SVH TV Episode 3.17: All Along the Water Tower
Today's return to recapping was inspired by one of my favourite terrible 80s/90s sitcoms, Head of the Class. An SVH book ( When Love Dies) turned up in the oddest of places -- in the hands of Eric, the show's leather-clad Zuko-lite. Don't believe me? See for yourselves.
This man would go on to direct Norbit.
True story, by the way. Eric from Simone-and-Eric grew up to become Brian Robbins, one third of the producing holy trinity that is Tollin/Robbins/Davola. (Smallville and One Tree Hill, anybody?) Freakin' Eric even directed Varsity Blues! And also Norbit. Can't stress that enough.
This episode has nothing to do with anything I've been rambling about, though. I just thought I'd save you the trip to IMDb.
And no, your LJ cut didn't lie. This is the episode featuring Days of Our Lives-era Jensen Ackles. What's that, Ackles? You thought we'd forgotten that you were on Days of Our Lives? My, you don't think very much of us, do you, ERIC BRADY?
He doesn't even bother showing up to Sami's weddings anymore.
In the halls of Sweet Valley High, Winston is finally making a move on Todd, asking him to have dinner with him tonight. You go, Winston. Todd tells him that he's asked Elizabeth out on a date, explaining that they've begun to be friends again, and he's trying to impress the corduroys off her by taking her to a fancy French restaurant. Winston, who just got through asking Todd on a date to eat fish sticks with him, silently curses his lack of classiness. He touches Todd's shoulder and says, "If it doesn't work out, come over for fish sticks." Winnie, babe, your desperation is showing.
You guys don't always have to be touching.
Meanwhile, Enid is getting ready to do the morning announcements, but not before telling Elizabeth about the great Rollins family reunion she's hosting. Please don't let this be the B-plot. The two get to talking, and Liz begins describing her perfect date. Too bad the microphone is on, and everyone can hear what she's saying over the loudspeaker. Liz disses a guy for having hair that's too perfect (?) and all the boys try to mess up their hair. Then Liz tells Enid (and the rest of the school) that she digs guys who are into sports, which, since when? We know she's been crushing on Whizzer Wilkins since way back when, but that was in spite of his athleticism, not because of it. In one of the classrooms, the jocks do a weird group high-five. It's a high-five orgy, is what it is.
They pose like this for an uncomfortably long time.
Elizabeth realises that the mic is on, and her list of turn-ons has spread around school faster than if she'd just uploaded them on Match.com. The sportos of Sweet Valley all compete for her attention in lame, hair-tousling, athletic ways. Enid's just excited that someone's listened to the morning announcements for the first time in the history of ever.
At Casa Wakefield, Jessica is reading a romance novel called Silos of Billings, Montana. Truly. I don't know where Billings, Montana is (Montana, probably) or what's going on with their silos, but Jessica seems very...how should I put this? Sensual? Aroused? As she's talking to Lila on the phone about how she wishes someone would sweep her off her feet, someone rings the doorbell. Oh there you are, foreshadowing! You don't need to ring the doorbell; we know you well enough for you to just Kramer your way into the house. Jessica runs to the door, probably hoping it's some Montana farmer, come to take her away to his sex silo. Guess who it really is! Guess!
Yes.
Jensen Ackles has arrived! He's playing a character named...something, probably. He more than likely has a name. Who cares, though -- it's Jensen Ackles! Jensen Ackles is a photojournalist for some outdoorsy magazine, and has come a' knocking at the Wakefield door trying to find some grain silos to photograph. (In suburbia?) Jessica decides that she is a fan of the Ackles and invites him in. I certainly hope Jensen Ackles does have a sex silo, somewhere, anywhere.
Todd and Winston are at the Moon Beach, discussing Liz. Todd's decided that it might not be such a good idea to ask her out after all. Hang on, how is Liz liking sportsmen a problem for him? He's Todd. Todd Wilkins. Since Ken Matthews decided not to grace TV!SVH with his presence (except that one time we'd rather forget), Todd is pretty much all you can get there, jock-wise. Maybe he thinks his hair is too perfect. Maybe that's the problem.
He has at least as much chance as this guy.
Liz and Jess are also at the Moon Beach with Enid, who is going on about the Rollins reunion as though that's something people ought to care about. Jess certainly doesn't. She complains that Enid's babbling is ruining the Jensen Ackles sex fantasy she's got playing in her head, and leaves to finish it somewhere else. In private, perhaps. Just sayin', that's not really something a lady does in public.
Liz couldn't care less about Enid's bullshit, either. She's got it in her head that Todd believes he's going to win her back without any effort at all, now that she's gone and told the world that she gets it up for the touch of the sporty kind. Todd comes over to her booth to ask her out, and Liz tells him no. Poor Toddles is crushed. Crushed!
Enid tells Liz that she'd be perfect for Cousin Wilbur, whose claim to fame is that he can hog-tie a cow in eight seconds flat. What a talented family the Rollinses must be. Liz claims to be a vegetarian, and I'm almost positive that this isn't canon in any SV incarnation. What happened to the Elizabeth Wakefield who eats burgers in every book but never puts on a pound? How is she going to gain all that college weight eating tofu and veggies?
The newly vegetarian Liz goes off somewhere with Enid, leaving her Sassy magazine behind. Winston, ever the stalky stalker, picks it up and sees that she was reading an article called 'What Women Really Want' and decides that this is exactly what Todd needs to win Liz back.
At school the next day, Todd walks down the hall and completely ignores Enid. It's kind-of weird for Enid to even be in this scene if Todd's just going to ignore her. She adds nothing. Winston pulls Todd into an empty classroom and shows him the secret weapon. Turns out that the article in the magazine had a quiz at the bottom, which Winston believes Liz filled out, despite Todd insisting that Liz would never read that crap, and--
Oh. Ohhh. I see where this is going. I see why Enid was in the hallway just now. Foreshadowing, really, you crept up on me this time. Todd dares contradict me; he believes that Liz did fill it out because "I recognise her check marks." Jeez Louise. He notes that she ticked something about wanting a guy to share his interests with her. Poor Toddles remembers that he doesn't have any interests, though, and Winston suggests that maybe basketball is the key to Liz's heart. Because it's not like she's shown absolutely zero interest in basketball up to this point or anything.
Back at Casa Wakefield, Liz is still hanging out with Enid. Please, no more of this storyline. Jensen Ackles showed up in Jessica's B-plot, and we haven't seen him since! The phone rings, and Liz picks it up. It's Bruce Patman, who I suppose is calling from boarding school in Guam. Apparently the news of Liz's turn-ons has made its way to Guam, because he asks her over (to Guam?) to watch him lift weights. I can't believe that this is the only mention of Bruce we get all season, and they've promptly forgotten all about the fact that they sent him to Guam. Liz complains to Enid that ever since she said that sports are sexy, all the athletes in school (and Guam) have been calling her up. Shut up with your pretty girl problems, Liz. Poor old dateless Enid laughs in this horrendously pathetic way, like she's ready to beat Liz's face in or something.
You can see how she'd get that urge.
The doorbell rings, and there's Todd. He's trying out the 'sharing his interests' play by inviting Liz to watch a Lakers game with him. As in, basketball. As in, sports basketball. As in, the one thing Liz doesn't want to hear about anymore. She slams the door in his face, which is a bit of a see-you-next-Tuesday thing to do, but hey, it's Liz. Todd is baffled.
Jessica comes downstairs and bitches about how all of Liz's would-be suitors filled up the tape in the answering machine. This is a problem, because Jess is expecting a phone call from Jensen Ackles. Liz tells Jess that she found a note on the windshield of the Jeep, which apparently also happened in Silos of Billings, Montana. Jessica excitedly tells Liz that it's from Jensen Ackles, and he wants to take her out on a picnic. That's a class act. Very Jensen Ackles. Jessica informs Liz that her book is actually happening around her, and Liz is more stumped by the fact that Jess is reading a book. Heh. Sometimes Liz uses her see-you-next-Tuesdayness for good, not evil.
Liz had to see it to believe it.
Cut straight to the romantic picnic. They're having it under the tree where Lila and the delivery man had their picnic in season one, and the fact that I recognise the tree from two seasons ago has to be one of the saddest things ever. Jensen Ackles serves lemon meringue pie from dessert (just like in the book!) and Jessica absolutely swoons. Honestly, though, Jensen Ackles is easily the cutest boy Jessica has conquered on the show thus far. He makes Jason David Frank look like a pile of puke. And you guys, the hair. The hair.
Pictured: My dream boyfriend, when I was nine.
It depresses me so that by the time I was old enough to actually date a real-life boy, this style had fallen by the wayside and been replaced by the spiky, gelled-to-high-heaven, frosted-tipped look, for which I blame 'Nsync. Nobody wants to run their fingers through half a bottle of hair gel, Lance Bass. Nobody.
Oh, here we go, another meeting of the What Women Want Club. The next ticked box in the quiz is assertiveness, so Todd decides to show Liz who's boss. He does mention that none of these answers sound particularly Elizabethan, because foreshadowing doesn't lie. Todd decides to take over Enid's morning announcements and order Liz to meet him by his locker. Hint: the assertive approach does not impress her one little bit. Todd Wilkins, meet Square One. Square One, Todd Wilkins.
Jensen Ackles drops by the Wakefield house the next day to show Jessica some photos he took from their picnic. She's disappointed that he got them developed at Quickee Photo instead of doing it himself, since he's a professional photographer and everything. Worse still, the pictures are all out of focus. Jensen Ackles tells her that every artist has his own style, and evidently Jensen Ackles's style is 'blurry greyness.' He invites Jess to a party where they'll "dance all night," and Jess is downtrodden, because there are no parties or dancing in her book. Apparently Billings, Montana is the second coming of that town in Footloose. She begins to suspect that Jensen Ackles might not be the man of her dreams after all, even though he's Jensen Ackles and how could he not be?
Oh, Jensen Ackles, you walking advertisement for Tiger Beat you.
Segue: Every once in a while, Jensen Ackles flips his flippy hair out of his eyes by flipping his head backwards, all flippy-like. It could not be hotter. It's the man-hair equivalent of Cindy Crawford tossing her tresses all over the place in that Pepsi commercial my brother bookmarked on YouTube. Yummers, Ackles. Yummers.
More A-plot. Todd is moping at the Moon Beach about his failed attempts to score Elizabeth, when Enid drops by with entirely too many Rollinses in tow. They're baffled by things like vinyl and fish sticks. The scriptwriters aren't even trying anymore. At one point, Winston attempts to consult the all-knowing Sassy magazine for more tips on wooing females, and Todd remembers that he's Todd Wilkins, King of Destruction, and rips up the magazine. Poor old Sassy never even saw it coming.
You don't want to know what he did to his Kindle.
Liz, meanwhile, is getting dressed for the Rollins family hoedown she promised Enid she'd go to. She's wearing a dress I can only described as something Dorothy Gale would've worn, had Dorothy Gale been a giant prude. If Liz goes around town wearing that gingham delight, that too-many-popular-guys-calling-her thing won't be a problem anymore. Jess comes in and makes fun of Liz's dress, the Rollins family, and hoedowns in general. She's thankful that Jensen Ackles is whisking here away on another Silos-style date.
Cut straight to Jess walking to the party with Jensen Ackles. She can hear live music playing, and she mutters something about live music not being in the book either. Jensen Ackles casually mentions that he loves Silos of Billings, Montana, which Jess finds slightly odd. Turns out that this 'party' Jensen Ackles is taking her to? The Rollins family hoedown. Enid spots them and immediately hugs Jensen Ackles, and once my eyes get over the fact that they've just seen Enid Rollins hugging Jensen Ackles, I can explain that Jensen Ackles's character really wasn't given a name, not until now. Because surprise, surprise -- he's one of Enid's cousins! Haha. I actually like that plot twist.
A perfect reaction to a hug that should never have been.
Enid tells Jensen Ackles to go see Aunt Gertie, and he says, "Aunt Gertie's here? And they said she'd never make parole!" Damn, this episode just got funny out of nowhere. Enid watches him walk away in what I must say is quite a creepy way, considering they're related. She explains to Jessica that when Jensen Ackles reads a book, Jensen Ackles freakin' reads a book. The reason she's been living Silos is because he's been living it, on purpose. Enid also mentions that after he read Interview with the Vampire, he filed his teeth into points and slept upside-down. That's commitment right there, Jensen Ackles. Commitment and insanity.
Liz goes to the Moon Beach in her country finest to pick up some condiments for the hoedown. She sees the worse-for-wear Sassy magazine Winston's still keeping in his back pocket, probably because it's a reminder of Toddles and his brute strength. Winston admits that Todd had been using her quiz answers to try and win her heart, and she tells us what our friend foreshadowing told us several scenes ago -- it's not her magazine. She skedaddles off to meet up with Enid.
Jessica's still stuck at the hoedown, being whirled around against her will by a bunch of Rollinses. Guess that once Jensen Ackles revealed himself to be Enid's kin, Jess lost interest completely. It's like she doesn't even care about his flippy hair! Liz arrives with the condiments, and tells Enid that she needs to go find Todd. But what's this -- Todd has found her! He's climbed up the water tower! Liz is so self-involved, she actually believes that Todd's going to kill himself because she didn't return his affections. Holy hell. But no, Todd's just got a banner that reads, 'I love you, Liz. Can we start over?' I guess the insurance for that kind of stunt wasn't in the show's budget, since we don't actually get any shots of Todd atop the water tower, just an ADR'd joke about how he can't get back down.
Bet he thought about jumping when he saw her dress.
While all this is going on, Jess escapes the Rollins family and calls Lila to send a limo to pick her up. A limo does arrive shortly after, but is it Lila's..?
At the Moon Beach, Enid is talking to a bunch of strangers about how well the hoedown went, despite everyone getting food poisoning from Winston's fish sticks. The other patrons promptly spit out their food and leave, which does not impress Winston. Jessica comes in wearing a bedazzled cowboy hat and mentions that she's just met the dreamiest guy named Will, who's a ranch owner and has a limo. Enid's like, "Oh hey, that's Cousin Wilbur!" Poor Jess can't catch a break today. All the good ones are related to Enid in some way, even Jensen freakin' Ackles.
Cut to Todd and Liz, who are talking out their problems like rational human beings. Yes, really. There's no punching, no whining, no passive-aggressive Lizness. Just soft lighting, romantic music and, of course, gingham. They decide to kiss and make up, with a sweeping shot upwards to the water tower, where we finally see Todd's sign.
Which is missing a comma, like you knew it would be.
Oh, and the magazine? Belonged to Jessica. Evidently foreshadowing does lie, so don't ever let it tell you it doesn't.
Well, that was a sweet episode, certainly worth the time it took to recap it. I actually handwrote this at work, praying that nobody would come into my office unannounced and ask me why I was writing about flippy hair and Tiger Beat magazine on the back of my no-longer-required work documents. (To which I would have responded, "Because recycling." I'm a girl with a backup plan.)
Recycling! You're welcome, the environment.