SVH #9 - Racing Hearts
Question: Can Roger melt Lila’s icy heart?
Probable answer: No.
First, I would like to thank James Mathewuse for this excellent depiction of uber-confident and awesome Lila and the desperate Roger Barrett. The glasses hanging from his shirt are so cool it hurts.
To the book! Note: Racing Hearts is a clever, clever book title because, see, Roger not only gets the heart pitter-patters for Lila, he also runs! Like, on a track! Get the double entendre? I know, neither did I. The ghostwriter is too quick for me.
We start with Liz and Jess admiring their perfect matching looks (no mention of size-six yet, but God knows it will come). Jess has decided that since she has been tossed out in favour of Bill for some Hollywood audition, it’s time to start thinking of her future (which, I think, is obviously a simple choice between in-patient or out-patient, but since it’s only book nine she doesn’t know yet about all the evil twins, dead boyfriends and wife-beating husbands that await her, so we’ll let her dream). Jess apparently has “three hundred and thirty seven” things to do that morning to prep herself for the future. Her fixation on that number reminds me of Alias and the number 47, and I wish for a second that Jess could be a bit more Sydney Bristow. Spinoff?
Liz bitchily asks if the new fixation on her future is just something to do between boyfriends (fair), they argue, and Liz ends up kissing Jessica’s ass as they walk downstairs to enjoy some perfect pancakes with their perfect parents. Jess tells Pepaw Wakefield she wants to work with him at the law firm, doing whatever it is he does there, which I suspect is work on his Rubik’s Cube and spin around on his big-boy chair.
We learn in the next chapter that Jess will indeed be working for Ned after school every day. Every day? Lord, Ned, it’s called slave labour and it’s not legal. Jess is talking to Awesome Lila, who thinks Jess is out of her mind to want to work. I forgive Lila, she can say whatever she wants, but I have a feeling she and I are going to weather some tough times in this book, since I already know from the cover of the book that she’s going to be mean to Poor Boy Roger. We also learn that there will be - shock - a dance, following -foreshadow - a big race known as the Bart. Here I think of a group of students doing the Bartman out on a field, but that’s just me.
We get an introduction to Roger, who makes his debut by slipping in a puddle and landing on his back in front of the girls. His glasses are described as thick and unfashionable, which is a relief to me as the reader, because I do remember the 80s well enough to remember a lot of big, ugly glasses that seemed to be taken as fashionable at the time. We also learn that poor, fashionless Roger Barrett lurves Lila, even though he knows it’s hopeless. Aw. We love Lila too, Roger, but she’s too awesome for all of us.
Lila holds nothing but contempt for Poor Roger, and we learn she calls him Bugs Bunny because he “bugs” her. Booo, Lila. D-. That was not at all in holding with your usual feats of disdain.
In walketh Olivia Davidson, who comments that Roger looks tired. Then we learn Roger’s Deep Dark Secret: he’s been working after-hours as a custodian at Sweet Valley High. His mother is sick and his father is a drunk. Sigh. I can already imagine what will happen when the SVH kids find out about all of this, because you know they will. Of course, I also know that Poor Roger later becomes Rich Roger, so I know his janitorial days will soon be behind him. Oh, Roger also laments the fact that Olivia doesn’t dress like everyone else at school and suggests she shop at the mall for her clothes like the other girls. He’s annoying me, even if Olivia’s oh-so offbeat outfit consists of: a floral print skirt, Chinese sandals and a faded silk scarf. Offbeat, Roger? Really? Well, okay.
Resident rapist-wannabes Bruce and John Pfeifer (hiss!) discuss the Bart race in the boys’ locker room. Todd snarkily tells Bruce he doesn’t stand a chance, and we learn that Todd isn’t usually so testy (except for, you know, all the time) but that Bruce had tried something with his girl Lizzie when she had that nasty bump on the head a few books back, and let me tell ya, that something wasn’t a game of Monopoly. Anyway, they talk track with the other boys for awhile, get in a few derogative comments about school slut Annie Whitman (“I’ve heard she’s booked up for weeks and isn’t going to quit until she’s had a go at every guy in school”), Winston smacks Todd’s ass with a wet towel (no), and we phase out of that scene.
The next bit is about Jessica’s new career. I find out that apparently Ned Wakefield practices Civil Law. Okay Ned, if that’s what helps you sleep at night. Just like Alice is an “interior designer,” which is code for all the pills she’s taking to keep the crazies at bay. Anyway, Jess thought she was going to get to go straight to court to defend innocent victims, but turns out all she gets to do is some photocopying. I’m right there with you Jess. I thought my first job would be glamorous too, but it turns out Burger King isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The hairnets! The polyester uniforms!
But! She meets a cute boy. His name is Dennis Creighton, and he works with his dad across the hall from Ned. He makes some slightly offensive comment about Jess being a “working woman” and that maybe she’s training for her stellar career as some man’s secretary? - but she sets him straight. Ain’t no Jessica Wakefield gonna be no one’s secretary.
Anyway, Dennis hesitates before telling us he goes to rival school El Caro. Methinks he’s lying! This is B plot material, but I’m already more interested than in the A plot.
Back to Rog, who is pining away about track. Saint Elizabeth screws on her halo and convinces him to get out on the field for the tryouts. Turns out Liz knows about Roger being a janitor (gasp) and Roger is slightly worried she will make him come clean. You know what Roger? She so would. Watch your back, man. Liz, all in his business, points out that first prize is a scholarship and implies that, you know, what with being all poor, Roger should definitely run. When he refuses and wants to end the conversation, she replies “I think you’re making a big mistake.” I love Liz’s pedestal. It’s so pretty and hypocrisy-coloured.
Lila overhears and thinks it would be hilarious if Roger competed, so she bats her eyelashes and tells him she wants him to beat Bruce for her. Roger, by the way, is wearing faded cragos and a red tee shirt. And apparently that’s a bad thing. If he didn’t look so much like Donny Osmond on the cover of this book, I might be inclined to give him Hot Points for being the one boy in Sweet Valley to dress in something other than a collared shirt and chinos. As a kid I always thought chinos were what cool teenagers wore, even though I had no idea what they were. Turns out? Not.
Roger agrees to run, and Lila, Cara and Jess all giggle behind his back. Olivia is mortified for him but doesn’t speak up against those bitches. Liz says something, but it’s kind of half-hearted, especially when she sees TBT out on the field. Wha? But he’s a BASKETball player! He can’t play more than one sport!
No big surprise - Roger beats out Bruce to win the race. The other boys actually hoist Roger onto their shoulders and Elizabeth, always making a play for every guy in Sweet Valley, calls him a hero. For winning against five other guys at the tryouts. Yep. Lila hugs him and makes suggestive comments, suddenly realizing this will make him popular. Roger, however, is aggrieved realizing he can’t practice track and keep his after school job, since his boss is a jerkface. Also, Olivia is coldly polite, having seen his reaction to Lila’s congratulations, and Roger thinks she’s being downright bitchy. We’re told Olivia is writing down her feelings in a notebook. She hearts Roger.
Sadly, Roger trades in his decent cargos-and-tee outfit for an SVH sweatsuit that we’re told he hadn’t been able to afford before. Ugh. I like poor Roger better. In the cafeteria (which, along with cheerleaders and a football team, I sadly never had at my high school. I’m still a bit angry about that; it always seemed so typically high school.) Lila and Jess check him out from behind and, when he turns, are shocked to discover it’s Roger. Apparently he now looks like everyone else in Sweet Valley High, leading me to picture a bunch of lemmings in ugly blue and red sweatsuits. Okay 1984, I know you weren’t that lame, were you? Then Lila butters Roger’s bread, and I don’t mean that in a dirty way.
Roger goes over to talk to Olivia, who is still pouring out her feelings in a notebook. Roger’s Lila defection is fodder for her emo poetry or something. She hides the book from Roger and keeps pretending to be happy for him as Lila wheedles her way between them and Roger lusts away after her.
Back to Jessica’s job! To get in some Dennis time, Jess toys with the photocopier to ensure it’s not working so she can go over to Dennis’ office and use his machine. They plan a clandestine meeting in Jessica’s father’s office after-hours. By this time, Jess has talked to him for all of five minutes. It’s a wonder she’s been only nearly raped a half dozen times.
She tells Liz she stayed late filing, while dreamily thinking of the necking. Dennis apparently suggested they meet in Ned’s office again the following night, which doesn’t have Jess suspicious at all, but has me betting there’s something goin’ on.
Roger does some more soul-searching after the Coach gets mad at him for missing practice the day before. He’s a janitor at the school. Is it possible that nobody at all knows this, including the teachers? Oh, and Lila wrote him a poem! Which apparently Olivia refused to print for the Oracle. It goes like such:
Roger Barrett, a boy so fine
His speedy running is so divine.
In school, too, he is very smart
He’ll walk away with the trophy at the Bart.
In everything he operates at the highest stratum
We at Sweet Valley are so proud to have him.
I’m ashamed that Lila wrote this (and hope that she actually got one of her hired hands to do it) and apparently so is Roger, because he’s glad Olivia saved Lila the humiliation. She invites him over to use her pool, and he turns her down, thinking of his job. Lila is pissed and can’t imagine what better he has to do. Neither can I! A Lila pool invite should trump all.
Here I find out I was wrong about Roger being janitor at the school, but I’m too lazy to go back and fix it. He’s actually a janitor in Ned’s office building, and Liz sees him when she goes to spy on Jess. Liz spying? Shock. She sees Jess making out with Dennis and asks if she can join in. No. Instead, “moving like a cheetah”, she hides behind a water fountain to spy some more. As Jess and Dennis are leaving, Jess spots Poor Roger mopping floors. Oh no! His good name is ruined! Unless… Saint Lizzy can do something, but quick!
Lila lies at home dreaming of her and Roger as the new golden couple of Sweet Valley. Even better than the short-lived but spectacular Jess-and-Bruce duo, she thinks. Hah! Gee, will she still feel this way when she finds out about Roger cleaning bathrooms to pay his family’s bills? Probably, because Lila doesn’t care at all about things like that.
Liz tells Jess about her spying ways (which I still think is totally creepy, stupid nosy Liz) and blackmails her into not telling anyone about Roger. Jess thinks it’s not like Liz to resort to blackmail, but I can tell her it definitely is. She also thinks about spilling the secret, and how she’d never normally break a promise to her sister (except that she does all the time) but this news is too good.
Liz actually thinks Jess scored with this Dennis guy and is probably wishing Todd would neck her in the copy room once in awhile, instead of his usual standard of taking her to the Dairi Burger and asking her to go steady and draping her in his letterman’s jacket and getting two straws for their soda. But then Jess admits Dennis won’t take her out on weekends and only wants to see her at Ned’s office which… isn’t suspicious at all.
Lila’s desperate for help and comes begging Jess for advice. FOR SHAME, LILA! Jess thinks it’s pretty funny, and actually, so do I, if only because Lila thinks working on the weekends is pitiable and she can’t imagine anyone ever dating someone who worked Friday and Saturday nights. Hey, Burger King drive-thru was an amazing place to be on weekend nights, okay Lila? Builds character. Eff off.
Anyway, Jess’ great idea is for Lila to throw a party in honour of the Coach, who is retiring because of cancer/his heart/he’s getting fired… rumours abound. Roger will have to show up since it’s for the Coach. It seems a bit tacky for Lila to throw a party at her house for a teacher who may or may not be dying of some disease, but everything is cause for a party, so okay.
Of course, Jess thinks that at the party she can slip a quick word to Cara about how great it is that Roger could get time off cleaning toilets to come to the party. Meanwhile, Lila is gushing about what a great friend Jess is and what would she do without her! Thought? Have less crazy in your life, Lila. Have less crazy.
Anyway, Roger finally decides he can’t keep up the charade and goes to see the Coach, who tells him his boss has already called in and agreed to give him all kinds of time off because - as we know by this point - Liz stuck her perfect size-six nose in and asked Ned to talk to Roger’s boss. You know, even if I wasn’t a jerkface of a boss, I would totally resent my employee having some idiot “lawyer” call in and ask for time off for him. But as Liz sternly tells Roger, his boss owes Roger the time off and it’s illegal not to give vacation time, etc… well, sure, but you do have to give more than a day’s notice, Liz. I actually think it’s pretty nice of the guy to give Roger time off at the last minute. Anyway, Roger can race!
Oooh, but… he already told Lila about not racing and about being a janitor and she totally dumped him. Oops! True colours are showing, Lila. Anyway, regardless of Roger’s popularity status, unless he got hisself some contact lenses it never would have worked anyway. Lila would not be seen with some guy in those glasses! C’mon!
There’s kind of a sweet moment with Olivia and Roger discussing their mutual love, but I’m skipping it because Jess’ story is still better. Dennis, it turns out, does not want to take Jess out because he doesn’t have a car. In a scene that seems to me to belong in the 1950s, Jess is momentarily stumped with that problem, but then assures him: “I could pick you up in my car, and then you could drive us.” Because a woman driving with a man as her passenger just has shock and horror written all over it.
Oh, but no, it gets worse! Dennis, you see, doesn’t even have a permit because… he’s just turned fifteen! That’s his big secret! Aww… but Jess is all “I’m soooo out of here, I would never date a guy who couldn’t drive my bitchy ass around” even though she thinks she really likes him and actually sheds a few tears on her way to the elevator. I can’t even make fun of this, because I’m sure this same ageism went on in my high school. In fact, I remember turning a guy down for being younger… though, to be fair, he also threw things at me to get my attention. And not even good things like candy or love notes, just balled up pieces of paper and erasers. The only place that’s an acceptable form of flirting is in the third grade.
So all’s well that ends well - Roger wins the race and the scholarship! Olivia and Roger kiss! The Coach isn’t dying after all! Lila still hasn’t been humbled (and never will be)! And we all get a lead-in to the Annie-the-slutty-wannabe-cheerleader story.
Whatever happened with Olivia and Roger, anyway? I mean, before she died and he got all rich and probably ripped up his scholarship to lame-ass Sweet Valley College?
Probable answer: No.
First, I would like to thank James Mathewuse for this excellent depiction of uber-confident and awesome Lila and the desperate Roger Barrett. The glasses hanging from his shirt are so cool it hurts.
To the book! Note: Racing Hearts is a clever, clever book title because, see, Roger not only gets the heart pitter-patters for Lila, he also runs! Like, on a track! Get the double entendre? I know, neither did I. The ghostwriter is too quick for me.
We start with Liz and Jess admiring their perfect matching looks (no mention of size-six yet, but God knows it will come). Jess has decided that since she has been tossed out in favour of Bill for some Hollywood audition, it’s time to start thinking of her future (which, I think, is obviously a simple choice between in-patient or out-patient, but since it’s only book nine she doesn’t know yet about all the evil twins, dead boyfriends and wife-beating husbands that await her, so we’ll let her dream). Jess apparently has “three hundred and thirty seven” things to do that morning to prep herself for the future. Her fixation on that number reminds me of Alias and the number 47, and I wish for a second that Jess could be a bit more Sydney Bristow. Spinoff?
Liz bitchily asks if the new fixation on her future is just something to do between boyfriends (fair), they argue, and Liz ends up kissing Jessica’s ass as they walk downstairs to enjoy some perfect pancakes with their perfect parents. Jess tells Pepaw Wakefield she wants to work with him at the law firm, doing whatever it is he does there, which I suspect is work on his Rubik’s Cube and spin around on his big-boy chair.
We learn in the next chapter that Jess will indeed be working for Ned after school every day. Every day? Lord, Ned, it’s called slave labour and it’s not legal. Jess is talking to Awesome Lila, who thinks Jess is out of her mind to want to work. I forgive Lila, she can say whatever she wants, but I have a feeling she and I are going to weather some tough times in this book, since I already know from the cover of the book that she’s going to be mean to Poor Boy Roger. We also learn that there will be - shock - a dance, following -foreshadow - a big race known as the Bart. Here I think of a group of students doing the Bartman out on a field, but that’s just me.
We get an introduction to Roger, who makes his debut by slipping in a puddle and landing on his back in front of the girls. His glasses are described as thick and unfashionable, which is a relief to me as the reader, because I do remember the 80s well enough to remember a lot of big, ugly glasses that seemed to be taken as fashionable at the time. We also learn that poor, fashionless Roger Barrett lurves Lila, even though he knows it’s hopeless. Aw. We love Lila too, Roger, but she’s too awesome for all of us.
Lila holds nothing but contempt for Poor Roger, and we learn she calls him Bugs Bunny because he “bugs” her. Booo, Lila. D-. That was not at all in holding with your usual feats of disdain.
In walketh Olivia Davidson, who comments that Roger looks tired. Then we learn Roger’s Deep Dark Secret: he’s been working after-hours as a custodian at Sweet Valley High. His mother is sick and his father is a drunk. Sigh. I can already imagine what will happen when the SVH kids find out about all of this, because you know they will. Of course, I also know that Poor Roger later becomes Rich Roger, so I know his janitorial days will soon be behind him. Oh, Roger also laments the fact that Olivia doesn’t dress like everyone else at school and suggests she shop at the mall for her clothes like the other girls. He’s annoying me, even if Olivia’s oh-so offbeat outfit consists of: a floral print skirt, Chinese sandals and a faded silk scarf. Offbeat, Roger? Really? Well, okay.
Resident rapist-wannabes Bruce and John Pfeifer (hiss!) discuss the Bart race in the boys’ locker room. Todd snarkily tells Bruce he doesn’t stand a chance, and we learn that Todd isn’t usually so testy (except for, you know, all the time) but that Bruce had tried something with his girl Lizzie when she had that nasty bump on the head a few books back, and let me tell ya, that something wasn’t a game of Monopoly. Anyway, they talk track with the other boys for awhile, get in a few derogative comments about school slut Annie Whitman (“I’ve heard she’s booked up for weeks and isn’t going to quit until she’s had a go at every guy in school”), Winston smacks Todd’s ass with a wet towel (no), and we phase out of that scene.
The next bit is about Jessica’s new career. I find out that apparently Ned Wakefield practices Civil Law. Okay Ned, if that’s what helps you sleep at night. Just like Alice is an “interior designer,” which is code for all the pills she’s taking to keep the crazies at bay. Anyway, Jess thought she was going to get to go straight to court to defend innocent victims, but turns out all she gets to do is some photocopying. I’m right there with you Jess. I thought my first job would be glamorous too, but it turns out Burger King isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The hairnets! The polyester uniforms!
But! She meets a cute boy. His name is Dennis Creighton, and he works with his dad across the hall from Ned. He makes some slightly offensive comment about Jess being a “working woman” and that maybe she’s training for her stellar career as some man’s secretary? - but she sets him straight. Ain’t no Jessica Wakefield gonna be no one’s secretary.
Anyway, Dennis hesitates before telling us he goes to rival school El Caro. Methinks he’s lying! This is B plot material, but I’m already more interested than in the A plot.
Back to Rog, who is pining away about track. Saint Elizabeth screws on her halo and convinces him to get out on the field for the tryouts. Turns out Liz knows about Roger being a janitor (gasp) and Roger is slightly worried she will make him come clean. You know what Roger? She so would. Watch your back, man. Liz, all in his business, points out that first prize is a scholarship and implies that, you know, what with being all poor, Roger should definitely run. When he refuses and wants to end the conversation, she replies “I think you’re making a big mistake.” I love Liz’s pedestal. It’s so pretty and hypocrisy-coloured.
Lila overhears and thinks it would be hilarious if Roger competed, so she bats her eyelashes and tells him she wants him to beat Bruce for her. Roger, by the way, is wearing faded cragos and a red tee shirt. And apparently that’s a bad thing. If he didn’t look so much like Donny Osmond on the cover of this book, I might be inclined to give him Hot Points for being the one boy in Sweet Valley to dress in something other than a collared shirt and chinos. As a kid I always thought chinos were what cool teenagers wore, even though I had no idea what they were. Turns out? Not.
Roger agrees to run, and Lila, Cara and Jess all giggle behind his back. Olivia is mortified for him but doesn’t speak up against those bitches. Liz says something, but it’s kind of half-hearted, especially when she sees TBT out on the field. Wha? But he’s a BASKETball player! He can’t play more than one sport!
No big surprise - Roger beats out Bruce to win the race. The other boys actually hoist Roger onto their shoulders and Elizabeth, always making a play for every guy in Sweet Valley, calls him a hero. For winning against five other guys at the tryouts. Yep. Lila hugs him and makes suggestive comments, suddenly realizing this will make him popular. Roger, however, is aggrieved realizing he can’t practice track and keep his after school job, since his boss is a jerkface. Also, Olivia is coldly polite, having seen his reaction to Lila’s congratulations, and Roger thinks she’s being downright bitchy. We’re told Olivia is writing down her feelings in a notebook. She hearts Roger.
Sadly, Roger trades in his decent cargos-and-tee outfit for an SVH sweatsuit that we’re told he hadn’t been able to afford before. Ugh. I like poor Roger better. In the cafeteria (which, along with cheerleaders and a football team, I sadly never had at my high school. I’m still a bit angry about that; it always seemed so typically high school.) Lila and Jess check him out from behind and, when he turns, are shocked to discover it’s Roger. Apparently he now looks like everyone else in Sweet Valley High, leading me to picture a bunch of lemmings in ugly blue and red sweatsuits. Okay 1984, I know you weren’t that lame, were you? Then Lila butters Roger’s bread, and I don’t mean that in a dirty way.
Roger goes over to talk to Olivia, who is still pouring out her feelings in a notebook. Roger’s Lila defection is fodder for her emo poetry or something. She hides the book from Roger and keeps pretending to be happy for him as Lila wheedles her way between them and Roger lusts away after her.
Back to Jessica’s job! To get in some Dennis time, Jess toys with the photocopier to ensure it’s not working so she can go over to Dennis’ office and use his machine. They plan a clandestine meeting in Jessica’s father’s office after-hours. By this time, Jess has talked to him for all of five minutes. It’s a wonder she’s been only nearly raped a half dozen times.
She tells Liz she stayed late filing, while dreamily thinking of the necking. Dennis apparently suggested they meet in Ned’s office again the following night, which doesn’t have Jess suspicious at all, but has me betting there’s something goin’ on.
Roger does some more soul-searching after the Coach gets mad at him for missing practice the day before. He’s a janitor at the school. Is it possible that nobody at all knows this, including the teachers? Oh, and Lila wrote him a poem! Which apparently Olivia refused to print for the Oracle. It goes like such:
Roger Barrett, a boy so fine
His speedy running is so divine.
In school, too, he is very smart
He’ll walk away with the trophy at the Bart.
In everything he operates at the highest stratum
We at Sweet Valley are so proud to have him.
I’m ashamed that Lila wrote this (and hope that she actually got one of her hired hands to do it) and apparently so is Roger, because he’s glad Olivia saved Lila the humiliation. She invites him over to use her pool, and he turns her down, thinking of his job. Lila is pissed and can’t imagine what better he has to do. Neither can I! A Lila pool invite should trump all.
Here I find out I was wrong about Roger being janitor at the school, but I’m too lazy to go back and fix it. He’s actually a janitor in Ned’s office building, and Liz sees him when she goes to spy on Jess. Liz spying? Shock. She sees Jess making out with Dennis and asks if she can join in. No. Instead, “moving like a cheetah”, she hides behind a water fountain to spy some more. As Jess and Dennis are leaving, Jess spots Poor Roger mopping floors. Oh no! His good name is ruined! Unless… Saint Lizzy can do something, but quick!
Lila lies at home dreaming of her and Roger as the new golden couple of Sweet Valley. Even better than the short-lived but spectacular Jess-and-Bruce duo, she thinks. Hah! Gee, will she still feel this way when she finds out about Roger cleaning bathrooms to pay his family’s bills? Probably, because Lila doesn’t care at all about things like that.
Liz tells Jess about her spying ways (which I still think is totally creepy, stupid nosy Liz) and blackmails her into not telling anyone about Roger. Jess thinks it’s not like Liz to resort to blackmail, but I can tell her it definitely is. She also thinks about spilling the secret, and how she’d never normally break a promise to her sister (except that she does all the time) but this news is too good.
Liz actually thinks Jess scored with this Dennis guy and is probably wishing Todd would neck her in the copy room once in awhile, instead of his usual standard of taking her to the Dairi Burger and asking her to go steady and draping her in his letterman’s jacket and getting two straws for their soda. But then Jess admits Dennis won’t take her out on weekends and only wants to see her at Ned’s office which… isn’t suspicious at all.
Lila’s desperate for help and comes begging Jess for advice. FOR SHAME, LILA! Jess thinks it’s pretty funny, and actually, so do I, if only because Lila thinks working on the weekends is pitiable and she can’t imagine anyone ever dating someone who worked Friday and Saturday nights. Hey, Burger King drive-thru was an amazing place to be on weekend nights, okay Lila? Builds character. Eff off.
Anyway, Jess’ great idea is for Lila to throw a party in honour of the Coach, who is retiring because of cancer/his heart/he’s getting fired… rumours abound. Roger will have to show up since it’s for the Coach. It seems a bit tacky for Lila to throw a party at her house for a teacher who may or may not be dying of some disease, but everything is cause for a party, so okay.
Of course, Jess thinks that at the party she can slip a quick word to Cara about how great it is that Roger could get time off cleaning toilets to come to the party. Meanwhile, Lila is gushing about what a great friend Jess is and what would she do without her! Thought? Have less crazy in your life, Lila. Have less crazy.
Anyway, Roger finally decides he can’t keep up the charade and goes to see the Coach, who tells him his boss has already called in and agreed to give him all kinds of time off because - as we know by this point - Liz stuck her perfect size-six nose in and asked Ned to talk to Roger’s boss. You know, even if I wasn’t a jerkface of a boss, I would totally resent my employee having some idiot “lawyer” call in and ask for time off for him. But as Liz sternly tells Roger, his boss owes Roger the time off and it’s illegal not to give vacation time, etc… well, sure, but you do have to give more than a day’s notice, Liz. I actually think it’s pretty nice of the guy to give Roger time off at the last minute. Anyway, Roger can race!
Oooh, but… he already told Lila about not racing and about being a janitor and she totally dumped him. Oops! True colours are showing, Lila. Anyway, regardless of Roger’s popularity status, unless he got hisself some contact lenses it never would have worked anyway. Lila would not be seen with some guy in those glasses! C’mon!
There’s kind of a sweet moment with Olivia and Roger discussing their mutual love, but I’m skipping it because Jess’ story is still better. Dennis, it turns out, does not want to take Jess out because he doesn’t have a car. In a scene that seems to me to belong in the 1950s, Jess is momentarily stumped with that problem, but then assures him: “I could pick you up in my car, and then you could drive us.” Because a woman driving with a man as her passenger just has shock and horror written all over it.
Oh, but no, it gets worse! Dennis, you see, doesn’t even have a permit because… he’s just turned fifteen! That’s his big secret! Aww… but Jess is all “I’m soooo out of here, I would never date a guy who couldn’t drive my bitchy ass around” even though she thinks she really likes him and actually sheds a few tears on her way to the elevator. I can’t even make fun of this, because I’m sure this same ageism went on in my high school. In fact, I remember turning a guy down for being younger… though, to be fair, he also threw things at me to get my attention. And not even good things like candy or love notes, just balled up pieces of paper and erasers. The only place that’s an acceptable form of flirting is in the third grade.
So all’s well that ends well - Roger wins the race and the scholarship! Olivia and Roger kiss! The Coach isn’t dying after all! Lila still hasn’t been humbled (and never will be)! And we all get a lead-in to the Annie-the-slutty-wannabe-cheerleader story.
Whatever happened with Olivia and Roger, anyway? I mean, before she died and he got all rich and probably ripped up his scholarship to lame-ass Sweet Valley College?