All in all, I found it intelligent, well-thought-out, and memorable. Only a few minor, mostly grammatical, comments:
1st stanza: Line 1--second "you" should be all lowercase Line 5--comma after "how" Line 8--comma after "think"
2nd stanza: Line 1--hyphenate "two-faced" Line 5--"soldier"
3rd stanza: Add punctuation (commas, quote marks) "You're," not "your"
4th stanza: 4th line--what about "where you fall"? It would be a bit more powerful, IMHO 5th line--"than," not "then"
5th stanza: 1st line--what about "upon you"? If it's "upon us," it will affect us all, and probably negatively. See what I mean? 4th line--"'Cause," with an apostrophe before the word. Otherwise, it's "cause," as in "cause and effect." It's still slang with the apostrophe, but acceptable slang.
6th stanza: I love it up until the last line. Something about it throws me.
Again, this is all opinion. For the most part, I loved this piece, and you've said a lot of things sociologically and politically that I wish I could say as well myself.
Glad my critique didn't leave you with painful internal burning! :)
I really did enjoy the poem and hope you'll write more. Since you're musically minded, have you thought of putting the words to music? Could be interesting; maybe there's a bit of the songwriter in you.
The poem looks fantastic, by the way. Sorry if I nit-picked, but I'm an English major and I can't help it. :)
nope my insiodes are still pink and unscathed by extreme heat. I'll try to write more but I usually only write when the mood strucks or an idea is overwhelming in my brain. I've posted someother in the Journal you may have seen them or maybe you didn't I don't know. Skits have always been more my thing as I'm sure you picked up on I have thought about putting it to music but not knowing how to read or write it (I'm learning as we speak) would be difficult. and I don't mind the nit-picking I'm not a person who is deeply connected to his work I appreciate a good honest critisism and don't take it personally
I've seen the skits, and I think maybe critiqued one for you. I haven't noticed poems, but I don't always get a chance to read my friends list before it's seven pages long!
Since you appreciate the criticism, care to return the favor? I have grammar skills, you have supreme music tastes. Can you recommend a few bands/artists (anywhere from five on up) for me to check out? Regardless of time period or whatever...I just want to be a little more familiar with the history of music and what's around.
hmmm bands you should check out that you probably haven;t heard alright here's a few (if you've ehard of any of these let me know and I'll replace them.) my top ten obscure bands(with a few songs that you should check out ) (in no order) 1. T. Rex(bang a gong, ballrooms of mars) 2. sonics (boss hoss, dirty robber)3. mountain goats (no children, dance music) 4. richard Hell and the voidoids (blank Generation, down at the rock and roll club) 5. Televison (marquee moon, see no evil) 6. New York Dolls (Jet Boy, puss in boots) 7. MC5 (Starship, Kick out the Jams) 8. Traveling Wilburys (handle with care, devil's been dealing) 9. Atomic Rooster (headline news, metal) 10. ]Pre-Nevermind] Nirvana (Aero Zepplin, about a girl)
Actually, you did really well! I've never heard of any of that, with the exception of Nirvana. (And I've never heard "Aero Zeppelin," but I'm familiar with "About a Girl.") Thanks!
alright Genres alot of these people are sorta genre defying/defining so what I say might be diffrent then what you see them as if you hear them. alright 1.T. rex- early progressive/synth light 2.sonics- garage 3.mountain goats- progressive folk 4.Richard Hell and the voidoids- Pre punk 5.televison-no frills psychedelic 6. New York Dolls- pre punk glam 7.MC5- punkish metal 8.Lets just leave it at this (Members George Harrison, Tom Petty, Bob Dylan, Roy Orbison, and Jeff Lyne (if you don't know who at l;east 3 of these people are you nothing of music in the later 20th century)) 9. atomic rooster- early progressive/ late psychedelic 10. Nirvana (you know who they were so just buy incesticide)
Reading this, I'm realizing for the first time (like a kick in the metaphorical teeth) how smart you really are, and how musically literate. My respect for you just quadrupled at least...and it was pretty high in the first place. I bow to you...you are the Music Guru.
you've known me for how long and you've seen me play how many games of 6 degrees of the yardbirds and you just realized how good I am suddenly I'm offended like whoa
1st stanza:
Line 1--second "you" should be all lowercase
Line 5--comma after "how"
Line 8--comma after "think"
2nd stanza:
Line 1--hyphenate "two-faced"
Line 5--"soldier"
3rd stanza:
Add punctuation (commas, quote marks)
"You're," not "your"
4th stanza:
4th line--what about "where you fall"? It would be a bit more powerful, IMHO
5th line--"than," not "then"
5th stanza:
1st line--what about "upon you"? If it's "upon us," it will affect us all, and probably negatively. See what I mean?
4th line--"'Cause," with an apostrophe before the word. Otherwise, it's "cause," as in "cause and effect." It's still slang with the apostrophe, but acceptable slang.
6th stanza:
I love it up until the last line. Something about it throws me.
Again, this is all opinion. For the most part, I loved this piece, and you've said a lot of things sociologically and politically that I wish I could say as well myself.
Peace.
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I really did enjoy the poem and hope you'll write more. Since you're musically minded, have you thought of putting the words to music? Could be interesting; maybe there's a bit of the songwriter in you.
The poem looks fantastic, by the way. Sorry if I nit-picked, but I'm an English major and I can't help it. :)
Peace.
Reply
Reply
Since you appreciate the criticism, care to return the favor? I have grammar skills, you have supreme music tastes. Can you recommend a few bands/artists (anywhere from five on up) for me to check out? Regardless of time period or whatever...I just want to be a little more familiar with the history of music and what's around.
If not, that's cool, too. Just curious.
Peace.
Reply
10. ]Pre-Nevermind] Nirvana (Aero Zepplin, about a girl)
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PS--What genre is this stuff?!
Peace.
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Peace.
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