SVH TV Episode 2.21: Sam Kind Of Wonderful
I had this really bizarre dream last night that the Daniel twins worked at my local library, and we talked about how hot they look even at age 37. A trip to IMDB tells me that my subconscious was actually three years off, so I'm not sure what it says about me that my default number is now 37. Anyway, the dream inspired me to finish up with this damn second season of the tv series already, because holy shit is it lagging.
There's actually an unrecapped episode before this one, but I thought I'd get all this Sam business out of the way. It's not really a terrible storyline (ish), but the problem is that when SVH TV tries to be "serious", it becomes incredibly boring and hard to snark. Which means I'm falling back on the ol' screenplay idea from last time. Hope you don't mind, but it's the only way to make Sam arc even the least bit amusing.
Screencaps this time, too!
INT. SWEET VALLEY HIGH -- HALLWAY
LILA
Yay, the yearbooks are out. Let's
go around the group and see who won
each title in the class poll.
BRUCE
Big Man On Campus. Yay!
CHERYL
Most Sophisticated. Yay!
LILA
How did I not win that? Oh well,
I'm happy with my Bionic Spender
title, despite the fact that none
of the scriptwriters seem to know
what the word "bionic" means.
JESSICA
Flirtaholic. Yay!
ENID
Talks the Most, Says the Least.
Yay!
MANNY
Best Smile. Yay!
WINSTON
Most Likely To Move Back In With
His Parents?! Well, not yay.
TODD
Sexiest? Yay!
"Todd both surprised and flattered!"
ELIZABETH
Most Responsible? That's just a
fancy way of saying Most Boring!
WINSTON
Yeah, you'd think they'd give you
something cooler sounding. Even
Andrea Zuckerman won Most Likely To
Succeed.
ELIZABETH
Todd, do you think I'm too
responsible?
TODD
(looking into a mirror)
Huh? Oh. Liz take this too
seriously. Todd sexy.
BRUCE
You know, Liz, we can do everything
you do. It's just that we don't
have to, what with you organising
all of our lives for us.
ELIZABETH
Well, that's it. You, Manny and
Winston can organise everything
from now on, including the
conveniently timed prom. How do you
like them apples?
WINSTON
Sure.
MANNY
Fine by me.
BRUCE
Sounds like fun.
ELIZABETH
...Well, you'll come crawling back!
You'll miss me, you know.
WINSTON
Won't.
MANNY
Definitely not.
BRUCE
Don't hurry back.
ELIZABETH goes off somwhere and sulks.
INT. MOON BEACH -- POOL HALL
JESSICA
Hey Sam, let's play pool.
SAM
Only if we stop every ten seconds
to make out.
"It goes a little something like this."
JESSICA
Sounds good to me!
They make out profusely. TODD and LILA enter.
TODD
Hey Sam friend! Todd heard about
sponsor in Australia.
JESSICA
What sponsor in Australia?
SAM
No big deal, Jess. Some Australian
sponsor wants me to go to Australia
for some motorcross thing. It's
probably not going to happen, since
the last race I was in I didn't
even finish because someone got
stuck underneath his own bike.
TODD
Ha ha, Toddles fell.
SAM
Yes you did. Anyway, this is a
non-issue, Jess. Nobody's going to
Australia.
HELLOBRISVEGAS
Good. It's bad enough that you
Sweet Valley people fucked up
Europe for everyone; leave my
country alone.
Even without dialogue, Lila is still the best thing about this scene.
INT. SWEET VALLEY HIGH -- BATHROOM
CHERYL
Hi, Lila.
LILA
Hi, Cheryl. So you know how the
prom's coming up?
CHERYL
Yeah...
LILA
And we both don't have dates
because we find high school boys so
immature...
CHERYL
(increasingly more worried)
Yeah...
LILA
Well maybe we should form an
awesome club and go stag!
CHERYL
Phew! Yes, definitely. For a minute
there, I thought we were going to a
weird Todd/Winston place. Or a
weird Todd/Sam place.
HELLOBRISVEGAS
Note the common factor here.
LILA
Hey Enid, be part of our Stag Pack.
Surely you don't have a date.
ENID
Of course not! Stag Pack!
CHERYL
Hooray! Girl power!
Feminism and whatnot!
ENID walks out of the bathroom and runs into MANNY.
Literally two seconds after they all agreed to go stag to
the prom.
MANNY
Hey Enid, go to prom with me.
ENID
Okay!
LILA
Traitor bitch!
INT. SWEET VALLEY HIGH -- HALLWAY -- SAME DAY
ELIZABETH and TODD are walking down the hall.
ELIZABETH
Hey Todd, let's be irresponsible
and ditch class. We could go to the
park!
TODD
(grunts)
ELIZABETH
Yes, the park! The irresponsible
park! We could...we could...climb a
tree! A really
irresponsible-looking tree! Oh,
such wickedness!
TODD
Liz take class poll too seriously.
Nobody cares about class poll.
TODD opens his locker, only to have a bunch of presents and
stuffed animals from his many admirers fall out.
TODD
Except everyone. Todd sexy.
INT. WAKEFIELD HOUSE -- THAT NIGHT
ELIZABETH is in the living room with the world's worst prom
committee, aka WINSTON, BRUCE AND MANNY.
This just looks like a bad idea.
BRUCE
I have a lot of ideas for the prom.
Our theme could be "Salute to Wall
Street," and people can come
dressed as their favourite Fortune
500 companies.
This is BRUCE'S actual idea. God, I've missed him.
WINSTON
Manny and I also put forth some
equally obscure and ridiculous prom
ideas. None of them jungle, though.
ELIZABETH
This is going to be a disaster! Oh
well, have fun with that. I'm still
on my irresponsible kick.
WINSTON
Oh, did you end up cutting class to
climb that tree?
ELIZABETH
No. But I will. Just you wait.
She never does.
EXT. FOWLER CREST -- NIGHT
JESSICA and SAM are having a candlelit dinner. It's all very
fancy, which I guess is why they had to have it in LILA'S
backyard.
SAM
Wow, what a lovely dinner.
JESSICA
Thanks. Try the chicken; I made it
myself.
SAM
It sucks. Just kidding, it's
actually great. That was a joke.
JESSICA
Giggle giggle. You're so funny.
SAM
Seriously, though, it's a little
dry. You might want to think about
that next time you make me food.
JESSICA
Sure, hon.
SAM
Jessica, there's something I have
to tell you. Something important--
JESSICA
I love you.
SAM
...
JESSICA
Sam? Did you say you had to tell me
something? Not sure what it could
be, considering it's been like
three minutes since we had a
conversation about you moving to
Australia.
SAM
Um, nothing. It's nothing. I love
you too.
JESSICA
Aww.
SAM
Now get back in the kitchen and
make me a sandwich, woman.
INT. THE MOON BEACH -- THAT NIGHT
CHERYL and LILA are having fries or whatever kids do at the
Moon Beach.
LILA
I can't believe Enid bitched out on
the Stag Pack! Oh well, I guess
it'll just be the two of us.
CHERYL
Panic, panic! Does not compute! Hey
Bruce Patman, want to go to the
prom with me? I don't like being
around Lila for some ridiculous
reason, even though Lila's awesome
and literally everyone else likes
her.
LILA
Hey, that's my Bruce Patman!
This is why you don't make Lila Fowler angry.
1BRUCE1 COMMUNITY
Fuck you, Cheryl! You are just the
worst!
LILA
Now I'm the only one without a
date.
WINSTON
Not the only one. I suggested a
similar Stag Pack to Todd, but he
got all nervous and ran away.
LILA
Not going to the prom with you,
Winston. You are way too nerdy,
even though I entered a dance
competition with you and even made
out with you in a closet once.
WINSTON
That sounds like a yes to me! I'll
pick you up at seven.
INT. WAKEFIELD HOUSE -- NIGHTTIME
JESSICA is lounging around the living room, reading a
magazine, when TODD AND ELIZABETH enter.
ELIZABETH
Hi, Jess. Wow, you look happy.
Let's wreck that for you.
TODD
Woo hoo! Jess, Sam got Australian
sponsorship thingy.
JESSICA
No, he didn't. He told me he
didn't.
TODD
Sam turned it down. Sam want to
stay in Sweet Valley with Jessica.
JESSICA
Aww, that's so sweet. Liz, don't
you think that's sweet--
ELIZABETH
You're ruining his life!
JESSICA
Huh?
TODD
This heap good opportunity! Sam
throw away his future for horrible
slut!
JESSICA
I must talk to Sam!
INT. SAM'S GARAGE -- THE NEXT DAY
JESSICA
Sam, is it true that you got the
Australian sponsorship thing but
turned it down because you love me
so much?
SAM
Yep. Australia's not that great
anyway.
HELLOBRISVEGAS
Yes it is, Sam, not that you'll
ever know at this rate.
JESSICA
I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I
want you to stay. On the
other...wait, what am I thinking? I
want you to stay. That's all that
matters. I guess you're staying.
SAM
(while wistfully looking at a
map of Australia)
Yeah. It's fine. No really, I want
to stay here with you.
JESSICA
Swoon!
SAM
(suddenly wearing a cork hat
and holding a koala, sighing)
It's cool, Jess. I hate Australia.
Yep, hate it. Don't want a bar of
it.
INT. SWEET VALLEY HIGH -- HALLWAY
Another meeting of the world's worst prom committee.
MANNY
Hey you guys, I managed to get some
guy named Ronnie the Crazy Cajun to
play at the prom.
WINSTON
What instrument does he play?
MANNY
The sporks. 'Spork' is a funny word,
right? This is comedy?
BRUCE
(shrugs)
ELIZABETH
That's it. I've had my fill of
being irresponsible. I am once
again in charge of organising the
prom.
WINSTON
That's great, Liz! So what did you
do that was so irresponsible?
BRUCE
Yes, tell us of your adventures.
ELIZABETH
Oh, the time I had this week! You
wouldn't believe me if I told you!
BRUCE
So nothing?
ELIZABETH
Yep, basically. I thought about
climbing a tree once. Like, really
thought hard about it. It was
practically a done deal.
MANNY
Hmm. Good luck with that. We'll
still help you with prom stuff,
though--
ELIZABETH
Go far away, all of you.
They walk off somewhere. ELIZABETH finds TODD at his locker.
He's wearing a leather jacket.
TODD
Todd happy that Liz is boring
again.
ELIZABETH
I know what you mean. All that
crazy talk of tree-climbing had
everyone worried! I'm glad I
finally understand that the class
poll is not the end of the world.
TODD
Good.
(looking into the mirror and
preening)
Todd sexy.
ELIZABETH
Again with this?
TODD
Respect the sexy!
And don't mock the tiny, tiny mirror!
EXT. FOWLER CREST -- NIGHT
JESSICA and SAM seem to be at Fowler Crest again. Don't know
why they can't rendezvous at JESSICA'S house. LILA is
seriously the best friend ever.
JESSICA
Sam, I had a talk with Elizabeth.
SAM
That is never good. And why did we
have to come to Lila's house for
you to tell me that?
JESSICA
Shh. Anyway, I talked to Liz and I
understand now that you must go to
Australia.
SAM
No, but I love you!
JESSICA
I love you too, but we're talking
about your future here. There's no
reason for you to stay in Sweet
Valley.
SAM
But I love you!
JESSICA
Apart from that.
SAM
I won't go to Australia! I won't, I
won't, I won't! I lov--
JESSICA
Yes, you love me, we heard that
one! Is that seriously the only
argument you can think of?
SAM
Well, yeah. My life here's pretty
shit.
JESSICA
In that case...I don't love you,
Sam.
SAM
But you literally just said--
JESSICA
Sam, if I'm gonna be a
coke-addicted model-slash-actress
by the time I'm thirty, I need to
marry an Oliver Barrett, not a
Danny Zuko.
SAM
So you're breaking up with me
because I'm too...mechanic-y?
JESSICA
And because you're not Ryan O'Neal
enough.
SAM
I don't understand!
JESSICA
I hate you! You're beneath me!
Other miscellaneous hurtful things
that will convince you that I don't
love you!
And bitchface. Don't forget the bitchface.
SAM
Fine! If that's the way you really
feel, then there's no reason for me
to stay here! I'm going to
Australia!
JESSICA
Fine!
SAM
Fine!
Storms off somewhere. You'd think LILA or her family would
be annoyed by all this yelling and screaming going on in
their backyard, but they're not.
JESSICA
(to herself)
Oh, how sad it is that I had to hurt
the one I love in order to save him!
This is, like, so Shakespearean or
whatever.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Don't put this on me.
INT. THE PROM -- DECIDEDLY NON-JUNGLE
CHERYL
Yeah! Time for the prom!
HELLOBRISVEGAS
Cheryl, if you ever speak again,
I'm going straight Todd on your
stupid Bruce-stealing face.
WINSTON
How sweet it is to be Lila's date.
LILA
Let's be clear -- I'm only here
with you because that's the way the
numbers worked. And because
Cheryl's a whore.
MANNY
Enid, I'm so tongue-tied around
you.
ENID
Speaking of tongues...
They make out.
EVERYONE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET
Ewwww! Stop that right now!
TODD and ELIZABETH arrive.
ELIZABETH
Ah, the prom. Nothing could wreck
this, except maybe my boyfriend
inexplicably taking fashion cues
from Jon Cryer in Pretty in Pink.
Try a little tenderness, Toddles.
TODD
Todd mad. Todd didn't win prom
king.
ELIZABETH
Todd, your ego is out of control!
TODD
But Todd sexy!
ELIZABETH
Will you stop saying that? Everyone
here thinks you're a douche. That's
why they're all staring at you.
TODD
They stare at Todd's sexy!
ELIZABETH
They are not staring at your sexy!
Pretty sure they're staring 'cause
you're wearing sunglasses inside
at night, Kanye.
TODD
Todd sorry. Todd won't be douchebag
anymore. Todd have some punch
instead. Ha ha, it's Todd punch!
ELIZABETH
Are you drunk or something?
TODD
Getting there.
CHERYL, that whore, brings all the non-Wakefield characters
up onto the stage.
CHERYL
Everyone, can I have your
attention? Let's all thank
Elizabeth Wakefield for organising
the prom. Because she's so boring
and predictable, we're all
listening to a proper band and not
the guy who plays sporks.
TODD
Todd thinks Liz sexy when she's
responsible.
Gives her a weird cockeyed look while swirling his punch
around in his glass.
ELIZABETH
Yeah, you are drunk.
So very, very drunk.
We cut to JESSICA, who's in the corner by herself, sulking,
with a giant, intricate cheese sculpture on her head. Oh
wait, that's her hair. SAM arrives in a leather jacket and
jeans.
SAM
Jess, I've been thinking and...holy
God, what is going on with your
hair?
JESSICA
Isn't it fab?
SAM
You look like the worst kind of
martian ant.
JESSICA
What are you doing here, Sam, and
couldn't you have put on, like, a
suit or something?
SAM
Don't try to change me, baby. So I
was thinking about your weird
freak-out the other day, and
something about it doesn't make
sense.
JESSICA
O rly?
SAM
You love me, Jessica. You were just
using reverse psychology to try and
get me to follow my dirt bike
dreams.
JESSICA
You're a perceptive one.
SAM
So I'm going to Australia, because
you love me so much that you're
willing to let me go.
JESSICA
Even though the whole 'loving you'
thing was the one reason you wanted
to stay?
SAM
Yes.
JESSICA
And I've just proved that I love
you even more than you originally
thought?
SAM
Look, don't think about it too
hard. Just accept the fact that I'm
moving to Australia.
(looks up at the sky, screams)
You hear that, screenwriters? I'm
moving away forever! So there's no
need for you to kill me off!
Please, for the love of God, don't
let my last moments on Earth be
in a car with Liz!
JESSICA
I'm really going to miss you, Sam.
SAM
Me too. Say, I have a swell idea.
Let's have one last slow dance. Then
we can cut out of here, shave your
head, and get some going-away
coitus happening.
JESSICA
Okay!
They go out onto the dancefloor, where all the other couples
are dancing too, even BRUCE and CHERYL, the whore. WINSTON
and LILA are dancing real close, and it'd be really cute if
it wasn't so awful. TODD and ELIZABETH aren't there, though.
Todd's probably passed out in the limo.
SAM
Hey, wait a minute! We only have
like thirty seconds until the
episode ends! What about the music
montage?
PRODUCERS
Crap crap crap! Um, okay, let's
just throw in some archive footage
over a slow song and call it a day.
We get a music montage of Sam/Jess archive footage. It's
spectacularly lazy. The end.
And that's it. The end of Sam. The fact that we actually had an episode with Sam Woodruff at the prom and it didn't end in his magical vodka death is so infuriating, I can't even begin to tell you. At least someone appeared to be drunk at the junior prom, I guess. (Toddles, I'm looking at you...)
There's actually an unrecapped episode before this one, but I thought I'd get all this Sam business out of the way. It's not really a terrible storyline (ish), but the problem is that when SVH TV tries to be "serious", it becomes incredibly boring and hard to snark. Which means I'm falling back on the ol' screenplay idea from last time. Hope you don't mind, but it's the only way to make Sam arc even the least bit amusing.
Screencaps this time, too!
INT. SWEET VALLEY HIGH -- HALLWAY
LILA
Yay, the yearbooks are out. Let's
go around the group and see who won
each title in the class poll.
BRUCE
Big Man On Campus. Yay!
CHERYL
Most Sophisticated. Yay!
LILA
How did I not win that? Oh well,
I'm happy with my Bionic Spender
title, despite the fact that none
of the scriptwriters seem to know
what the word "bionic" means.
JESSICA
Flirtaholic. Yay!
ENID
Talks the Most, Says the Least.
Yay!
MANNY
Best Smile. Yay!
WINSTON
Most Likely To Move Back In With
His Parents?! Well, not yay.
TODD
Sexiest? Yay!
"Todd both surprised and flattered!"
ELIZABETH
Most Responsible? That's just a
fancy way of saying Most Boring!
WINSTON
Yeah, you'd think they'd give you
something cooler sounding. Even
Andrea Zuckerman won Most Likely To
Succeed.
ELIZABETH
Todd, do you think I'm too
responsible?
TODD
(looking into a mirror)
Huh? Oh. Liz take this too
seriously. Todd sexy.
BRUCE
You know, Liz, we can do everything
you do. It's just that we don't
have to, what with you organising
all of our lives for us.
ELIZABETH
Well, that's it. You, Manny and
Winston can organise everything
from now on, including the
conveniently timed prom. How do you
like them apples?
WINSTON
Sure.
MANNY
Fine by me.
BRUCE
Sounds like fun.
ELIZABETH
...Well, you'll come crawling back!
You'll miss me, you know.
WINSTON
Won't.
MANNY
Definitely not.
BRUCE
Don't hurry back.
ELIZABETH goes off somwhere and sulks.
INT. MOON BEACH -- POOL HALL
JESSICA
Hey Sam, let's play pool.
SAM
Only if we stop every ten seconds
to make out.
"It goes a little something like this."
JESSICA
Sounds good to me!
They make out profusely. TODD and LILA enter.
TODD
Hey Sam friend! Todd heard about
sponsor in Australia.
JESSICA
What sponsor in Australia?
SAM
No big deal, Jess. Some Australian
sponsor wants me to go to Australia
for some motorcross thing. It's
probably not going to happen, since
the last race I was in I didn't
even finish because someone got
stuck underneath his own bike.
TODD
Ha ha, Toddles fell.
SAM
Yes you did. Anyway, this is a
non-issue, Jess. Nobody's going to
Australia.
HELLOBRISVEGAS
Good. It's bad enough that you
Sweet Valley people fucked up
Europe for everyone; leave my
country alone.
Even without dialogue, Lila is still the best thing about this scene.
INT. SWEET VALLEY HIGH -- BATHROOM
CHERYL
Hi, Lila.
LILA
Hi, Cheryl. So you know how the
prom's coming up?
CHERYL
Yeah...
LILA
And we both don't have dates
because we find high school boys so
immature...
CHERYL
(increasingly more worried)
Yeah...
LILA
Well maybe we should form an
awesome club and go stag!
CHERYL
Phew! Yes, definitely. For a minute
there, I thought we were going to a
weird Todd/Winston place. Or a
weird Todd/Sam place.
HELLOBRISVEGAS
Note the common factor here.
LILA
Hey Enid, be part of our Stag Pack.
Surely you don't have a date.
ENID
Of course not! Stag Pack!
CHERYL
Hooray! Girl power!
Feminism and whatnot!
ENID walks out of the bathroom and runs into MANNY.
Literally two seconds after they all agreed to go stag to
the prom.
MANNY
Hey Enid, go to prom with me.
ENID
Okay!
LILA
Traitor bitch!
INT. SWEET VALLEY HIGH -- HALLWAY -- SAME DAY
ELIZABETH and TODD are walking down the hall.
ELIZABETH
Hey Todd, let's be irresponsible
and ditch class. We could go to the
park!
TODD
(grunts)
ELIZABETH
Yes, the park! The irresponsible
park! We could...we could...climb a
tree! A really
irresponsible-looking tree! Oh,
such wickedness!
TODD
Liz take class poll too seriously.
Nobody cares about class poll.
TODD opens his locker, only to have a bunch of presents and
stuffed animals from his many admirers fall out.
TODD
Except everyone. Todd sexy.
INT. WAKEFIELD HOUSE -- THAT NIGHT
ELIZABETH is in the living room with the world's worst prom
committee, aka WINSTON, BRUCE AND MANNY.
This just looks like a bad idea.
BRUCE
I have a lot of ideas for the prom.
Our theme could be "Salute to Wall
Street," and people can come
dressed as their favourite Fortune
500 companies.
This is BRUCE'S actual idea. God, I've missed him.
WINSTON
Manny and I also put forth some
equally obscure and ridiculous prom
ideas. None of them jungle, though.
ELIZABETH
This is going to be a disaster! Oh
well, have fun with that. I'm still
on my irresponsible kick.
WINSTON
Oh, did you end up cutting class to
climb that tree?
ELIZABETH
No. But I will. Just you wait.
She never does.
EXT. FOWLER CREST -- NIGHT
JESSICA and SAM are having a candlelit dinner. It's all very
fancy, which I guess is why they had to have it in LILA'S
backyard.
SAM
Wow, what a lovely dinner.
JESSICA
Thanks. Try the chicken; I made it
myself.
SAM
It sucks. Just kidding, it's
actually great. That was a joke.
JESSICA
Giggle giggle. You're so funny.
SAM
Seriously, though, it's a little
dry. You might want to think about
that next time you make me food.
JESSICA
Sure, hon.
SAM
Jessica, there's something I have
to tell you. Something important--
JESSICA
I love you.
SAM
...
JESSICA
Sam? Did you say you had to tell me
something? Not sure what it could
be, considering it's been like
three minutes since we had a
conversation about you moving to
Australia.
SAM
Um, nothing. It's nothing. I love
you too.
JESSICA
Aww.
SAM
Now get back in the kitchen and
make me a sandwich, woman.
INT. THE MOON BEACH -- THAT NIGHT
CHERYL and LILA are having fries or whatever kids do at the
Moon Beach.
LILA
I can't believe Enid bitched out on
the Stag Pack! Oh well, I guess
it'll just be the two of us.
CHERYL
Panic, panic! Does not compute! Hey
Bruce Patman, want to go to the
prom with me? I don't like being
around Lila for some ridiculous
reason, even though Lila's awesome
and literally everyone else likes
her.
LILA
Hey, that's my Bruce Patman!
This is why you don't make Lila Fowler angry.
1BRUCE1 COMMUNITY
Fuck you, Cheryl! You are just the
worst!
LILA
Now I'm the only one without a
date.
WINSTON
Not the only one. I suggested a
similar Stag Pack to Todd, but he
got all nervous and ran away.
LILA
Not going to the prom with you,
Winston. You are way too nerdy,
even though I entered a dance
competition with you and even made
out with you in a closet once.
WINSTON
That sounds like a yes to me! I'll
pick you up at seven.
INT. WAKEFIELD HOUSE -- NIGHTTIME
JESSICA is lounging around the living room, reading a
magazine, when TODD AND ELIZABETH enter.
ELIZABETH
Hi, Jess. Wow, you look happy.
Let's wreck that for you.
TODD
Woo hoo! Jess, Sam got Australian
sponsorship thingy.
JESSICA
No, he didn't. He told me he
didn't.
TODD
Sam turned it down. Sam want to
stay in Sweet Valley with Jessica.
JESSICA
Aww, that's so sweet. Liz, don't
you think that's sweet--
ELIZABETH
You're ruining his life!
JESSICA
Huh?
TODD
This heap good opportunity! Sam
throw away his future for horrible
slut!
JESSICA
I must talk to Sam!
INT. SAM'S GARAGE -- THE NEXT DAY
JESSICA
Sam, is it true that you got the
Australian sponsorship thing but
turned it down because you love me
so much?
SAM
Yep. Australia's not that great
anyway.
HELLOBRISVEGAS
Yes it is, Sam, not that you'll
ever know at this rate.
JESSICA
I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I
want you to stay. On the
other...wait, what am I thinking? I
want you to stay. That's all that
matters. I guess you're staying.
SAM
(while wistfully looking at a
map of Australia)
Yeah. It's fine. No really, I want
to stay here with you.
JESSICA
Swoon!
SAM
(suddenly wearing a cork hat
and holding a koala, sighing)
It's cool, Jess. I hate Australia.
Yep, hate it. Don't want a bar of
it.
INT. SWEET VALLEY HIGH -- HALLWAY
Another meeting of the world's worst prom committee.
MANNY
Hey you guys, I managed to get some
guy named Ronnie the Crazy Cajun to
play at the prom.
WINSTON
What instrument does he play?
MANNY
The sporks. 'Spork' is a funny word,
right? This is comedy?
BRUCE
(shrugs)
ELIZABETH
That's it. I've had my fill of
being irresponsible. I am once
again in charge of organising the
prom.
WINSTON
That's great, Liz! So what did you
do that was so irresponsible?
BRUCE
Yes, tell us of your adventures.
ELIZABETH
Oh, the time I had this week! You
wouldn't believe me if I told you!
BRUCE
So nothing?
ELIZABETH
Yep, basically. I thought about
climbing a tree once. Like, really
thought hard about it. It was
practically a done deal.
MANNY
Hmm. Good luck with that. We'll
still help you with prom stuff,
though--
ELIZABETH
Go far away, all of you.
They walk off somewhere. ELIZABETH finds TODD at his locker.
He's wearing a leather jacket.
TODD
Todd happy that Liz is boring
again.
ELIZABETH
I know what you mean. All that
crazy talk of tree-climbing had
everyone worried! I'm glad I
finally understand that the class
poll is not the end of the world.
TODD
Good.
(looking into the mirror and
preening)
Todd sexy.
ELIZABETH
Again with this?
TODD
Respect the sexy!
And don't mock the tiny, tiny mirror!
EXT. FOWLER CREST -- NIGHT
JESSICA and SAM seem to be at Fowler Crest again. Don't know
why they can't rendezvous at JESSICA'S house. LILA is
seriously the best friend ever.
JESSICA
Sam, I had a talk with Elizabeth.
SAM
That is never good. And why did we
have to come to Lila's house for
you to tell me that?
JESSICA
Shh. Anyway, I talked to Liz and I
understand now that you must go to
Australia.
SAM
No, but I love you!
JESSICA
I love you too, but we're talking
about your future here. There's no
reason for you to stay in Sweet
Valley.
SAM
But I love you!
JESSICA
Apart from that.
SAM
I won't go to Australia! I won't, I
won't, I won't! I lov--
JESSICA
Yes, you love me, we heard that
one! Is that seriously the only
argument you can think of?
SAM
Well, yeah. My life here's pretty
shit.
JESSICA
In that case...I don't love you,
Sam.
SAM
But you literally just said--
JESSICA
Sam, if I'm gonna be a
coke-addicted model-slash-actress
by the time I'm thirty, I need to
marry an Oliver Barrett, not a
Danny Zuko.
SAM
So you're breaking up with me
because I'm too...mechanic-y?
JESSICA
And because you're not Ryan O'Neal
enough.
SAM
I don't understand!
JESSICA
I hate you! You're beneath me!
Other miscellaneous hurtful things
that will convince you that I don't
love you!
And bitchface. Don't forget the bitchface.
SAM
Fine! If that's the way you really
feel, then there's no reason for me
to stay here! I'm going to
Australia!
JESSICA
Fine!
SAM
Fine!
Storms off somewhere. You'd think LILA or her family would
be annoyed by all this yelling and screaming going on in
their backyard, but they're not.
JESSICA
(to herself)
Oh, how sad it is that I had to hurt
the one I love in order to save him!
This is, like, so Shakespearean or
whatever.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
Don't put this on me.
INT. THE PROM -- DECIDEDLY NON-JUNGLE
CHERYL
Yeah! Time for the prom!
HELLOBRISVEGAS
Cheryl, if you ever speak again,
I'm going straight Todd on your
stupid Bruce-stealing face.
WINSTON
How sweet it is to be Lila's date.
LILA
Let's be clear -- I'm only here
with you because that's the way the
numbers worked. And because
Cheryl's a whore.
MANNY
Enid, I'm so tongue-tied around
you.
ENID
Speaking of tongues...
They make out.
EVERYONE ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET
Ewwww! Stop that right now!
TODD and ELIZABETH arrive.
ELIZABETH
Ah, the prom. Nothing could wreck
this, except maybe my boyfriend
inexplicably taking fashion cues
from Jon Cryer in Pretty in Pink.
Try a little tenderness, Toddles.
TODD
Todd mad. Todd didn't win prom
king.
ELIZABETH
Todd, your ego is out of control!
TODD
But Todd sexy!
ELIZABETH
Will you stop saying that? Everyone
here thinks you're a douche. That's
why they're all staring at you.
TODD
They stare at Todd's sexy!
ELIZABETH
They are not staring at your sexy!
Pretty sure they're staring 'cause
you're wearing sunglasses inside
at night, Kanye.
TODD
Todd sorry. Todd won't be douchebag
anymore. Todd have some punch
instead. Ha ha, it's Todd punch!
ELIZABETH
Are you drunk or something?
TODD
Getting there.
CHERYL, that whore, brings all the non-Wakefield characters
up onto the stage.
CHERYL
Everyone, can I have your
attention? Let's all thank
Elizabeth Wakefield for organising
the prom. Because she's so boring
and predictable, we're all
listening to a proper band and not
the guy who plays sporks.
TODD
Todd thinks Liz sexy when she's
responsible.
Gives her a weird cockeyed look while swirling his punch
around in his glass.
ELIZABETH
Yeah, you are drunk.
So very, very drunk.
We cut to JESSICA, who's in the corner by herself, sulking,
with a giant, intricate cheese sculpture on her head. Oh
wait, that's her hair. SAM arrives in a leather jacket and
jeans.
SAM
Jess, I've been thinking and...holy
God, what is going on with your
hair?
JESSICA
Isn't it fab?
SAM
You look like the worst kind of
martian ant.
JESSICA
What are you doing here, Sam, and
couldn't you have put on, like, a
suit or something?
SAM
Don't try to change me, baby. So I
was thinking about your weird
freak-out the other day, and
something about it doesn't make
sense.
JESSICA
O rly?
SAM
You love me, Jessica. You were just
using reverse psychology to try and
get me to follow my dirt bike
dreams.
JESSICA
You're a perceptive one.
SAM
So I'm going to Australia, because
you love me so much that you're
willing to let me go.
JESSICA
Even though the whole 'loving you'
thing was the one reason you wanted
to stay?
SAM
Yes.
JESSICA
And I've just proved that I love
you even more than you originally
thought?
SAM
Look, don't think about it too
hard. Just accept the fact that I'm
moving to Australia.
(looks up at the sky, screams)
You hear that, screenwriters? I'm
moving away forever! So there's no
need for you to kill me off!
Please, for the love of God, don't
let my last moments on Earth be
in a car with Liz!
JESSICA
I'm really going to miss you, Sam.
SAM
Me too. Say, I have a swell idea.
Let's have one last slow dance. Then
we can cut out of here, shave your
head, and get some going-away
coitus happening.
JESSICA
Okay!
They go out onto the dancefloor, where all the other couples
are dancing too, even BRUCE and CHERYL, the whore. WINSTON
and LILA are dancing real close, and it'd be really cute if
it wasn't so awful. TODD and ELIZABETH aren't there, though.
Todd's probably passed out in the limo.
SAM
Hey, wait a minute! We only have
like thirty seconds until the
episode ends! What about the music
montage?
PRODUCERS
Crap crap crap! Um, okay, let's
just throw in some archive footage
over a slow song and call it a day.
We get a music montage of Sam/Jess archive footage. It's
spectacularly lazy. The end.
And that's it. The end of Sam. The fact that we actually had an episode with Sam Woodruff at the prom and it didn't end in his magical vodka death is so infuriating, I can't even begin to tell you. At least someone appeared to be drunk at the junior prom, I guess. (Toddles, I'm looking at you...)