SVH Super Edition: Winter Carnival
I've had this book for years but have never read it for some reason. I actually brought it to work with me, because Tuesdays are a particularly slow day where I work, and I have this nice little plan to start a classic novel every Tuesday. At some point, it went from "classic novel" to "just any book" to "pages with words on them," so that's how I ended up reading Winter Carnival.
Won't lie -- the title of this book is so misleading. Truly. I'm pretty sure it's the least winter-carnivally book to ever bear the title 'Winter Carnival.'
Elizabeth is walking home on the one rainy day a year Sweet Valley ever experiences. Because it's winter, even in the SV! Seems that Liz is experiencing what she calls the "winter blues" -- basically, she mopes for a bit about being a twin, and wonders why Jessica can't be a more considerate person. It all sort-of comes out of nowhere. It's a sad version of the "perfect size six" spiel, is what it is. I feel sad just reading it. Liz's winter blues are contagious.
Liz decides to stop emo-ing, and counts herself lucky that she has so many wonderful things in her life, like her boyfriend, who at present is Jeffrey French. Full disclosure: I never liked Jeffrey French. He's basically a blonde, neutered version of Todd. She thinks about the upcoming Sweet Valley High winter carnival at Mont Blanc Resort, which Steven's also going to for some reason, despite having graduated from high school long ago. Not only that, but there's some new trivia competition on a local TV station that Liz and Enid have entered! And they're just sure to win! Everything's coming up Elizabeth!
Jessica comes home and tells Liz that she too entered the trivia contest, and copied most of Liz's answers. The only difference is that they picked Jess to be on the TV show. Because Jess always wins. This is news to Liz, apparently, and her winter blues get even bluer. On the winter blues alert system, we're at code cobalt.
The next day, Liz is so dismayed about the trivia show thing, she forgets to pretend to be interested in whatever Enid's babbling on about this week. Enid even says, "I don't mean to be a bore, Liz." And yet you are, Enid, and yet you are. Oh, and holy shit -- there's a dance coming up, too. So to recap, that's a winter carnival, a trivia TV show and a dance. All we need now is a party. I'm assuming the dance will probably be at the winter carnival, but still. Sweet Valley High couldn't get more activites-y. I hope at some point, there's an ice-lake-push.
Enid goes on and on and on about how Winston wants to call the dance the Snow Ball, and I don't understand why that's funny. It seems very appropriate. It's a ball at the snow. Maybe Enid just doesn't get it. Liz asks if everyone has to dress as snowmen, and Enid responds with, "Huh-uh." Now I have no idea what that word is. Does that mean no? Or yes? Or is it a hiccup? Enid, why won't you say words right?!
Liz mentions that she's sharing a room at Mont Blanc with Enid, Olivia and Regina. As far as the SV timeline is concerned, we're at a point after Regina goes to Switzerland to have her hearing cured, but before she dies. She's not mentioned as being deaf right away either, which is sort-of odd to me. Don't they usually lead with that? Liz keeps calling her "special," though, and thinks about what a "special" time they'll have with her there. She's an odd duck, that Elizabeth Wakefield. Then she goes on for a while about all the cool activities they're going to do at Mont Blanc, including a mock olympics organised by Ken Matthews. Who is specifically described as being blonde. Like, out of nowhere. The ghostie apparently thinks Ken being blonde is a more important character trait than Regina being deaf.
Jesus Christ. Enid's just mentioned a party. Of course there's a party. Why stop at just a class (and Steven) trip, a TV show and a dance? All we need now is a cheerleading competition and we're set.
Oh, and apparently Todd's coming to the SVH winter carnival as well, even though HE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE! Todd goes to Vermont High now, or wherever. Fairmount or Fairview or something. We get some details on the Todd/Liz history, and on Jeffrey, the most important of which being that he's blonde too. Heaven help us.
Jessica, Lila and Amy come over to Enid and Liz's lunch table and talk about how their cheerleading squad got nominated for All-State. Oh no they didn't. They are not incorporating a blooding cheerleading competition into this book. I refuse to believe that. Anyway, Elizabeth gets jealous of Jessica again, especially her newfound friendship with Amy. Who is not described as being blonde, which is a nice change. Winter blues alert system -- headed on down to navy town.
At home, Jessica is praised for the amazing dinner she cooks (read: reheats) for the family. She tells Ned and Alice about her cheerleading victory, and all Liz can come up with is an honourable mention for an essay-writing competition. Then Jess one-ups that with talk of that trivia show thing, and mentions that one of the other contestants has gorgeous eyes -- "just like you, Daddy." Ugh. I never realised how oddly incestuous the Wakefields were when I was growing up. Jessica and Steven have the grossest brother-and-sister relationship ever, and she's always going on about how attractive Ned is. Ned her father Ned.
The next day, Elizabeth is at the Oracle office when Jeffrey walks in. Liz once again admires his blondeness. Then she admires her own blondeness. Maybe it's just because American History X was on TV the other night, but I have an odd feeling that Liz might sort-of be a neo-Nazi. She certainly does have an awful lot of affection for her fellow master-racers. Anyway, Jeffrey and Liz talk about soap for a while like, oh I don't know, the most boring couple ever, and then they plan a romantic date that involves Italian food and a bath. (For Liz. Jeffrey gets the cold shower.)
When Liz gets home, Jessica is nowhere to be found. Which means Liz has to skip her date in order to make the salad for dinner. Because...making salad is such a time-consuming activity? She can't do that and make her date with Jeffrey? It's an effing salad, Liz, not duck a l'orange. She calls Jeffrey to cancel, and he pays out Jessica about how selfish she is. Liz doesn't much like that, because it seems that's only okay when she does it.
Alice comes home to the meal (salad?) Liz made for dinner, and shows off a beautiful silver ski suit that she bought...for Jessica. There's nothing in the bag for Elizabeth. Fucking seriously, Alice? I wonder where Liz gets her inferiority complex from. Liz mopes that just once, she'd rather be silver Lycra than navy down. I, personally, would rather be navy down, because it just sounds so warm. Even the 'navy' part sounds warm, and hey -- it matches her mood on the winter blues alert system.
When Jess gets home, Liz marches into her room to confront her about the dinner thing. Jess is too preoccupied with thoughts of the winter carnival, and how Steven's going to be there. See? Creepy family. Liz yells at her for shirking her salad-making responsibilities and just generally being a selfish brat and dear God, why does she get to be silver lycra and not Liz?! Jessica tells her not to be mad anymore, so Liz...well, she sort-of just drops it.
At school the next day, Jessica and Amy (aka the Trivia Buffs) are showboating. As per usual. They're quizzing each other about the Guinness Book of World Records, which they find much more interesting than any actual useful books. Winston comes by and shows the girls how utterly screwed they are by asking a bunch of questions they don't know the answers to.
Jessica decides that she'll win the competition simply by whoring herself out -- she's going to "convince" an opposing team member, David (of Ned-eyes fame), to let her and Amy win on their date tonight. She thinks to herself that "she hadn't felt this way about a guy in a long time." Mmm, would we call a week and a half "a long time," Jessica? Would we?
That night, Jessica is trying to get ready for her date in peace when Elizabeth barges in and starts going on about babysitting Teddy Collins. Like, it's a really unnecessarily-detailed story that basically ends with, "I'm babysitting Teddy Collins." Then she tells Jess to take down some sort of phone message for her regarding Teddy, because she's playing tennis with Jeffrey before her adventures in babysitting. Then she makes fun of the vest Jess has picked to wear for the big date with ol' Ned-Eyes. And we think Jessica is the self-centred one. But alas, Ned-Eyes turns up for the date early. When the phone rings, Jessica hurriedly takes down the message and puts it in her purse instead of on the table. Because on a scale of one to important, little Teddy Collins is in the negative numbers. He's a child of divorce, for heavens' sake! In Sweet Valley, that's barely a person.
Date time. Jessica fails at eating sushi. Really doesn't surprise me. Then, when the big moment comes around, Ned-Eyes tells Jessica that he's not going to let her and Amy beat him on the trivia show, and she decides that he's a jerk. Afterwards, Jessica comes home to a fuming Elizabeth, who spent the whole night running around apologising to all the various players in her babysitting adventure because she missed the message. Liz lets fly at Jess again, and pretty much stays mad this time. Winter blues alert system -- a slightly darker shade of navy.
Cut to the next day. Jess is laying out by the pool, actively not giving a shit that Liz is mad at her. By the way, I find it very odd that Jessica's sunning herself in a book that's supposed to take place in the snow. I get that they're all happy little sun-kissed SoCal-ians, but seriously now. Get to the fucking snow.
Todd calls the Wakefield house from Vermont, and leaves a message for Elizabeth regarding some sort of PTA awards banquet that clashes with the first night of the winter carnival. (And the party!) Which means if Liz still wants to go to the banquet with him, she might not be able get to the snow until Saturday. Dammit, Todd! Way to delay my snow fun. You're not even in Sweet Valley, and you still manage to ruin my day.
Elizabeth and the gang are hanging out at the Dairi Burger when Jessica marches in, eager to pass on the message from Todd. Girlfriend's really on Team Toddles today, I tell ya. Jeffrey, who's sitting right there, gets all weirded out and demands to know why Liz made a date with Todd when they were supposed to be going to the carnival/party/dance/possible cheerleading competition together. She explains that it's an awards ceremony for a kid they both know, and she didn't know it was going to clash with the carnival/party/dance/possible cheerleading competition. Jeffrey's like, "I don't know if I buy that," and drives off like a stupid blonde douche who is not Todd, who will never be Todd, and oh God listen to me wanting a character to be more like Todd. I've become a monster.
The next morning, Elizabeth's in a foul mood, which is something new and different. Jessica breezes in and talks about a date she's going on with Ned-Eyes, despite his anti-cheating platform, and tells Liz how she's sure that she and Amy "can go to work on him and make him change his mind." You know what, Jess? I bet you that works. Liz confides in Jess about the whole Jeffrey thing. Jess asks if he's ever been possessive before, and Liz responds with "Never," even though I'm pretty sure that's a bold-faced lie. Jessica suggests that she distance herself from Jeffrey for a while, because "it never hurts to let a boy worry a little." Elizabeth thinks this is good advice. Um, Elizabeth? No. It's not. It's just not. He literally, literally told you last night that you made him feel insecure. Keeping him at arms' length without any warning isn't going to help that any.
There's a random picnic now. Holy St. Elsewhere, will we never get to the snow?! Fucking random picnics! Bill and Ken bring a frisbee though, which is kind-of awesome. It's not PartyCarnivalTriviaDanceCheer fun, but it passes the time. Elizabeth tells Enid about the Jeffrey sitch, and Enid disagrees with Jess's advice like a total legend. Go Enid. (For once.)
Jeffrey arrives at the random picnic, and Elizabeth thinks about how "she loved the way his hair glinted in the sunlight." That delightful blonde hair of his. He apologises for being a dickhole the night before, and Liz takes her Jessica pills and starts talking about how she and Todd will always share something special. Jeffrey's like, "Okay, let's talk about me, though," but she's having none of that. Jeffrey demands to know exactly how she feels about Todd, and she lies and says that she still cares about him. It's ridonculous. This whole thing is just blow-your-mind stupid. Liz does a Jessica pout and suggests they play a little frisbee, but Jeffrey turns into a six-year-old and is all, "No frisbee! I want a sandwich!" and marches away, up the hill, to have a sandwich.
It's Tuesday now, which means that the winter carnival is still three whole days away. This is such false advertising, ghostwriter. It's not even a super edition, really. Less is happening than in the regular books. Anyway, Enid and Elizabeth are in the cafeteria, talking about how Jeffrey hasn't called her since the pouty Todd-loving picnic incident. Liz decides that maybe she's messed thinks up. Ya think, Liz?
Liz goes to talk to Jeffrey and admits that she was lying about still liking Todd. We see the return of six-year-old Jeffrey, who's all, "If you love Todd so much, why don't you marry him?!" Liz is like, "Fine!" and Jeffrey's like, "Fine!" and nothing gets resolved and nobody goes to the snow and I BLOODY HATE THIS BOOK!
Later, Jeffrey leaves a note for Elizabeth telling her to meet him at some sort of canyon in the desert, and "if you don't come, I'll assume the worst." That...that she was eaten by coyotes, Jeffrey? Because that's pretty much the worst case scenario there. Are you sure that's not your plan, luring her into the desert and then being oh-so-shocked when your attack coyotes maul her? That sounds well within his capabilities. Liz decides to take her life into her own hands and head out to the canyon, so she asks Jess to bring the car back by four-thirty. Jess is like, "Whatevs."
Trivia show time. Ned-Eyes and his partner lose the tournament, and Blonde Squared over there win. Hmm. Guess Ned-Eyes finally caved. I do like that he rejected Jess's initial offer and held out for the threesome, though. That's negotiation right there, bitches. Everyone goes out for celebratory pizza, and Jessica forgets all about her promise to Elizabeth to bring the Fiat back.
Elizabeth? Freaks. The hell. Out. She calls the TV station, she calls Enid, she calls a cab company -- I swear she's thiiis close to calling Ghostbusters, too. Liz concedes that she has no way of getting to the canyon on time, and I just imagine poor old Jeffrey standing alone, tightly clutching the leashes of his attack coyotes, while a tumbleweed rolls sadly past as thought to mock him.
When Jessica finally gets home, Elizabeth is sitting in the dark waiting for her, presumably swirling her scotch and looking scornful. She reminds Jess about the car, and is all, "Welp, so much for me and Jeffrey being together," and blames Jessica for everything, even the existing problems in their relationship. She vows never to trust Jessica again, which actually sounds like a pretty good resolution to make, as far as resolutions go.
Jessica decides to hatch a plan to get Liz to forgive her. She calls Cara and tells her said plan -- she's going to find Todd as soon as he gets back to Sweet Valley and tell him to butt out of Liz's life. Because...this is Todd's fault somehow? He moved the evening of the PTA awards banquet? He had a fight with Jeffrey? He took the Fiat out for cheater pizza and left Liz transportation-less? I'm feeling mad sympathy for Toddles right now, and I don't know why. I guess I just miss him is all.
Todd's home! He, Winston and Jessica meet up at the Dairi Burger. (Winston's there because Todd's staying at his house, and probably for comic relief, also. That is his usual contribution.) Jess tells Todd that he's screwing up Jefflizabeth, and Todd says, "I'd hate to be the cause of any sort of trouble between them." Bull-frickety-shit, Toddles. You love trouble! You live for trouble! You want to murder Jeffrey's stupid face in, and you know it! Jessica thinks that "all Todd has to do is be a gentleman and quietly back out," which is totally possible because Todd Wilkins always takes the high road. As long as that high road leads into Punchy Town.
By the way, it's only Wednesday. And there's not much of this book left. I fear that we'll never get to the snow at this rate.
Liz goes to meet Todd, and it's somehow still Wednesday. Come on! This is not funny anymore, you guys! I want my snow adventures! Todd talks about Jeffrey for a bit, and tells her that the party up at Mont Blanc must be really important. She says, "It's not that big a deal," even though that's why I bought this book in the first place and it is a big deal and I hate just about everybody for delaying my snow adventures. Although, I do have to point out that this is the party we're talking about. Not the dance. There's a dance and a party, and they are two separate things. Liz probably isn't lying when she says it's not a big deal.
Todd insinuates that maybe the kid they're going to the banquet for might not want her there anyway, and they should just call the whole thing off. Heh. Even when Todd's trying to be the good guy, he's still a douche. Liz feels sad and unloved.
It's Friday! Huzzuh! Fucking finally, ghostwriter! But alas, it's Friday morning, which means we're still at school. Apparently Todd called last night and left a message with Alice telling Liz not to come to the banquet without actually talking to Liz herself. You're a prince, Toddles, an absolute prince among paupers. Speaking of paupers, Jessica decides to write Jeffrey a note pretending to be Liz, explaining away all the canyon confusion. Does this count as a twin switch? I want to say yes so I can use the tag, but I don't want to cheat the system. The note asks Jeffrey to meet Liz at the ski lodge, which I'm sure will be an important detail.
Jessica and Amy have time to go to the ski shop to get Amy a gold suit. And you know what else is gold? Amy's blonde, blonde hair, as the ghostie is quick to point out. It has been a few chapters since we've had an Aryan moment, isn't it? Apparently the winter carnival is only two hours away now, so I'm getting pretty damn excited. Jessica suddenly gets a horrible feeling that she and Amy might miss the bus, and she won't have time to tell Liz about the meet with Jeffrey. And if Jeffrey gets stood up twice...I don't even want to know. Maybe he's already prepared for that, and has ordered himself some attack huskies. After all, the coyotes really aren't climate-appropriate now that we're shifting the setting to the snow.
Amy and Jessica are driving like maniacs to the school. They're late, and the buses are leaving any second. Jessica concedes that they'll never make it in time, and gets Sandra Bacon (who's just there somehow?) to tell Elizabeth that she'll be driving up in the Fiat. Amy suggests that instead of rushing up there in the hopes of finding Liz, they should pull a twin switch and have Jessica meet up with Jeffrey herself. Yes, well, that's sure to work. I guess this means my indecision over whether or not to use the 'twin switch' tag has now been put to rest.
Aaaghh! We've arrived at the snow! Yippee! Before we can get to all the carnivals and dances and parties and cheerleading competitions, (the latter of which I'll admit isn't looking too likely anymore) Jessica has to go resolve this bullshit with Jeffrey. She marches up to him and does her best Elizabeth impersonation, and all looks to be right in JefflizabethLand once again. Jess spots someone names Chrissy Nolan coming towards them, who apparently is a huge gossip, and decides to get the hell out of there before anyone finds out what she's doing. I do like that there's someone in Sweet Valley named Chris Nolan. I feel like it really adds weight to the Bruce became Batman theory.
Elizabeth is in her room when who should come a-knockin' but Chrissy Nolan, looking to borrow someone's mascara. Apparently Chrissy doesn't know the twins particularly well. She asks Liz how she managed to get to her room to fast, because she just saw her in the ski lodge with Jeffrey. Liz assumes that he and Jessica are doing the dirty behind her back, even though why would they do that, Liz?! You just go ahead and trust this Chrissy Nolan person, even though we've never heard of her and she doesn't even know yours, your sister's or your boyfriend's names?
Elizabeth tells Ms. Dalton that she feels sick and needs to go home, so what does Ms. Dalton do? She gets Ken to drop her student, to which she has a duty of care, at some strange bus station so the bitch can Greyhound it home. This has got to be one of the most poorly thought-out school trips in the history of ever. First they just let random college guys and Vermont people come along, and now they're getting students to drop other students off at bus stations in the middle of nowhere at night by themselves? I wish there were a 'bad teachering' tag...
Ken offers to stay with Liz until the bus comes, because he's the only decent guy in this book. Seriously. Ken Matthews, in the entire seven words devoted to him this super edition, manages to set the moral bar for everyone else. He organises the olympics, he brings a frisbee to the random picnic, and he very actively doesn't leave tiny, vulnerable blonde girls by themselves in the dark of night in some grotty bus station. Ken Matthews, you win. Everything. You win it all. Seriously, take it. It's yours now.
Suddenly, Steven and Cara step off one of the buses and thank Liz for coming to meet them. She's like, "Fuck off, I'm going home," and boards the bus back to Sweet Valley. Because it's not enough that they made me wait fourteen chapters before we actually got to the snow. Now we're going right back where we started from.
Liz gets back to Sweet Valley, and immediately gets a call from Jessica. She tries to explain what happened with Jeffrey, but Liz doesn't want to hear it and hangs up on her. About an hour later, she gets another phone call -- this time, it's the police, telling her that Jessica's been badly injured in an horrific car accident. Oh noes! Who knew she'd have been safer catching that skeevy night bus?
As she's walking to the hospital, Todd happens by in a Camaro. I don't know whose Camaro it is, or why Todd's driving it around in the dark by himself when he's supposed to be at the banquet thing, but he's there and that's all you need to know. Liz explains that Jessica got in a car accident and she's headed to the hospital, and Todd's all, "Hop in," and together they drive to Fowler Memorial.
At the hospital, a doctor from the twin's childhood tells Liz that she needs to be brave...so she faints. Well done, Liz. When she comes to, Dr. Davis tells her that Jessica's dead. Wait, what? As in dead dead? Like, Regina dead? Maybe it's another doppelganger we've never heard of and will never hear from again. Dr. Davis gives Liz a tranquiliser (about freakin' time) and tells her that Jessica's last words were about how she loved her very much. So...it is Jessica? Wait. Oh, motherfucker. This is going to be a dream, isn't it?
Liz goes home, straight up to Jessica's room where she and Alice sob for a while. How long is this dream going to go for? Liz clutches a picture of Jessica and her cheer squad. Now she'll never make that cheerleading competition, on account of all the dead. Alice tells Liz to keep taking her tablets, and Liz suddenly gets paranoid and thinks her parents blame her for Jessica's death. Which -- I'll say it -- they probably do.
As a side note, colour me super pissed that we're giving up our snow adventures for a damn dream sequence. I hope Jessica got real banged up in that accident. That'll teach her twin to dream.
A dream-week passes. Jessica is still dream-dead. Enid's holding some sort of get-together at her house so everyone can be with Liz and Steven during this dreadful time. I don't know why they couldn't come over to the Wakefield house to do that, but okay. At Enid's, Liz is happy to see that all our favourite characters turned up -- Winston, Cara, Todd, Lila, Amy, Bruce, Roger, Regina and Olivia. Too bad for Regina and Olivia; their deaths won't be nearly as imaginary.
Suddenly, Jeffrey rocks up to comfort Elizabeth and start trouble with Todd. In that order. He tells Todd to back off, and Todd gets angry. Oh, please God yes. A dream Todd-punch? Would you really do that for me, ghostwriter, after all the bad things I've said about you and the even badder things I've wished upon you since I started reading this book? Unfortunately, the two of them just do the pre-fight shuffle -- Todd takes off his sweater and Todd-punches his own dream-fist a couple of times, and while I love the fact that I actually got to type a sentence like that, I don't think it counts enough to use the tag. I do like that Liz just killed off her own sister, but somehow the Jeffrey/Todd storyline is still where the party at. The fight for Liz's heart continues on bravely, even in the face of unspeakable dream-tragedy.
Then the dream starts to get more dream-like, and random, dreamy things start happening, like Enid rocking up in Jess's silver ski suit. Which, yuck. If Jess is silver lycra and Liz is navy down, Enid's like the stuff they make cat beds out of.
Elizabeth wakes up in her bed. Jeffrey and Jessica are there, I guess just watching her sleep? That's normal. Apparently they came down from Mont Blanc to make sure she was okay, and it really doesn't seem like Jessica was in any sort of accident at all. What?! I have no idea when the dream sequence began or ended. I assume the phone call from the police was the start of it, which means Ken Matthews is still awesome and chivalrous (and blonde) in real life, which is nice for him.
Everyone gathers in the living room, even Steven, who's just appeared out of nowhere in the last minutes or so. They go over the day's crazy events, and Liz explains the dream about Jessica dying and seeing Dr. Davis. Jess tells her that Dr. Davis moved to Arizona last year. That's the part of the story you're having trouble swallowing, Jessica? Not the 'you're dead' thing? Steven helpfully tells Liz that he's studying dreams in one of his classes this semester, and it sounds like she was having a guilt-related one. That's some serious brotherly love there, Steven. The girl who already feels terrible for killing off her sister in a dream is forced to feel guilty about real-life events because her brother tells her so. Everyone forgives one another, and they all decide to head back to the snow. Yaysies!
And we're back at the snow! Woo hoo! And Bruce Patman has shown up! Double woo hoo! He invites Liz and Jess to help him build the world's biggest snowman, which is so disgustingly un-Bruce, it almost brings me down a little. (The including-Liz-and-Jess thing, not the building-a-monster-snowman thing. That actually fits in nicely with what I know about Bruce Patman.) Todd and Jeffrey bury the hatchet and decide to go tobogganing together using garbage can lids. It's not nearly as fun as if they'd decided to fight with said garbage can lids, an activity I can only imagine would result in Todd having to dig a snow-grave.
The rest of the chapter is basically a recap of the carnival. As in, we miss the entire thing. Son. Of. A. Bitch. We get to witness the final relay race, though, and Todd and Jeffrey win. They're all like, "I love being your partner. You're so great. Let's be friends." And all it took was a fake tragedy that played out completely in Liz's mind for this attitude-180 to occur.
Then we get to the Snow Ball. One page of it, at least. Jeffrey gets the girl in the end, Todd's unusually calm, and I continue to hate this book forever. I mean, give me a break. A dance, a party, a TV show taping and a class trip, and we went with the dream sequence storyline, really, ghostie? You didn't have enough material with those four things? That whole dream debacle really gave me an indigo-grade case of the winter blues.