(no subject)
i have seriously fucked up my life. i am so extremely depressed, and i have been since about may. im doing this as the unedited version because i dont feel like sugar coating it. i feel like shit. i repeat, i feel like shit. this is in no way an opt for attention, i just need to get all this out. i kind of hope no one reads this because it'd be embarassing. cody was the biggest mistake of my entire life. for one reason, and one reason which shall be left unidentified for those reading who don't know it already. i have never felt this terrible. it all started with the death of my great-grandma in late may. who i was painstakingly close to. i was at her house everyday, driving her around, doing everything with her. then came the death of my great-grandpa july 12th. i didnt realize how much i cared for him until he left. i know that they're together now and they are so much happier, but i miss them soooo immensely and i need them here! i cant handle things right now, and missing them doesn't help at all. things were getting a little better, and i met cody and whatever. then it all fell apart, bitterly and to my dismay. that sent me straight down the shitter. i have never felt more used and abused and worthless in my entire life. i cant really talk to anyone about all of it because no one really cares. sure people will listen but no one really gives a shit because everyones so fucking wrapped up in themselves.
i have always tried to be there for my friends. a ton of people come to me to talk about all the shit happening to them, and the crappy stuff in their life and i always try to relate to it and see how they're doing regularly, and i always give them advice on it. but thats it, thats all my friends do. is come to me for advice. and i can never ask them for advice because if i do they just start talking about themselves and im seriously having a fuckin mental breakdown here and nobody even cares because they're all to busy with their own "terrible lives". yes i realize your mommy and daddy got in a fight last night and now you're scared but you know what, ive never seen my mommy & daddy together when they didnt hate eachother. my mommy and daddy dont live with eachother my daddy picked a bitch for a stepmom and instead im blessed to deal with her regularly. my mom & dad have been divorced since i was 6 months old and you know what, it SUCKS. i have never been together with my entire family. we dont go out to dinner together, we dont even have birthday parties together. my daddy abused me when i was little, well you know what you do? you get the FUCK OVER IT! but now im realizing that no matter how hard life gets, n o b o d y gives a shit. nobody, except God. and even if He does care, how do you know? i love Him with all my heart, but this feeling of utter worthlessness isn't going away, and how can I make it stop? I can't, its all up to Him, and im getting impatient.
it just makes me so mad that i use alot of my time to talk people through their problems, but when i come to someone about mine, all i get is an "idk, pray about it" well what the fuck do you think my first option was?; DUH IM PRAYING ABOUT IT, YOU DUMBSHIT! but i need to know what else i should do! damnit! i mean seriously, obviously thats what i do everytime im in a dilemma, but im coming to you because i would like a reality check. what should i do? please, give me some advice, im puttig you in my confidence, im trusting you, good Lord help me! but nobody can. nobody cares because nobody understand or cares enough to try to.
thats all i can muster up, so, the end.
i have always tried to be there for my friends. a ton of people come to me to talk about all the shit happening to them, and the crappy stuff in their life and i always try to relate to it and see how they're doing regularly, and i always give them advice on it. but thats it, thats all my friends do. is come to me for advice. and i can never ask them for advice because if i do they just start talking about themselves and im seriously having a fuckin mental breakdown here and nobody even cares because they're all to busy with their own "terrible lives". yes i realize your mommy and daddy got in a fight last night and now you're scared but you know what, ive never seen my mommy & daddy together when they didnt hate eachother. my mommy and daddy dont live with eachother my daddy picked a bitch for a stepmom and instead im blessed to deal with her regularly. my mom & dad have been divorced since i was 6 months old and you know what, it SUCKS. i have never been together with my entire family. we dont go out to dinner together, we dont even have birthday parties together. my daddy abused me when i was little, well you know what you do? you get the FUCK OVER IT! but now im realizing that no matter how hard life gets, n o b o d y gives a shit. nobody, except God. and even if He does care, how do you know? i love Him with all my heart, but this feeling of utter worthlessness isn't going away, and how can I make it stop? I can't, its all up to Him, and im getting impatient.
it just makes me so mad that i use alot of my time to talk people through their problems, but when i come to someone about mine, all i get is an "idk, pray about it" well what the fuck do you think my first option was?; DUH IM PRAYING ABOUT IT, YOU DUMBSHIT! but i need to know what else i should do! damnit! i mean seriously, obviously thats what i do everytime im in a dilemma, but im coming to you because i would like a reality check. what should i do? please, give me some advice, im puttig you in my confidence, im trusting you, good Lord help me! but nobody can. nobody cares because nobody understand or cares enough to try to.
thats all i can muster up, so, the end.