Sweet Valley University #4: Anything for Love
Sweet Valley University #4: Anything for Love
This is the fourth book in the SVU series. I have recapped #1: College Girls and #6: The Love of Her Life already. Why don’t I do them in order if I have the first eight, you ask? To this I say, bah! Stop asking stupid questions and check out the awesome flannel shirt Mike is sporting on the cover. Oh flannel, you were so hot in 1994. I also love how Nina is trying to pretend she doesn’t know these people. Wise move, Nina. They crazy!
Jessica is riding on the back of Mike’s motorcycle. Wouldn’t it be awesome if he had one of those shirts that said “If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off”? Anyway, did you know Jessica had blonde hair? And sea-green eyes? I bet you didn’t. This is all new information! Jessica also exposits that she’s been living with Mike McAllery for a month now, and he gets mad whenever she wants to go out with someone else (because she should only hang out with him now) yet she often cries her self to sleep at night (alone) and finds him passed out drunk on the sofa, smelling of perfume. Their relationship is completely fair and balanced. Just like Fox News!
Mike pulls the motorcycle into a “shabby” diner’s parking lot. He lifts Jess off the bike, and refuses to put her down saying he’ll “never” let her go. That’s not creepy or ominous at all! Jess isn’t freaked out though, she’s touched. She loves Mike and tells him so. Then he asks her to marry him. In a shabby diner’s parking lot! Just like every girl dreams! Jessica is so lucky!
Steven whines to Billie that Mike and Jessica have nothing in common. He can’t believe Jessica is trying to settle down and says the guys used to call her Jessica “Good Time” Wakefield. (Yet she looked down on poor Annie.) Steven reminds Billie that Parents’ Weekend at SVU is coming up, and he doesn’t know how Jessica is going to hide Mike from Ned and Alice. He apparently doesn’t know Ned and Alice never get involved in their children’s lives. Steven complains some more about Mike saying he is a “criminal” which Billie says he has no proof of. Steven doesn’t care! Like the SV police, he doesn’t need no stinkin’ evidence.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth goes to visit Nina Harper in the hospital. Nina has been in the hospital since a racist secret society attacked her and her boyfriend, Bryan Nelson. Bryan is still in intensive care. But don’t worry about him; he’ll live to be kind of a douche, next semester. Nina wakes up and makes jokes. I love Nina. Then she says she’s leaving SVU to transfer to a school where she won’t be beaten up for walking when black, as you might consider when you’ve been attacked by a racist secret society. Liz is shocked! She doesn’t want to lose Nina. I don’t want to lose Nina either.
Liz tells Nina not to leave because she plans on exposing the secret society on WSVU. (Which, I’m sure will go real well.) Liz thinks it’s the Sigmas, who harassed Jessica after she briefly dated black!Danny Wyatt, and she’s going to get Tom to help her with the story. Nina is like, “That’s nice, Liz, but it doesn’t mean I want to stay.” You mean Liz’s mad journalism skills don’t make you want to stay at a school where you could be killed?!? That is so... completely rational.
Todd Wilkins plays basketball with his girlfriend, Lauren Hill. But he can’t concentrate because there’s going to be a hearing about SVU athletes getting special treatment (which Liz and Tom’s news story caused). She can’t understand why he’s worried. She’s not that bright. Compared to Todd. Think about that.
Lauren says if anything bad happens it’s all Liz’s fault. And in Lauren’s defense, if my boyfriend’s ex ran a story that made him possibly lose his scholarship just after they broke up, I would think the same thing. But because it’s Saint Elizabeth of Sweet Valley, who has her mad journalistic integrity, the ghost writer wants us to Lauren is a jealous bitch who lets boys touch her naughty bits. Nasty Laurenses. We hates her. Tricksey cruel and false.
Enid “Alex” Rollins and her boyfriend, Mark Gathers, have a fight. She thinks everything was perfect until Liz aired that stupid story. Apparently Liz wanted to get "even" with Alex for not being her friend anymore. Okay, that one is a reach. Liz is supposed to keep track of who Alex’s boyfriend is even though they don’t speak anymore? And then she’s supposed to know, through some psychic twin power no doubt, that he will turn into a dick as soon as he stops playing ball? Whatever. Alex was so much smarter when she was Enid. Does she not remember about Todd?
William White shows up at Dickenson Hall looking for Liz, who isn’t there. But guess who is? My girl Celine. William and Celine exchange banter. Is it wrong that I want him to give up this Liz obsession and have snarky, racist babies with Celine? Okay, maybe it is wrong, what with the racism and all. But you gotta admit, it’d be more fun than the William turns out to be batshit insane and turns up every few books to stalk Liz plotline Francine went with. Anyway, William and Liz had a date, but Liz is at Nina’s bedside. William wasn’t aware Liz had black friends. He doesn’t approve. Not the black people!
Elsewhere on campus, Danny Watt (who is also guilty of being black) rags on Tom Watts. Tom is thinking of quitting the Wakefield-Watts journalism duo because he is so in love with Liz. But she's going out with racist William. (Her serial monogamy gets confusing.) Later, Tom goes to WSVU and thinks about Liz some more. Boy is obsessed. But he is jolted back to reality when he discovers a threatening note left for him. It tells him not to dig into Bryan Nelson’s attack and is signed with the broken star emblem (which we know is the racist secret society logo since we’ve read ahead. Aren’t you glad I skipped now?) Tom had conveniently forgotten about the secret society he once joined. Oops!
Crap. That was only chapter one. I better pick up the pace or we’ll be here all day.
Okay, um, Danny meets Isabella at the coffee house. Danny likes Izzy. Sadly, Izzy likes Tom. And Tom likes Liz. See the problem? Izzy wants help asking Tom out. Danny tells her that he and Tom are going for pizza on Tuesday; she should be there. Oh that’s too complicated, just get kidnapped by a cult leader! He’ll leap over pits for you!
Tom is at the station deciding what will go on the air in upcoming broadcasts. He thinks, regarding the suggestion they run a profile on Parents’ Day: “What could be fluffier than a profile of Parent’s Day? he wondered. He was supposed to be running a […] news program, not a community bulletin board.” I wish Tom ran the major networks. They’d love a nice profile on Parents’ Day. Liz comes in and suggests a piece on racism on campus. Tom says no because it’s “too dangerous,” although this is just a lie it ends up being sort of true. Liz angrily declares that if he won’t help her, she’ll do it alone.
Winston is depressed. He nearly died in the fraternity hazing (another scandal Tom and Liz reported on). Denise comes and wants to know what is wrong. He says he’s sulking because now that he won’t be a Sigma he’ll never be a Big Man on Campus. Oh, whatever. Denise awesomely tells him that’s stupid (it is!) and makes him come with her to shoot pool. Denise is okay too.
Elizabeth, because she’s oblivious, complains to William about how Tom won’t help her with the racism story. Little does she know, no one could be more pleased by this fact than William. Seriously, she’d get more sympathy out of a wall. William suggests he just wanted to throw her off the story because he’s jealous. (Of her mad journalism skills? Ha!)
While the racist is putting the moves on Liz, her friend Nina is still in the hospital. Nina's parents phone her (they’re out of the country, naturally). Her mother says she’s coming to take her home as soon as she can. Don’t go, Nina! With Lila still married to the Count, I have no one to look up to!
Except maybe Celine, who has spent the evening smoking and going through Liz’s things. She is not impressed with Liz’s writing on the racist incidents on campus. Celine would vote no in the Liz the Bard poll.
Jessica imagines her perfect wedding. ...And then she comes back to reality, in which she’s marrying Mike in the “Forever After Chapel.” It’s a classy joint, they give Jessica a bouquet of fake roses and suggest one of the many cats lying around be her maid of honor. (Somewhere in Italy, Lila is pissed.) So they get married in their jeans and t-shirts. Those jean and t-shirt weddings always last, don’t they? Just ask Britney’s first husband!
Chapter three! I’m getting less verbose! Aren’t you proud?
Jessica and Mike are celebrating their marriage at a diner. Also classy. Mike puts money in the jukebox and makes Jessica dance with him to Elvis songs. The waitresses are so moved they give them their cheeseburgers free! And Jessica mocked Steven as wanting a cookout wedding in Inferno(!). Who is having burgers at their reception, Jessica? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not Steven.
Nina’s mom, Grace, visits her in the hospital. Her mother is predictably annoying and overbearing. A nurse comes with news that Bryan is out of intensive care and Nina can visit him, but Grace tells Nina he’s a radical and she should never see him again. Holy manufactured drama, Batman.
Elizabeth has an “epiphany” at the library. She realizes it wasn’t the Sigmas who attacked Bryan and Nina, but rather the secret society. I actually read this paragraph a couple times looking for the big epiphany only to realize Liz was just that slow. She didn’t connect the secret society to the racism until now. She goes to WSVU to tell Tom but he’s like, “Yeah, duh, thanks for sharing, Captain Obvious.” He still says she can’t do the piece because the secret society might kill her (also true). Liz has a hissy fit, complete with door slamming action, and leaves.
Then Liz goes out with William. She tells him about her second fight with Tom. He says he’s never heard of a SVU secret society (LIES!) and then suggests that Tom knows an awful lot about the society. The logic here is so clearly faulty I don’t know what to say; he goes from “it probably isn’t real” to “Tom is in the society” in like five sentences. And she totally doesn’t call him on his shit. The theme of this recap is Liz = not too bright.
Danny and Izzy wait for Tom at the pizza place but he never shows. Izzy realizes she doesn’t really care about Tom and the two of them head off to a different pizza place that Izzy says has better toppings. I love Isabella right here. She’s like “I have a crush on a guy, but he’s too much effort so forget about it.” If she sat around being emo and lovesick I would have to dock her some serious cool points but she doesn’t. Jessica picks awesome friends.
Celine has a date with Peter Wilbourne III. She thinks he’s a member of the secret society so she tells him about Liz’s story to see what his reaction will be. Peter gets grumpy. Celine is like, “I called it.”
Tom is at WSVU. He is about to head out (late) to get pizza with Danny when he sees Liz with William. Tom has never liked William, though he is not sure why. He wants to tell Liz there is something off about him, but can’t think of a concrete reason besides the fact that the too handsome William reminds him of Dorian Gray. He doesn’t think Liz would accept this justification. I am of three minds (yes, three) about this allusion. On one hand, I’m an English major and I love that Tom knows literature. It makes me love him a bit more. You know Todd Punch never cracked a book. But on the other hand, he gives the title of the novel as “The Portrait of Dorian Gray” and it is technically the “The Picture of Dorian Gray.” Ghost writer gets no biscuit. And thirdly, it brings to mind the Clueless quote: “He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holder friend of Dorothy. Know what I'm saying?” The reference is a little gay, okay? To prove that point, Tom then goes back to his dorm room and opens the old box containing his secret society ring. If Dorian Gray and Tom are part of the society, and they all have matching jewelry, could it be a racist homosexual secret society, perhaps?
I’ll let you think about that while we move on to chapter four.
One day later, Jessica is already having second thoughts about her marriage. She and Mike pull up at the apartment complex and immediately get in a fight with Steven. Steven calls Mike “trash” and Mike calls him an “uptight android,” which is a way better put down. Jessica doesn’t tell Steven they got married and Mike is upset.
Tom returns to his dorm room and immediately senses something is not right. (He’s Spider-man!) The secret society has broken into his room and left another message. He broods on it for awhile until Danny returns and cheers him up.
At the hospital, Grace Harper is being domineering again while Nina prepares to leave. She sneaks away to see how Bryan is. He jokes that on their third date they’re going to get kidnapped and dropped from a helicopter. You know it’s Sweet Valley when I wonder, “Did that really happen? Because it could.” Bryan is upset to hear Nina intends on leaving SVU. She reads on his cast the words “Don’t Let Ignorance Get You Down” and asks who wrote that. Bryan says his father did. Nina thinks her parents would write “Take the Money and Run.” Hee. Nina is awesome. She promises to return to visit Bryan and thinks about the slogan.
Tom and Danny go out to eat. Tom was hoping to just hang out with Danny and unclench about the letter. But Isabella is at the restaurant. Tom knows she’s into him and doesn’t want to deal with that at that moment, so he bails. Danny calls him stupid. (I only mention that because I love how Danny will call Tom on his shit. They’re like brothers.)
Jessica wakes up with Mike. She mentions that she spent the night “making love” with Mike. Say it with me: OMG TEH SEX!
Meanwhile, Tom shows Liz the message from the racist (and possibly homosexual) secret society. It says “STOP HER OR WE WILL.” Liz, being a complete dumbass, insists that “her” isn’t her. It’s just his other journalism partner poking her nose into the secret society. She’s such an idiot. Then when he says they’re not going to the story, she argues that they can keep at it and no one will know. That’d be a good plan if you didn’t go out each night and tell the leader of the secret society exactly what you did each day. I’m starting to understand why she gets kidnapped so often. Tom is like, “D’oh!”
At school, Jessica spots Izzy, Denise and some Thetas. She tries to tell Isabella that she got married but Alison Quinn keeps talking over her. Alison asks if her parents are coming to the upcoming Parents’ Weekend and Jessica realizes her parents will flip abot her marriage. Isabella says Jessica can move back in with her until Parents’ Weekend and Jessica thinks this is a great idea.
Next (in chapter five!), Jessica cooks Mike breakfast. Mike is apparently very particular about his coffee. He should make it himself then. She tells him about moving back into the dorm and he freaks out. He wants to know if she is ashamed of him. She says she’s just waiting for the right moment to tell her parents she’s married, to which he responds that the right moment was just after the ceremony. He’s kinda got a point there. He threatens her that if she doesn’t tell them soon, he’ll leave. Actually, I think he’ll do something else.
Meanwhile, back at the totally boring plotline, Todd, Alex and Mark have breakfast before their hearing. Mark starts shouting again. Then Winston and Liz come in and of course Winston is friendly. Todd, Mark and Alex are all bitches to Liz.
Later, Liz meets another bitch, Nina’s mother. Grace doesn’t like that Liz is a reporter. She says reporters don’t have friends; they only care about their stories. She doesn’t want Liz doing a piece on Nina. She can’t believe the people Nina hangs out with, dissing both Bryan and Liz in the same sentence. When her mom is out of earshot, Nina tells Liz that the voice of one of the attackers was familiar but she can’t quite place it. Liz says she thought Nina wouldn’t help her with the investigation and Nina says something has changed her mind (then she looks at her mother). Hee.
Celine goes through Liz’s notes. Liz catches her. They fight. Celine is amusing, except she’s happy Nina is leaving which isn’t cool. Nina is awesome! Liz leaves (more dorm slamming action) and Celine “accidentally” spills nail polish on Liz’s bed. Oops!
That night, Liz goes out with William again. They have a picnic on the beach. Willie starts kissing her “passionately” and Liz pulls away, because she’s a tease. Liz then lies and says she has work to do for WSVU and has to leave. She had decided not to tell “anyone” about the racism piece, but decides William doesn’t count (*headdesk*) and tells him she hasn’t given up on it. Between leaving her notebook around for Celine to read and just telling William everything, Liz sure is keeping this story a secret!
Jessica and Mike fought “all day.” But then they made up and went to the damn diner again. Jessica sees Liz and William and wants to go say hi. Mike goes cold. He doesn’t like William at all and won’t speak to him. Mike wants to know what Liz is doing with William when Mike already warned Jessica about Willie (this I don’t remember). Jessica is like, “Oh I didn’t know you were serious about that.” HEAD FREAKING DESK.
Chapter six: Nina and Liz have breakfast sans Grace who is meeting with the dean. They talk about what it’s like not to have parents around. You would think Liz knew about this since kindergarten. Then they move to talking about the secret society. It’s kinda a dull scene. I expect more from you, Nina.
Winston and Todd have lunch. What’s with all the eating scenes in this book? It’s making me hungry.
Danny and Izzy meet at the coffeehouse (see?) and discuss Tom. She starts to realize she likes Danny better.
Jessica happens to be working at the coffeehouse at that time. Technically she has a job there, but she only ever works like once a week it seems. Jess is irritated that the Thetas are there talking about frivolous things when she has to work. Izzy comes over and asks when Jessica is moving in again. Jessica replies that she “can’t” move back with Izzy and will only be there for Parents’ Weekend. Izzy asks what kind of hold over her “that creep” has that she is not allowed to leave the apartment. Jessica still hasn’t told her (or anyone else for that matter) that she married that creep.
Winston helps Liz with her investigation into Peter Wilbourne. Winston is nice. It’s sad that he’s always such an afterthought in these books. Liz then heads over to see Steven and Billie the Girl. She thinks about how Jessica didn’t come speak to her and William the previous evening. William likes Mike about as much as Mike likes William. He thought Jess didn’t come over because she was embarrassed to be seen with Mike, which isn’t that far off the mark, I would say. When Liz arrives at the apartment complex, she sees Mike, who is happy to see her. He thinks she came to see Jessica. Liz is confused. She didn’t know Jess even lived there. They are crappy sisters. I wouldn’t move without telling my sister.
Later, Steven admits he didn’t tell Liz about Jessica living with Mike because he didn’t want her to worry (what?). Boy, these Wakefield kids sure do an awful lot of not talking about stuff when it is convenient for the plot!
Tom takes a break from WSVU and goes to get a snack (I am so hungry!). He thinks the people at the snack bar are too happy. I guess we’re supposed to think he’s grouchy now, but I often feel this way about other others. I hate going out and people are laughing a lot, it distracts me from my daily anti-social people hating and solitary reading. Anyway, Tom has received yet another threatening note from the racist secret society. They sure do a lot of note passing in this secret society. It’s like study hall or something. At the snack bar, Tom sees Celine and Peter. After some emo thought process, in which he overhears girls talking about Parents’ Weekend and wondering what his father would’ve told him to do in this situation, Tom decides to start investigating. He smiles at Celine, knowing he can get information out of her.
Jessica comes home to find Mike sitting in silence (a warning sign, he usually turns on music.) He’s clearly pissed off. When she goes to take a bath, he grabs her and “wrenches” her arm. Jessica is afraid he’s going to hit her. Mike tells her that he saw Elizabeth and she knew nothing about the wedding. Mike has told everyone he knows he got married; he was so happy. But Jessica has not even told her twin. He kicks the coffee table, shattering the glass. He demands to know why she hasn’t told her parents either, and throws a coffee mug at the wall. She says she’s afraid they’ll “break them up” and cries. Mike says no one will ever break them up and cries too.
Chapter seven! Nina visits Bryan in the hospital; she brought him doughnuts (now I want a doughnut. A jelly one.) Apparently, the Dean had nothing but nice things to say about Bryan and now Grace Harper wants to meet him because he’s a straight A student. Those B students aren’t worth her time, I guess. Nina has decided she wants to stay at SVU for good. Bryan and I are relieved.
Jessica tries to figure out how she’s going to keep Mike away from her parents during Parents’ Weekend. To keep Mike happy, she pretends to write a letter to them about Mike (not that they’re married, just that they’re dating), but then doesn’t mail it. She also promises that they will drive to Sweet Valley and tell them about the marriage in person later. Because good marriages should be founded on a bed of lies.
Nina tells Liz she’s staying at SVU. Nina sees Peter and she and Liz follow him into the Snack Bar (maybe I’ll have a frosted doughnut instead...) to see if it was his voice she heard during the attack. It is. Also, Bryan’s name is mysteriously spelled “Brian” in this passage.” Go-go Sweet Valley Continuity, Go!
Izzy tells Jessica about her failed attempts to lure Tom into a relationship. She says he might not be “interested in women.” She must’ve heard about the Oscar Wilde reference. The topic of conversation turns to Mike. Izzy wants to know if Mike will be at the Parents’ Day dance with Jess (of course there’s a freaking dance! It’s Sweet Valley). Jessica lies and says he has to work all day. Izzy spots the lie but assumes it’s because Mike hates William White. She thinks Willie is a creep too. Izzy is smart, ya’ll. Just then Tom and Celine enter the snack bar together. Izzy quips that means he’s interested in witches, not women. Hee.
Celine is happy she seems to have caught Tom’s eye. He isn’t her type but she enjoys annoying Elizabeth. Double hee. Peter accosts her and demands to know why she was seen with Tom when she’s supposed to be dating him. Celine thinks jealousy is fun, fun. She lies and says she’s just trying to find out what Tom is up to. You know, for Peter’s sake. He believes this because he’s stupid.
William cancels his date with Liz that evening (as he has an obviously fake thing to attend to). When they’re talking she mentions that Jessica is now living with Mike. He tells her to tell her parents right away. Liz says no she’s going to wait until they come on Saturday. It’s really sad that the crazy, racist cult leader is giving the best advice here.
Danny and Izzy go get ice cream (I might have two doughnuts...) and talk about the Tom/Celine development. Danny doesn’t believe Tom is interested in Celine at all, since she’s not his type. They’re talking about the Marx brothers when Izzy hears a funny noise up ahead. There are footsteps and someone moans. She gets a flashlight from her purse (Izzy is prepared!) and they search the bushes. They find Tom, beaten and bruised, lying on the ground. Two guys beat him up.
Chapter Eight! We’re moving right along now.
Todd has breakfast with Alex (Christ! Maybe three doughnuts...). She and Mark had another fight. They talk about not looking forward to Parents’ Weekend. Then the subject turns to Liz, and they both look at Liz, who is with Danny, sort of longingly.
Tom wakes up in his dorm room sore. There’s a knock on the door. It’s Liz; she just found out from Danny that Tom was attacked. Liz is very nosey about the attack, wanting to know if he knew the two guys and why she wasn’t instantly informed. Liz likes to know everyone’s business. Tom slyly asks why Celine didn’t tell her and Liz is like, “What with the who?” Tom lies and says that Celine is going to help him with the story because she’s got connections to Peter. When Liz says she can’t work with Celine because she hates Celine, Tom is like “I guess you’re off the story.” It’s all lies; he just wanted to keep her from being beaten up too.
Meanwhile, Winston’s dignity is sacrificed for “amusement.” He is moping because of Parents’ Weekend. He told his father he had a girlfriend, because when his father found out he lived in a girls’ dorm, he thought Winston was gay. But Winston does not have a girlfriend and now they want to meet her. But Winston didn’t tell them he was dating just any girl, he told them he was dating Denise. So he has to ask Denise to pretend to be his girlfriend. Poor Winston. He gets no respect from the ghost writers.
Elizabeth and Jessica fight. Liz wants to know why she thought she could get away with moving in with a guy and not telling anyone. Maybe because she did get away with it for a month before you noticed, Liz? I’m just guessing. Jessica says she can’t talk now because she has to get home and cook dinner for Mike. Then she lies and says Liz doesn’t have to worry about Parents’ Weekend because Mike doesn’t want to meet her parents. She drives away.
Grace Harper has gone ahead and arranged for Nina to take her midterms early and finish up the semester at home. Nina isn’t amused. She tells her mom she plans to stay at SVU. Grace says she’s still suffering from “shock” after the attack. Um, I’m not a psychologist or anything but wouldn’t she react the other way in that case? But eventually Grace relents and says Nina sounds like she did at that age. Holy manufactured conclusion to drama, Batman.
Then Nina and Liz go to visit Bryan in the hospital. Liz confides in Nina that she’s not really off the secret society story, like Tom hopes. She’s going to go it alone now. When they get to the hospital, Grace is there yukking it up with Bryan. Weird. Suddenly she’s a fun mom?
Chapter Nine. The final chapter! We’ve nearly made it, you guys.
Mike and Jessica wake up. She stupidly agrees to bring him lunch (maybe four doughnuts?) even though it’s Saturday and she is supposed to have lunch with her parents. Oops!
Liz is meanwhile grumpy about Celine and Tom. She’s jealous but she’s too stupid to realize it. Celine wakes up and mocks Liz’s outfit. Liz asks when Celine’s parents are arriving and Celine says her parents wouldn’t be caught dead at something as corny as Parents’ Weekend. Ha! But I would like to meet her Granny. That’d be an awesome visit.
Isabella has made her apartment look like a mess so the Wakefields will think Jessica lives there. They go through the song of dance of pretending Jess goes to college still. Izzy shoots a look at Liz like, “Holy shit, this is fucked up.”
Then the Wakefields go to Liz’s dorm and meet Celine. Celine amuses herself by putting on the Southern charm and pretending she likes Liz. She asks if they’ve met William White yet. The Wakefields had not, until this moment, known about William which I find amusing. Liz is throwing stones at Jessica for not telling the ‘rents about Mike (she doesn’t know they’re married, remember), yet she’s living in the glass house of “I don’t have a boyfriend either.” What a hypocrite.
At lunch (doughnuts!), Jessica purposefully spills grape juice on herself so she has to “go change.” So Liz is alone with her parents at lunch when William shows up. Ned and Alice think he’s too “sophisticated” and Ned hilariously asks, “Whatever happened to Todd?” when William is striding over. Liz is the only one who doesn’t immediately dislike the crazy, racist cult leader. What’s that say about her?
Jessica has lunch (doughnuts! doughnuts!) with Mike. She watches the clock the whole time. Mike suggests they have teh sex there in the garage (unsanitary!) but Jessica has to be back at SVU in half an hour and fears she doesn’t have enough time. I wouldn’t think it would take that long... Unless we’ve discovered the reason Jessica married Mike even though she clearly is ashamed of him.
The Wakefields grow suspicious when Jessica is late to meet them at the library. Alice asks Ned go look for her at her dorm, but Liz know she’s not there. Instead she suggests she show her parents the WSVU station. Ned says he’s never seen a TV station before, which I say is lies. Hasn’t Jessica been on TV like a bazillion times? Of course, they run into Tom when they’re there. The Wakefields like Tom a lot and they get along really well until Alice asks after Tom’s parents. (Way to put your foot in it, Alice, they be dead!)
Because she didn’t show up at the library, the Wakefields force Jessica to have dinner (doughnuts! doughnuts! doughnuts!) with them even though she told them she had a date. Jessica starts to cry, not knowing how Mike will react. They drive to the apartment complex to pick up Steven and Billie the Girl and Jessica frets that they’ll run into Mike there. As they exit the parking lot, Mike drives up in his Corvette. He spots Jessica.
When she arrives back at the apartment, Mike is sitting in the dark, pissed (in two senses of the word). He says she is ashamed of him, that she thinks the Wakefields won’t approve of him just like Steven doesn’t. Jessica insists she doesn’t care what Steven or her parents think but Mike says that’s not true or she would have told him. All of this is true, I’d be on Mike’s side here if not for what happens next.
He grabs her by the shoulders and says, and I’m quoting now:
“I want you to hurt the way you’re hurting me, Jessica. That’s what I want. I want you to beg me for mercy.”
He shoves her against the wall and tells her to lock herself in the bathroom before he “does something he’ll regret.”
The rest of the Wakefield clan is at the Parents’ Day dance. Liz is preoccupied with worry about Mike McAllery. For some reason, she starts thinking about how Tom described the leader of the secret society (earlier she had suggested Peter was the leader and Tom said he was too dumb, that the leader would have no ties to the Sigmas, etc). She convinces herself Mike is the leader of the secret society, which is just crazy talk. He doesn’t even go to the school.
Tom is upset about his parents being dead and all. He refuses to go out with Izzy and Danny for pizza. Instead he sits in the dark. Liz comes and knocks on his door to tell him her big “discovery” about Mike. Tom doesn’t answer the door. He might intuitively know she’s an idiot. I'm starting to think I was wrong about him being Spider-man though. With his parents dead, liking the dark and leaping pits, he might be the Batman.
Liz drives to the apartment complex alone (way to totally abandon your parents at the dance, Liz) to “confront Mike.” She finds the door wide open and the furniture destroyed. Jessica is in the bedroom (which I can’t help noticing is not the bathroom where she was supposed to be to stay safe), crying. Liz tells her to get her stuff, they’re leaving. But Jessica says she can’t leave. She holds out her left hand and says she married him.
Wait, she wore her wedding ring all this time and no one noticed?! It’s not just Liz, they’re all fucking idiots.
That's it. Happy New Year everyone. In 2008, resolve not to date violent, alcoholic mechanics or racist cult leaders. In fact, when a guy asks you out you should think "Would a Wakefield Twin date this person?" and if the answer is "yes" then you should say "no."
This is the fourth book in the SVU series. I have recapped #1: College Girls and #6: The Love of Her Life already. Why don’t I do them in order if I have the first eight, you ask? To this I say, bah! Stop asking stupid questions and check out the awesome flannel shirt Mike is sporting on the cover. Oh flannel, you were so hot in 1994. I also love how Nina is trying to pretend she doesn’t know these people. Wise move, Nina. They crazy!
Jessica is riding on the back of Mike’s motorcycle. Wouldn’t it be awesome if he had one of those shirts that said “If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off”? Anyway, did you know Jessica had blonde hair? And sea-green eyes? I bet you didn’t. This is all new information! Jessica also exposits that she’s been living with Mike McAllery for a month now, and he gets mad whenever she wants to go out with someone else (because she should only hang out with him now) yet she often cries her self to sleep at night (alone) and finds him passed out drunk on the sofa, smelling of perfume. Their relationship is completely fair and balanced. Just like Fox News!
Mike pulls the motorcycle into a “shabby” diner’s parking lot. He lifts Jess off the bike, and refuses to put her down saying he’ll “never” let her go. That’s not creepy or ominous at all! Jess isn’t freaked out though, she’s touched. She loves Mike and tells him so. Then he asks her to marry him. In a shabby diner’s parking lot! Just like every girl dreams! Jessica is so lucky!
Steven whines to Billie that Mike and Jessica have nothing in common. He can’t believe Jessica is trying to settle down and says the guys used to call her Jessica “Good Time” Wakefield. (Yet she looked down on poor Annie.) Steven reminds Billie that Parents’ Weekend at SVU is coming up, and he doesn’t know how Jessica is going to hide Mike from Ned and Alice. He apparently doesn’t know Ned and Alice never get involved in their children’s lives. Steven complains some more about Mike saying he is a “criminal” which Billie says he has no proof of. Steven doesn’t care! Like the SV police, he doesn’t need no stinkin’ evidence.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth goes to visit Nina Harper in the hospital. Nina has been in the hospital since a racist secret society attacked her and her boyfriend, Bryan Nelson. Bryan is still in intensive care. But don’t worry about him; he’ll live to be kind of a douche, next semester. Nina wakes up and makes jokes. I love Nina. Then she says she’s leaving SVU to transfer to a school where she won’t be beaten up for walking when black, as you might consider when you’ve been attacked by a racist secret society. Liz is shocked! She doesn’t want to lose Nina. I don’t want to lose Nina either.
Liz tells Nina not to leave because she plans on exposing the secret society on WSVU. (Which, I’m sure will go real well.) Liz thinks it’s the Sigmas, who harassed Jessica after she briefly dated black!Danny Wyatt, and she’s going to get Tom to help her with the story. Nina is like, “That’s nice, Liz, but it doesn’t mean I want to stay.” You mean Liz’s mad journalism skills don’t make you want to stay at a school where you could be killed?!? That is so... completely rational.
Todd Wilkins plays basketball with his girlfriend, Lauren Hill. But he can’t concentrate because there’s going to be a hearing about SVU athletes getting special treatment (which Liz and Tom’s news story caused). She can’t understand why he’s worried. She’s not that bright. Compared to Todd. Think about that.
Lauren says if anything bad happens it’s all Liz’s fault. And in Lauren’s defense, if my boyfriend’s ex ran a story that made him possibly lose his scholarship just after they broke up, I would think the same thing. But because it’s Saint Elizabeth of Sweet Valley, who has her mad journalistic integrity, the ghost writer wants us to Lauren is a jealous bitch who lets boys touch her naughty bits. Nasty Laurenses. We hates her. Tricksey cruel and false.
Enid “Alex” Rollins and her boyfriend, Mark Gathers, have a fight. She thinks everything was perfect until Liz aired that stupid story. Apparently Liz wanted to get "even" with Alex for not being her friend anymore. Okay, that one is a reach. Liz is supposed to keep track of who Alex’s boyfriend is even though they don’t speak anymore? And then she’s supposed to know, through some psychic twin power no doubt, that he will turn into a dick as soon as he stops playing ball? Whatever. Alex was so much smarter when she was Enid. Does she not remember about Todd?
William White shows up at Dickenson Hall looking for Liz, who isn’t there. But guess who is? My girl Celine. William and Celine exchange banter. Is it wrong that I want him to give up this Liz obsession and have snarky, racist babies with Celine? Okay, maybe it is wrong, what with the racism and all. But you gotta admit, it’d be more fun than the William turns out to be batshit insane and turns up every few books to stalk Liz plotline Francine went with. Anyway, William and Liz had a date, but Liz is at Nina’s bedside. William wasn’t aware Liz had black friends. He doesn’t approve. Not the black people!
Elsewhere on campus, Danny Watt (who is also guilty of being black) rags on Tom Watts. Tom is thinking of quitting the Wakefield-Watts journalism duo because he is so in love with Liz. But she's going out with racist William. (Her serial monogamy gets confusing.) Later, Tom goes to WSVU and thinks about Liz some more. Boy is obsessed. But he is jolted back to reality when he discovers a threatening note left for him. It tells him not to dig into Bryan Nelson’s attack and is signed with the broken star emblem (which we know is the racist secret society logo since we’ve read ahead. Aren’t you glad I skipped now?) Tom had conveniently forgotten about the secret society he once joined. Oops!
Crap. That was only chapter one. I better pick up the pace or we’ll be here all day.
Okay, um, Danny meets Isabella at the coffee house. Danny likes Izzy. Sadly, Izzy likes Tom. And Tom likes Liz. See the problem? Izzy wants help asking Tom out. Danny tells her that he and Tom are going for pizza on Tuesday; she should be there. Oh that’s too complicated, just get kidnapped by a cult leader! He’ll leap over pits for you!
Tom is at the station deciding what will go on the air in upcoming broadcasts. He thinks, regarding the suggestion they run a profile on Parents’ Day: “What could be fluffier than a profile of Parent’s Day? he wondered. He was supposed to be running a […] news program, not a community bulletin board.” I wish Tom ran the major networks. They’d love a nice profile on Parents’ Day. Liz comes in and suggests a piece on racism on campus. Tom says no because it’s “too dangerous,” although this is just a lie it ends up being sort of true. Liz angrily declares that if he won’t help her, she’ll do it alone.
Winston is depressed. He nearly died in the fraternity hazing (another scandal Tom and Liz reported on). Denise comes and wants to know what is wrong. He says he’s sulking because now that he won’t be a Sigma he’ll never be a Big Man on Campus. Oh, whatever. Denise awesomely tells him that’s stupid (it is!) and makes him come with her to shoot pool. Denise is okay too.
Elizabeth, because she’s oblivious, complains to William about how Tom won’t help her with the racism story. Little does she know, no one could be more pleased by this fact than William. Seriously, she’d get more sympathy out of a wall. William suggests he just wanted to throw her off the story because he’s jealous. (Of her mad journalism skills? Ha!)
While the racist is putting the moves on Liz, her friend Nina is still in the hospital. Nina's parents phone her (they’re out of the country, naturally). Her mother says she’s coming to take her home as soon as she can. Don’t go, Nina! With Lila still married to the Count, I have no one to look up to!
Except maybe Celine, who has spent the evening smoking and going through Liz’s things. She is not impressed with Liz’s writing on the racist incidents on campus. Celine would vote no in the Liz the Bard poll.
Jessica imagines her perfect wedding. ...And then she comes back to reality, in which she’s marrying Mike in the “Forever After Chapel.” It’s a classy joint, they give Jessica a bouquet of fake roses and suggest one of the many cats lying around be her maid of honor. (Somewhere in Italy, Lila is pissed.) So they get married in their jeans and t-shirts. Those jean and t-shirt weddings always last, don’t they? Just ask Britney’s first husband!
Chapter three! I’m getting less verbose! Aren’t you proud?
Jessica and Mike are celebrating their marriage at a diner. Also classy. Mike puts money in the jukebox and makes Jessica dance with him to Elvis songs. The waitresses are so moved they give them their cheeseburgers free! And Jessica mocked Steven as wanting a cookout wedding in Inferno(!). Who is having burgers at their reception, Jessica? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not Steven.
Nina’s mom, Grace, visits her in the hospital. Her mother is predictably annoying and overbearing. A nurse comes with news that Bryan is out of intensive care and Nina can visit him, but Grace tells Nina he’s a radical and she should never see him again. Holy manufactured drama, Batman.
Elizabeth has an “epiphany” at the library. She realizes it wasn’t the Sigmas who attacked Bryan and Nina, but rather the secret society. I actually read this paragraph a couple times looking for the big epiphany only to realize Liz was just that slow. She didn’t connect the secret society to the racism until now. She goes to WSVU to tell Tom but he’s like, “Yeah, duh, thanks for sharing, Captain Obvious.” He still says she can’t do the piece because the secret society might kill her (also true). Liz has a hissy fit, complete with door slamming action, and leaves.
Then Liz goes out with William. She tells him about her second fight with Tom. He says he’s never heard of a SVU secret society (LIES!) and then suggests that Tom knows an awful lot about the society. The logic here is so clearly faulty I don’t know what to say; he goes from “it probably isn’t real” to “Tom is in the society” in like five sentences. And she totally doesn’t call him on his shit. The theme of this recap is Liz = not too bright.
Danny and Izzy wait for Tom at the pizza place but he never shows. Izzy realizes she doesn’t really care about Tom and the two of them head off to a different pizza place that Izzy says has better toppings. I love Isabella right here. She’s like “I have a crush on a guy, but he’s too much effort so forget about it.” If she sat around being emo and lovesick I would have to dock her some serious cool points but she doesn’t. Jessica picks awesome friends.
Celine has a date with Peter Wilbourne III. She thinks he’s a member of the secret society so she tells him about Liz’s story to see what his reaction will be. Peter gets grumpy. Celine is like, “I called it.”
Tom is at WSVU. He is about to head out (late) to get pizza with Danny when he sees Liz with William. Tom has never liked William, though he is not sure why. He wants to tell Liz there is something off about him, but can’t think of a concrete reason besides the fact that the too handsome William reminds him of Dorian Gray. He doesn’t think Liz would accept this justification. I am of three minds (yes, three) about this allusion. On one hand, I’m an English major and I love that Tom knows literature. It makes me love him a bit more. You know Todd Punch never cracked a book. But on the other hand, he gives the title of the novel as “The Portrait of Dorian Gray” and it is technically the “The Picture of Dorian Gray.” Ghost writer gets no biscuit. And thirdly, it brings to mind the Clueless quote: “He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streisand ticket-holder friend of Dorothy. Know what I'm saying?” The reference is a little gay, okay? To prove that point, Tom then goes back to his dorm room and opens the old box containing his secret society ring. If Dorian Gray and Tom are part of the society, and they all have matching jewelry, could it be a racist homosexual secret society, perhaps?
I’ll let you think about that while we move on to chapter four.
One day later, Jessica is already having second thoughts about her marriage. She and Mike pull up at the apartment complex and immediately get in a fight with Steven. Steven calls Mike “trash” and Mike calls him an “uptight android,” which is a way better put down. Jessica doesn’t tell Steven they got married and Mike is upset.
Tom returns to his dorm room and immediately senses something is not right. (He’s Spider-man!) The secret society has broken into his room and left another message. He broods on it for awhile until Danny returns and cheers him up.
At the hospital, Grace Harper is being domineering again while Nina prepares to leave. She sneaks away to see how Bryan is. He jokes that on their third date they’re going to get kidnapped and dropped from a helicopter. You know it’s Sweet Valley when I wonder, “Did that really happen? Because it could.” Bryan is upset to hear Nina intends on leaving SVU. She reads on his cast the words “Don’t Let Ignorance Get You Down” and asks who wrote that. Bryan says his father did. Nina thinks her parents would write “Take the Money and Run.” Hee. Nina is awesome. She promises to return to visit Bryan and thinks about the slogan.
Tom and Danny go out to eat. Tom was hoping to just hang out with Danny and unclench about the letter. But Isabella is at the restaurant. Tom knows she’s into him and doesn’t want to deal with that at that moment, so he bails. Danny calls him stupid. (I only mention that because I love how Danny will call Tom on his shit. They’re like brothers.)
Jessica wakes up with Mike. She mentions that she spent the night “making love” with Mike. Say it with me: OMG TEH SEX!
Meanwhile, Tom shows Liz the message from the racist (and possibly homosexual) secret society. It says “STOP HER OR WE WILL.” Liz, being a complete dumbass, insists that “her” isn’t her. It’s just his other journalism partner poking her nose into the secret society. She’s such an idiot. Then when he says they’re not going to the story, she argues that they can keep at it and no one will know. That’d be a good plan if you didn’t go out each night and tell the leader of the secret society exactly what you did each day. I’m starting to understand why she gets kidnapped so often. Tom is like, “D’oh!”
At school, Jessica spots Izzy, Denise and some Thetas. She tries to tell Isabella that she got married but Alison Quinn keeps talking over her. Alison asks if her parents are coming to the upcoming Parents’ Weekend and Jessica realizes her parents will flip abot her marriage. Isabella says Jessica can move back in with her until Parents’ Weekend and Jessica thinks this is a great idea.
Next (in chapter five!), Jessica cooks Mike breakfast. Mike is apparently very particular about his coffee. He should make it himself then. She tells him about moving back into the dorm and he freaks out. He wants to know if she is ashamed of him. She says she’s just waiting for the right moment to tell her parents she’s married, to which he responds that the right moment was just after the ceremony. He’s kinda got a point there. He threatens her that if she doesn’t tell them soon, he’ll leave. Actually, I think he’ll do something else.
Meanwhile, back at the totally boring plotline, Todd, Alex and Mark have breakfast before their hearing. Mark starts shouting again. Then Winston and Liz come in and of course Winston is friendly. Todd, Mark and Alex are all bitches to Liz.
Later, Liz meets another bitch, Nina’s mother. Grace doesn’t like that Liz is a reporter. She says reporters don’t have friends; they only care about their stories. She doesn’t want Liz doing a piece on Nina. She can’t believe the people Nina hangs out with, dissing both Bryan and Liz in the same sentence. When her mom is out of earshot, Nina tells Liz that the voice of one of the attackers was familiar but she can’t quite place it. Liz says she thought Nina wouldn’t help her with the investigation and Nina says something has changed her mind (then she looks at her mother). Hee.
Celine goes through Liz’s notes. Liz catches her. They fight. Celine is amusing, except she’s happy Nina is leaving which isn’t cool. Nina is awesome! Liz leaves (more dorm slamming action) and Celine “accidentally” spills nail polish on Liz’s bed. Oops!
That night, Liz goes out with William again. They have a picnic on the beach. Willie starts kissing her “passionately” and Liz pulls away, because she’s a tease. Liz then lies and says she has work to do for WSVU and has to leave. She had decided not to tell “anyone” about the racism piece, but decides William doesn’t count (*headdesk*) and tells him she hasn’t given up on it. Between leaving her notebook around for Celine to read and just telling William everything, Liz sure is keeping this story a secret!
Jessica and Mike fought “all day.” But then they made up and went to the damn diner again. Jessica sees Liz and William and wants to go say hi. Mike goes cold. He doesn’t like William at all and won’t speak to him. Mike wants to know what Liz is doing with William when Mike already warned Jessica about Willie (this I don’t remember). Jessica is like, “Oh I didn’t know you were serious about that.” HEAD FREAKING DESK.
Chapter six: Nina and Liz have breakfast sans Grace who is meeting with the dean. They talk about what it’s like not to have parents around. You would think Liz knew about this since kindergarten. Then they move to talking about the secret society. It’s kinda a dull scene. I expect more from you, Nina.
Winston and Todd have lunch. What’s with all the eating scenes in this book? It’s making me hungry.
Danny and Izzy meet at the coffeehouse (see?) and discuss Tom. She starts to realize she likes Danny better.
Jessica happens to be working at the coffeehouse at that time. Technically she has a job there, but she only ever works like once a week it seems. Jess is irritated that the Thetas are there talking about frivolous things when she has to work. Izzy comes over and asks when Jessica is moving in again. Jessica replies that she “can’t” move back with Izzy and will only be there for Parents’ Weekend. Izzy asks what kind of hold over her “that creep” has that she is not allowed to leave the apartment. Jessica still hasn’t told her (or anyone else for that matter) that she married that creep.
Winston helps Liz with her investigation into Peter Wilbourne. Winston is nice. It’s sad that he’s always such an afterthought in these books. Liz then heads over to see Steven and Billie the Girl. She thinks about how Jessica didn’t come speak to her and William the previous evening. William likes Mike about as much as Mike likes William. He thought Jess didn’t come over because she was embarrassed to be seen with Mike, which isn’t that far off the mark, I would say. When Liz arrives at the apartment complex, she sees Mike, who is happy to see her. He thinks she came to see Jessica. Liz is confused. She didn’t know Jess even lived there. They are crappy sisters. I wouldn’t move without telling my sister.
Later, Steven admits he didn’t tell Liz about Jessica living with Mike because he didn’t want her to worry (what?). Boy, these Wakefield kids sure do an awful lot of not talking about stuff when it is convenient for the plot!
Tom takes a break from WSVU and goes to get a snack (I am so hungry!). He thinks the people at the snack bar are too happy. I guess we’re supposed to think he’s grouchy now, but I often feel this way about other others. I hate going out and people are laughing a lot, it distracts me from my daily anti-social people hating and solitary reading. Anyway, Tom has received yet another threatening note from the racist secret society. They sure do a lot of note passing in this secret society. It’s like study hall or something. At the snack bar, Tom sees Celine and Peter. After some emo thought process, in which he overhears girls talking about Parents’ Weekend and wondering what his father would’ve told him to do in this situation, Tom decides to start investigating. He smiles at Celine, knowing he can get information out of her.
Jessica comes home to find Mike sitting in silence (a warning sign, he usually turns on music.) He’s clearly pissed off. When she goes to take a bath, he grabs her and “wrenches” her arm. Jessica is afraid he’s going to hit her. Mike tells her that he saw Elizabeth and she knew nothing about the wedding. Mike has told everyone he knows he got married; he was so happy. But Jessica has not even told her twin. He kicks the coffee table, shattering the glass. He demands to know why she hasn’t told her parents either, and throws a coffee mug at the wall. She says she’s afraid they’ll “break them up” and cries. Mike says no one will ever break them up and cries too.
Chapter seven! Nina visits Bryan in the hospital; she brought him doughnuts (now I want a doughnut. A jelly one.) Apparently, the Dean had nothing but nice things to say about Bryan and now Grace Harper wants to meet him because he’s a straight A student. Those B students aren’t worth her time, I guess. Nina has decided she wants to stay at SVU for good. Bryan and I are relieved.
Jessica tries to figure out how she’s going to keep Mike away from her parents during Parents’ Weekend. To keep Mike happy, she pretends to write a letter to them about Mike (not that they’re married, just that they’re dating), but then doesn’t mail it. She also promises that they will drive to Sweet Valley and tell them about the marriage in person later. Because good marriages should be founded on a bed of lies.
Nina tells Liz she’s staying at SVU. Nina sees Peter and she and Liz follow him into the Snack Bar (maybe I’ll have a frosted doughnut instead...) to see if it was his voice she heard during the attack. It is. Also, Bryan’s name is mysteriously spelled “Brian” in this passage.” Go-go Sweet Valley Continuity, Go!
Izzy tells Jessica about her failed attempts to lure Tom into a relationship. She says he might not be “interested in women.” She must’ve heard about the Oscar Wilde reference. The topic of conversation turns to Mike. Izzy wants to know if Mike will be at the Parents’ Day dance with Jess (of course there’s a freaking dance! It’s Sweet Valley). Jessica lies and says he has to work all day. Izzy spots the lie but assumes it’s because Mike hates William White. She thinks Willie is a creep too. Izzy is smart, ya’ll. Just then Tom and Celine enter the snack bar together. Izzy quips that means he’s interested in witches, not women. Hee.
Celine is happy she seems to have caught Tom’s eye. He isn’t her type but she enjoys annoying Elizabeth. Double hee. Peter accosts her and demands to know why she was seen with Tom when she’s supposed to be dating him. Celine thinks jealousy is fun, fun. She lies and says she’s just trying to find out what Tom is up to. You know, for Peter’s sake. He believes this because he’s stupid.
William cancels his date with Liz that evening (as he has an obviously fake thing to attend to). When they’re talking she mentions that Jessica is now living with Mike. He tells her to tell her parents right away. Liz says no she’s going to wait until they come on Saturday. It’s really sad that the crazy, racist cult leader is giving the best advice here.
Danny and Izzy go get ice cream (I might have two doughnuts...) and talk about the Tom/Celine development. Danny doesn’t believe Tom is interested in Celine at all, since she’s not his type. They’re talking about the Marx brothers when Izzy hears a funny noise up ahead. There are footsteps and someone moans. She gets a flashlight from her purse (Izzy is prepared!) and they search the bushes. They find Tom, beaten and bruised, lying on the ground. Two guys beat him up.
Chapter Eight! We’re moving right along now.
Todd has breakfast with Alex (Christ! Maybe three doughnuts...). She and Mark had another fight. They talk about not looking forward to Parents’ Weekend. Then the subject turns to Liz, and they both look at Liz, who is with Danny, sort of longingly.
Tom wakes up in his dorm room sore. There’s a knock on the door. It’s Liz; she just found out from Danny that Tom was attacked. Liz is very nosey about the attack, wanting to know if he knew the two guys and why she wasn’t instantly informed. Liz likes to know everyone’s business. Tom slyly asks why Celine didn’t tell her and Liz is like, “What with the who?” Tom lies and says that Celine is going to help him with the story because she’s got connections to Peter. When Liz says she can’t work with Celine because she hates Celine, Tom is like “I guess you’re off the story.” It’s all lies; he just wanted to keep her from being beaten up too.
Meanwhile, Winston’s dignity is sacrificed for “amusement.” He is moping because of Parents’ Weekend. He told his father he had a girlfriend, because when his father found out he lived in a girls’ dorm, he thought Winston was gay. But Winston does not have a girlfriend and now they want to meet her. But Winston didn’t tell them he was dating just any girl, he told them he was dating Denise. So he has to ask Denise to pretend to be his girlfriend. Poor Winston. He gets no respect from the ghost writers.
Elizabeth and Jessica fight. Liz wants to know why she thought she could get away with moving in with a guy and not telling anyone. Maybe because she did get away with it for a month before you noticed, Liz? I’m just guessing. Jessica says she can’t talk now because she has to get home and cook dinner for Mike. Then she lies and says Liz doesn’t have to worry about Parents’ Weekend because Mike doesn’t want to meet her parents. She drives away.
Grace Harper has gone ahead and arranged for Nina to take her midterms early and finish up the semester at home. Nina isn’t amused. She tells her mom she plans to stay at SVU. Grace says she’s still suffering from “shock” after the attack. Um, I’m not a psychologist or anything but wouldn’t she react the other way in that case? But eventually Grace relents and says Nina sounds like she did at that age. Holy manufactured conclusion to drama, Batman.
Then Nina and Liz go to visit Bryan in the hospital. Liz confides in Nina that she’s not really off the secret society story, like Tom hopes. She’s going to go it alone now. When they get to the hospital, Grace is there yukking it up with Bryan. Weird. Suddenly she’s a fun mom?
Chapter Nine. The final chapter! We’ve nearly made it, you guys.
Mike and Jessica wake up. She stupidly agrees to bring him lunch (maybe four doughnuts?) even though it’s Saturday and she is supposed to have lunch with her parents. Oops!
Liz is meanwhile grumpy about Celine and Tom. She’s jealous but she’s too stupid to realize it. Celine wakes up and mocks Liz’s outfit. Liz asks when Celine’s parents are arriving and Celine says her parents wouldn’t be caught dead at something as corny as Parents’ Weekend. Ha! But I would like to meet her Granny. That’d be an awesome visit.
Isabella has made her apartment look like a mess so the Wakefields will think Jessica lives there. They go through the song of dance of pretending Jess goes to college still. Izzy shoots a look at Liz like, “Holy shit, this is fucked up.”
Then the Wakefields go to Liz’s dorm and meet Celine. Celine amuses herself by putting on the Southern charm and pretending she likes Liz. She asks if they’ve met William White yet. The Wakefields had not, until this moment, known about William which I find amusing. Liz is throwing stones at Jessica for not telling the ‘rents about Mike (she doesn’t know they’re married, remember), yet she’s living in the glass house of “I don’t have a boyfriend either.” What a hypocrite.
At lunch (doughnuts!), Jessica purposefully spills grape juice on herself so she has to “go change.” So Liz is alone with her parents at lunch when William shows up. Ned and Alice think he’s too “sophisticated” and Ned hilariously asks, “Whatever happened to Todd?” when William is striding over. Liz is the only one who doesn’t immediately dislike the crazy, racist cult leader. What’s that say about her?
Jessica has lunch (doughnuts! doughnuts!) with Mike. She watches the clock the whole time. Mike suggests they have teh sex there in the garage (unsanitary!) but Jessica has to be back at SVU in half an hour and fears she doesn’t have enough time. I wouldn’t think it would take that long... Unless we’ve discovered the reason Jessica married Mike even though she clearly is ashamed of him.
The Wakefields grow suspicious when Jessica is late to meet them at the library. Alice asks Ned go look for her at her dorm, but Liz know she’s not there. Instead she suggests she show her parents the WSVU station. Ned says he’s never seen a TV station before, which I say is lies. Hasn’t Jessica been on TV like a bazillion times? Of course, they run into Tom when they’re there. The Wakefields like Tom a lot and they get along really well until Alice asks after Tom’s parents. (Way to put your foot in it, Alice, they be dead!)
Because she didn’t show up at the library, the Wakefields force Jessica to have dinner (doughnuts! doughnuts! doughnuts!) with them even though she told them she had a date. Jessica starts to cry, not knowing how Mike will react. They drive to the apartment complex to pick up Steven and Billie the Girl and Jessica frets that they’ll run into Mike there. As they exit the parking lot, Mike drives up in his Corvette. He spots Jessica.
When she arrives back at the apartment, Mike is sitting in the dark, pissed (in two senses of the word). He says she is ashamed of him, that she thinks the Wakefields won’t approve of him just like Steven doesn’t. Jessica insists she doesn’t care what Steven or her parents think but Mike says that’s not true or she would have told him. All of this is true, I’d be on Mike’s side here if not for what happens next.
He grabs her by the shoulders and says, and I’m quoting now:
“I want you to hurt the way you’re hurting me, Jessica. That’s what I want. I want you to beg me for mercy.”
He shoves her against the wall and tells her to lock herself in the bathroom before he “does something he’ll regret.”
The rest of the Wakefield clan is at the Parents’ Day dance. Liz is preoccupied with worry about Mike McAllery. For some reason, she starts thinking about how Tom described the leader of the secret society (earlier she had suggested Peter was the leader and Tom said he was too dumb, that the leader would have no ties to the Sigmas, etc). She convinces herself Mike is the leader of the secret society, which is just crazy talk. He doesn’t even go to the school.
Tom is upset about his parents being dead and all. He refuses to go out with Izzy and Danny for pizza. Instead he sits in the dark. Liz comes and knocks on his door to tell him her big “discovery” about Mike. Tom doesn’t answer the door. He might intuitively know she’s an idiot. I'm starting to think I was wrong about him being Spider-man though. With his parents dead, liking the dark and leaping pits, he might be the Batman.
Liz drives to the apartment complex alone (way to totally abandon your parents at the dance, Liz) to “confront Mike.” She finds the door wide open and the furniture destroyed. Jessica is in the bedroom (which I can’t help noticing is not the bathroom where she was supposed to be to stay safe), crying. Liz tells her to get her stuff, they’re leaving. But Jessica says she can’t leave. She holds out her left hand and says she married him.
Wait, she wore her wedding ring all this time and no one noticed?! It’s not just Liz, they’re all fucking idiots.
That's it. Happy New Year everyone. In 2008, resolve not to date violent, alcoholic mechanics or racist cult leaders. In fact, when a guy asks you out you should think "Would a Wakefield Twin date this person?" and if the answer is "yes" then you should say "no."