fighting a dream
They were my coaches. They loved me. They loved that a very black young man could not be so. What a miracle he was on the field! No one could do the things he could do. They heard he reads...how silly is that. We shall call him Doctor noname. Yes!!! That's just perfect! Because everyone knows you can't get a doctorate in Football. They were my coaches. They truly loved me. They loved me with all that they had. I was their son, their little black son. A son who showed them more respect than their own flesh. "Thas a good boy!" After so many years...I can't believe that I would expect to be received any differently. "He's telling us he's gonna be a REAL doctor. Come on boy! You can't get a doctorate in sports!" They were just dream images. Harmless shadows devoid of life...trivial extensions of myself...I alone was responsible for their form.
whispered, as if it is shameful to discuss such things,:
"Do blacks have it worse in Europe?"
...hhhmmm, there hasn't been anything like a civil rights movement in Europe, so the things that are taboo to say about race here are not there. But remember the civil rights movement was needed here because of the legality of raping and murdering blacks right here, just 30-some years ago. "Yeah, that's what I was saying. It is worse here." ...we also have to remember that while there are 3 blacks in Berlin (no doubt all of them from a "former" colony), there are thousands in Alabama. "Yeah, so it's worse there." ...I'm saying that location doesn't much matter. If there are enough blacks to notice or ignore it's bad. Who's to say that it's worse to have a thousand of your kin folk under the the spray of a fire-hose or to have only two members of your kin to turn to in a constant crisis?
silence...they are thinking...can dream images think? or do I do all the thinking for them?
there is no need to whisper this, it can be said with pride, pride roused by a need to defend oneself from guilt, from responsibility, from empathy, and from compassion:
"But some of them are buttons. Some bring it on themselves. You can't tell me that [George Silver] isn't a button. That guy causes a lot of trouble for himself."
(it's been there the whole time, from the moment a proud booming voice answered a frightened whispered question...but I only now notice it...I only now realize the dangerous speed of my heart and breath. Hold it together. Knowledge shared with anger is the easiest knowledge to ignore.) ...Sure. Absolutely. (Face is fixed, blase, as if nothing controversial has been said) Of course there are those who will push buttons, but you must realize that blacks push buttons when they love, when they hold "too many" jobs, when "too many" of them are in schools and colleges, whenever they respect themselves. Remember that they "were" killed for which sidewalk they walked on, the eyes they looked in, and the arms they loved in. Sure. They will push buttons with EVERYTHING THEY DO! Double-bind situations define oppression. Women of every race can tell you about that. The thing about buttons though that is important, is the fact that white men don't get to be them. It is impossible to define white men as buttons. To be a button is to upset the order that they create, benefit from, and maintain. To say that they illicit punishment for a behavior is to go against the very reality that they have set up. For how could they ever deserve negative treatment when the world is their's? We have to forget about the blacks and women who become buttons when they inhale and exhale and really question the fact that white men are never buttons...
(they have stopped listening when it became too much for them. They did not hear much...they couldn't hear much. All people can only hear, truly hear, what they are READY to hear. What was said needed to be said...needed to be said for me...BUT the heart continues on at a speed that is much too dangerous. It increases too rapidly and the lungs as well, having preparing themselves for shouts that did not come...I cannot stay here or else it will kill me...my body will kill itself...I CANNOT SCREAM IN A DREAM!)
I AWAKE!
(You're still angry?!??!? Do you remember??!?!?! Can you still see what...do you still hear the voices?!?!? I remember it all...I don't want to go back to that dream. Why would such a battle be fought in my mind? Will this heart ever slow down?)
whispered, as if it is shameful to discuss such things,:
"Do blacks have it worse in Europe?"
...hhhmmm, there hasn't been anything like a civil rights movement in Europe, so the things that are taboo to say about race here are not there. But remember the civil rights movement was needed here because of the legality of raping and murdering blacks right here, just 30-some years ago. "Yeah, that's what I was saying. It is worse here." ...we also have to remember that while there are 3 blacks in Berlin (no doubt all of them from a "former" colony), there are thousands in Alabama. "Yeah, so it's worse there." ...I'm saying that location doesn't much matter. If there are enough blacks to notice or ignore it's bad. Who's to say that it's worse to have a thousand of your kin folk under the the spray of a fire-hose or to have only two members of your kin to turn to in a constant crisis?
silence...they are thinking...can dream images think? or do I do all the thinking for them?
there is no need to whisper this, it can be said with pride, pride roused by a need to defend oneself from guilt, from responsibility, from empathy, and from compassion:
"But some of them are buttons. Some bring it on themselves. You can't tell me that [George Silver] isn't a button. That guy causes a lot of trouble for himself."
(it's been there the whole time, from the moment a proud booming voice answered a frightened whispered question...but I only now notice it...I only now realize the dangerous speed of my heart and breath. Hold it together. Knowledge shared with anger is the easiest knowledge to ignore.) ...Sure. Absolutely. (Face is fixed, blase, as if nothing controversial has been said) Of course there are those who will push buttons, but you must realize that blacks push buttons when they love, when they hold "too many" jobs, when "too many" of them are in schools and colleges, whenever they respect themselves. Remember that they "were" killed for which sidewalk they walked on, the eyes they looked in, and the arms they loved in. Sure. They will push buttons with EVERYTHING THEY DO! Double-bind situations define oppression. Women of every race can tell you about that. The thing about buttons though that is important, is the fact that white men don't get to be them. It is impossible to define white men as buttons. To be a button is to upset the order that they create, benefit from, and maintain. To say that they illicit punishment for a behavior is to go against the very reality that they have set up. For how could they ever deserve negative treatment when the world is their's? We have to forget about the blacks and women who become buttons when they inhale and exhale and really question the fact that white men are never buttons...
(they have stopped listening when it became too much for them. They did not hear much...they couldn't hear much. All people can only hear, truly hear, what they are READY to hear. What was said needed to be said...needed to be said for me...BUT the heart continues on at a speed that is much too dangerous. It increases too rapidly and the lungs as well, having preparing themselves for shouts that did not come...I cannot stay here or else it will kill me...my body will kill itself...I CANNOT SCREAM IN A DREAM!)
I AWAKE!
(You're still angry?!??!? Do you remember??!?!?! Can you still see what...do you still hear the voices?!?!? I remember it all...I don't want to go back to that dream. Why would such a battle be fought in my mind? Will this heart ever slow down?)