(no subject)
So... time for another update, whether I need it or not. I said I would update once a week at least. I think it's about right... maybe a little late but who's counting. Since no one reads this but Jaice I guess no one is really sitting on the edge of their seats waiting with bated breath to read my next entry. Unlike some people I know I do not have a mass cult following of groupies. That's okay. My life really isn't all that interesting anyway.
This weekend Jaice, Ashley and I installed carpet in the living room. Kind of an adventure. I was trying to have fun and make the best of it but some people were just angry that we were doing it and I kinda just felt badly all day. Oh well,life goes on. The carpet looks nice and today we got the couch and tables and stuff and we actually have a real, bonified living room. It's kinda nice. As a matter of fact Jaice and I are cuddled up on the couch together right now and it just feels very homey. I can't wait for the boys to come home so we can snuggle up and read some books or play a game in here. They will be excited to have someplace to be other than their room or the kitchen.
So... the kids are well. They are actually beginning to LISTEN on occassion, too... I know... can you believe it? Not all the time or even consistantly, but it's happening, so I will call this an improvement and leaveit at that. Salem had his first T-ball game last night. The kids are all do funny... running the wrong way, chasing the ball instead of running to their respective bases... you know... 4 year old stuff. Salem did really well though and he had a blast. Gabe has a chorus concert Thursday... all the good stuff that reminds me why I had kids in the first place. Gabe looks so happy when he is singing with his group and he is always so proud of himself. I am glad he has taken an interest in something other than a video game.
Although I love to go to their T-ball games and chorus concerts, parents night and all the other things thay make be a parent great, I hate going to these things as well. It just reminds me of how much so many people think I suck. I have friends... which are few and far between these days, and I have Jaice. Don't get me wrong... having jaice is definately worth any relationships that have or will suffer because of this choice... I can't please everyine, right? And at the end of the day I am really the only one that has to live with myself and my decisions... so I might as well make the ones that make ME happy... right? So I choose to be with Jaice. Screw the poeple that hate it because I am happy. Anyway, back to the topic. I hate going to these functiond because again, it reminds me how much people just don't like me. For example: Last night at Salem's game there were a ton of people there for him. Leigh, Eric, My ex-mother in law, her sister and her husband... my mom and her girlfriend. The works. SO Jaice and I sat on a bench by the field to watch. Terry stood behind the fence. Leigh showed up (btw I knew her first and we were friends fir years before I ever even had kids) and stood with Tery. Didn't even acknowledge me. This is nothing new. We used to hang out all the time but ever since I left Eric I suck and he id the father of the year. I don't understand it. Everyone is so snowed. Anyway, my mother and Marion showed up and went and stood with them. Didn't even come to hang out with me. So anyway... I feel a little left out. It doesn't even end there but I just have no way to articulate how I feel. It is one thing for Jaice's family to hate me... they hate everyone eventually and I guess I would feel left our if they didn't somehow find something wrong with me (which I will get back to) but my OWN family? What is that? Someone I have been friends with all of my adult life and half of my childhood? Whatever. Okay...so there is one example.
Back to Jaice's family. As far as Nancy is concerned I may as well die. She hates my fucking guts... always has. Whatever. She really has no bearing on my life or happiness, but still, she hates me and is quite verbal about it. I went into her house to help Jaice carry something out and she lodt her mind. She hates me so much she wont even come into the store I work at even though she is getting screwed up the ass at her cell phone company. Whatever. But she talks trash about me and one can only take so much. I am sorry, but it bothers me. She is fine with me as long as she can use me for something, like saving her stranded ass when she has a flat tire and Jaice goes to rescue her with MY car, but God forbid she spend 30 cents a minute talking to her kid on the phone because it may benefit me in some way. Fuck. It upset Jaice that I didn't want to ride out to her house and wait in the car for him to come out. Sorry... I feel like I am being punished for something (like it is a "punishment" to not be allowed in her house...huh). I don't know, it just is not what I want to do... wait outside so Nancy can feel like she is making me suffer her wrath. Whatever.
Next on the list is Holly. I don't care if Holly likes me either because truth be known I think she is a selfish, self-centered, nosey, stuck-up, self-rightous bitch, but she doesn't need to talk trash about me all the time to Jaice and point out what a terrible person I am.
In summary of all that babble... I am having a hard time labeling my feelings right now... but outside my four little happy walls I am having trouble being happy. I just feel so unliked. It is rough to feel like someone is talking about you or doing things quietly behind your back (like Mikey and Nancy's little thing) so they think you don't know they are still benefitting from something you established even though you aren't even considered worth the oxygen you breathe. It sucks to know that someone hates your guts purely because they have no control or say in something you have done. It sucks even more to know that just because you ended a relationship with a lazy, dirty, abusive man your friends and family think you are a dirty whore who doesn't deserve your friendship anymore. That is all for now I guess... I could go on for hours. I still don't feel any better. The only thing that I have to make me feel any better about any of that is that Jaice is here to hold at night when I sleep or hug me when I am sad and to cuddle with on the couch like right now. If all I ever have in my life was that and my kids I would be happy. I just wish that people would stifle their idiotic mouths if they don't like me. I wish they could look in the mirror and maybe have something list all their flaws out for them to see staring back at them. I wish they could all see that they kind of all suckin their own ways too...
This weekend Jaice, Ashley and I installed carpet in the living room. Kind of an adventure. I was trying to have fun and make the best of it but some people were just angry that we were doing it and I kinda just felt badly all day. Oh well,life goes on. The carpet looks nice and today we got the couch and tables and stuff and we actually have a real, bonified living room. It's kinda nice. As a matter of fact Jaice and I are cuddled up on the couch together right now and it just feels very homey. I can't wait for the boys to come home so we can snuggle up and read some books or play a game in here. They will be excited to have someplace to be other than their room or the kitchen.
So... the kids are well. They are actually beginning to LISTEN on occassion, too... I know... can you believe it? Not all the time or even consistantly, but it's happening, so I will call this an improvement and leaveit at that. Salem had his first T-ball game last night. The kids are all do funny... running the wrong way, chasing the ball instead of running to their respective bases... you know... 4 year old stuff. Salem did really well though and he had a blast. Gabe has a chorus concert Thursday... all the good stuff that reminds me why I had kids in the first place. Gabe looks so happy when he is singing with his group and he is always so proud of himself. I am glad he has taken an interest in something other than a video game.
Although I love to go to their T-ball games and chorus concerts, parents night and all the other things thay make be a parent great, I hate going to these things as well. It just reminds me of how much so many people think I suck. I have friends... which are few and far between these days, and I have Jaice. Don't get me wrong... having jaice is definately worth any relationships that have or will suffer because of this choice... I can't please everyine, right? And at the end of the day I am really the only one that has to live with myself and my decisions... so I might as well make the ones that make ME happy... right? So I choose to be with Jaice. Screw the poeple that hate it because I am happy. Anyway, back to the topic. I hate going to these functiond because again, it reminds me how much people just don't like me. For example: Last night at Salem's game there were a ton of people there for him. Leigh, Eric, My ex-mother in law, her sister and her husband... my mom and her girlfriend. The works. SO Jaice and I sat on a bench by the field to watch. Terry stood behind the fence. Leigh showed up (btw I knew her first and we were friends fir years before I ever even had kids) and stood with Tery. Didn't even acknowledge me. This is nothing new. We used to hang out all the time but ever since I left Eric I suck and he id the father of the year. I don't understand it. Everyone is so snowed. Anyway, my mother and Marion showed up and went and stood with them. Didn't even come to hang out with me. So anyway... I feel a little left out. It doesn't even end there but I just have no way to articulate how I feel. It is one thing for Jaice's family to hate me... they hate everyone eventually and I guess I would feel left our if they didn't somehow find something wrong with me (which I will get back to) but my OWN family? What is that? Someone I have been friends with all of my adult life and half of my childhood? Whatever. Okay...so there is one example.
Back to Jaice's family. As far as Nancy is concerned I may as well die. She hates my fucking guts... always has. Whatever. She really has no bearing on my life or happiness, but still, she hates me and is quite verbal about it. I went into her house to help Jaice carry something out and she lodt her mind. She hates me so much she wont even come into the store I work at even though she is getting screwed up the ass at her cell phone company. Whatever. But she talks trash about me and one can only take so much. I am sorry, but it bothers me. She is fine with me as long as she can use me for something, like saving her stranded ass when she has a flat tire and Jaice goes to rescue her with MY car, but God forbid she spend 30 cents a minute talking to her kid on the phone because it may benefit me in some way. Fuck. It upset Jaice that I didn't want to ride out to her house and wait in the car for him to come out. Sorry... I feel like I am being punished for something (like it is a "punishment" to not be allowed in her house...huh). I don't know, it just is not what I want to do... wait outside so Nancy can feel like she is making me suffer her wrath. Whatever.
Next on the list is Holly. I don't care if Holly likes me either because truth be known I think she is a selfish, self-centered, nosey, stuck-up, self-rightous bitch, but she doesn't need to talk trash about me all the time to Jaice and point out what a terrible person I am.
In summary of all that babble... I am having a hard time labeling my feelings right now... but outside my four little happy walls I am having trouble being happy. I just feel so unliked. It is rough to feel like someone is talking about you or doing things quietly behind your back (like Mikey and Nancy's little thing) so they think you don't know they are still benefitting from something you established even though you aren't even considered worth the oxygen you breathe. It sucks to know that someone hates your guts purely because they have no control or say in something you have done. It sucks even more to know that just because you ended a relationship with a lazy, dirty, abusive man your friends and family think you are a dirty whore who doesn't deserve your friendship anymore. That is all for now I guess... I could go on for hours. I still don't feel any better. The only thing that I have to make me feel any better about any of that is that Jaice is here to hold at night when I sleep or hug me when I am sad and to cuddle with on the couch like right now. If all I ever have in my life was that and my kids I would be happy. I just wish that people would stifle their idiotic mouths if they don't like me. I wish they could look in the mirror and maybe have something list all their flaws out for them to see staring back at them. I wish they could all see that they kind of all suckin their own ways too...