Fic: Scapegoat
Part 3 of a mini-arc written for mwpp_mischief 's Marauding Mishaps and Happenings fest. Originally posted here.
Title: Scapegoat
Pairing: Gen (James, Sirius, Remus)
Rating: PG-13 because James has a potty mouth.
Word Count: 936
Prompt: Day 3
Summary: James didn't do it. Sirius didn't do it. Peter definitely didn't do it and the Prewetts are too busy being goody-two-shoes' or getting frisky in the broom closet. Which leaves Remus...
“Sirius FUCKING Black! Are you in here, you arse wipe?!”
“Yes, Jamie-poo?” A mop of black hair poked out from behind the curtains of Sirius’ bead. “Can I help you?”
“I am going to murder you. I am going to tear you limb from limb, then I am going to transfigure each limb into a tiny bunny rabbit and then I am going to feed you to Moony and you will die a horrible dismembered bunny rabbit death full of werewolf slobber and the worst breath in the world.”
“He really does have awful breath, doesn’t he?”
“Well if a certain mangy mutt I know didn’t let him eat skunks for breakfast I’m sure his breath would smell like daisies,” Remus called from his own bed. “Will the two of you keep it down?”
“Sorry Moony,” the two offenders chorused. Remus snorted and rolled his eyes before drawing his curtains and making a show of casting a silencing charm on them. Sirius looked at James quizzically.
“Do you think he’s getting stuffier in his old age?” he asked.
“Gods, no, remember what he was like in first year?”
“Oh Merlin, I forgot, I used to swear he was actually wearing a corset...”
James laughed heartily at the memory - but then stopped abruptly.
“Wait. Black. I’m angry at you.”
“What’ve I done now,” asked Sirius with an air of all-suffering grace.
“What have you done? What have you done?”
“Yes, that is what I said, James...”
“What you’ve done is turned all the Gryffindor girls’ robes invisible. Which, I admit, is a stroke of pure genius, but then you let Lily think it was me, and now she’s on a rampage and McGonagall wants my left nut on a platter! Padfoot! It’s not funny!”
“Oh, I think you’ll find it really, really is,” gasped Sirius between guffaws. “Especially because it wasn’t me. Though, I really wish it was.”
“Of course it was you, you berk, it’s got Sirius Black written all over it! And I mean, literally, they all have Sirius Black written across their midriffs.”
This just set Sirius laughing even harder. James struggled to keep his pout in place.
“Still wasn’t me, mate.”
“You’re a liar.”
“And you’re a massive poofter, but it still wasn’t me.”
“Then who was it?!”
“Prewetts?”
“Nah, Gid is teaching second years potions and I saw Fay disappear into a broom closet with Alton Boyd hours ago.”
“Really? Alton? Didn’t think he’d be Fabian’s type. Doesn’t he usually go for the big, surly ones?”
“Maybe he fancied topping once.”
There was more laughter before James wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and shook his head to clear it.
“Peter, then?”
They considered this possibility for a few seconds before bursting out in fresh laughter.
“You two are heartless bastards,” quipped Remus, sticking his head out from between his curtains again.
“Moony! We thought you weren’t listening!”
“I know.” Remus grinned a wicked grin and stuck his tongue out. “I can’t stand to see the two of you actually using your braincells, so I’ll save you some time before you move on to consider the rest of the student body. It was me.”
Sirius and James looked from Remus to each other and back at Remus and then burst out laughing again. Remus smirked at them, unwavering, until Sirius looked up at him and, catching the gleam in his eye that was remarkably like the cat that caught the mouse, stopped laughing.
“No... really, Moony?”
“Really, Paddy,” Remus replied with a rather large amount of snark.
James whirled on Remus. “Lupin! I don’t believe you!”
“Well, to be fair, I meant for Sirius to get the blame...”
“Remus, you are a genius.”
“Thanks, Padfoot.”
“Why do I always get blamed for things other people do,” moaned James, slumping on the bed. “It’s not fair. I’m a nice guy!”
Sirius and Remus laughed twin disbelieving laughs. “James, you are possibly evil incarnate,” Sirius gasped, looking fondly at his best friend. “And you know you always get blamed for things because they’re usually your fault.”
James grinned and shrugged. “What can I say, natural mischief maker. I think I do it in my sleep.”
“You and me both,” Sirius beamed. “And Remus, too. He’s just sneakier about it.”
“Bloody werewolf,” James cursed with a teasing grin at Remus, who pretended to be highly affronted.
“I knew it was a mistake sitting next to the two of you on the train in First Year.”
“Aw but Moonykins, think about all the soulmate-like camaraderie you would have missed out on!”
“Think of all the pranks you would never have pulled!”
“The detentions never served!”
“The Slytherins never tortured!”
“I think the two of you have something clinically wrong with you.”
“Yes, but you knew that already,” Sirius said, hanging upside down from his bed.
“Guess I did. You know, I think that’s how you were sat when we first met.”
Sirius shrugged awkwardly. “Probably.”
James laughed and shoved him off the bed before turning to Remus. “You owe me at least four bars of chocolate for the detentions I have to do, Moony.”
“That’s probably fair.”
“Ace. Want to get the cloak out and sneak up to the girls’ dorms?”
“Why not,” said Remus and Sirius simultaneously - and off they traipsed.
Title: Scapegoat
Pairing: Gen (James, Sirius, Remus)
Rating: PG-13 because James has a potty mouth.
Word Count: 936
Prompt: Day 3
Summary: James didn't do it. Sirius didn't do it. Peter definitely didn't do it and the Prewetts are too busy being goody-two-shoes' or getting frisky in the broom closet. Which leaves Remus...
“Sirius FUCKING Black! Are you in here, you arse wipe?!”
“Yes, Jamie-poo?” A mop of black hair poked out from behind the curtains of Sirius’ bead. “Can I help you?”
“I am going to murder you. I am going to tear you limb from limb, then I am going to transfigure each limb into a tiny bunny rabbit and then I am going to feed you to Moony and you will die a horrible dismembered bunny rabbit death full of werewolf slobber and the worst breath in the world.”
“He really does have awful breath, doesn’t he?”
“Well if a certain mangy mutt I know didn’t let him eat skunks for breakfast I’m sure his breath would smell like daisies,” Remus called from his own bed. “Will the two of you keep it down?”
“Sorry Moony,” the two offenders chorused. Remus snorted and rolled his eyes before drawing his curtains and making a show of casting a silencing charm on them. Sirius looked at James quizzically.
“Do you think he’s getting stuffier in his old age?” he asked.
“Gods, no, remember what he was like in first year?”
“Oh Merlin, I forgot, I used to swear he was actually wearing a corset...”
James laughed heartily at the memory - but then stopped abruptly.
“Wait. Black. I’m angry at you.”
“What’ve I done now,” asked Sirius with an air of all-suffering grace.
“What have you done? What have you done?”
“Yes, that is what I said, James...”
“What you’ve done is turned all the Gryffindor girls’ robes invisible. Which, I admit, is a stroke of pure genius, but then you let Lily think it was me, and now she’s on a rampage and McGonagall wants my left nut on a platter! Padfoot! It’s not funny!”
“Oh, I think you’ll find it really, really is,” gasped Sirius between guffaws. “Especially because it wasn’t me. Though, I really wish it was.”
“Of course it was you, you berk, it’s got Sirius Black written all over it! And I mean, literally, they all have Sirius Black written across their midriffs.”
This just set Sirius laughing even harder. James struggled to keep his pout in place.
“Still wasn’t me, mate.”
“You’re a liar.”
“And you’re a massive poofter, but it still wasn’t me.”
“Then who was it?!”
“Prewetts?”
“Nah, Gid is teaching second years potions and I saw Fay disappear into a broom closet with Alton Boyd hours ago.”
“Really? Alton? Didn’t think he’d be Fabian’s type. Doesn’t he usually go for the big, surly ones?”
“Maybe he fancied topping once.”
There was more laughter before James wiped a tear from the corner of his eye and shook his head to clear it.
“Peter, then?”
They considered this possibility for a few seconds before bursting out in fresh laughter.
“You two are heartless bastards,” quipped Remus, sticking his head out from between his curtains again.
“Moony! We thought you weren’t listening!”
“I know.” Remus grinned a wicked grin and stuck his tongue out. “I can’t stand to see the two of you actually using your braincells, so I’ll save you some time before you move on to consider the rest of the student body. It was me.”
Sirius and James looked from Remus to each other and back at Remus and then burst out laughing again. Remus smirked at them, unwavering, until Sirius looked up at him and, catching the gleam in his eye that was remarkably like the cat that caught the mouse, stopped laughing.
“No... really, Moony?”
“Really, Paddy,” Remus replied with a rather large amount of snark.
James whirled on Remus. “Lupin! I don’t believe you!”
“Well, to be fair, I meant for Sirius to get the blame...”
“Remus, you are a genius.”
“Thanks, Padfoot.”
“Why do I always get blamed for things other people do,” moaned James, slumping on the bed. “It’s not fair. I’m a nice guy!”
Sirius and Remus laughed twin disbelieving laughs. “James, you are possibly evil incarnate,” Sirius gasped, looking fondly at his best friend. “And you know you always get blamed for things because they’re usually your fault.”
James grinned and shrugged. “What can I say, natural mischief maker. I think I do it in my sleep.”
“You and me both,” Sirius beamed. “And Remus, too. He’s just sneakier about it.”
“Bloody werewolf,” James cursed with a teasing grin at Remus, who pretended to be highly affronted.
“I knew it was a mistake sitting next to the two of you on the train in First Year.”
“Aw but Moonykins, think about all the soulmate-like camaraderie you would have missed out on!”
“Think of all the pranks you would never have pulled!”
“The detentions never served!”
“The Slytherins never tortured!”
“I think the two of you have something clinically wrong with you.”
“Yes, but you knew that already,” Sirius said, hanging upside down from his bed.
“Guess I did. You know, I think that’s how you were sat when we first met.”
Sirius shrugged awkwardly. “Probably.”
James laughed and shoved him off the bed before turning to Remus. “You owe me at least four bars of chocolate for the detentions I have to do, Moony.”
“That’s probably fair.”
“Ace. Want to get the cloak out and sneak up to the girls’ dorms?”
“Why not,” said Remus and Sirius simultaneously - and off they traipsed.