SVH Super Edition #9 - Mystery Date (or, the one where Ken and Olivia get together)

[dirtywingsgirl]

Raise your hands if you are unsurprised that Sweet Valley High has a book with the cheesy title of “Mystery Date”…

This book is friggin’ awesome. There’s a suicide attempt (!), Jessica dates two guys at the same time (literally), weird couples get together, all the cliques in the school fight, unlikely people talk to each other, and characters who haven’t gotten a mention for eons make cameos. It’s excellent. Let’s get into it.

'Olivia' actually looks really pretty on that cover.

Heh, does anyone remember how in the first few books they called Ken ‘Kenny’? I know it happens, I can’t remember in which exact book it is though. Ok, onwards...

We begin at a school dance in the Sweet Valley High gym. It’s never really mentioned what occasion merits this dance, but it’s SVH - do they need a reason? Elizabeth gets dragged onto the dance floor by Todd to the strains of ‘California Girls’, with him insisting “We can’t not dance to this tune! They wrote this song about you, Liz, you have an obligation!” Uh, yeah, gag me. This leads us smoothly into a page-two stock description of blond hair and perfect eyes as wavy and fish-filled (I mean, blue-green) as the Pacific Ocean. Jessica is dancing with Danny Porter (he of the heartbreakingly blue eyes), who keeps getting cut in on by Bryce Fisherman (in case you don’t know, these two are SVH football players who get random and sporadic mentions throughout the SVH series).

Jessica makes fun of a ‘depressing folk tune’ the DJ was spinning before. Elizabeth thinks to herself that while she likes the Beach Boys, the ‘depressing folk tune’ was one of her favourite songs (it would be. Is depressing folk music really appropriate for a dance?). Jessica points out that all the ‘cool kids’ (ie. all the jocks) are on the dance floor now. In an enlightening switch to Jess’ point of view, we learn that she is equally interested in Bryce and Danny - as friends only - but she is loving the attention and gets a major rush from two guys fighting over her. So. Ci. O. Path!

Jan Brown ( remember her?) and the burnouts (Justin Belson, Nicky Shepard - oh he came back?) start jeering things like “Bubblegum pop!” and “Put on something that won’t give us diabetes!” from the bleachers. I gotta say, I can see where they’re coming from about the music, but why are burnouts at a school dance? Is this a compulsory dance? Because I don’t see why they would be there if it’s not. Don’t they have a cocaine party to go to somewhere?

People start disagreeing about the music that’s being played. All the jocks vote for Beach Boys, but Dana Larson (Droidy McSex singer) wants rap or punk, and asks for something by a band called Nose Ring, while Olivia Davidson wants to hear some Colleen Dunstan (an Irish folk singer). Todd calls Colleen Dunstan ‘female complaint rock’. Shut up Todd! Get back with Jeffrey, Elizabeth. He would never use insulting anti-feminist slurs like that. If he did, he would at least make them witty.

Elizabeth calls the lyrics of “Barbara Ann” ‘shallow’. Ok, they are, but it’s a PARTY. The music isn’t really meant to be deep. Everyone CHILL OUT. No one does, though. The tension mounts up.

Switch to Olivia’s POV. She feels weird and out of place in her layered, hand-painted indigo and violet dress made by women in underdeveloped countries (no, seriously, the book says that). She watches as the jocks try to wrap their minds around the rap music that’s playing. Um. I suppose this was 1998, but isn’t rap like, the ‘cool’ music to listen to now? How could jocks have called it “Urban commando crap” (Bruce)? At my high school, the ‘cool’ popular guys would have considered rap awesome and the Beach Boys too wussy for words. America confuses me.

Tad “Blubber” Johnson (a 240 pound linebacker) starts shouting “Beach Boys! Beach Boys!” Everyone starts arguing over which music sucks and which doesn’t. Justin wants to hear the latest from 'Loaded Chain Saw'.  At a school dance? Is he high? Answer: probably.  Justin tells Blubber that the jocks may act tough, but they listen to wuss music. Jan calls Blubber a dumb jock. So Blubber punches Justin (who is like, half his size) in the stomach.Claire Middleton holds Bruce Patman back from joining in the fight. Man, she really is awesome isn't she?

Seeing the punch, Elizabeth "felt as if the wind had been knocked out of her" and has to stagger against Todd for support. Oh, effing please! Sympathy pains? She really does have delusions of sainthood. The dance gets called to a close and the Coach has an Angry Talk with Blubber.

At home in her room, Olivia thinks to herself that while it's sad the dance ended in violence, she's glad she got to go home early - she just didn't fit in there. I must again ask the question: is this dance compulsory, or are the kids at SVH just stupid? Olivia logs onto her favourite online chatroom, Virtual Hangout (VHO). Her screen name is Freeverse, because she likes poetry. Pff. I like potater chips, but you don’t see my screen name being ‘potatogirl101’. Okay, that was a lame attempt at a joke. Anyway. Olivia likes being online because everyone is free to be themselves and there's no pretending. ELL. OH. ELL. Watch out Olivia :( With that kind of naivete, you could agree to meet some cool arty gal pal - who turns out to be John Pfeifer in real life.

Meanwhile, we switch to Ken's point of view. All the jocks have moved the dance to his house. He watches Jessica flirt with Danny and Bryce and feels a twinge of some kind of emotion...not jealousy (he's finally over that cheating debacle), but just a hollowness. He realises he feels weird looking at all the happy couples. Omgz, Ken the tough quarterback wants a romance! Lolzorz roflcopfter omfg. He thinks about how he should be attracted to fun, popular girls like Lila, but he wants someone different. (Someone like Olivia? I mean…) All the jocks start talking about the different cliques at school. They lump the 'artsy fartsy types' and 'hippies' in with the burnouts. They tease Jessica over having dated a major hippie named Keith Wagner.  They pay him out because he won’t wear leather or eat meat. Jeez, this is Southern California! Isn't that every second person over there?

Bruce says Todd is 'dating out of his class' with Elizabeth (because she isn't a jock). Lol! Hasn't Bruce dated Elizabeth twice himself? Everyone talks about how Justin 'got what he deserved', but that Tad has been acting weird lately. Amy and Jess launch into a little chant: "Gimme a J, gimme me an O! Gimme a C and a K! Let's hear it for the jocks, hoo-rah-ray!" Oh my god.  Words...fail me.

The next morning, Jessica runs into the aforementioned Keith Wagner hanging with Justin by the school 'smoking ramp', smoking a 'clove cigarette'. This smoking ramp has never been mentioned before, but I assume it's on some sort of grassy knoll. Keith talks in annoying, supposed-to-be-poetic prose: "I saw the best arms of my generation maimed by jocks", Keith announced in a tone of voice that reminded Jessica of someone reciting poetry. Very bad poetry." Haha. One point to Jessica. Keith tells Jess that “Some of us drink from the fountain of knowledge. Blubber gargled”. Despite him blatantly plagiarizing the words of Robert Newton Anthony, I grudgingly award Keith one point too. Jess stands up for Blubber and storms off.

Also in morningland, Ken is checking sports scores online before school. His football team is playing El Carro next, so he wants to see how El Carro did against Compton this weekend (!! zomg, a real town mentioned? Do you think Jess and the cheer squad will face off against the East Compton Clovers’ cheerleading team? “I said brrr! It’s cold in here! There must be some Gladiators in the atmosphere!”…ok I’ll stop). Ken navigates into a Southern California chatroom to ask if anyone knows the El Carro score. ‘Anyone from El Carro here?’ Ken types under his screen name, Quarter. Someone named Freeverse replies ‘A quarter of what?’. Ken types in ‘about a quarter fulfilled’, cuz he’s been feeling emo lately. Olivia/Freeverse types that it isn’t so bad; he can fill the rest with new experiences. Which is just what Ken has been craving. Ooh. Go Kenlivia! They have a chat that Ken evidently finds inspiring, and the ghostwriter labors hilariously to explain all the complex netty jargon: “To boldly go where no one has gone before J”, Ken typed, giving the emoticon for a smiling face. Olivia tells Ken he should try writing poetry; he admits he’s shit at writing. She tells him she’s an artist, then asks about him. He’s about to write how much he loves sports when he omits that minor (major) detail, not wanting to come off shallow. Then he has to cut their convo short to go to school.

Both of them think about each other all day and assume the other is from El Carro (because of Ken asking if anyone was from El Carro).

Enid and Elizabeth boringly dissect what’s happening with Tad and Justin. Tad has early morning detention for the rest of the year, but the burnouts still want revenge against him for what he did to Justin. Meanwhile, the jocks want revenge on the burnouts for…no reason really. As Liz puts it: “It’s gone way past the jocks and the burnouts. Everyone’s involved now. The jocks have signed on the snobs and the student-politico types. The burnouts are bonding with punkers, artists, hippies and brains.” Enid admits that she is probably a brain, but that Elizabeth is harder to categorize (hehe, well, she’s proven on numerous occasions in the past that her status as a brain is questionable). Liz’s two sidekicks (Jess and Todd) are jocks and people have called her a politico before, but her friends are more artists and brains. Whho is sheee? Poooor Lizzeeee…

In the War of the Cliques, the burnouts soon get their revenge. Someone posts Blubber’s English test score is on the lockers for everyone to see. He got a D+. All the burnouts make fun of him for it. Um. Justin. Weren’t you on academic probation not long ago??? Who are you to judge? The mind, it boggles! There’s a big argument in the hallway about it. Jessica intercepts and tells everyone that both sides should cool off and have more school spirit.

That day at lunch, someone has spray painted ‘Die, wimps, hippies, punks and brains!’ on the school cafeteria wall. OK. It doesn’t even include burnouts in that list! Wtf. Amy and Lila are all LOL but Jess is mad. Lila’s worst line ever: “She’s right, Jess,” Lila pointed out. You loathe wimps, hippies, punks and brains. All the cool people hate them!” Way to sound like a sheep, Lila. I think this writer is trying too hard with all the pseudo-Clueless lingo in this book…the words ‘postal’ and ‘parental units’ are used many times, and Jess asks Todd if he’s “totally wiggy”.

Amy gossips that Tad has been seen recently outside the guidance counselor’s office, and that he’s almost on academic probation (ie. Might Not Be Allowed to Play Sports Anymore). Everyone’s like “no! But football is Blubber’s raison d’etre!”. Meanwhile, the words “Cheerleaders have pom-poms for brains” were found scrawled in lipstick on the girls bathroom mirrors. Jessica now finds herself firmly against burnouts, wimps, hippies, punks and brains.

That eve, Olivia spends more time online (hehe, I love that she’s such a geek. Winston must spend all his time in cyberspace too). The ghostwriter squeezes in more net lingo: “flames”, “newbie” (no n00b, though L). Olivia thinks to herself that “die, wimps, hippies, punks and brains” is like the real life version of flaming, which is kinda cute. Liv lets us know that later that day, a smoke bomb had been thrown onto the smoking ramp, someone had placed cards saying “Make peace, not football” into every locker, and someone had spray painted “Fashion Queens = Ice Princesses” on the back of the school wall. Wow. Do these kids ever have time for class between all the slogan thinking up and card printing and graffiti? Who would be the fashion queens, I wonder - Lila and…who? Jessica? Heather Sanford?

Olivia thinks about Quarter. Then Quarter comes online. WOW OTP!!! He wants to get her alone (ooer) so they go into a private chatroom. HOT. Ken gives Olivia a ‘cyberpresent’ - a poppy he picked for her on the way home. Only he doesn’t know it’s called a poppy, so he spends about half a page describing it to her. He comes off all poetic, and she’s totally wooed.

In the locker room, all the guys tease Ken about having a new girl, because he looks so smiley and goofy. Then they gossip about Tad, who seems like he’s having a rough time. The hippies/burnouts keep playing pranks like filling his helmet with water. How…wet. Ken notices Blubber looks like he’s trying to hold back tears.

At the game that night, Jess notices that almost the whole school (including the burnouts) are in the bleachers, but the energy isn’t all positive. When Tad’s called onto the field, Nicky Shepard stands up and yells “Hey Blubber! The twenty-one on your shirt is your IQ, right? What are your parents: Cro-Magnon or Neanderthal?” Ooh, owned!

Except not. Tad goes all rage-blackout and starts pummeling Nicky’s nose. The ambulance has to take Nicky away. Blubber gets thrown off the field and Sweet Valley forfeit to El Carro. Bad move, Tad.

At the Dairi Burger, Elizabeth calls Tad a ‘monster’ for all his violence. I guess we’ve learned she really doesn’t have much sympathy for violent dudes with troubled home lives. Which is fair enough in this case, I guess. Todd and Jess totally take Tad’s side, though, which leads to an argument between Todd and Liz. Yawn.

Ken goes online thinking of Freeverse, and then she pops into the chatroom (this is becoming a trend). They sorta talk about the football game that night, but Ken ‘forgets’ to mention he’s on the team. Freeverse asks Quarter to go for a walk on the beach. Ken gets all alarmed, wondering if she’s unattractive in real life (shallow much?). But then he realizes she means a cyberwalk. Olivia describes the beach overly poetically. Ken describes it awkwardly but sincerely. They tell each other a little about their looks. Both talk about how they have a friend who taught themselves how to surf (Elizabeth). The earnest ghostwriter strikes again: “LOL”, Olivia typed, using the online abbreviation for laughing out loud. They finish up and Olivia gets all dreamy-eyed about Quarter.

Olivia and Ken have the same gym class the next day, and they cutely both miss baskets thinking of the other. Ken thinks that even though Freeverse doesn’t think she is pretty, her inner beauty must show through on the outside. He thinks about how in her world, a puck is a Shakespearean elf, a pigskin is what keeps a pig from falling apart, and Cardinals and Orioles are merely colourful birds. Nice! He’s not such a meathead after all. But yeah. Lots of angsting over him not revealing his true jockness to her. Should he tell her he plays football? Or will she think it’s barbaric? Jeez, is it really such a big deal? Apparently so.

There’s a big crash from the coach’s office in the gym and the class stops. Blubber is throwing things across the coach’s office. This is because the coach is throwing him off the football team indefinitely, and he’s being suspended for a week from school (because of the Nicky thing, obvs). Even irregardless of the incident, Blubber’s now on academic probation, so he can’t play sports anyway. All the jocks are upset, but the burnouts are like “suck it, bitches. Tad is dumb. I bet he can’t even spell probation. Hahaha”. I’d be like “Can you guys spell cocaine? Those who indirectly caused Tragically Deaf/Dead Regina’s death say what?”

Afterwards Liz and Todd start making up, but then before they get there they start fighting again. Yawn. Liz and Todd’s idealistic fights are so lame that I can’t even pay attention.

Liz and Olivia have a chat about how awful and stupid the War of the Cliques is. They pass by the burnouts and Liz gets all investigative reporter and starts asking them questions, thinking the Oracle can do something to help the war. Justin says that school sports encourage competition and violence. Ken pops up and says that they also bring people together, what with team work and spectatorship. Olivia counters this by saying it only brings people together by pitting them against ‘rival’ schools (like, say, El Carro). Ooh, how clever…Freeverse and Quarter are arguing but don’t realize it. Then Liv and Liz talk about how while they’re kind of on the hippies’/burnouts’ sides, they don’t really feel part of that side. Poor Olivia thinks they are still different, because Elizabeth fits in with people from all categories, but she (Olivia) fits in with none. Aw, Olivia. You pwn Elizabeth, don’t worry.

At lunch time, someone (Dana?) plays hardcore punk music over the loudspeaker. Ken expresses his dislike of the clique war, but he’s drowned out by Bruce, who as we all know is a bit of a violence-loving rabble-rouser. This all results in a war-of-the-cliques food fight in the cafeteria. Hehe, Enid ends up with cottage cheese on her forehead. The dessert of the day is (gray) tapioca pudding, which ends up everywhere. Sniff. I wish we had food fights at my high school.

For some reason, Olivia sits at school typing a diary entry into her laptop. She describes a (virtual) hike that she and Quarter had had the day before. She wonders if her “soulmate is walking the hills of El Carro high school”. Aw.

At home, Jessica and Elizabeth argue over the clique war. Here are some of their exchanges:

Elizabeth: Why can’t everybody at school learn to work and play well together? Kindergarteners do it!
Jessica: Because the burnouts and the hippie-radical freaks wont let us!

***

Jessica: I suppose you think the whole situation is the jocks’ fault?
Elizabeth: The fight at the football game definitely was, but all sides are contributing to keeping the fight going now.

Jessica: That isn’t true! The jocks are perfectly content to stop fighting and go back to the way things have always been. It’s the other groups who are trying to change everything!
Elizabeth: Maybe some things need to be changed!

I hate to admit it, but Elizabeth does come off as the rational one in this argument. Jessica suggests that the jocks act better than everyone else because they are better than everyone else. Ugh! Also I love this - bahaha:

Liz: Why do we have to decide whether it was a punker or a burnout? Whatever happened to individuals?
Jess: That’s what a clique is - a group of individuals! I don’t know why I’m even bothering to explain it to you. You couldn’t possibly understand what’s going on.
Liz: What’s that supposed to mean?
Jess: How can someone like you have a clue about the importance of fitting in with a group of people who have the same interests and values? (like wearing purple and gossiping about boys, Jess?) You don’t fit in with anyone.

Jess, you’re being a bitch!

Freeverse and Quarter have another online tryst. This time they have an in-depth convo about poetry. It’s pretty cute, Olivia tries to get Ken to write poetry. She asks him visualize something he loves (he chooses a day at the beach rather than football =P). Then she gets him to describe it step by step. We end up with this one-line opus:

Seagulls slice through cotton candy clouds.

Fantastic! Genius! e.e. cummings would be totes jealous. (To his credit, Ken knows that “the line of poetry he’d written wasn’t a particularly good one. But he’d written it, and for a few minutes he’d had a glimpse into how a real writer might go about crafting the perfect image”. Aw. Do you think this ghostwriter thinks of themselves as one of those ‘real writers’?)

Ken thinks he is in love with Freeverse, which creeps him out a little, but he goes with it. He takes her on a virtual date to a ski cabin. They describe more of their appearance to each other. Olivia insists that she’s nothing special, but Ken makes her describe something she actually likes about herself. She realizes she likes her hands, because her fingers are long and tapered, perfect for painting and strumming guitar strings. (*This seems like an appropriate moment to start singing “My Hands” by Jewel) They totally start doing the internet thing of “I’m running my hand up your arm” “Ooh, it feels good. Your eyes look so pretty”. Lol! Then they virtual kiss =P.  It’s so cute. Both of them are all a-tremble even though it was just a virtual make-out. Ken impulsively suggests that they meet in real life, and even though both of them have trepidations, they agree.

Liz angsts to her friends in the Oracle office that she’s starting to feel “weird” about not fitting in anywhere. They all gush over how awesome she is and how she shouldn’t feel that way. Yawn. I can’t really sympathize with her; up til this book she’s been everyone’s golden girl. Now you see how all the people you’re always condescendingly helping feel, Liz!

Olivia confesses her Quarter-love to Elizabeth (who also asks “A quarter of what?”). Liz is supportive but warns her to be careful about meeting someone online in real life, because he could turn out to be a creep.

Bruce hires a small private jet to fly over the football stadium at the next game, dropping flyers that read “Nicky Had it Coming!”. Lol, he is such an instigator! But no one really sees it - the bleachers are pitifully empty because of the clique war.

Ken waits for Freeverse at a place called Izzy’s Incredible Ice Cream Parlour. Can you guess what happens? He waits for an hour and a half, but the only person he sees is Olivia, also waiting. In the end he gives up and goes home. The same happens to Olivia. Those two are so stupid! You think you’d figure it out when you noticed that the other person matches their online persona’s physical description, but nooo…

Meanwhile, Jessica goes on a date with Bryce…and Danny. Yep. She agreed to go on a date with both of them at the same time. And she was surprised about that message that people left for her on the blackboard in Senior Year? I mean, okay, I’m not going to go the horribly derogatory route of calling Jessica a slut, cos I think labels like that are stupid, but it’s pretty odd to date two men at one time. Oh well, maybe she’s experimenting with polyamory.

The two guys vie for Jess’ attention the whole time and she loves it. Then they all decide to stop by Tad’s house to see how he’s doing. But *gasp* there’s an ambulance outside his house! The policeman there tells them that…Tad tried to kill himself *collective gasp*. He took an overdose of his mom’s sleeping pills.

Just a side note…this is another example of terrible SV policing. What kind of officer releases (probably) confidential information like this to random teenagers? A bad one, that’s what kind!

And also, why are all attempted suicides in Sweet Valley High over sports stuff?

Olivia and Ken get online again, each being all “where were you”? They finally realize who each other is. Olivia feels disappointed that her ‘sensitive poet’ is just a guy she’s known since middle school and never paid much attention to. She also feels really mad that he never let on what a jock he is. She accuses him of lying to her and playing games with her, which he takes offense at. He accuses her of stereotyping him. They both go offline angry.

Jessica comes home upset, and before she tells Elizabeth what’s wrong, Liz asks “Did Danny and Bryce get fed up with double-teaming you?” LOL! I love Liz’s lines in this book! Double teaming! That’s gross, Liz :O Apparently Zach Johnson (Tad’s brother) also told them that it wasn’t just over football - their parent’s marriage was on the rocks. Their dad recently moved out and Tad just couldn’t take it anymore. Jeez. I’m sure this must be a hard thing to go to, but this book was written in 1998! Every second child came from a divorced family. Anyway, Tad was throwing himself into football to hide the pain, and supposedly getting thrown off the team was the last straw for him.

Ken thinks about how he might have been able to handle that his beautiful, mysterious Freeverse was just a girl he’d known for ages, but that he can’t stand how she assumes he has ‘astro turf’ for brains. Heh.

Liz calls Todd and tells him about Tad, and they choose this moment to make up because…near-suicides get them hot, I guess?

There is an all-school assembly the next day to talk about what happened. Jessica is really upset, not just because of Tad, but because no one is making up - all the cliques are still segregated from each other. (Wasn’t she just arguing for the jock’s superiority two chapters ago? Ah well, that’s Jess for ya) Olivia thinks about this too, and then realizes she is being kind of mean to act like the Quarter she loves is shit because he plays football.

Ken watches Olivia and realizes that she is actually cute and has her own style. He thinks about how much fun they had online, but that it’s sad how she didn’t turn out to be as open-minded as Freeverse in real life.

Liz and Olivia talk in the Oracle office, and Olivia comes up with a brilliant idea - they should have a ‘Walk in Each Other’s Shoes’ Dance! Everyone has to come in an outfit borrowed entirely from someone dramatically different from them in the school. This will get people from different cliques talking and interacting. Pretty awesome idea, actually.

So the book comes full circle and we end at this dance. So much stuff happens that I’ll have to record it in a brief list-y way, so sorry ‘bout the following sentences. Todd comes dressed in Nicky Shepard burnout clothes (a Loaded Chain Saw t-shirt). Liz comes in a Lila Fowler $500 dress and stilettos. Bruce, hilariously, is dressed in math-geek apparel. The DJ plays a crazy mix of music and no one complains. It’s turned into Sweet V-eden High. Heh. Like, Sv-eeden? Oh my god, I suck. So anyway, Olivia comes wearing Claire Middleton’s Gladiator uniform (a secret message to Ken?). Mr. Collins comes dressed in Todd’s basketball uniform (LOL! Secret longings to be Liz’s boyfriend?). Justin Belson wears a Bruce Patman tuxedo. Justin is dancing with Lila, who is wearing grunge (omfg!). Dana Larson wears an ultraconservative pin-striped business suit (I wonder who that belongs to?). Jan Brown (in a cheerleading uniform) and Amy Sutton (in one of Rosa Jameson's Mexican fiesta dresses) get chummy over the refreshment table. Jessica gets dolled up as a punker, in an all-black outfit borrowed from Dana (with a fake nose ring and rub-on tattoos to boot). She gets dancey with Keith Wagner (dressed preppily), and Danny and Bryce look on sadly. Blubber and Zack come dressed as (muscular) burnouts.

Olivia and Ken finally get to talking, and admit they are sorry for judging each other on surface impressions (Ken’s dressed in Keith Wagner’s hippie garb and love beads). They dance together and finally have a real-life kiss (and I bet everyone at SVH dies in shock). Yay! Happy ending! Everyone’s in love! And alive! Betcha couldn't see that one coming! Yippee…