SVT #72 The Love Potion
Remember when you’re about thirteen, and a girl likes some guy, but all her friends hate him and think he’s a loser for no good reason so they pressurize her into not going out with him? That’s this book.
The cover shows Jessica, Janet and Tamara selling love potion. I think they're in that order, I'm not sure. Tamara looks like a pirate. And that potion is supposed to be purple, not red! Unless it's the secret one they made up. I've noticed a trend towards showing scenes from the book in the later SVT covers.
Also the tag line is “Will the Unicorns’ fake magic help Mary find a real romance?” No. Their high standards and peer pressure will hinder her efforts at finding a guy she likes, and they play a mean trick in the process.
A Plot
The Sweet Valley Charity Carnival is coming up. The Unicorns always have a booth, and are coming up with ideas. Ellen suggests a kissing booth - everyone is appalled, because they won’t be able to vet candidates. They might have to kiss a nerd, like Winston Egbert, or Peter Burns. Ugh, who would ever want to kiss Peter Burns, who came second in the science fair?
Elizabeth wanders in (they’re in the Wakefields house) with news about the charity carnival. Mr Clark is giving a prize to the booth which raises the most money. Mary Wallace runs in, who was at the Sixers meeting with Elizabeth. She announces that JOHNNY BUCK IS COMING TO SWEET VALLEY! Again. Maybe he wants to spend some quality time with his cousin, Ms Langberg. He’ll be playing at the 2000 seater Hippodrome because he wants to play some smaller venues. (Read: can’t sell the tickets anymore). Also, the tickets won’t be for sale, there will be some sort of competition. I fail to see how Mr Buck will turn a profit on this venture. Does he think people will go mad at the merch stand?
Mary declares that she will do anything to see Johnny Buck. Jessica adds that she’s going to see him with her. How exciting!
The Unicorns put up posters for the carnival at the mall. Mary bumps into Peter Burns. Almost literally, because he’s standing right behind her. How creepy. He makes a deeply awkward attempt at conversation. The Unicorns see what’s happening and call her over. They roundly mock him. Janet declares that Mary hasn’t been rude enough to him, something Janet knows a great deal about. Belinda once left a note in a kid’s locker because he wouldn’t leave her alone. It consisted of “If you don’t leave me alone, I’m going to beat you up.” She was in fourth grade at the time.
Leave him alone! Not everyone is up on their social skills at the age of twelve or thirteen or however old you are.
Mary just doesn’t know what to do! She didn’t want to be mean to him, but if he embarrasses her in front of her friends, she’ll have no choice. I’m sure she’ll have some choice in the matter.
Peter stares at Mary during lunch. Man, this book really shows the thin line between love and stalking. Janet advises Mary to be a bitch, something that comes naturally to Janet. Mary sees things differently- she has the perfectly reasonable view that she doesn’t get asked out much. Unlike Janet, although I don’t recall Janet having boyfriend in any of these books.
Elizabeth is in the Sixers office, doing something incredibly tedious. Any storyline involving the Sixers tends to be incredibly tedious. Peter walks in, and asks if she needs any help on the special carnival edition. Elizabeth suggests he works on the design using the computer, because he’s a nerd. Nerds like computer things - makes them feel more comfortable with everyday life. Peter oh-so-casually brings Mary into the conversation - she works here, right? Will she be working here this week? He’s just wondering, of course.
Meanwhile, Mary has been spending time in the language lab. Whilst walking home, she hears someone calling - it’s Peter! Wow, what a coincidence! He’s going to see a friend near where she lives, so they can walk together. Mary is not quick on the uptake: “She wondered how he knew where she lived.” Because he’s been following you home, going tree to tree. That’s how. Is this Lloyd Dobler, or just creepy as hell? Both. And really, if you’re going to quietly perform reconnaissance upon a potential target, at least be subtle about it.
Mary says she loves Johnny Buck and can’t wait to see him (see B Plot). Peter uses his big juicy second place science fair brain to talk probability of winning. “You have as much chance of winning as everyone else.” Winning a contest, Pete. Not life, and not girls. Remember that. Mary is charmed. He finds his uh, friend’s road and toddles off, ready to run home and tick off phase two AND three of his plan - Talk to Girl and Find Out Her Interests.
Mary feels conflicted about leading him on, but likes him as a friend: “He was one of the few people she’d talked to all day who seemed to understand how important the concert was to her.” Except at lunch when it was all the Unicorns talked about. She must mean Peter wanted her to win, rather than the Unicorns wanting themselves to win. Also, Peter didn’t seem that interested in Johnny Buck. Just her. Way to listen, Mary!
Jessica comes up with an idea for the Charity Booth (yup, that’s still happening). By the way, she got ice cream with Aaron Dallas after school. Yay! (But has there been kissing?) Her idea is to sell Love Potion. That’s… so twelve-year-old. Everyone loves it, except Ellen, who is always wrong.
Peter stares at Mary during lunch again. When she sees him, he looks at something else. Mary clears her tray, and Peter makes his move. He gives her a “glossy music magazine”. He manages to drop it whilst passing it to her. Johnny Buck is on the cover. Peter’s uncle works at Rock It magazine, and gives him copies of it before everyone else. Presumably only like a day before everyone else, but still, what a cute thought. Mary is really pleased, but is dragged off by Janet. Peter hurries to cross off phase four - PRESENT GIFT (see phase three). Phase four of course had its own plan, involving choosing the right gift and the moment to present.
The Unicorns are seriously impressed by the magazine, so they decide Mary needs to begin dating someone else right away. They decide on Tim Davis, eight-grader, basketball player and way popular. Mary is reluctant, thinking he’s a bit of a show-off. Also, why would he want to go out with her? Janet declares she is pretty and a Unicorn, so Mary can get any boy Janet wants! Lesson learnt: go for somebody who isn’t that interested in you, or barely knows you, because he’s hotter. A guy who cares and learns your interests is clearly a loser.
Peter makes up a new design for the Sixers. Elizabeth loves it. He’s made up headlines for the dummy - BUCK CONCERT CAUSES RIOT is one of them. Elizabeth starts talking about the competition and Peter admits he entered even though he doesn’t really like Johnny Buck. Elizabeth asks if it was for Mary. Peter: “How did you know?” Let see, the gifts, the joining the newspaper, the awkward conversations, the knowing where she lives (although I think that was more attempting to find out - still creepy) - I could go on. He asks if Mary would go to the Johnny Buck concert with him if he won. Babe, Mary would go with a homeless person she’d only just met if it meant she could go. A better question would be “Do you think Mary would go somewhere with me to partake in a mutually enjoyable activity?” Except less weird. And dirty.
Peter is surprised, because he thought she didn’t like him very much. Elizabeth completely dances around the subject, settling on “She thinks you’re a nice person.” Jeez. You may as well say she is aware of his existence. Peter asks Elizabeth not to tell Mary he was talking about her. Oh, Elizabeth. You maroon.
The Unicorns go to the Steamer Trunk - Sweet Valley’s best vintage clothing store - to rent costumes for the booth. Apparently they got 50s clothing for the Sock Hop here “last year”. Quickly, SVT buffs! Which book was that? Because we’ve got the hint of a timeline here. Ellen’s skirt was pink with a white embroidered poodle on it. Ellen is so lame. I love it.
The saleswoman is wearing “an old letter sweater, baggy jeans and saddle shoes”. I want to buy vintage clothing off her. When they explain their idea, the saleswoman shows them gypsy costumes. Specifically “a filmy flowing red skirt, covered by a patterned red top.” Jessica expresses concern that it might be a bit too sheer, which is probably a landmark in SV history. So they’ll wear satin pants underneath it.
Mary gets a telephone call from a boy. This is where my family would be going “oOoh! A boy! Who is it? Is he your boyfriend?” and snickering all day long, whilst I go “Shut up! It’s none of your business!” This does not happen. Anyway, it’s Tim Davis. Janet works fast. They have a thrilling conversation which basically consists of “What you doing?” “Nothing. What you doing?” “Nothing.” They have nothing in common. Oh, I made a joke without realising it!
Tim tells her about his exciting social plans for that night and doesn’t invite her. Then he invites her to the picnic which follows the carnival. She accepts, because she knows the Unicorns will be pissed off if she says no. This is an excellent way to start a relationship. They talk about the ticket competition - Tim hates Johnny Buck and likes a metal band named Major Mercy. You know that’s a total hair band with no credibility. Unlike Johnny Buck!
Mary’s final verdict on the Tim/Peter dilemma: She almost felt bad for Peter [note: ALMOST] the middle school was pretty small and he’d find out soon enough that she was going out with Tim. But what could she do? It wasn’t her fault that Peter had a hopeless crush on her.
Besides, Tim was really cute, and at least he’d had the nerve to ask her out.
Harsh, yet true.
Monday morning. Nobody is happy at school because they didn’t win Johnny Buck tickets. Mr Bowman takes action. He entered the competition trying to win tickets for his niece - and won. Instead, he’s decided to raffle off the tickets at the charity carnival. One entry per person. Mr Bowman is not getting a Christmas card from his niece this year. Also, his tie has lobsters on it.
The Unicorns meet after school to buy potion ingredients. Peter sidles up to Mary and says he entered the Tribune contest for her. Obviously he didn’t win. He starts to ask her out the night of the concert, which is so cute, when Tim Davis slides down the handrail on the stairs in front of Peter. Best cockblock ever. He plays it all Zak Morris, moving right in and saying that his dad will pick them up for the picnic. Smooth. Tim, God of School, struts off to basketball practice whilst Peter scurries away to a dark corner. He needs to revise his plan. Phase five has failed miserably.
The Unicorns go off to find potion ingredients. After a few pages of rummaging, Jessica decides they have everything at her house already.
Jessica, Lila and Mary watch Tim play basketball. They are in agreement: Tim is cute, and he likes Mary. Except he hasn’t talked to her since asking her out. But he must like her, because he called her! This is like a tedious version of Sex and the City, complete with awful outfits. And more false rape allegations.
At the end of practice, Tim comes over to them and brags about what a great game he played. Mary thinks he’s conceited because he kept track of how many points and rebounds he made - eighteen points and twelve rebounds. Is that typical of basketball? I wouldn’t know, with my effete European sensibility. Tim reminds Mary to see his game at the charity carnival, and struts off. Lila and Jessica comment that it doesn’t matter if Tim is conceited, because he’s really really cute. Mary is appalled by their shallowness! What, is she not aware she is a Unicorn? A group who refer to themselves as the most shiny special ones in their year, or whatever? A group whose entire raison d’etre is arrogance, shallowness and purple fuzzy unicorns?
And here’s a classic example: the Unicorns still haven’t decided on the potion recipe, but they have ordered some little glass bottles, and are going to pick up their costumes. Tim and Mary walked home together, but he talked about average points per game, and Major Mercy. Mary declares him “OK”. A love for the ages. Their costumes are apparently great, but there’s no description, aside from Lila’s being purple, Mary’s green and Mandy’s having a turban.
Elizabeth finishes up the carnival edition of the Sixers. Peter is helping. Apparently ever since Mary started going out with Tim, Peter hasn’t been the same. Peter is helping with the science club booth tomorrow, which is an erupting volcano. He says “Our orders are to avoid death and destruction.” Oh, Peter. If only you’d been coherent around Mary.
The Unicorns attempt cookery. Mary suggests a fruit juice base, and then add “some things” to it. Like what, Mary? “a tiny bit of syrup to make it thicker, and some spices, maybe.” Hey, thanks! Janet starts making one, but completely fails to look at what she’s putting in. Predictably, in goes the garlic powder. Belinda tries cherry-grape soda, lime jello powder and HALF A BOTTLE of vanilla essence. No. Ellen has a mishap with a box of baking soda, which was hugely entertaining, I assure you. They eventually use a cookbook. (Note: they had looked in a cookbook before. Under “love potion”.) They settle on pineapple punch, coloured purple.
For those of you who want to follow along at home, the recipe consists of tea, lemon juice, orange juice, sugar, pineapple juice, ginger ale and soda water. I have never heard of a punch with tea in it.
The day of the carnival. Lila picks everyone up in her dad’s limo. He was worried about all the little bottles breaking, so a limo would help. Jessica announces that Elizabeth will be helping Mr Bowman with the raffle draw, so Jessica will know who won before everyone else. Does Mr Bowman really need help with a raffle?
The Unicorns set up their booth, near the concessions stands. Other booths are the football team, selling chocolate footballs (presumably not actual size), the soccer team raffling tickets to a game, the chess club offering a computer chess game you can try and beat. Not a great booth idea. Dull, and will probably take forever.
Inexplicably, the Unicorns booth is hugely popular. Tim buys three bottles and manages to look like a jerk doing it. Tim probably sleeps like a jerk too. Mary is unimpressed: “I think he cares more about himself than anyone else.” Lila flipped her brown hair over her shoulder. “What’s wrong with that?”
Ah, Lila.
Jessica refers to Peter as Puppy Love Burns, a nickname which tries way too hard. Fetch will never catch on, Jessica! Not even in Europe!
Elizabeth sells the newspaper. Isn’t the carnival wonderful? Peter drops by, and mutters something about buying a raffle ticket, because “I can dream, can’t I?” Yes, but the beauty of dreaming is that, as Blondie once said, dreaming is free. Rather than paying for a ticket which you won’t want if you win, thus losing either way.
Jessica sees Peter wandering around. She comments that hey, he looks like someone who needs a love potion! Jessica calls out to Peter, who is rather reluctant. He doesn’t believe in all that stuff. Janet and Tamara chime in, offering him a full refund if it doesn’t work. But they’ve completely sold out - never fear. Jessica can whip up a new batch in fifteen minutes… She even blags that it’s a family recipe, and how her father met her mother. Well, that’s what happened with Voldemort, and we all know how that turned out. Peter agrees, because “it’s for a good cause”. All Peter’s scientific rationalist viewpoints fly straight out of the window. Richard Dawkins would be appalled.
Here is a moment where I really really hate Jessica. She’s going to make Peter a special potion, full of crap, because Peter has committed the crimes of being a bit gawkish, and liking a friend of hers. The only person less deserving of this is fat lois.
After the charity basketball match, Tim and Mary walk round the booths. Tim rambles on about how he should have been allowed to take the last shot instead of Todd, and how Todd is a total ball hog. I’m sure Elizabeth will be interested to know that. Predictably, Mary sees things differently. Tim is conceited! In case you’d forgotten.
They come up to the raffle booth. Tim goes to get something to drink, blaming the love potion for his thirst. Mary didn’t feel like pointing out that playing basketball for two hours probably had more to do with it than any love potion. You should, Mary.
She says hi to Peter and Mr Bowman, who are at the raffle booth. She notices Peter has bought a ticket, and correctly assumes this is for her. She makes polite conversation about wanting to win, and Peter makes the cryptic statement “things might turn out ok even if I don’t.” Has he seen how much of a conceited asshole Tim is and figured out he still has a chance? Yes. He’s a smart boy. He is in the science club after all. But when she presses Peter on it, he replies “Oh, never mind.” And walks off. Well! What does Mary think of this?
Mary felt like hitting Peter over the head with her sandal. How could he have gone from being so nice to being so cold in a week? He was acting as if he didn’t even want to talk to her. He obviously hadn’t liked her that much after all.
You fool, Mary! Mere weeks ago you were embarrassed by his attempts at niceness! You drove him away, got another boyfriend and now you’re hurt that he’s not fawning over you again? And you consider that to be fickle, rather than hurt? Blame lies on both sides here, and you need to talk to each other like adults. It’s like you’re both twelve years old!
No really, Mary’s sort of bugging me in this book. By the end, I think Peter could do a little better.
Tim brings Mary a soda, the only nice thing he’s ever done.
Jessica goes on her evil potion making. What if Peter has allergies? He is a nerd, after all. He’s almost guaranteed to have some sort of intolerance. Hopefully not in a prejudiced way. Anyway, she takes a used empty bottle and walks around the concession stands, because she has no money. She adds salsa from the Mexican food stand. Rationale: I’ll tell him that it’s hot because it’s a LOVE potion. Just imagine me rolling my eyes any time something like this is said. Yellow mustard from the hot dog booth. Root beer, from the soda her dad bought her. The potion is now grey, instead of purple. The Indian restaurant booth has a variety of sauces, so she adds them all in. That’s probably stuff like mango chutney, lime pickle, yoghurt and general curry sauces. Then she stops at the funnel cake stand and adds powdered sugar.
When Peter comes back, he looks “extremely hopeful”. Oh. This is so cruel. Jessica tells him to hold his nose when he drinks it, and that it’s supposed to taste bad. Like cough syrup.
He drinks it.
He immediately needs water, so Tamara hands him ice cubes. He then turns pale, then green, and then wavers on his feet. I’m not convinced that what is essentially a variety of condiments mixed with soda would have such an effect.
He walks off and everybody laughs. Ha ha ha.
Elizabeth draws the raffle winner. It is Peter. Who guessed that one?
Anyway, the winner won’t be announced until the following day.
Mary has stayed in watching TV. She didn’t go over to Lila’s house with everyone else because she feels sad and she doesn’t know why. I think everyone else knows why. Tim calls her to confirm the arrangements for their date to the picnic the next day. Mary has to get a ride to Tim’s house, because Tim’s dad says Mary’s house is too far away to drive to. Right. Tim hangs up because he’s getting ice cream with “the guys”. Mary thinks about how Peter would have asked her to come along and cheered her up. That’s because he ACTUALLY LIKED YOU. Shocking, I know, but when you start relationships with people who ACTUALLY LIKE YOU they do nice things for you.
Mary has a moment of revelation: Peter was really nice to me, and I was a jerk in return. Yes. Yes you were. She resolves to tell Peter how she feels tomorrow, counting on the fact that Tim will abandon her to play basketball with his friends. She even acknowledges that she shouldn’t have followed her friends’ advice.
Jessica bugs Elizabeth over who won the raffle. She pulls the whole ‘psychic twin’ thing, and tells Elizabeth to write it down on a napkin so she can visualize the name. Elizabeth, being a mug, falls for this. Jessica steals the napkin and reads Peter’s name. She is shocked! If only the Unicorns had told Mary to stick with Peter.
Jessica attempts restraint, but ends up calling Lila. She tells all.
Mary waits for Tim at his house. For fifteen minutes. Apparently he woke up late. Oh, and his dad can’t drive them. They have to ride bikes. Mary will have to ride his mother’s bike. Oh, that beautiful time in a young girl’s life when she’s asked to ride her date’s mother’s bike. The bike is too big for her, and Secca Lake, where the picnic is held, is a long way away. Tim speeds off ahead, and she gets a flat tyre. If you haven’t guessed, Tim is a complete dick. Mary blames the age of the bike, Tim claims she rode over something sharp. Mary is at the end of her tether. She should just end it now.
She ends up locking the bike to a lamppost and walking there. Tim cheerfully speeds off. Tim doesn’t even want a girlfriend. I bet his friends were pushing him into it too.
Mary gets to the lake. She finds Peter surrounded by her friends, who are all fawning over him. Jessica apologises for her evil potion, claiming she hadn’t noticed she’d put some of her dad’s extra extra hot barbecue sauce in it. Why would her dad even be carrying that around? So they’re justifying their interest in him through their fraudulent love potion. Mary gives a heartfelt apology. Peter blames the love potion, and she explains how it was just pineapple punch. Peter’s tasted mostly of tomato. She says they were probably playing a trick on him. Yeah, a mean nasty unnecessary trick. And yes, Peter did think he had a chance, as “I may not be the coolest guy in school, but I know a jerk when I see one.” He doesn’t think Mary is a jerk. But he does think Jessica is. I like Peter. I’m glad this is all ending well.
Mr Clark announces the winner of most money raised. The Unicorns win. They get a plaque. Lila mutters “A lousy plaque?” right into the microphone. And Peter wins and everyone is happy.
Peter approaches the Unicorns, and Jessica immediately panics, thinking he’s going to tell her off for the potion, or for the fawning, and Elizabeth will know she told everyone. Jessica has a lot to apologise for in this book. Peter, because he is the biggest person in all of Sweet Valley, gives Jessica his ticket so she can go with Mary. Peter wins at life.
The Unicorns sort of hate Jessica.
B Plot
The Wakefield siblings complain that Sundays is chore day. There is no day of rest at the Wakefield house. Steven boasts that he’ll be going to see Johnny Buck and they won’t, because it’s on a school night. It’s not like we’ve ever seen Alice and Ned be responsible parents. Letting them go out on a school night is the least of their problems. Steven doesn’t actually have tickets, but he doesn’t consider that a problem. He WILL get them, because his girlfriend loves Johnny Buck. (Cathy Connors, not Jill, thankfully). Jessica bets Steven a month’s worth of chores that she’ll get tickets and he won’t. It is on!
Elizabeth wakes up Jessica Monday morning - she’s overslept and today is the day the Sweet Valley Tribune announces how to win tickets. You fill in the form in the paper, and send it off. It’s a random draw. Steven has gone to Al’s Newsstand to get as many copies of the paper as possible, and Elizabeth has already swiped the house copy. Despite Elizabeth’s cool about the competition, she probably stayed awake all night in a state of cat-like readiness waiting for the paper boy. Jessica cycles to the newsstand and buys the last six copies of the paper. Although Jessica only just woke up, Steven is also at the newsstand, buying nine dollars worth of papers. That’s thirty copies. Steven is all AH HA HA HA YOUR PUNY SIX COPIES WILL NEVER COMPETE WITH MINE. Of course, seeing as the newspaper expects to have at least 1000 entrants ( two tickets per person), the different between nine and thirty … remains twenty-seven, but my point is you’re spitting in the ocean here. The Pacific ocean, natch.
Jessica has a plan of action to get a Johnny Buck ticket. It involves being super nice to the Unicorns who entered loads of times. It involves sucking up to everyone and playing waitress.
Steven finds out the Tribune received 25 000 entries in one day.
Mary is so worried about it she can’t eat lunch. It’s macaroni and cheese, Mary! Food of the gods!
Friday. The winners have been drawn, and will be given their tickets by special courier on Saturday.
Jessica sucks up some more by letting other people choose films. Lila chooses Sewer Rats From Hell. Most un-Lila film ever, but she knows what’s going on, so I’ll let it slide.
Saturday. Jessica sits at home, worrying about the tickets. A courier arrives at the door, with tickets for Wakefield… STEVEN Wakefield. Jessica’s world crashes down around her. How could she enter a contest and not win? This has never happened before! Steven is, of course, jubilant. He’s in row 24.
Elizabeth calls from Amy’s house - Amy won tickets too, for the seventh row. In your face Steven! Attentive readers will realise this means Jessica is cleaning the entire house by her house for a month. Ouch.
Mary has not won tickets. She is gutted
Steven accuses Jessica of stealing his tickets. She denies it, and says if she helps him find them, he has to give her one. Steven heads straight for Jessica’s room, but it’s such a tip he can barely get in the door. After rummaging through everything, Steven attempts to pry up her carpet. He relents. Steven gets Jessica’s locker number and combination - 212 and 24-13-22.
Steven still hasn’t found his tickets by some indeterminate time in the future. He agrees to Jessica’s deal. They plan to sort through each room of the house, retracing Steven’s steps. He remembers he put them in his jeans, which are in the laundry. They race down into the basement and switch off the washer. Jessica rummages around in the pockets of the jeans (apparently the Wakefields wash their clothes by garment type) but only finds the science quiz she failed last Thursday.
Steven STILL can’t find his tickets, with only four days to go. He realizes he hasn’t checked Elizabeth’s room, despite her having no reason to take them seeing as she has better seats than him.
Steven finds his tickets. They were in his geometry book. Ned cottons on to the fact that Steven hasn’t opened his geometry book in a week. He is grounded for the week, with the exception of the concert.
Everyone goes to the concert, and has a jolly good time.
The cover shows Jessica, Janet and Tamara selling love potion. I think they're in that order, I'm not sure. Tamara looks like a pirate. And that potion is supposed to be purple, not red! Unless it's the secret one they made up. I've noticed a trend towards showing scenes from the book in the later SVT covers.
Also the tag line is “Will the Unicorns’ fake magic help Mary find a real romance?” No. Their high standards and peer pressure will hinder her efforts at finding a guy she likes, and they play a mean trick in the process.
A Plot
The Sweet Valley Charity Carnival is coming up. The Unicorns always have a booth, and are coming up with ideas. Ellen suggests a kissing booth - everyone is appalled, because they won’t be able to vet candidates. They might have to kiss a nerd, like Winston Egbert, or Peter Burns. Ugh, who would ever want to kiss Peter Burns, who came second in the science fair?
Elizabeth wanders in (they’re in the Wakefields house) with news about the charity carnival. Mr Clark is giving a prize to the booth which raises the most money. Mary Wallace runs in, who was at the Sixers meeting with Elizabeth. She announces that JOHNNY BUCK IS COMING TO SWEET VALLEY! Again. Maybe he wants to spend some quality time with his cousin, Ms Langberg. He’ll be playing at the 2000 seater Hippodrome because he wants to play some smaller venues. (Read: can’t sell the tickets anymore). Also, the tickets won’t be for sale, there will be some sort of competition. I fail to see how Mr Buck will turn a profit on this venture. Does he think people will go mad at the merch stand?
Mary declares that she will do anything to see Johnny Buck. Jessica adds that she’s going to see him with her. How exciting!
The Unicorns put up posters for the carnival at the mall. Mary bumps into Peter Burns. Almost literally, because he’s standing right behind her. How creepy. He makes a deeply awkward attempt at conversation. The Unicorns see what’s happening and call her over. They roundly mock him. Janet declares that Mary hasn’t been rude enough to him, something Janet knows a great deal about. Belinda once left a note in a kid’s locker because he wouldn’t leave her alone. It consisted of “If you don’t leave me alone, I’m going to beat you up.” She was in fourth grade at the time.
Leave him alone! Not everyone is up on their social skills at the age of twelve or thirteen or however old you are.
Mary just doesn’t know what to do! She didn’t want to be mean to him, but if he embarrasses her in front of her friends, she’ll have no choice. I’m sure she’ll have some choice in the matter.
Peter stares at Mary during lunch. Man, this book really shows the thin line between love and stalking. Janet advises Mary to be a bitch, something that comes naturally to Janet. Mary sees things differently- she has the perfectly reasonable view that she doesn’t get asked out much. Unlike Janet, although I don’t recall Janet having boyfriend in any of these books.
Elizabeth is in the Sixers office, doing something incredibly tedious. Any storyline involving the Sixers tends to be incredibly tedious. Peter walks in, and asks if she needs any help on the special carnival edition. Elizabeth suggests he works on the design using the computer, because he’s a nerd. Nerds like computer things - makes them feel more comfortable with everyday life. Peter oh-so-casually brings Mary into the conversation - she works here, right? Will she be working here this week? He’s just wondering, of course.
Meanwhile, Mary has been spending time in the language lab. Whilst walking home, she hears someone calling - it’s Peter! Wow, what a coincidence! He’s going to see a friend near where she lives, so they can walk together. Mary is not quick on the uptake: “She wondered how he knew where she lived.” Because he’s been following you home, going tree to tree. That’s how. Is this Lloyd Dobler, or just creepy as hell? Both. And really, if you’re going to quietly perform reconnaissance upon a potential target, at least be subtle about it.
Mary says she loves Johnny Buck and can’t wait to see him (see B Plot). Peter uses his big juicy second place science fair brain to talk probability of winning. “You have as much chance of winning as everyone else.” Winning a contest, Pete. Not life, and not girls. Remember that. Mary is charmed. He finds his uh, friend’s road and toddles off, ready to run home and tick off phase two AND three of his plan - Talk to Girl and Find Out Her Interests.
Mary feels conflicted about leading him on, but likes him as a friend: “He was one of the few people she’d talked to all day who seemed to understand how important the concert was to her.” Except at lunch when it was all the Unicorns talked about. She must mean Peter wanted her to win, rather than the Unicorns wanting themselves to win. Also, Peter didn’t seem that interested in Johnny Buck. Just her. Way to listen, Mary!
Jessica comes up with an idea for the Charity Booth (yup, that’s still happening). By the way, she got ice cream with Aaron Dallas after school. Yay! (But has there been kissing?) Her idea is to sell Love Potion. That’s… so twelve-year-old. Everyone loves it, except Ellen, who is always wrong.
Peter stares at Mary during lunch again. When she sees him, he looks at something else. Mary clears her tray, and Peter makes his move. He gives her a “glossy music magazine”. He manages to drop it whilst passing it to her. Johnny Buck is on the cover. Peter’s uncle works at Rock It magazine, and gives him copies of it before everyone else. Presumably only like a day before everyone else, but still, what a cute thought. Mary is really pleased, but is dragged off by Janet. Peter hurries to cross off phase four - PRESENT GIFT (see phase three). Phase four of course had its own plan, involving choosing the right gift and the moment to present.
The Unicorns are seriously impressed by the magazine, so they decide Mary needs to begin dating someone else right away. They decide on Tim Davis, eight-grader, basketball player and way popular. Mary is reluctant, thinking he’s a bit of a show-off. Also, why would he want to go out with her? Janet declares she is pretty and a Unicorn, so Mary can get any boy Janet wants! Lesson learnt: go for somebody who isn’t that interested in you, or barely knows you, because he’s hotter. A guy who cares and learns your interests is clearly a loser.
Peter makes up a new design for the Sixers. Elizabeth loves it. He’s made up headlines for the dummy - BUCK CONCERT CAUSES RIOT is one of them. Elizabeth starts talking about the competition and Peter admits he entered even though he doesn’t really like Johnny Buck. Elizabeth asks if it was for Mary. Peter: “How did you know?” Let see, the gifts, the joining the newspaper, the awkward conversations, the knowing where she lives (although I think that was more attempting to find out - still creepy) - I could go on. He asks if Mary would go to the Johnny Buck concert with him if he won. Babe, Mary would go with a homeless person she’d only just met if it meant she could go. A better question would be “Do you think Mary would go somewhere with me to partake in a mutually enjoyable activity?” Except less weird. And dirty.
Peter is surprised, because he thought she didn’t like him very much. Elizabeth completely dances around the subject, settling on “She thinks you’re a nice person.” Jeez. You may as well say she is aware of his existence. Peter asks Elizabeth not to tell Mary he was talking about her. Oh, Elizabeth. You maroon.
The Unicorns go to the Steamer Trunk - Sweet Valley’s best vintage clothing store - to rent costumes for the booth. Apparently they got 50s clothing for the Sock Hop here “last year”. Quickly, SVT buffs! Which book was that? Because we’ve got the hint of a timeline here. Ellen’s skirt was pink with a white embroidered poodle on it. Ellen is so lame. I love it.
The saleswoman is wearing “an old letter sweater, baggy jeans and saddle shoes”. I want to buy vintage clothing off her. When they explain their idea, the saleswoman shows them gypsy costumes. Specifically “a filmy flowing red skirt, covered by a patterned red top.” Jessica expresses concern that it might be a bit too sheer, which is probably a landmark in SV history. So they’ll wear satin pants underneath it.
Mary gets a telephone call from a boy. This is where my family would be going “oOoh! A boy! Who is it? Is he your boyfriend?” and snickering all day long, whilst I go “Shut up! It’s none of your business!” This does not happen. Anyway, it’s Tim Davis. Janet works fast. They have a thrilling conversation which basically consists of “What you doing?” “Nothing. What you doing?” “Nothing.” They have nothing in common. Oh, I made a joke without realising it!
Tim tells her about his exciting social plans for that night and doesn’t invite her. Then he invites her to the picnic which follows the carnival. She accepts, because she knows the Unicorns will be pissed off if she says no. This is an excellent way to start a relationship. They talk about the ticket competition - Tim hates Johnny Buck and likes a metal band named Major Mercy. You know that’s a total hair band with no credibility. Unlike Johnny Buck!
Mary’s final verdict on the Tim/Peter dilemma: She almost felt bad for Peter [note: ALMOST] the middle school was pretty small and he’d find out soon enough that she was going out with Tim. But what could she do? It wasn’t her fault that Peter had a hopeless crush on her.
Besides, Tim was really cute, and at least he’d had the nerve to ask her out.
Harsh, yet true.
Monday morning. Nobody is happy at school because they didn’t win Johnny Buck tickets. Mr Bowman takes action. He entered the competition trying to win tickets for his niece - and won. Instead, he’s decided to raffle off the tickets at the charity carnival. One entry per person. Mr Bowman is not getting a Christmas card from his niece this year. Also, his tie has lobsters on it.
The Unicorns meet after school to buy potion ingredients. Peter sidles up to Mary and says he entered the Tribune contest for her. Obviously he didn’t win. He starts to ask her out the night of the concert, which is so cute, when Tim Davis slides down the handrail on the stairs in front of Peter. Best cockblock ever. He plays it all Zak Morris, moving right in and saying that his dad will pick them up for the picnic. Smooth. Tim, God of School, struts off to basketball practice whilst Peter scurries away to a dark corner. He needs to revise his plan. Phase five has failed miserably.
The Unicorns go off to find potion ingredients. After a few pages of rummaging, Jessica decides they have everything at her house already.
Jessica, Lila and Mary watch Tim play basketball. They are in agreement: Tim is cute, and he likes Mary. Except he hasn’t talked to her since asking her out. But he must like her, because he called her! This is like a tedious version of Sex and the City, complete with awful outfits. And more false rape allegations.
At the end of practice, Tim comes over to them and brags about what a great game he played. Mary thinks he’s conceited because he kept track of how many points and rebounds he made - eighteen points and twelve rebounds. Is that typical of basketball? I wouldn’t know, with my effete European sensibility. Tim reminds Mary to see his game at the charity carnival, and struts off. Lila and Jessica comment that it doesn’t matter if Tim is conceited, because he’s really really cute. Mary is appalled by their shallowness! What, is she not aware she is a Unicorn? A group who refer to themselves as the most shiny special ones in their year, or whatever? A group whose entire raison d’etre is arrogance, shallowness and purple fuzzy unicorns?
And here’s a classic example: the Unicorns still haven’t decided on the potion recipe, but they have ordered some little glass bottles, and are going to pick up their costumes. Tim and Mary walked home together, but he talked about average points per game, and Major Mercy. Mary declares him “OK”. A love for the ages. Their costumes are apparently great, but there’s no description, aside from Lila’s being purple, Mary’s green and Mandy’s having a turban.
Elizabeth finishes up the carnival edition of the Sixers. Peter is helping. Apparently ever since Mary started going out with Tim, Peter hasn’t been the same. Peter is helping with the science club booth tomorrow, which is an erupting volcano. He says “Our orders are to avoid death and destruction.” Oh, Peter. If only you’d been coherent around Mary.
The Unicorns attempt cookery. Mary suggests a fruit juice base, and then add “some things” to it. Like what, Mary? “a tiny bit of syrup to make it thicker, and some spices, maybe.” Hey, thanks! Janet starts making one, but completely fails to look at what she’s putting in. Predictably, in goes the garlic powder. Belinda tries cherry-grape soda, lime jello powder and HALF A BOTTLE of vanilla essence. No. Ellen has a mishap with a box of baking soda, which was hugely entertaining, I assure you. They eventually use a cookbook. (Note: they had looked in a cookbook before. Under “love potion”.) They settle on pineapple punch, coloured purple.
For those of you who want to follow along at home, the recipe consists of tea, lemon juice, orange juice, sugar, pineapple juice, ginger ale and soda water. I have never heard of a punch with tea in it.
The day of the carnival. Lila picks everyone up in her dad’s limo. He was worried about all the little bottles breaking, so a limo would help. Jessica announces that Elizabeth will be helping Mr Bowman with the raffle draw, so Jessica will know who won before everyone else. Does Mr Bowman really need help with a raffle?
The Unicorns set up their booth, near the concessions stands. Other booths are the football team, selling chocolate footballs (presumably not actual size), the soccer team raffling tickets to a game, the chess club offering a computer chess game you can try and beat. Not a great booth idea. Dull, and will probably take forever.
Inexplicably, the Unicorns booth is hugely popular. Tim buys three bottles and manages to look like a jerk doing it. Tim probably sleeps like a jerk too. Mary is unimpressed: “I think he cares more about himself than anyone else.” Lila flipped her brown hair over her shoulder. “What’s wrong with that?”
Ah, Lila.
Jessica refers to Peter as Puppy Love Burns, a nickname which tries way too hard. Fetch will never catch on, Jessica! Not even in Europe!
Elizabeth sells the newspaper. Isn’t the carnival wonderful? Peter drops by, and mutters something about buying a raffle ticket, because “I can dream, can’t I?” Yes, but the beauty of dreaming is that, as Blondie once said, dreaming is free. Rather than paying for a ticket which you won’t want if you win, thus losing either way.
Jessica sees Peter wandering around. She comments that hey, he looks like someone who needs a love potion! Jessica calls out to Peter, who is rather reluctant. He doesn’t believe in all that stuff. Janet and Tamara chime in, offering him a full refund if it doesn’t work. But they’ve completely sold out - never fear. Jessica can whip up a new batch in fifteen minutes… She even blags that it’s a family recipe, and how her father met her mother. Well, that’s what happened with Voldemort, and we all know how that turned out. Peter agrees, because “it’s for a good cause”. All Peter’s scientific rationalist viewpoints fly straight out of the window. Richard Dawkins would be appalled.
Here is a moment where I really really hate Jessica. She’s going to make Peter a special potion, full of crap, because Peter has committed the crimes of being a bit gawkish, and liking a friend of hers. The only person less deserving of this is fat lois.
After the charity basketball match, Tim and Mary walk round the booths. Tim rambles on about how he should have been allowed to take the last shot instead of Todd, and how Todd is a total ball hog. I’m sure Elizabeth will be interested to know that. Predictably, Mary sees things differently. Tim is conceited! In case you’d forgotten.
They come up to the raffle booth. Tim goes to get something to drink, blaming the love potion for his thirst. Mary didn’t feel like pointing out that playing basketball for two hours probably had more to do with it than any love potion. You should, Mary.
She says hi to Peter and Mr Bowman, who are at the raffle booth. She notices Peter has bought a ticket, and correctly assumes this is for her. She makes polite conversation about wanting to win, and Peter makes the cryptic statement “things might turn out ok even if I don’t.” Has he seen how much of a conceited asshole Tim is and figured out he still has a chance? Yes. He’s a smart boy. He is in the science club after all. But when she presses Peter on it, he replies “Oh, never mind.” And walks off. Well! What does Mary think of this?
Mary felt like hitting Peter over the head with her sandal. How could he have gone from being so nice to being so cold in a week? He was acting as if he didn’t even want to talk to her. He obviously hadn’t liked her that much after all.
You fool, Mary! Mere weeks ago you were embarrassed by his attempts at niceness! You drove him away, got another boyfriend and now you’re hurt that he’s not fawning over you again? And you consider that to be fickle, rather than hurt? Blame lies on both sides here, and you need to talk to each other like adults. It’s like you’re both twelve years old!
No really, Mary’s sort of bugging me in this book. By the end, I think Peter could do a little better.
Tim brings Mary a soda, the only nice thing he’s ever done.
Jessica goes on her evil potion making. What if Peter has allergies? He is a nerd, after all. He’s almost guaranteed to have some sort of intolerance. Hopefully not in a prejudiced way. Anyway, she takes a used empty bottle and walks around the concession stands, because she has no money. She adds salsa from the Mexican food stand. Rationale: I’ll tell him that it’s hot because it’s a LOVE potion. Just imagine me rolling my eyes any time something like this is said. Yellow mustard from the hot dog booth. Root beer, from the soda her dad bought her. The potion is now grey, instead of purple. The Indian restaurant booth has a variety of sauces, so she adds them all in. That’s probably stuff like mango chutney, lime pickle, yoghurt and general curry sauces. Then she stops at the funnel cake stand and adds powdered sugar.
When Peter comes back, he looks “extremely hopeful”. Oh. This is so cruel. Jessica tells him to hold his nose when he drinks it, and that it’s supposed to taste bad. Like cough syrup.
He drinks it.
He immediately needs water, so Tamara hands him ice cubes. He then turns pale, then green, and then wavers on his feet. I’m not convinced that what is essentially a variety of condiments mixed with soda would have such an effect.
He walks off and everybody laughs. Ha ha ha.
Elizabeth draws the raffle winner. It is Peter. Who guessed that one?
Anyway, the winner won’t be announced until the following day.
Mary has stayed in watching TV. She didn’t go over to Lila’s house with everyone else because she feels sad and she doesn’t know why. I think everyone else knows why. Tim calls her to confirm the arrangements for their date to the picnic the next day. Mary has to get a ride to Tim’s house, because Tim’s dad says Mary’s house is too far away to drive to. Right. Tim hangs up because he’s getting ice cream with “the guys”. Mary thinks about how Peter would have asked her to come along and cheered her up. That’s because he ACTUALLY LIKED YOU. Shocking, I know, but when you start relationships with people who ACTUALLY LIKE YOU they do nice things for you.
Mary has a moment of revelation: Peter was really nice to me, and I was a jerk in return. Yes. Yes you were. She resolves to tell Peter how she feels tomorrow, counting on the fact that Tim will abandon her to play basketball with his friends. She even acknowledges that she shouldn’t have followed her friends’ advice.
Jessica bugs Elizabeth over who won the raffle. She pulls the whole ‘psychic twin’ thing, and tells Elizabeth to write it down on a napkin so she can visualize the name. Elizabeth, being a mug, falls for this. Jessica steals the napkin and reads Peter’s name. She is shocked! If only the Unicorns had told Mary to stick with Peter.
Jessica attempts restraint, but ends up calling Lila. She tells all.
Mary waits for Tim at his house. For fifteen minutes. Apparently he woke up late. Oh, and his dad can’t drive them. They have to ride bikes. Mary will have to ride his mother’s bike. Oh, that beautiful time in a young girl’s life when she’s asked to ride her date’s mother’s bike. The bike is too big for her, and Secca Lake, where the picnic is held, is a long way away. Tim speeds off ahead, and she gets a flat tyre. If you haven’t guessed, Tim is a complete dick. Mary blames the age of the bike, Tim claims she rode over something sharp. Mary is at the end of her tether. She should just end it now.
She ends up locking the bike to a lamppost and walking there. Tim cheerfully speeds off. Tim doesn’t even want a girlfriend. I bet his friends were pushing him into it too.
Mary gets to the lake. She finds Peter surrounded by her friends, who are all fawning over him. Jessica apologises for her evil potion, claiming she hadn’t noticed she’d put some of her dad’s extra extra hot barbecue sauce in it. Why would her dad even be carrying that around? So they’re justifying their interest in him through their fraudulent love potion. Mary gives a heartfelt apology. Peter blames the love potion, and she explains how it was just pineapple punch. Peter’s tasted mostly of tomato. She says they were probably playing a trick on him. Yeah, a mean nasty unnecessary trick. And yes, Peter did think he had a chance, as “I may not be the coolest guy in school, but I know a jerk when I see one.” He doesn’t think Mary is a jerk. But he does think Jessica is. I like Peter. I’m glad this is all ending well.
Mr Clark announces the winner of most money raised. The Unicorns win. They get a plaque. Lila mutters “A lousy plaque?” right into the microphone. And Peter wins and everyone is happy.
Peter approaches the Unicorns, and Jessica immediately panics, thinking he’s going to tell her off for the potion, or for the fawning, and Elizabeth will know she told everyone. Jessica has a lot to apologise for in this book. Peter, because he is the biggest person in all of Sweet Valley, gives Jessica his ticket so she can go with Mary. Peter wins at life.
The Unicorns sort of hate Jessica.
B Plot
The Wakefield siblings complain that Sundays is chore day. There is no day of rest at the Wakefield house. Steven boasts that he’ll be going to see Johnny Buck and they won’t, because it’s on a school night. It’s not like we’ve ever seen Alice and Ned be responsible parents. Letting them go out on a school night is the least of their problems. Steven doesn’t actually have tickets, but he doesn’t consider that a problem. He WILL get them, because his girlfriend loves Johnny Buck. (Cathy Connors, not Jill, thankfully). Jessica bets Steven a month’s worth of chores that she’ll get tickets and he won’t. It is on!
Elizabeth wakes up Jessica Monday morning - she’s overslept and today is the day the Sweet Valley Tribune announces how to win tickets. You fill in the form in the paper, and send it off. It’s a random draw. Steven has gone to Al’s Newsstand to get as many copies of the paper as possible, and Elizabeth has already swiped the house copy. Despite Elizabeth’s cool about the competition, she probably stayed awake all night in a state of cat-like readiness waiting for the paper boy. Jessica cycles to the newsstand and buys the last six copies of the paper. Although Jessica only just woke up, Steven is also at the newsstand, buying nine dollars worth of papers. That’s thirty copies. Steven is all AH HA HA HA YOUR PUNY SIX COPIES WILL NEVER COMPETE WITH MINE. Of course, seeing as the newspaper expects to have at least 1000 entrants ( two tickets per person), the different between nine and thirty … remains twenty-seven, but my point is you’re spitting in the ocean here. The Pacific ocean, natch.
Jessica has a plan of action to get a Johnny Buck ticket. It involves being super nice to the Unicorns who entered loads of times. It involves sucking up to everyone and playing waitress.
Steven finds out the Tribune received 25 000 entries in one day.
Mary is so worried about it she can’t eat lunch. It’s macaroni and cheese, Mary! Food of the gods!
Friday. The winners have been drawn, and will be given their tickets by special courier on Saturday.
Jessica sucks up some more by letting other people choose films. Lila chooses Sewer Rats From Hell. Most un-Lila film ever, but she knows what’s going on, so I’ll let it slide.
Saturday. Jessica sits at home, worrying about the tickets. A courier arrives at the door, with tickets for Wakefield… STEVEN Wakefield. Jessica’s world crashes down around her. How could she enter a contest and not win? This has never happened before! Steven is, of course, jubilant. He’s in row 24.
Elizabeth calls from Amy’s house - Amy won tickets too, for the seventh row. In your face Steven! Attentive readers will realise this means Jessica is cleaning the entire house by her house for a month. Ouch.
Mary has not won tickets. She is gutted
Steven accuses Jessica of stealing his tickets. She denies it, and says if she helps him find them, he has to give her one. Steven heads straight for Jessica’s room, but it’s such a tip he can barely get in the door. After rummaging through everything, Steven attempts to pry up her carpet. He relents. Steven gets Jessica’s locker number and combination - 212 and 24-13-22.
Steven still hasn’t found his tickets by some indeterminate time in the future. He agrees to Jessica’s deal. They plan to sort through each room of the house, retracing Steven’s steps. He remembers he put them in his jeans, which are in the laundry. They race down into the basement and switch off the washer. Jessica rummages around in the pockets of the jeans (apparently the Wakefields wash their clothes by garment type) but only finds the science quiz she failed last Thursday.
Steven STILL can’t find his tickets, with only four days to go. He realizes he hasn’t checked Elizabeth’s room, despite her having no reason to take them seeing as she has better seats than him.
Steven finds his tickets. They were in his geometry book. Ned cottons on to the fact that Steven hasn’t opened his geometry book in a week. He is grounded for the week, with the exception of the concert.
Everyone goes to the concert, and has a jolly good time.