SVH TV Episode 4.18: Swing Time
It's back to the fourth season today, for one reason and one reason only -- this episode is so booktastic. It's not based on any of the old-school plots per se, but it's got a ton of elements that I remember loving the books for, and that's good enough for me.
The other day, I realised that this could actually be a good show if they recast it with thirteen-year-olds, aimed it at nine-year-olds, and played it on the Disney Channel. It's just a bit of wacky fun. There's nothing inherently teenagery about it. Then, as though to mock me, they make this episode. If they were being honest, the title of it would be Sex: Who's Having It, and How Far Will People Go To Get It?
In the halls of Sweet Valley High, the newly-reconciled Todd and Elizabeth are chatting about some club they went to last night. There's no mention of anybody having to sneak in, so it must be an underage club, I guess. Liz bitches about how Todd spent the whole night dancing with his ex-girlfriend Renata, which is so a thing Todd would do. He does remind Liz that he asked her to dance and she refused, which, again, so a thing Liz would do. Character continuity is on show today, people.
Elizabeth hints that Todd must've gotten some 'private lessons' from Renata, which if I remember my Passive Aggressive Sexual Innuendo course correctly, is code for 'sexy sexing'. Todd does not catch on, and tells her that Renata could give her some lessons if she wants. Yeah, I bet he'd like that. He goes on to say, "You'll never believe all the moves she knows," which in English is pretty benign, but Liz is speaking in Passive Aggressive Sexual Innuendos today, and takes this very badly.
Todd, predictably, remains confused.
In the very same hallway, Jessica runs into chronic asshole Devon Whitelaw, and they exchange awkward hellos. Because...they kissed last episode?! Ew, they really -- ew, what? Ew! The two of them agree that they should never, ever be swapping spit under any circumstances, but they're completely unconvincing about it. Clearly Devon and Jessica are in wuv. I'm almost scared that I'm going to witness another JessLaw kiss in this episode, and I may not be able to handle it. I have a pain threshold too, you know.
At Casa Wakefield, Jessica and Lila are getting ready to head out to this club you've heard so much about from Liz and Todd. Apparently it's a swing club. Not a swingers club, although, with all this partner-swapping and sexy dancefloor encounters, I can see how you'd get that impression. No, this bunch of sixteen-year-olds is really, really jazzed on...well, jazz. They're dressed in their jazzy best and everything. Jessica explains to Lila she can't let Devon know how much she likes him, even though she had no problem with doing just that before he hooked up with her sister. Lila ominously tells her it's a bad idea, but Lila's there to look good, not to be listened to, so Jess ignores her.
She was probably distracted by her own appalling rigatoni hair.
It's swing time! I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe there is a successful club in the Sweet Valley area that caters exclusively to teenage jazz enthusiasts who have an inexplicable number of decade-appropriate outfits. Plus, they're not even playing Benny Goodman! How can you claim to be a swing club and not treat us to a little 'Sing, Sing, Sing?' Jessica spots Devon and immediately starts dancing with someone else to make him jealous. I can't imagine this ending any other way but in tears.
At the table next to Devon's, a random Italian guy named Marco Giovanni is telling an extra that he's a fashion photographer and he would like to take pictures of her. They might as well have called him Rapey Raperson. He gives the extra his card (ten bucks it says Marco Giovanni -- Completely Legitimate Photo-Taker Man) and then snickers to Devon, "Works every time." Oh, Marco Giovanni, you cartoonishly evil so-and-so. Devon does his best to ignore the creeper hanging out at a club where he knows teenage girls will be, and instead looks longingly at Jessica.
Why yes, this man seems completely trustworthy.
Marco Giovanni then goes up to Jess, gives her his card, and walks off. Jessica swoons, because she's incurably stupid. Devon comes over and tells her that the guy's a complete fraud, and she says, "But he has a card!" Yes, that's really what she says. Jessica assumes that Devon's jealous, and rubs his face in the fact that this handsome cad thinks she's sexy.
The winning argument, right here.
Elizabeth is hanging out with Cheryl and Enid when Jessica walks in with the news that Marco Giovanni wants her to pose for a calendar. Twelve whole months of Jessica Wakefield? No spank-you. Cheryl admits that the name does sound familiar, and Jess says, "You probably worked with him when you were a model. You know, before you became a has-been." Enid, meanwhile, just sits there and gets absolutely no lines.
Thus making it the best Enid scene ever.
Liz sheepishly follows Jessica into the bathroom because she wants to ask her something. Jess says that yes, of course she'll give Liz some beauty tips, but won't guarantee success because "you're four minutes older than me." Wow, they actually got a detail right. I'm so impressed. Naturally, Liz isn't fishing for beauty tips -- she wants to know if Renata ever talks about Todd. More specifically, having sex with Todd. She's convinced that the two of them Totally Did It when they were dating. Jessica, as you would expect, does nothing to dissuade Liz's angst.
Another night, another fun time at the swing club. What a bunch of crazy guys and dolls. After a heavy swing-dancing session, Lila says, "This is the closest I've ever come to sweating!" Jessica's there looking for Devon, but then sees Marco Giovanni and decides that her storyline will be stacks more fun if it goes this way.
Liz and Todd are on their way to the Moon Beach when they spot Renata. Renata invites Todd (and only Todd) to the club, right in front of Liz, as though that's a thing people do. Renata, please go away. You're forcing me to be on Team Liz, and that's not a team I want to be on, ever, especially when she's sex-angsting.
Todd demands to know why Liz has been acting so weird, and Liz asks him how far he went with Renata. Todd's answer? "Well, I took her to San Diego once, but that's because Sea World was running a two-for-one special." And really, that would have less to do with Renata and more to do with Todd's undying love for whales. Liz asks outright it Todd slept with Renata, and Todd decides that the best thing to do in this situation is plead the fifth. Doggone it, Todd.
Back at the club, Marco Giovanni is busy spiking Jessica's drink with what appears to be a sugar packet. And no, that's not an exaggeration. The dude is spiking Jessica's drink. Although did you know that roofie powder comes in handy little sachets? Something so needlessly evil could only have been made by Acme. Giovanni decides to toast Jessica's modelling career, and it has to be said that his accent goes from Super Mario Brothers to Legitimately Christopher Walken. Jessica, who apparently can't clink glasses without being a complete spazalaz, spills her drink. Marco Giovanni goes mental and exclaims that it was really expensive. Jessica was like, "Um, that was water, bro," not realising that he's clearly talking about his specially-ordered packets of crushed-up rape drugs.
"Gosh, I hope my sauce bottles full of orphan poison arrive soon!"
Naturally, he offers to buy Jessica another drink, because he came here to slip a mickey in a sixteen-year-old girl's mineral water, and that's just what he's going to do! Jessica decides that she's not thirsty after all, and starts talking his ear off about the Jessicalendar. Shockingly, I think this part is supposed to be played for laughs, as though Marco is some kind of Wile E. Coyote character being foiled by Jessica's Road Runner. If it were being narrated, we'd get an hilarious, "Ruh-roh! All Marco wanted was some non-consensual sex with a high school student, and now he has to listen to her talk! How wacky!" That can't be, though, because Jessica just averted a date rape situation by the skin of her teeth, and that's not ever funny.
Marco Giovanni tells Jess to come to his warehouse tomorrow where he can photograph her for the calendar, and the narrator in my head says, "Marco, that crazy guy, still thinks he can get some! Will his plan be a success, or will that harpy Jessica ruin it and start talking about herself again? Find out after these messages!"
"Meep meep!"
Back to the Moon Beach. Liz is freaking out, and Todd asks, "What makes you think I slept with Renata?" Um, offhand, Toddles? The fact that you refuse to deny it. Seriously, though, if he doesn't think it's any of her business, he should just TELL HER IT'S NOT ANY OF HER BUSINESS! Don't double-talk, because that screams 'guilty as all get-out.' Liz PG-13ly calls Renata a big ol' slutty slutbag (she actually calls her wild and flirty, but we all know what that means, ladies) and Todd decides that it's not enough to simply refuse to answer Liz's questions. He's going to stand up for the big ol' slutty slutbag and get mad at Liz for daring to judge her. Yup, okay. Way to sell 'innocent', Wilkins.
At school, Jessica announces to Lila that her modelling career officially begins today, and then sighs and says, "I already miss the days when I was friendly with the little, plain people." I love OTT Jess so freakin' much. She explains that she's going to Marco's studio after school, because "he wants to handle my modelling career." Devon overhears this and tells her that's not all Marco wants to handle. He doesn't think to try and warn her off the guy again, because that would require some effort or something.
"Instead I'll just stand here quietly, and hope for the best."
Liz, meanwhile, decides that her quest for the truth about Todd's virginity is not over yet. She goes to meet Renata, who says, "When I came to this country, he was my first" but then goes on to add that Todd was, is, and always will be in love with Liz. Liz decides to scratch that last part and focus on the 'he was my first' thing.
Jessica walks into the Moon Beach wearing a shirt/skirt combo that looks to be made from only the sluttiest of zebras. She orders a bottle of water and then pays for it in autographs. While I still can't work out why they've gone with the 'funny' angle when she's clearly about an hour away from some seriously bad tidings, I can't help but love it when Jess is like this.
Zoos, lock up your fashionably-printed animals! Actually, you should probably do that anyway.
After she leaves, Cheryl comes in and tells Winston what even Devon freakin' Whitelaw already knew -- that Marco Giovanni is a rapey fraudster. The conversation is brilliant:
Cheryl: "He poses as an photographer to get women."
Winston: "That works?"
Cheryl: "It's not funny. Last year, he attacked some girl, and she pressed charges."
Winston: "You're right. That's not funny."
THANK YOU, WINSTON! You heard it here first. Rape = funny, except when it's not. Anyway, Devon overhears their conversation, and rushes off to beat Marco Giovanni's face into flesh custard.
Meanwhile, at what will later be known as 'the crime scene,' Jessica is posing for Marco Giovanni. He tells her to lose the shirt, and when she refuses, he's all, "Fine. Just wear this thong bikini instead." Marco Giovanni, you are the patron saint of subtlety, you know that? He strokes her arm and tells her that she has a beautiful body, and Jessica actually says, "Get out of my personal space. NOW," and then knees him in the one place a fella really doesn't want to cop a knee. Way to go, Jessica! She goes to the door and finds it locked, and then Marco Giovanni grabs her and throws her onto one of his conveniently-placed beanbags.
Thankfully, Devon arrives. (Did I just type those words?) He busts the door down and rescues his fair maiden. Marco ditches the 'It's-a me, Christopher Walken' accent and tells Devon to buzz off, and Jessica looks horrified and asks him what happened to his accent. Devon explains that the guy's name is Mark, and he's from New Jersey. Jessica seems more upset by this than by the whole attempted-rape she was almost a victim of, so it's good to know where her priorities are.
"You mean the place where Snooki lives? WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ARE YOU?!"
In the street, right in front of the conveniently-labelled 'PHOTO STUDIO', Jessica and Devon discuss the days' events in order of priority, which means we get this:
Devon: "I'm sorry you're not going to be a supermodel."
Jessica: "Oh, I'm going to be a supermodel. Just not as soon as I thought."
No, come on, what the actual fuck? Why are we focusing on this, you guys? Jessica just got attacked by a pervert! Then Jessica thanks Devon for coming to her rescue by making out with him. It's yicky, but we all expected it would be.
The show is not cannon. The show is not cannon. Keep repeating it.
Todd is at the playground, shooting hoops. Liz comes along, sits on a nearby bench, and invites Todd to share his sexual history with her. Todd thinks that's a swell idea. Liz says she knows that Todd and Renata did the McNasty, and Todd says, "Liz, we didn't even come close!" Well, finally! We could have saved so much time. And capital lolz at poor Todd, perpetually stranded on first base. Liz is like, "But the big ol' slutty slutbag said that you were her first!" and Todd tells her that he was Renata's first American boyfriend (ever to be perpetually stranded on first base) and this makes Liz super happy because it means his thingy's not tainted with whatever sort of exotic STD she obviously thinks Renata has.
He does this during their serious conversation.
Liz apologises for overreacting and being jealous. Todd then asks her if she and Devon ever came close, and she says no, which I guess is a good thing since he's currently outside a rape studio macking on her sister. Todd admits that he always thought Liz would be his first, and then asks her if she wants to learn how to swing dance. Ha! As if that's anything but a Wildly Optimistic Sexual Innuendo! The two of them then go home to bang.
...Wait, no, they actually go swing dancing. I like to think that this scene is just them metaphorically swing dancing, like the train-and-tunnel scene at the end of North By Northwest. The real Liz and Todd are at home, making sweet love and being each other's firsts. That's how this episode ends, friends, and don't even try to tell me that doesn't make complete sense to you.
No teenage boy has ever been this excited about swing dancing.