Fic: Attack of the Pink Porny Bubbles
Part 9 of a mini-arc written for mwpp_mischief 's Marauding Mishaps and Happenings fest. Originally posted here.
Title: Attack of the Pink Porny Bubbles
Pairing: None, really. James,Remus,Sirius Gen though there are, as usual, hints towards R/S.
Rating: PG-13, for the swearing. And inappropriate bubble action.
Word Count: 1,406
Prompt: Day 9
Summary: Lily displays pranking genius, James is scarred for life and Sirius' ears will never be the same shape again. Remus decides he needs new friends.
The Second Floor Corridor Incident of 1975 and What Most Certainly Did Not Happen Because of It
“Prongs... erm... is there a specific reason that you’re blue?”
“Mind your own business, Lupin.”
“It became my business when the tentacles got slime on my bed.”
“Fuck you. You’re just jealous cuz you’ve not got tentacles.”
“Sure, that’s why I’m asking why you’re now blue and tentacled.”
“Leave it alone, Lupin, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Alright, fine.”
“Oi! Lads, anyone seen my... Great googly! Prongsy! You’re blue!”
“Piss off, Black! Why will no one piss off and leave me alone?”
“Maybe because you’re blue, pillock.”
“He’s got tentacles, too. They slimed on my pillowcase.”
“You slimed on Moony’s pillowcase and you still have the nerve to tell us to piss off?”
“I hate you all.”
“Prongs, if you tell us who did it we can plot revenge.”
“Moony’s right you know. Right after I finish laughing my arse off. Which I will do, once we’ve gotten to the bottom of this. Hahhaha, bottom. Tentacally bottom.”
“Pads, maybe don’t rub it in too much, he’s obviously embarrassed.”
“I’m not embarrassed I’m just pissed off! Why won’t you leave me the fuck alone?!”
“Because, mate, I know you better than anyone in the world and if you were actually wanting to be left alone you’d not be here, pretending to mope in bed, you’d be down with Pomfrey trying to get the tentacles removed from your arse. By the way, blue’s not a bad look on you, you know, you might consider keeping it.”
“Black, when I’m well enough to move, I’m going to castrate you.”
“Why can’t you move? Pads, make him move.”
“Argh, no, don’t! Ahhh... hic... See hic what you’ve done?!”
“Moony, is he... burping pink bubbles?”
“Yes... yes I believe he is. Well... that’s... interesting.”
“I hic hate the both of y-hic-ou. You are not m-hic-ates, this is not hic on. Traitors, the lot of you. I’m hic taking Wormhictail and befr-hic-iending the Prewetts. They wouldn’t hic laugh at my misfortu-hic-nes.”
“Well... no, but I have it on good authority that Fabian likes his men to have tentacles.”
“Oh Merlin, hic that’s disgusting, Moony, hic you’ve ruined me for sex for the hic rest of my life.”
“Good thing you’re not getting any then, isn’t it, mate? Prongs, really, let Moony and me take you to the Hospital wing. Any more bubbles and we won’t be able to get out. Are they unpopable too?”
“Looks like it. Unless... hang on... oh no, that’s just made them worse.”
“Are they... is that...”
“Bubble hic porn. Oh gods. HIC Pads! Get me out! HIC. Make it stop!”
“Shut up, shut up you great flobberworm, you’re agitating them!”
“Moony, hic, you cut me to the hic quick, calling me a flobberworm in my hic hour of need.”
“James, if you don’t close your mouth right now I’m going to make Padfoot do it for you and you know you don’t react well to dog slobber.”
“Thought you’d want to close his mouth for him, Moonykins. Harharhar.”
“Remind me to kill you later, Pads, when I’m not being attacked by insane and vicious pink bubbles, yeah?”
“Will do. Agh, fuck, it’s got my ear! Moony!”
“Merlin’s saggy tits, do I have to do everything around here?”
“Moony! Help! It really hurts. Prongs, this is all your fault! My ears will never look the same again!”
“Yeah, because they looked so nice before. Shut up a minute, Pads, you’re making them worse.”
“Bloody... owfuck.”
“Owfuck?”
“Shut up, it hurt. Prongs, who the fuck did this to you?”
“James don’t you dare open your mouth! Christ, Pads, stand still.”
“Remus... Remus the bubbles are doing something... Remus! Look!”
“Since when do you call me Remus? You hate my name. Are they making a face?”
“Don’t hate it, Moony, just think it’s a bit poncy, really. Guess that’s alright though, since... fucking hell, is that...”
“Evans?”
“Prongs, I told you not to open your mouth, oh Merlin...”
“FOR THE LAST TIME, POTTER, NO, I WILL NOT GO TO HOGSMEADE WITH YOU AND NO, I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE YOUR BABIES. LEAVE ME ALONE YOU GREAT SODDING JARVEY OF SLIME.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Wow. Prongs, mate, I knew she hated you but this is a little extreme.”
“Tentacles are shrinking though - no, that does not mean you can talk again. Zip it!”
“Haha, Moony, did you just literally put a zipper on his mouth?”
“Thought it was for the best, you know.”
“Brilliant. Oooh, look, they pop now.”
“I think I’m a little bit in love with Lily, you know. Not like that, James - Merlin, if looks could bloody kill. She is kind of a genius though.”
“Maybe we should see if she wants to join forces. Imagine the mayhem we could cause with Evans on our side. The Slytherins wouldn’t know which way to run.”
“Alright, Prongs, the worst of it’s gone now I think, you can talk.”
“REMUS LUPIN IF YOU EVER GO ANYWHERE NEAR LILY EVANS I WILL NOT ONLY CASTRATE YOU, I WILL FEED YOUR BALLS TO PADFOOT AND MAKE YOU WATCH.”
“Not bloody likely, Prongs. Anyways you’ve not got to worry about Moony, he’s gay as a maypole!”
“Sirius!”
“Oh, fuck, sorry Moony.”
“I really am going to kill you now.”
“Sorry, what? What’s going on? Moony? What? You’re gay?"
"Yes."
"As in bent?"
"Yes."
"As in a poof?"
"Yes."
"As in likes cock?"
"Yes."
"As in sticks it to other blokes?"
"Yes, Merlin, all of the above, Prongs. Get there faster!"
"What?! Why doesn’t anyone ever tell me these things?!”
“... We’re telling you now, you complete and utter nonce. You know, I really think I liked you better blue.”
“Fuck you, Black. Moony! How come you told Padfoot first and not me?! I am wounded!”
“Believe me, I didn’t tell him, he’s just a nosey bugger.”
“Walked in on him and Gideon, didn’t I?”
“...huh. Always thought it was only Fabian that was bent.”
“It was. Isn’t anymore. I hate you both.”
“Oh gods. I think... yup, scarred for life. Great, thanks lads, first the bubbles attack me in delicate places and now you give me horrific mental images. And I was blue. Worst day ever.”
“I am not a horrific mental image! Neither, I’ll have you know, is Gideon. Talented tongue on that one - and you can bounce a sickle off his arse.”
“Oh GODS, Moony!”
“Huh. Moony, I think you killed Prongs.”
“Good.”
“Sngkc.”
“Was that the sound of his brain fizzing?”
“Think that’s the sound I was making for a while, after I walked in...”
“How long till you stopped?”
“Couple hours. Yeah, he might not move for a while. Kitchen raid?”
“Sure. And Padfoot?”
“Yes, Moonykins?”
“If you tell anyone else, I will end you.”
“Alright then.”
Title: Attack of the Pink Porny Bubbles
Pairing: None, really. James,Remus,Sirius Gen though there are, as usual, hints towards R/S.
Rating: PG-13, for the swearing. And inappropriate bubble action.
Word Count: 1,406
Prompt: Day 9
Summary: Lily displays pranking genius, James is scarred for life and Sirius' ears will never be the same shape again. Remus decides he needs new friends.
The Second Floor Corridor Incident of 1975 and What Most Certainly Did Not Happen Because of It
“Prongs... erm... is there a specific reason that you’re blue?”
“Mind your own business, Lupin.”
“It became my business when the tentacles got slime on my bed.”
“Fuck you. You’re just jealous cuz you’ve not got tentacles.”
“Sure, that’s why I’m asking why you’re now blue and tentacled.”
“Leave it alone, Lupin, I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Alright, fine.”
“Oi! Lads, anyone seen my... Great googly! Prongsy! You’re blue!”
“Piss off, Black! Why will no one piss off and leave me alone?”
“Maybe because you’re blue, pillock.”
“He’s got tentacles, too. They slimed on my pillowcase.”
“You slimed on Moony’s pillowcase and you still have the nerve to tell us to piss off?”
“I hate you all.”
“Prongs, if you tell us who did it we can plot revenge.”
“Moony’s right you know. Right after I finish laughing my arse off. Which I will do, once we’ve gotten to the bottom of this. Hahhaha, bottom. Tentacally bottom.”
“Pads, maybe don’t rub it in too much, he’s obviously embarrassed.”
“I’m not embarrassed I’m just pissed off! Why won’t you leave me the fuck alone?!”
“Because, mate, I know you better than anyone in the world and if you were actually wanting to be left alone you’d not be here, pretending to mope in bed, you’d be down with Pomfrey trying to get the tentacles removed from your arse. By the way, blue’s not a bad look on you, you know, you might consider keeping it.”
“Black, when I’m well enough to move, I’m going to castrate you.”
“Why can’t you move? Pads, make him move.”
“Argh, no, don’t! Ahhh... hic... See hic what you’ve done?!”
“Moony, is he... burping pink bubbles?”
“Yes... yes I believe he is. Well... that’s... interesting.”
“I hic hate the both of y-hic-ou. You are not m-hic-ates, this is not hic on. Traitors, the lot of you. I’m hic taking Wormhictail and befr-hic-iending the Prewetts. They wouldn’t hic laugh at my misfortu-hic-nes.”
“Well... no, but I have it on good authority that Fabian likes his men to have tentacles.”
“Oh Merlin, hic that’s disgusting, Moony, hic you’ve ruined me for sex for the hic rest of my life.”
“Good thing you’re not getting any then, isn’t it, mate? Prongs, really, let Moony and me take you to the Hospital wing. Any more bubbles and we won’t be able to get out. Are they unpopable too?”
“Looks like it. Unless... hang on... oh no, that’s just made them worse.”
“Are they... is that...”
“Bubble hic porn. Oh gods. HIC Pads! Get me out! HIC. Make it stop!”
“Shut up, shut up you great flobberworm, you’re agitating them!”
“Moony, hic, you cut me to the hic quick, calling me a flobberworm in my hic hour of need.”
“James, if you don’t close your mouth right now I’m going to make Padfoot do it for you and you know you don’t react well to dog slobber.”
“Thought you’d want to close his mouth for him, Moonykins. Harharhar.”
“Remind me to kill you later, Pads, when I’m not being attacked by insane and vicious pink bubbles, yeah?”
“Will do. Agh, fuck, it’s got my ear! Moony!”
“Merlin’s saggy tits, do I have to do everything around here?”
“Moony! Help! It really hurts. Prongs, this is all your fault! My ears will never look the same again!”
“Yeah, because they looked so nice before. Shut up a minute, Pads, you’re making them worse.”
“Bloody... owfuck.”
“Owfuck?”
“Shut up, it hurt. Prongs, who the fuck did this to you?”
“James don’t you dare open your mouth! Christ, Pads, stand still.”
“Remus... Remus the bubbles are doing something... Remus! Look!”
“Since when do you call me Remus? You hate my name. Are they making a face?”
“Don’t hate it, Moony, just think it’s a bit poncy, really. Guess that’s alright though, since... fucking hell, is that...”
“Evans?”
“Prongs, I told you not to open your mouth, oh Merlin...”
“FOR THE LAST TIME, POTTER, NO, I WILL NOT GO TO HOGSMEADE WITH YOU AND NO, I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE YOUR BABIES. LEAVE ME ALONE YOU GREAT SODDING JARVEY OF SLIME.”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“Wow. Prongs, mate, I knew she hated you but this is a little extreme.”
“Tentacles are shrinking though - no, that does not mean you can talk again. Zip it!”
“Haha, Moony, did you just literally put a zipper on his mouth?”
“Thought it was for the best, you know.”
“Brilliant. Oooh, look, they pop now.”
“I think I’m a little bit in love with Lily, you know. Not like that, James - Merlin, if looks could bloody kill. She is kind of a genius though.”
“Maybe we should see if she wants to join forces. Imagine the mayhem we could cause with Evans on our side. The Slytherins wouldn’t know which way to run.”
“Alright, Prongs, the worst of it’s gone now I think, you can talk.”
“REMUS LUPIN IF YOU EVER GO ANYWHERE NEAR LILY EVANS I WILL NOT ONLY CASTRATE YOU, I WILL FEED YOUR BALLS TO PADFOOT AND MAKE YOU WATCH.”
“Not bloody likely, Prongs. Anyways you’ve not got to worry about Moony, he’s gay as a maypole!”
“Sirius!”
“Oh, fuck, sorry Moony.”
“I really am going to kill you now.”
“Sorry, what? What’s going on? Moony? What? You’re gay?"
"Yes."
"As in bent?"
"Yes."
"As in a poof?"
"Yes."
"As in likes cock?"
"Yes."
"As in sticks it to other blokes?"
"Yes, Merlin, all of the above, Prongs. Get there faster!"
"What?! Why doesn’t anyone ever tell me these things?!”
“... We’re telling you now, you complete and utter nonce. You know, I really think I liked you better blue.”
“Fuck you, Black. Moony! How come you told Padfoot first and not me?! I am wounded!”
“Believe me, I didn’t tell him, he’s just a nosey bugger.”
“Walked in on him and Gideon, didn’t I?”
“...huh. Always thought it was only Fabian that was bent.”
“It was. Isn’t anymore. I hate you both.”
“Oh gods. I think... yup, scarred for life. Great, thanks lads, first the bubbles attack me in delicate places and now you give me horrific mental images. And I was blue. Worst day ever.”
“I am not a horrific mental image! Neither, I’ll have you know, is Gideon. Talented tongue on that one - and you can bounce a sickle off his arse.”
“Oh GODS, Moony!”
“Huh. Moony, I think you killed Prongs.”
“Good.”
“Sngkc.”
“Was that the sound of his brain fizzing?”
“Think that’s the sound I was making for a while, after I walked in...”
“How long till you stopped?”
“Couple hours. Yeah, he might not move for a while. Kitchen raid?”
“Sure. And Padfoot?”
“Yes, Moonykins?”
“If you tell anyone else, I will end you.”
“Alright then.”