Cant sleep

[1precious1]

one of those times when the sun goes down and you know you need to close your eyes, rest your body, and feel like dreaming... and here I am. AWAKE. I don't know what to do now. It's 1:15, and the old Lindsay would probably be up reading or drawing or typing to her friends, but things have changed. I'm here now with Ed. And I suppose that anyone that has known me for the last seven months would say that's a good thing... We're here together, and learning and getting to know each other, and I'm not sure we're going to like it. I feel like I don't do a damn thing right. Know who else makes me feel like that? Dear Old dad. It's kinda like living with a younger version of my dad. He's stubborn. I love him, but he's stubborn. So we get into this fight tonight, and I step outside and cry my eyes out: simply because if I cry in front of him, I basically get yelled at. Yelled at because he says: "What's crying going to do to solve it?" Oh, this is a case for Psychology. Today, I helped my boss study for her psychology class, and I forgot just how interesting it can be. But what would I do with that? I'm interested in it, but I would probably get tired of hearing all of the damn categories that my life falls into! hah! But seriously.... Tonight, I sent off my resume to five or six different places in the Seattle area, hoping for some kind of response... I want to get a job there.! There was one position that was particularly interesting, working for the Chamber of Commerce...I have probably got no chance in hell, but why not? It was a job in communications, creating flyers, and brochures, and being a "Communications Manager" between city functions... Maybe I'll get a surprise tomorrow, and someone in Washington will want to hire me, and Ed and I will live happily ever after! yay! I've calmed down considerably since about an hour ago.... where I pulled myself out of bed, took the keys and sobbed myself silly in my car. And the thing that sucks about it is: no one cares. well, of course if any of my friends knew what I was doing, they would... but... that's for me to know, and no one to find out.... Reminds me of the Keaton Simons song: "Too Proud, to leave you" Why would I wait all this time for someone to be here, and he doesn't even love the REAL me? He doesn't love the me that giggles when she's being tickled... He doesn't love the me that loves music~ he tends to make fun of all my music... He doesn't love the me that cries. I knew this about myself, and I thought that he did too..but maybe not. Then again, maybe he does love me, and he's so stuck in life in Pennsylvania... that he's not ready to love me the way I need to be loved. I know that he left his children, I know that he left his house, his car, his job... but I believe that is what he NEEDED to do, for himself, and I'm glad he did, because obviously, he needed a new start...
But is going straight from there to here the right way? Am I enough? I sure as hell don't feel like enough, he's casting his parental role out onto me... and I'm not sure if it's because he cares, and wants me to be a better person, or he's left his children, and the only role that he feels he should approach me with is the parental figure....
Speaking of parental figures, my dad still refuses to meet Ed. the blinking cursor waits for the next chapter...
I keep typing, and feeling better about being able to pour my emotions out. Kinda funny, when I was with Robert, I didn't type or write very much at all, and I promised myself that I wouldn't do that again, I wouldn't let the real Lindsay get lost....
So here I am, typing at 1:30 in the morning, heheh... returning to the real me!
Anyways, for some reason, my bladder is full again, even though I just peed 10 minutes ago!

hahaha

I better get in there and leak it out