Helga was hired and she mothered Annie as I finished High School and started college. And now my daughter, my sister, accuse me of not being a good mother.
This past year, after the Christmas Eve debacle, I realized I needed help. I met with a therapist who helped me to realize that I needed to put myself first, to stop trying to please everyone in my life. I decided to offer Doug a way out, a divorce. Miraculously, before I could tell him this, things improved between us, he indicated he wants to try to make our family whole again.
I think we've made some headway with Annie, at least she's talking to us again.
Gus has never been a problem, other than carrying him. I think he is the primary reason Doug wants us to try and reconcile.
I have some issues to work through with Doug, I guess the main one is to take his words at face value. I just know, in my heart, he hasn't been faithful to me. I came to terms with that long ago, when he stopped wearing his wedding ring and started sleeping in the blue guest room during his infrequent visits home. I thought he just preferred to have his fun on the side, revealing the fact that he had wife and family when the question of commitment arose.
I do want another child. But I'm afraid that I'll miscarry yet again. I know Doug has placed his faith in the High-Risk Pregnancy Clinic at GW, but he won't be the one lying in bed for months on end.
I'm afraid that both Annie and Doug will despise their newest sibling, turning away from me as Annie did when I carried Gus. I'm just afraid of trying this all again, I'm afraid we'll revert into our old rut.
Yet, that rut is very comfortable in its familiarity. I've always been a wife without a spouse, a mother without her children.
I'm afraid - yet I feel a sense of peace, as I have made a good and life-giving choice by placing all of this into the hands of the Lord.
I have to stop being such a bitch to Doug.
[/private]
Today's message from Sacred Space,
Today Lord, you remind me that it is small profit to gain the whole world if I lose my own soul. Today you set before me life and good, death and evil. May I use this Lent to make more good and life-giving choices.
I am trying.
It's funny how a chance meeting can introduce you to someone so pivotal to your life. A chance meeting or the hand of God? A chance meeting, a spark of interest, a date, a desire to taste the forbidden, a disaster.
I made one very bad decision and have both suffered from and enjoyed the consequences since.
A spouse and a spawn.
I had to choose between my parents and my spouse as they engaged in a tug of war over Annie and I; I could never please either of them, I tried to maintain a balance, and I felt my soul slipping away in the process.
My husband left me with my parents to carry our child; he swooped in for her birth, then left me again. I felt unwanted, Annie terrified me. My parents wouldn't allow me to nurture her. Helga was hired and she mothered Annie as I finished High School and started college. And now my daughter, my sister, accuse me of not being a good mother.
This past year, after the Christmas Eve debacle, I realized I needed help. I met with a therapist who helped me to realize that I needed to put myself first, to stop trying to please everyone in my life. I decided to offer Doug a way out, a divorce. Miraculously, before I could tell him this, things improved between us, he indicated he wants to try to make our family whole again.
I think we've made some headway with Annie, at least she's talking to us again.
Gus has never been a problem, other than carrying him. I think he is the primary reason Doug wants us to try and reconcile.
I have some issues to work through with Doug, I guess the main one is to take his words at face value. I just know, in my heart, he hasn't been faithful to me. I came to terms with that long ago, when he stopped wearing his wedding ring and started sleeping in the blue guest room during his infrequent visits home. I thought he just preferred to have his fun on the side, revealing the fact that he had wife and family when the question of commitment arose.
I do want another child. But I'm afraid that I'll miscarry yet again. I know Doug has placed his faith in the High-Risk Pregnancy Clinic at GW, but he won't be the one lying in bed for months on end.
I'm afraid that both Annie and Doug will despise their newest sibling, turning away from me as Annie did when I carried Gus. I'm just afraid of trying this all again, I'm afraid we'll revert into our old rut.
Yet, that rut is very comfortable in its familiarity. I've always been a wife without a spouse, a mother without her children.
I'm afraid - yet I feel a sense of peace, as I have made a good and life-giving choice by placing all of this into the hands of the Lord.
I have to stop being such a bitch to Doug.
[/private]