SVH TV Episode 4.10: West Coast Story Part 2
Previously on Sweet Valley High: Sweet Valley and Palisades Big Mesa began their High School War. Jessica started dating Christian Gorman, the leader of the Big Mesa gang. Elizabeth continued to date Devon Whitelaw, who last week went all Lima Heights Adjacent on a BM guy who messed with his motorbike. Meanwhile, Todd went all Lima Heights Adjacent on absolutely everyone in sight, especially Christian, and got carted off to the big house. Also, we were introduced to a tertiary character who looked like Brad Pitt. I named him Brad Pitt, and I only mention this now because it feels like a good segue for a Brad Pitt screencap.
So worth it.
The episode begins with Todd, Brad Pitt, Nameless Jock and a few others complaining about how they're being forced to do community service for their part in last week's fight. Brad Pitt concedes that at least they didn't wind up in jail, and Nameless Jock is a little disappointed, because they give you free food in jail. With priorities like that, I'm putting my money on Big Mesa in any subsequent fights. Also, Nameless Jock? You're starting to get a little odd. Just thought I should warn you.
Todd tells the gang that they're going to challenge Big Mesa to a fair fight, and then enlists the help of all the guys he can find nearby, including Winston and Manny. Part of me understands Winston, but Manny? He'd have to stand on his tippy-toes to kiss Tom Thumb; the little guy would be next to useless in a brawl! Todd also conscripts a random nerd, who tries to use a death-grip on Todd to prove his strength. Hilariously, it works. (Sort-of. There's no death, but he does fall down.)
Brad Pitt endeth the lesson by announcing, "I can't wait to crush those punks from Big Mesa!" so we know that he's just as loco as last week. Chrome Dome Cooper comes by and, hearing all the death threats and general rage going on, tells the boys that anyone caught inciting violence will be expelled. All the guys look angry, except for Nameless Jock, who puts his arm around Todd and tells him, "I love you, man." For absolutely no reason. No, seriously, I have no explanation for that. Did that really happen? Even Winston's more stealth about his Todd-love than that, Nameless Jock. Come the hell on now.
You think Todd would be less surprised that people keep doing this to him.
That night, Elizabeth and Devon are sitting on a blanket, gazing up at the stars. It's all happy and lovey-dovey, until Liz has to bring up that fucking school rivalry again. There's not even a segue. It's as though while they're sucking face, Liz is randomly thinking about how long the rivalry will last. Devon's like, "How the fuck should I know?" and then mentions that his involvement is over -- he pummelled the guy who trashed his motorbike, so he's happy. We get this classic exchange:
Liz: "How can you be so insensitive? The guy is still in the hospital!"
Devon: "So? My bike is still in the shop!"
Anyway, Liz seems less than impressed, and there shall be no more stargazing and necking tonight. Sorry, Devon. The crazy psycho bit is only hot when Todd and Brad Pitt do it.
You just don't have the bone structure for it, love.
Jessica, who last week was horrified to find her new boyfriend Christian beating up her sister's old boyfriend Todd, is sitting in a car with her punch-happy beau, eating take-out and generally acting like Christian's done nothing wrong. The only thing she seems pissed about is the fact that Christian didn't tell her in advance that he was part of his school's plot to beat the crap out of Todd. Christian offers no explanation for this, or anything really. He apologises for them having to sneak around now, and Jessica's actually fairly happy with the whole deal -- after all, this is how Billy and Alison got their start on Melrose Place! Ah, Sweet Valley logic. You never fail to surprise me.
One other thing I'd like to specifically mention is that Christian has this habit of pronouncing Jessica's name Jess-ca, like he's straight out of Laguna Beach or something. Learn to annunciate, Gorman, jeez.
Goody gumdrops, a Manny/Enid scene. She tickle-tortures him into admitting that he's going to fight Big Mesa with the big boys. Not a happy Enid. Just then, Jessica walks into the classroom, and everyone starts whispering and giving her sideways glances. Todd, who's never been one for whispering or, you know, subtlety, tells Jess to go back to Big Mesa with her boyfriend. Snap, Toddles. Suh-nap.
On the blackboard, somebody's written 'Jessica Wakefield Is A Traiter' (my money's on Todd), and the teacher, aka Miss Meanest Teacher In The World, corrects the vandal's spelling and leaves the message up on the board. I'm guessing this teacher isn't Ms. Dalton, as I'm sure her own brush with blackboard libel would have made her a little more sympathetic.
At lunch, Jessica goes to sit down with Lila and a smattering of random popular girls. The popular girls get up immediately, and Lila says, "Going out with the leader of Big Mesa? No one's made a decision that bad since Luke Perry cut off his sideburns!" Wow, you guys. First a Melrose Place reference and now Beverly Hills 90210? I love this so hard.
Time for cheerleading practice. Jessica attempts to get the girls revved up for cheering or whatever, but Amy Sutton -- yes, Amy Sutton! -- tells her that everyone knows she's going out with Christian. This, naturally, makes her a traiter traitor, and off the squad. The other cheerleaders dramatically rip the embroidered SVH letters off her sweater. Very poorly made, if you ask me. Torrance Shipman would have never stood for such shoddy craftsmanship.
An Amy Sutton screencap I'm sure you'll be disappointed by.
Oh, sweet. Manny's back. Huzzuh. Enid tells him that she's going to refrain from fulfilling her girlfriendly duties (read: kissing) as long as Manny's fighting the Big Mesa guys. I cannot believe that out of everybody, Enid's the one bringing the continuity from the books. This is as close as we get to Liz's 'we won't put out til you stop the violence' protest from A Kiss Before Dying.
Elizabeth, who I suppose was just standing in the corner while that was going on, says that she saw a side to Devon the other night that scared her, because come on! She just got rid of Todd, and now she's got a Toddplacement waiting for her at home. Speaking of Todd 1.0, Cheryl (who was also just standing in the corner while Manenid were doing their thang) suggests that Liz talk to him because she's the only person he'll listen to. Liz is like, "Hey you're right, everyone always listens to me! It shall be done!"
Meanwhile, the Big Mesa players are shooting hoops in the park when Jessica comes along. I'd like to note that while she's no longer in her cheerleading uniform, she is dressed in red and white. Nice touch, costumers. The Big Mesa guys are like, "Ew, Sweet Valley cooties!" Jessica explains to Christian that she's now a social outcast at school. Christian doesn't seem to really care that much...until his teammates run off and tell him to call them when he's ditched Jessica. Jess is all, "At least we've got each other," and Christian's all, "Um, about that..." and tells her that maybe they should cool it for a while. Because it'll be better for her. You're deplorable, Christian. I'll be disappointed if you don't die in a pool.
Jessica returns to the Wakefield house and gets a visit from Lila. Lila, who is so scared of being seen with Unpopular!Jess, tells her that she had to hurdle over Jess's shrubs just to get onto the property unnoticed. That is the power of Fowler love -- she will hurdle things for you. I bet she did a commando roll afterward. Jess tells Lila about the break-up, and Lila's like, "Great, we can be friends in public again!" Jessica decides that she's not giving up on Christian yet. After all, they've been soulmates for a whole week! Her grand plan -- transfer to Big Mesa.
Insanity, Jess. Big Mesa doesn't even have a Lila!
Back at school, Devon waits for Liz in the parking lot. He asks her to go for a ride with him and says, "We can...check out the stars," while looking her up and down all creepy-like. Ick, Devon. And also, you're dreaming. Liz tells him no, not because that was clearly an invitation to his in-the-pants party, but because she's seen his violent side and doesn't approve. Devon = mad, and even more violence-hungry now, so way to be counterintuitive, Liz.
Todd's running up and down the bleachers when Liz comes by, asking to talk to him. He turns around and yells, "Can't you see I'm training?" I gotta say, it always makes me laugh when Todd yells things that normal people just say. Note that he's still got those nice shiners from the parking lot brawl. He tells Liz that he's no longer hers to worry about, which is serious logic coming from the last person you'd expect.
I bet you were hoping for some Lycra here.
Night-time. Christian is walking to his car when Brad Pitt, Nameless Jock and two others accost him and challenge him and his Big Mesa buddies to a fair fight. Brad Pitt adds, "No weapons," which breaks my heart. Makeshift-sword cockblocked again! Drats! This 'fair fight' challenge is actually rather faithful to the books as well, so we're doing much better than Part 1's terrible effort. Todd rushes in just as the boys finish issuing their challenge, because Elizabeth Wakefield asked him to pretty-please stop all the fussin' and-a feudin', and I'll be damned if he didn't take her seriously. It's too late, though -- Christian agrees to the rumble. Todd's like, "Damn. Oh well."
The night of the fight, the Sweet Valley guys covertly meet at the Moon Beach, but not before we fill our comedy quota for the episode by having Todd forget his own secret knock. Winston lines all the boys up and gives them top-secret information on the Big Mesa players, including someone named Crusher Colville who used to pick on him in grade school. Nameless Jock mentions that Crusher doesn't look so tough, and Winston says, "Well, she was back then." Oh, so the comedy's still going then, is it? I'll just wait over here, then, until you're ready to be serious.
Todd gets high and mighty and says that maybe they should think about ending the rivalry, and you know what happens next? It takes literally two lines from Brad Pitt for Toddles to do a complete 180, decide to be Hulk Todd again, and then throw in a death-threat for good measure. The best part is that the transition from this scene to the next is fire. Literally, fire.
Fire!
Liz comes home from school to find a bunch of messages from Devon on the answering machine. He's got the whole deathly-calm, opposite-of-Todd tone of voice happening, but that doesn't stop him from getting a bit scary and threaten-y. Liz ignores him some more, because that's what a healthy person does with their problems. They hide until said problem go away. Bonus points if said problem stated specifically on their answering machine that he doesn't like being ignored.
Jessica and Christian have a clandestine meeting in the park. She tells him of her plan to move to Big Mesa, and he reminds her how stupid and crazy that is, and did she even talk to her parents about it? Okay, that last one just was me thinking out loud. And granted, my knowledge on the subject of American Schools and Who Gets To Go To Them comes completely from that one episode of 90210 where we find out that Andrea doesn't live in West Beverly's district, but is this something you're allowed to just decide one day? Shouldn't you have to, like, talk to someone?
Back to the Moon Beach. Enid, Cheryl and Elizabeth are bitching about the rivalry again. Jeepers. Liz complains that she tried her darndest to smooth the situation over the St. Liz way (talking a lot) but Todd said it was too late to do anything. Jessica breezes in and says that she's solved the whole high school war problem, and Christian's going to talk to the Sweet Valley boys tonight. Everyone else is like, "Fabulous," but Liz seems a little pissed off that Jessica saved the day and not her. Which goes to show that letting boys feel you up at Miller's Point is a much easier way to get what you want than being a pushy cow.
This is news to Liz.
After going grocery shopping, Liz comes home to find Stalker!Devon on her doorstep. He tells her that he's been following her around, but can't understand why she won't return his calls. Really, Devon? Think long and hard now. Liz responds that it might have something to do with him putting that Big Mesa kid in the hospital and then bragging about it. She tells him that she doesn't like the way he handles his anger, and so Devon thinks the best way to reason with her after that it to grab her arm and stop her from going inside. Yep, that oughta do it, Chris Brown.
Just then, Jessica arrives with the rest of the shopping and asks Liz if she's okay in one of those "I know you're not but I don't want to escalate the situation any further" tones of voice. Jessica is so awesome sometimes. She pointedly mentions that "people will be here soon." Yeah, so fuck off with your stupid self, Devon, before the boys get here and you wind up with a face full o' Toddfist.
Devon asks what's going on, and Liz tells him there's a meeting at the Moon Beach to call off the war, and then they're having a peace party at Casa Wakefield afterwards. Which she does not invite him to. She slams the door in his face. Wow. Even Liz is managing some awesome in this episode now. Devon stands on the doorstep and decides that if he can't have Liz, then Sweet Valley can't have their truce, even though WHAT?! What does one thing have to do with the other?! Maybe he just doesn't want the peace party to go ahead without him.
Truce talk time. Manny, who I guess is Todd's lackey this evening, comes up to Todd and tells him that the Big Mesans are here. Todd says dramatically, "Show them in!" and Wilkins's will be done. Christian and Todd sit at a booth and stare each other down while the jocks crowd around them. I'd just like to point out that Brad Pitt has not once donned his letterman jacket in this episode. I like to think he's a little ashamed of peace-loving Todd. Either that, or he's answering my Bruce Patman prayers and has suddenly decided to fill the 'I'm not on the team; I just want to punch people' role in Bruce's absence.
This right here? Serious business.
At the Wakefield house, the girls have started the peace party without the boys. I'd like to mention that the crowd consists solely of Sweet Valley girls, which again, Liz, counterintuitive much? You don't understand what we're trying to do here, do you?
Jessica announces that Amy Sutton's going to let her come back to the cheerleading squad. In Jessica's excited words, "Now I can wear my scarlet letters again!" Haha, a legitimately funny line! Lila says thank goodness, because she ruined four pairs of shoes crawling through the Wakefields' garden while being Jess's secret friend. Aww, Lila. Cheryl reminds everyone why they're really here -- to celebrate the impending peace-time with the Big Mesa girls. Enid's all, "Thank God, because Manny's a hugger, not a fighter." The looks on Jessica and Lila's faces are priceless.
This should be your expression right now, too.
Meanwhile, in Geneva, Christian and Todd are agreeing to the terms of the truce. Things I Never In A Million Years Thought I'd See #137 -- Todd talking out his problems rationally whilst actively refraining from violence of any description. Truly, this is a kinder, gentler Toddles. His weapons are now his words, just like Liz, only Todd's are probably much more monosyllabic. And look, Todd and Christian even have notepads and pencils to make their peace treaty official. How adorable! Nothing could ruin this moment!
Just before the handshake, Devon walks in. On hey there, Moment-Ruiner. You're right on time. I thought I hated book you, but TV you is much worse. Devon reminds Todd that Christian organised his beating last week, and that he can't trust the Big Mesa guys. Then he reminds Christian that they're wussing out something fierce if they declare peace. He's using the old play-both-sides-against-each-other trick from every TV show ever, but with one little difference -- the feuding parties are in the same room. They're literally watching Devon do it, and they still fall for it! What a pack of morons!
A Big Mesa guy (whose name is BJ, and I try not to snicker) knocks over one of Winston's carefully-stacked bowls. It's plastic. It doesn't break. It doesn't even fall off the counter. As far as gauntlets go, this one's barely got any carry on it, but it's down, and it's on. Todd leaps out of the booth, back in full Todd mode, and announces that the fight is back on. Dammit, Devon, nice job breaking our brand new Todd! This is why we can't have nice things.
The credits roll over a screengrab of Devon looking smug and Todd looking for trouble. And you guys, I know this is crazy, but I'm actually pretty excited for next week's episode. I have to know how this rivalry ends, and also, whether someone beats the hell out of that shitbutt Devon. Please let that one happen, scriptwriters.
Seriously, look at that face. It needs to be bleeding.