SVH TV Episode 3.07: Surfing the Nets
I'll say it -- this title makes me laugh, and you know why? Because we actually used to use the phrase 'surfing the net.' It was cool. It was maybe even rad. After all, surfing the net gave us access to the wonders that were AOL and Geocities and Ask Jeeves and...no, I'm pretty sure that's all the internet was back then. Maybe some porn. I don't know.
This episode is actually kind-of fun, too. The kids get up to all sorts of fun shenanigans again, and there's less Elizabeth/Todd/Stupid Rat-Faced Peter angst, which is something we should all be thankful for.
And for the gents: in one scene, Jessica literally wears two napkins.
LAST-MINUTE EDIT: So I just saw this week's episode of Glee and feel that it is my duty, on behalf of 1bruce1 , to give a shout-out to Brittany and Santana, who apparently like to make out while watching the Sweet Valley High TV show. The fact that the most popular program on television is using SVH as a favourite pastime for clandestine gay teenage lovers...well, it just explains an awful lot, doesn't it?
Our favourite Sweet Valley residents (read: everyone but Elizabeth) are hanging out at the Moon Beach, as per usual. Lila is showing Jessica and, bafflingly, Todd, her new shoes, which she also bought in six other colours. Because girlfriend's gotta match, yo! I understand this completely. Jessica spots a "hunk-o-rama" walking into the pool hall, and helpfully tells us that his name is Dylan. Because what else did we like in the nineties besides surfing the net and the word 'hunk'? Boys named Dylan.
Bonus points if he's tortured and artistic.
At the pool tables, Enid is telling another delightful story about her extended family. This one involves an uncle attempting to swallow a cue ball. Cheryl gets unnecessarily mad about this, even though I personally find it very helpful to learn about the Rollins family history of mental illness. It goes a long way towards diagnosing Enid herself.
Everyone suddenly decides to pay out Enid for talking about her endless parade of relatives, and Enid's like, "Well, what about Todd and his endless parade of sports knowledge?" This goes on for a while until the gang decides to partake in a little betsky -- they'll each give up one of their vices for two days, or else forfeit $25. Whomsoever goes the longest without cracking wins the money, unless they all fail, at which time Winston is declared the winner. For some reason. He's just like, "Yep, I'll take it," and nobody argues with him. So you can play along at home, here's what each character is giving up:
Jessica: flirting with boys, any boys, be they named Dylan or not.
Lila: shopping.
Enid: mindlessly chattering on about her oddly-named relatives.
Todd: mindlessly chattering on about sports.
Cheryl: being sarcastic.
Winston: nothing. Seriously, nothing. He has literally everything to gain and nothing to lose.
It does make my heart sink that the writers can't even come up with a character quirk for Winston to give up, especially since they could've made things interesting and had him put his creepy Todd crush on the backburner for a measly forty-eight hours. Oh, and speaking of crushes on Todd, I think I'm developing one. Don't try and exorcise me just yet -- he's gotten really hot in recent episodes, and as a bonus, he's turned the ol' psychosis down a few notches as well.
And he totally has the superhero stance down pat.
Less than a minute after making the pact, Lila is tempted to shop by some bitch who's talking about the earrings she bought from "Saksingdales." Don't even get me started. Jessica, the horrible whore she is, tells Lila that those earrings will look great with the seven pairs of shoes she bought that morning, and Lila cracks immediately. Which, seriously? Book Lila would not have cracked that easily. Book Lila has what we call 'determination.' TV Lila, however, hands her money over to Winston and heads to...ugh...Saksingdales to buy some ear bling. Winston creepily sniffs her money, and I change my mind -- Winston should've given up all of his stalky crushes. I can only imagine him rushing around the Moon Beach after closing to sniff all the things Todd has touched.
Winston's suddenly wishing he'd made everyone bet their panties.
At the real beach, Liz and her new boyfriend Peter (the one she cheated on Todd with) are frolicking around in the ocean when Liz trips on a fishing net. Peter tells her that some fishermen illegally cut their nets loose from their boats for reasons nobody explains to me. Why cut a net loose? Don't you need them for catching fishies? Are they disposable? If anyone with some knowledge of fishing can tell me why they'd do this, please fill me in. Peter says it's hard to catch the fishermen responsible...unless the net has a large tag with a serial number on it, which of course this one conveniently does.
Back at the Tribune offices (is Liz still doing her internship there?) Peter tells her that he just got the scoop on these fishing nets. It seems that "it's cheaper for the big companies to cut the nets loose than just fix them." Ah, okay, thank you. Peter, besides being generally useless and butt-fugly, has apparently picked up the exposition skills necessary for a life in Sweet Valley rather quickly. He also tells us that the net that tripped Liz up on the beach belongs to the Fish Out Of Water cannery, which in turn belongs to the Patman family. Because everything that goes wrong in Sweet Valley is somehow the Patmans' fault.
Liz wonders if Reggie, the stupidest Patman of all, knows about this, but Peter doesn't really give a shit. He's got big plans to write a front-page article, save the environment, bring down the Patman dynasty and other assorted delusions of grandeur. Liz is conflicted, because it's all well and good to take down a powerful money-hungry family, but not if you actually know them! I bet if Bruce was still the show's resident Patman, she wouldn't think twice about destroying his future empire. Good thing he's got the doughnut shop to fall back on.
(Now I just have to say, before we cut back to the far more entertaining B plot, Peter really needs to stop talking with his hands. Every word that comes out of his mouth is accompanied by an often irrelevant, vaguely erotic hand gesture. Deaf people are so confused right now.)
At school, Liz talks to Reggie about setting up a meeting with his father, the owner of the Fish Out Of Water cannery. Reggie's like, "Hells to the no, my father's terrifying!" and tells her that she and her Tribune buddies should write whatever they need to, but in his words, "Sorry Liz-ster. Nobody can ever tell my old man anything about his business."
"You see, Kay? It's not just me!"
Todd and a random jock walk down the hall, talking about basketball. Well, the random jock is. Todd is about to add to the conversation, when he remembers that he's got 25 buckeroos riding on him not talking sports. Instead he changes the subject at the last minute, grabbing the guy's shirt and saying in an hilarious voice, "Did you...did you get this shirt at the Gap?" Random Jock is less than impressed about Queer Eye for the Todd Guy snatching at his clothing and talking about shopping. Even poor Toddles is disgusted by his own actions. But he still has one fan -- me. Yeah, I know. I'm ill. My theory is that without Liz dragging him down to her level, the Toddster is actually rather appealing. And, unlike Peter, Todd doesn't wear sweater vests or makes weird 'fondling' hand gestures in everyday conversation.
Because what could this mean besides 'fondling?'
Before class, a typically nineties-looking new student stops Jessica to ask her a question about parking his Maserati in the school parking lot. Jessica resists his charms and refuses to flirt with him, but then his agent beeps him to say that he's late for a Calvin Klein photo shoot. But who cares about Calvin Klein? Certainly not this new kid -- he's having lunch on the set of Baywatch, and asks Jess if she'd like to join him. Jessica, who looks like she's about to throw up or at the very least keel over, shakes her head no. Lila's like, "I'll go!" Ha! Lila Fowler wins again, bitches!
Looks like she just caught a whiff of his hair gel.
After school, Enid's in her bedroom listening to the radio, when the host announces a new game -- How Wacky Is Your Family?! Of course that's their new game! Enid gets all excited at the thought of winning tickets to the Partridge Family reunion (of course she does) and is shocked when the host actually calls her! OF COURSE HE DOES! He asks her how wacky her family is, and all she can do is speak gibberish. Serious gibberish. We're talking reporter lady outside the Grammys gibberish. (Too soon?) By the way, I have to show you a screencap of Enid's room. It has the exact serial-stalker-in-training vibe you knew it would.
SEVERED CLOWN HEAD, PEOPLE! SEVERED CLOWN HEAD!
Cut straight to the radio studio, where Todd is watching on as the host of the show tells Enid that she lost the competition, but "welcome to our country!" Ha! Toddles set the whole thing up! Who the fracking frack knew he was so smart? Once off air, the host asks Todd if the SV basketball team's going to crush Big Mesa this week. Todd puts his fingers in his ear and sings, "La la la, I can't hear you! Laaaaa!" It's a lame gag that's been done a million times, but somehow Toddles still makes it funny. I actually laugh out loud at this, and my Todd crush swells slightly.
Marry me, you giant man. God, look at that head of hair...
Back at the beach, Reggie is surfing when he gets himself caught in one of Daddy Patman's cast-off nets. His buddy says that a couple of the other surfers have gotten caught in them as well, even though I'm pretty sure if you manage to get that tangled in a net while surfing, you're doing it wrong. Reggie decides that something must be done about this problem, and it's up to him and him alone to stop the evil corporation.
Todd, Jessica, Cheryl and Enid are hanging out at the Moon Beach. And by 'hanging out', I mean sitting there, staring at each other, not saying a word. Thankfully, we the viewers get to hear what they're thinking. Enid thinks about how manipulative and awful Jessica is, just like her uncle who convinced his son that the entire year had been a dream. Now that? Is awesome. If I ever manage to do this, I'll have considered my life a success. I just don't think anyone would be dumb enough to fall for it, 'cept maybe Todd. Who, by the way, is sitting at the table with his face all scrunched up, thinking, "Baaaasketball. Baaasketball!"
Clearly, it was Pull Your Ugliest Face Day on the set.
At the Wakefield house, Reggie is practising his speech to his father using a tie- and hat-clad surfboard. Liz comes by and tells him to drop all the surfie lingo, or his dad will never take him seriously. Reggie explains that his dad won't take him seriously anyway, and he doesn't want to be the one to have to confront the old bastard. Liz actually says, "He's your father. He raised you -- how bad can he be?" Elizabeth, my darling Elizabeth, if Reggie 'Call Me Shred' Patman is all you have to show for your parenting skills, Reginald Snr would've been better off casing him out into the ocean at birth and letting Ursula the sea witch raise him.
Although I'm not convinced that isn't what he did...
Liz hurries over to the tribune to tell Peter the good news -- she's finally landed an interview with RJ Patman! Yaysies for Liz and her connections! Peter's like, "Yeah, about that...I kinda just wrote the article without you." Liz tells him that it's not fair to write an article without investigating both sides, and Peter relents and gives her until five o'clock to get back to the office with her interview. How kind of you, Peter. You have all too much self-confidence for a guy who looks like a caveman Ted Mosby, and probably smells like nursing home.
Jessica's driving the Still In The Bet Gang to the movies, when Enid points out a bunch of people playing basketball. Toddles covers his eyes for dear life, and Jessica grabs his arm to make him watch. Which is stupid, because Todd's not banned from watching basketball. Anyway, Jessica rolls right through a stop sign just as a police car is driving by. She naturally decides to flirt her way out of the ticket, and bam, just like that, she's out of the running. I wouldn't be at all surprised if this guy's a friend of Todd's, too.
But alas, the cop recognises him (can Todd Wilkins really be this famous?) and asks him whether Sweet Valley's got a shot at the championship this year, and Toddles can't help but talk himself up. He realises that he's talking about basketball at the very last minute, so the reply ends up being, "Hey, if my three-pointers keep going in, we could go all the way to the...to the opera." The best part about it is, he actually thinks that's a good save. The look of pride on his face after he comes up with 'opera' is hysterical.
"Boom, Jessica. Toddles wins more often than Charlie Sheen."
Oh, and Cheryl is also sarcastic in this scene, so she's out of the bet, too. I guess Enid wins. Who the hell would've thought?
Reggie, dressed like a hobo clown, and Liz, dressed like Liz, go to visit RJ Patman, who we know is evil because he's smoking a cigar and talking on the phone about firing people. Also, we never get to see his face, and he talks in a odd, booming voice like the Great and Powerful Oz. Read: EVIL. Reggie tells his father about how the nets are "harshing" the ocean, and RJ says that it's just business and he wouldn't understand. Just like that, the music swells and Reggie tells his dad that he does understand, and that it's time RJ started taking responsibility for his company's actions. RJ says he'll give it some thought, I guess 'cause Reggie at least bothered to wear a tie today. I do find it ironic that this nature-killing bigshot looks, from behind at least, like he's being played by Ed Begley Junior.
This screencap makes me sad for some reason. Probably the blazer(s).
Enid triumphantly enters the Moon Beach, demanding her winnings from Winston. Before he can hand the cash over, she tells the gang that she almost knocked herself out of the running when they all did, because the cop was her uncle's bowling partner. Winston, that sneaky rogue, reveals that there are still two minutes left before the bet officially ends. Doesn't matter anyway, because Jessica grabs the cash and tells them that it's going straight to paying her traffic fine. Heh. I love that Jessica just makes up her own rules. Although I suppose it's a better option that Winston getting to keep the money because nobody was smart enough to argue with him over it.
Sweet Valley Beach again. People swimming, kids playing, birds doing whatever birds do (flying, I guess)...and a bunch of guys in matching Deadliest Catch garb pulling all the nets out of the ocean. Aww! Reggie saved the ocean! He's a regular Planeteer! Liz rushes up and hands him a copy of the Tribune, with her article about RJ cleaning up his act on the front page. She tells him that his speech saved the day, and Reggie actually looks a little chuffed. I hate Reggie so much more than words can accurately describe, but I like this scene. Damn a Sweet Valley episode with a happy, unsnarkable ending!
One more thing to snark: Reggie totally looks like post-meth Stephanie Tanner.
Well, that's it for this week. Colour me upset that the title ended up being yet another bad pun, and nobody surfed the net old-school. I was all for reliving some awesome nineties technology. Screw it; I'm off to watch 90210 and play Oregon Trail.