cry for help on deaf ears
I hate when things just stop making sense. You know what I mean, when it feels like life is falling into place and now I have no clue what the heck I am doing.
One minuet I get it, I have a plan, yet no matter what I try it never carries threw. And I have all this bad stuff bottled up and I cannot seem to find the right type of bottle opener.
And the sad thing is I don't know who to turn to for help. No one seems to get it, and I am having issues trusting people to even understand what it is that is going on. I feel like for once I am completely alone in my experiences and I don't like it.
I also have a feeling that a lot of issues I am having are steamed from me not telling my mother how I really feel. I am not sure that I can either. I want to yell and tell her that yes, I do feel like you fucked me from the start. I had no chance at being "normal" and doing the right things. Yes I fell my terrible issue with addiction is her fault. My lack in trust I feel is her fault for never, ever sticking to what she says. And I never feel like I am good enough, why else would she tell me I was a mistake if she didn't want me. I ruined her life, and I guess she got me back. All this time telling me that I am fat or that I need to "fix" this and that. Why can't you ever just tell me that I am perfect?
And now, no matter who tells me, that "you are so pretty" only lasts about 5 seconds before I am freaking out that they are lying to make me feel better. I just don't know how to feel good about myself. and it makes me feel bad about myself. which makes me want to do bad things to myself. And maybe I am doing them for the attention, but when it only lasts 5 seconds you like to hear it a lot.
And look, still no solution. What good is know what my issue is if I cannot solve it.
I cannot yell at my mother. I have been beaten into knowing that she is my mother and I should always respect her for that. But still, what am I supposed to do? what will make me feel better?
and my dad is useless. When I try and explain he just looks at me like I am crazy. when I try and ask for help he has nothing to offer. and that scares me. if he can't help me, if I can't help me then who can?
I am always the one to figure all this out and now I am clueless. Please help me.
One minuet I get it, I have a plan, yet no matter what I try it never carries threw. And I have all this bad stuff bottled up and I cannot seem to find the right type of bottle opener.
And the sad thing is I don't know who to turn to for help. No one seems to get it, and I am having issues trusting people to even understand what it is that is going on. I feel like for once I am completely alone in my experiences and I don't like it.
I also have a feeling that a lot of issues I am having are steamed from me not telling my mother how I really feel. I am not sure that I can either. I want to yell and tell her that yes, I do feel like you fucked me from the start. I had no chance at being "normal" and doing the right things. Yes I fell my terrible issue with addiction is her fault. My lack in trust I feel is her fault for never, ever sticking to what she says. And I never feel like I am good enough, why else would she tell me I was a mistake if she didn't want me. I ruined her life, and I guess she got me back. All this time telling me that I am fat or that I need to "fix" this and that. Why can't you ever just tell me that I am perfect?
And now, no matter who tells me, that "you are so pretty" only lasts about 5 seconds before I am freaking out that they are lying to make me feel better. I just don't know how to feel good about myself. and it makes me feel bad about myself. which makes me want to do bad things to myself. And maybe I am doing them for the attention, but when it only lasts 5 seconds you like to hear it a lot.
And look, still no solution. What good is know what my issue is if I cannot solve it.
I cannot yell at my mother. I have been beaten into knowing that she is my mother and I should always respect her for that. But still, what am I supposed to do? what will make me feel better?
and my dad is useless. When I try and explain he just looks at me like I am crazy. when I try and ask for help he has nothing to offer. and that scares me. if he can't help me, if I can't help me then who can?
I am always the one to figure all this out and now I am clueless. Please help me.