It is late
so I turn to my journal for relief and hope in jotting down some thoughts my eyes will weaken and sleep will soon follow. I wanted off 3rd shift and I got my wish however my body still has not gotten completely used to the idea of sleeping at night. I'm sure Megan would say I might be a vampire and to Megan I might say you are probably right and better than anything ever written in those shitty Twilight books. I bet I would even give Radu a run for his money as I still say Stefan is a weakling Chris. Vampires, Castlevania, Castles, good and evil, light and night, and the like. I flock to these things and the ideas behind them. I'm sure its all a manifestation of the struggle always waging inside of me. What is good and what is right? The same dream that haunts my thoughts. One standing to the east and the other to the west. The east bathed in the dawn. The west waning with the sun. Apart of the same spectrum just on opposite ends.
The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. - Ephesians 6:10-20
This passage gives me comfort. It is the realization that God fights with you in whatever you struggle with. With him at your side victory and rest are assured. I've known these things. I've been to battle and I've rested in the shade. While my personal demons are waning and I am feeling more and more confident in myself and what I believe, I realize that soon I need to tackle the other things I've been neglecting. My weight mostly. Emily says to run at full speed toward my dreams. To run I have to remember how to walk first. When it comes to the physical things I need to do I just quit. I give up. I always have. I gave up on basketball. I gave up on baseball. I gave up on sports. Sure I replaced them with acting and singing and a variety of activities that afforded me a lot of neat experiences and made a lot of good friends throughout the years. I know I would have enjoyed sports more if I just took a little time to lose some weight and practice them a little more. I certainly was not the worst player to ever set foot on a court or a field, but I feel like I only ever hinted at what I was truly capable of. I feel that way going through life. The talent is there. The effort is not. I'm well aware of this fact. My basketball coach once told me not to cheat the man in the mirror. I need the man in the mirror to want his money back. Quarters right Chris. Quarters can turn into millions of debt if you are not careful. I've seen my friends go on to great things and I'm proud of them. Now I want to do what is necessary to achieve my own dreams and make my own future. I won't accept another half baked heart break failure. My triumphs are more like second place finishes lately. I still remember one basketball practice in 8th grade where I just refused to quit. I was tired and I hurt and I really just wanted to fall down and drink a Gatorade, but I worked and the the more tired I got the harder I worked. The more abuse I took, the more abuse I wanted. It was the only time I really ever felt like that. I'll call it the warriors spirit. I want that fire back in my heart. I want that fighting spirit back I used to always have.
“Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing.” - Unknown
The Armor of God
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints. - Ephesians 6:10-20
This passage gives me comfort. It is the realization that God fights with you in whatever you struggle with. With him at your side victory and rest are assured. I've known these things. I've been to battle and I've rested in the shade. While my personal demons are waning and I am feeling more and more confident in myself and what I believe, I realize that soon I need to tackle the other things I've been neglecting. My weight mostly. Emily says to run at full speed toward my dreams. To run I have to remember how to walk first. When it comes to the physical things I need to do I just quit. I give up. I always have. I gave up on basketball. I gave up on baseball. I gave up on sports. Sure I replaced them with acting and singing and a variety of activities that afforded me a lot of neat experiences and made a lot of good friends throughout the years. I know I would have enjoyed sports more if I just took a little time to lose some weight and practice them a little more. I certainly was not the worst player to ever set foot on a court or a field, but I feel like I only ever hinted at what I was truly capable of. I feel that way going through life. The talent is there. The effort is not. I'm well aware of this fact. My basketball coach once told me not to cheat the man in the mirror. I need the man in the mirror to want his money back. Quarters right Chris. Quarters can turn into millions of debt if you are not careful. I've seen my friends go on to great things and I'm proud of them. Now I want to do what is necessary to achieve my own dreams and make my own future. I won't accept another half baked heart break failure. My triumphs are more like second place finishes lately. I still remember one basketball practice in 8th grade where I just refused to quit. I was tired and I hurt and I really just wanted to fall down and drink a Gatorade, but I worked and the the more tired I got the harder I worked. The more abuse I took, the more abuse I wanted. It was the only time I really ever felt like that. I'll call it the warriors spirit. I want that fire back in my heart. I want that fighting spirit back I used to always have.
“Many of us spend half our time wishing for things we could have if we didn't spend half our time wishing.” - Unknown