Been a while
Well.. it has been forever since I updated this thing because I just have no idea how to organize all these thoughts going through my head. I have so much to deal with right now. I am at war with myself all day every day and I just wish I could not be for five damn minutes.
Eric is fighting me for the kids. This is a huge issue for me. I think about this constantly. Eric loves them, and I love them, too. What do I think about when I ponder this situation? What if he gets custody of them? What am I going to do? Will they think I don't love them, will they think I don't want them and that I have abandoned them? What kind of shit will Eric fill their heads with? What am I going to do without them? Then, as terrible as this is I wonder if they would be better with him... I start thinking about all the things I could do if it was just me. This I believe is some sort of defense mechanism, because when I really think about losing them I cannot breathe... my children are my life... as naughty and disrespectful as they can be, they are MY naughty and disrespectful kids... they are good kids... they just need to have boundaries everywhere they are, not just my house. Eric has a shark for a lawyer, and I cannot afford one. The volunteer lawyer place has not called me back yet. I have a lawyer that has been helping a little from the gay coalition, but I don't know if she is going to be able to actually represent me. I think she feels bad for me, which is not what I want, but if it serves my purpose for the moment I guess it is a means to an end. I have court the 5th of July. It really freaks me out. I feel like a dear in the headlights. I see the car coming, but I am so petrified by what is about to happen, and so stunned by it that as much as I want to do something, I can't seem to. Some mother huh?
I hate my job. Problem is nowhere around here will pay me what they pay. I called out today because my brain couldn't handle it. I am holding it all together pretty well outside, but inside I am losing my shit. I am bored at my job and that allows for too much time to think. I am stuck doing mundane, menial, tedious tasks that just drive me crazy... and when work sucks on top of everything else something has just got to give.
My living situation is very up in the air. I know what I want... I know where I want to be. I know that I do not desire to get my own apartment and take my kids and live alone with them without Jaice. I have written about how I feel about Jaice for like 80% of this journal, I know. But I just cannot walk away. I cannot be the one to make that choice again. When I went to my mother's I was pissed and felt betrayed and misled and hurt. Once I was there I missed Jaice like crazy. We talk about the lease running out and when we are actually going to leave and where we are going to. We were in New Hampshire last week and she asked if I would go there with her. She is moving to her mom's maybe for the summer and there have been references made of my going there as well. Is this because I have no place to go as yet, or because she would have trouble walking away from me, too? I know that I am not easy to live with. I try to not be as bitchy and high maintenance as everyone says I am, but even when I try I guess it is still a bit much. Things have been really good between us lately, and that makes it very easy for me to forget that this relationship probably isn't permanent, as much as I want it to be. I wish that I had the words to explain how badly I want for us to be together. How much I love her, how important she is to me, how happy I am with her. I just have to hope that she knows.
So...what else is there to say? My kids, my job, my living situation...oooh... my friends!
Erinn had her baby! Bailey Brae. She is absolutely adorable. Wendy had her baby, too... Willow Constance. She is cute, too. Speaking of babies...
I had a dream last night that actually woke me up and freaked me out a bit. Since, well, Salem was born I had decided I was done... no more babies. Periodically I would see one or a friend would have one, and then I would want one for a minute and then it would go away. Lately I have kind have been wanting one again. Being a lesbian makes that a little more of a challenge... but whatever. Anyway, I had a dream last night about that...and I don't know why but it upset me a little bit. Maybe because I know it was just a dream and it probably isn't going to happen. Christ, I am essentially 27 years old...ouch. I am almost too old to think about having more kids...hadn't thought about that until just now.
So, I am thinking about selling my wedding rings, I could use the cash for stuff, but I was also thinking about taking a little bit of that money inparticular and getting another tattoo... one that really means something specific to my situation... something to celebrate this chapter of my life. I don't know, just a thought.
Well, Jaice just reffered to my entry as a book, so I guess it is long enough and I should think about doing something productive with my day. Peace.
Eric is fighting me for the kids. This is a huge issue for me. I think about this constantly. Eric loves them, and I love them, too. What do I think about when I ponder this situation? What if he gets custody of them? What am I going to do? Will they think I don't love them, will they think I don't want them and that I have abandoned them? What kind of shit will Eric fill their heads with? What am I going to do without them? Then, as terrible as this is I wonder if they would be better with him... I start thinking about all the things I could do if it was just me. This I believe is some sort of defense mechanism, because when I really think about losing them I cannot breathe... my children are my life... as naughty and disrespectful as they can be, they are MY naughty and disrespectful kids... they are good kids... they just need to have boundaries everywhere they are, not just my house. Eric has a shark for a lawyer, and I cannot afford one. The volunteer lawyer place has not called me back yet. I have a lawyer that has been helping a little from the gay coalition, but I don't know if she is going to be able to actually represent me. I think she feels bad for me, which is not what I want, but if it serves my purpose for the moment I guess it is a means to an end. I have court the 5th of July. It really freaks me out. I feel like a dear in the headlights. I see the car coming, but I am so petrified by what is about to happen, and so stunned by it that as much as I want to do something, I can't seem to. Some mother huh?
I hate my job. Problem is nowhere around here will pay me what they pay. I called out today because my brain couldn't handle it. I am holding it all together pretty well outside, but inside I am losing my shit. I am bored at my job and that allows for too much time to think. I am stuck doing mundane, menial, tedious tasks that just drive me crazy... and when work sucks on top of everything else something has just got to give.
My living situation is very up in the air. I know what I want... I know where I want to be. I know that I do not desire to get my own apartment and take my kids and live alone with them without Jaice. I have written about how I feel about Jaice for like 80% of this journal, I know. But I just cannot walk away. I cannot be the one to make that choice again. When I went to my mother's I was pissed and felt betrayed and misled and hurt. Once I was there I missed Jaice like crazy. We talk about the lease running out and when we are actually going to leave and where we are going to. We were in New Hampshire last week and she asked if I would go there with her. She is moving to her mom's maybe for the summer and there have been references made of my going there as well. Is this because I have no place to go as yet, or because she would have trouble walking away from me, too? I know that I am not easy to live with. I try to not be as bitchy and high maintenance as everyone says I am, but even when I try I guess it is still a bit much. Things have been really good between us lately, and that makes it very easy for me to forget that this relationship probably isn't permanent, as much as I want it to be. I wish that I had the words to explain how badly I want for us to be together. How much I love her, how important she is to me, how happy I am with her. I just have to hope that she knows.
So...what else is there to say? My kids, my job, my living situation...oooh... my friends!
Erinn had her baby! Bailey Brae. She is absolutely adorable. Wendy had her baby, too... Willow Constance. She is cute, too. Speaking of babies...
I had a dream last night that actually woke me up and freaked me out a bit. Since, well, Salem was born I had decided I was done... no more babies. Periodically I would see one or a friend would have one, and then I would want one for a minute and then it would go away. Lately I have kind have been wanting one again. Being a lesbian makes that a little more of a challenge... but whatever. Anyway, I had a dream last night about that...and I don't know why but it upset me a little bit. Maybe because I know it was just a dream and it probably isn't going to happen. Christ, I am essentially 27 years old...ouch. I am almost too old to think about having more kids...hadn't thought about that until just now.
So, I am thinking about selling my wedding rings, I could use the cash for stuff, but I was also thinking about taking a little bit of that money inparticular and getting another tattoo... one that really means something specific to my situation... something to celebrate this chapter of my life. I don't know, just a thought.
Well, Jaice just reffered to my entry as a book, so I guess it is long enough and I should think about doing something productive with my day. Peace.