Twin Hearts: TV Novelization # 2
So recently, I was in California for a week. And during my trip, I did several things:
1. I ate a lot of awesome Mexican food.
2. I kept asking my sister-in -law why she didn't have a Spanish tiled kitchen and laughing.
3. Referred to the Pacific Ocean as just like the Wakefield's eyes
4. Found a book that had never been recapped!
Number 4 was obviously the most important thing that happened in the whole entire trip.
“Twin Hearts” is the Special TV Edition book of 4 Episodes of the Sweet Valley High television series that is based on the books, which are based on outlines that Francine gave to her ghost writers. This is some seriously watered down story-telling. They even cop to it in the introduction, saying that some of you “die-hard fans out there” might recognize that some of the TV plots were taken from book storylines. I don't think it would take a die-hard fan. I think it's a stretch to say that it would even take a casual fan.
But! It’s never been re-capped; I’m a long-time lurker who dreams of posting on 1Bruce1, the most awesomest site on the interwebz, so
The Prince of Santa Dora
Our first story is The Prince of Santa Dora. As you may (not) recall, our first exposure to the Prince was when he was pen pals with Elizabeth in SVT and he just wanted to be (sob) normal. Then, in a rare instance of Sweet Valley continuity, he re-appeared in Sweet Valley High (or the SVH Book came first, and they decided to throw him into a Twins book, I’m too lazy to look up which came first) and dated Dana Larson. This ‘episode’ is what happens when you stick those the SVT book and the SVH book in a blender, chop it up and paste it back together again. In fact, all of these are like that. I was going to link to all the previous recaps of these stories, but between the book, the TV show, the Secret Diaries of Elizabeth and Jessica, it's too much. No wonder we remember these plots so well, there were only about 4 of them.
Elizabeth is at her ‘Home Away From Home’ - the Oracle office. She takes her work seriously (hah!), so she's pissed when Jessica interrupts her. But Jessica’s turquoise eyes are sparkling brightly, so Liz has no choice to drop what she is doing! Lo and behold - it’s Arthur! He says something skeevy about her pictures not doing her justice, and is kissing her hand when Todd walks up, saying “Hey, what is going on here?” which I picture him saying just like Mr. Belding in Saved by the Bell. Prince Arthur smoothes things over by saying something skeevy about how good a basketball player Todd is. Boo, no Todd punch!
Prince Arthur tells them that he only has a little time, and he wants to go to lunch. Is this a school day? Otherwise, why are they all hanging out at school at lunchtime? Anyway ‘less than an hour later’ they are at the Moon Beach Café (my heart breaks for the Dairi Burger) Prince Dora Explora of California has rented the entire place out. Short notice. There’s a lot of comments from Todd, Elizabeth and Jessica about the Prince’s Bodyguard, Paulo and a lot of Arthur saying things sadly about how he’s never alone, blah blah blah. Nothing much interesting until Lila (yay! Hi, Lila!) shows up, and yells at Paulo for daring to touch her. Jessica has been drooling over the Prince this entire time, so Lila, of course, has decided that she wants him herself and tells the Prince that she’s having a private party for him at her family’s estate. Although the Prince has been telling the twins how busy he’ll be while he’s in Sweet Valley, all it takes is for Jessica to say that she’ll be his date, so they can get to know each other better (Lila, awesomely, says “Why would he want to do that?”) and Prince Dora is all “Let’s par-tay”
Before school, Jessica schemes in the bathroom about the Prince while she and Elizabeth are putting on makeup.
At school, Lila is inviting people to her party, with ‘beautiful printed invitations.’ Did she go to a 24 hour formal printing shop? She invites Winston, who is suitably amazed, so that he can flirt with Jessica, freeing up Prince Dora. Devious!
After school, the whole gang is at the Moon Beach Café (Arthur rented it out again, btw). When Prince Dora shows up, they pull a fast one to get him away from his bodyguard, Paulo, by ... pretending that the King is calling Paulo on the payphone? But it’s actually Winston, who is calling from his cell phone outside? Which means Paulo does not have a cell phone and Winston does? Jessica whips him into the jeep and takes off, so ‘Paulo had no choice but to wait for his charge to return.’ Really? He can't go after them? Does the Prince walk everywhere? Why does this supposed Prince have no cell phone and no car?
Jessica and Prince Dora have basically a TV montage, which makes sense since this is a transcription of a TV show. There is lots of laughing and skipping around in water. But we do get these insights into Jessica - she’s confused by her jumbled feelings! She’d never been as interested in a guy as she has been in Prince Dora! He gives her some necklace, and she promises to never take it off. He says that he’s falling in love with her, and they make out.
Meanwhile, Todd, Elizabeth and Lila are all stuck back at the empty Moon Beach Café with fuming Paulo waiting for Jess and the Prince to return. Um, that’s boring. They really don't have to stay there. Todd says that Prince Dora will be in good hands with Jessica, and immediately wonders what drugs he’s on and Lila makes a crack about Jessica dragging the Prince to Mexico to get married. Paulo says that is impossible because the Prince is… betrothed! Dun dun dunnnnn!!
Scene change. We’re in the Wakefield's bathroom again, and Jessica is imagining what it would be like to be a princess. In her fantasy, which is another scene that I’m sure is better when you’re watching it, Lila is Jessica’s lady-in-waiting, and Jessica is ordering her around. Elizabeth interrupts her daydreams, and is about to shatter Jessica’s dream by telling her about the Prince’s fiancée. However, before she can, Jessica starts babbling about how happy and in love with Prince Dora she is, and Elizabeth is too much of a pussy to tell her the truth. Even Todd calls her out on it when arrives, a short time later, wearing a tux. They're arguing over it when Jessica comes down the stairs. But when Jessica finds out that Arthur isn’t there yet, she turns around, so that she can make a grand entrance when he arrives - because, as she explains, this could be the most important night of her life. Why? Because Jessica thinks that Prince Dora is going to propose to her tonight!
Excuse me while I go laugh for a week or so.
Hi, I’m back. That was fun. Now, everyone is at the party. Everyone is in black-tie, and waiters are passing around trays of pate, caviar and salmon cakes. Okay - hold up. At the most, the Prince arrived Monday. So in 4 days (because it says it’s Friday evening) Lila has put together a catered party with printed invitations, and everyone has formal wear? She really is my idol. Jessica and Prince Dora dance, and then Jessica tells some random chick Patty Gilbert that the Prince is going to ask her to marry him. Patty runs off into the crowd to tell everyone else (klassy!) and Elizabeth tries to warn Jessica that she may be jumping the gun a bit.
And then! Lila walks into the middle of the crowd and then!
She says that she wants to announce an engagement and then!
She drops the bomb that the Prince is betrothed to what's-her-name!
Lila Rules.
Jessica freaks out that the guy that she has known, at the most, a week, is not going to marry her, throws her necklace at him and storms out. Why no pool push? Prince Dora runs after her, and tells her, basically,’ Babe, don’t worry, I’ll talk to my daddy and tell him how much I love you and we’ll totally get married.’ Jessica is all “Okay” and they make out. He says he’ll meet her at the pier tomorrow at 7 and she’s somehow okay with that. As he watches her go, he allows a single tear to roll down his cheek. Oh, gag me.
The next day, she waits until 7:30 on the pier until deciding that he’s not going to come, and storms home, crying her blue-green eyes out. But, when she gets home, Elizabeth is waiting for her in the kitchen (of course, Elizabeth is at home, its Saturday night) and she has a letter from Prince Dora! It’s all ‘Royal emergency, blah blah blah, I don’t know what will happen in the future, blah blah blah, I will always love you, blah blah blah, forget everything I said about talking to my dad. Yours forever, Prince Arthur.' Jessica swoons and Elizabeth pulls the necklace that the Prince gave Jessica (the one that she threw at him at Lila’s party) out of the envelope and Jessica puts it on. Jessica makes a crack about never being able to go back to normal men, now that she has dated royalty - Elizabeth tells Jess “I’m sure you’ll find a way” and it ends on a classic Jessica sociopathic moment, with Jessica thinking “No matter what, Jessica Wakefield found a way.” Creepy!
What, Me Study?
Next up, we have the classic, What, Me Study? There is no transition between these stories, but it begins with Jessica in the hallway of SVH, happy that 'at least a dozen' hot guys are staring at her. So apparently, Jessica has found a way to be into non-royal guys again. And, Jessica, honey? They are staring at you for a reason and that reason is that you (and the other SVH cheerleaders) have decided to hold an 'impromptu cheerleading practice/pep rally' in the middle of the hallway. You know, as you do. You'll be happy to know that they've plugged in a portable tape player so there is some funky music blasting. Their cheer is epic - "Hey. Hey, you. Better move, we're comin' through. Hey. Hey, you. Better move, we're comin' through."
Does that not just fly off the page with its lyric intensity? Jessica came up with it! Not without help from Elizabeth, I suspect. That seems like some high caliber E. Wakefield writing there. The irony is that they are standing there, blocking anyone who may be trying to come through the hallway, and they will not move.
Anyway, Bruce & Manny (who?) are leering at them, the cheerleaders say something about splits, they high five and Mr. Russo, the chemistry teacher comes up to be creepy and tell the cheerleaders that they are 'looking good.' (ew) Jessica is failing chemistry and will be put on academic probation if she fails another test, so she is relieved when Russo doesn't sexually harass her. Meanwhile, Winston is in the Oracle office trying to 'hack' into the SVH computer. I really hope this is more dramatic in the TV show because in the book, the tension is not very high. It's basically Winston looking at the screen, he types four letters and all of a sudden the computer is all "Hello Mr. Russo, would you like to play a game?" He finds a love letter & prints it out.
Ugh. Elizabeth & Enid. They come up to Elizabeth's locker and apparently Todd has decorated it for their anniversary? Because that's what high school boys do? Enid is swooning. Todd walks up and Elizabeth has forgotten their anniversary! Enid blathers some stupid stuff and then runs away. God, even in the book of the TV show of the books, Enid is a loser.
Todders is mad that Elizabeth didn't remember their anniversary! His perfectly chiseled jaw is set in a hard line! Elizabeth is spinning him some bullshit, while staring at his deep blue eyes and that's when I call bullshit. Everyone knows that Todd's eyes are coffee-colored. I don't give a fuck what color the actor's eyes are. But whatever, she claims their anniversary is Wednesday. I don't know what day it is now. They probably don't either.
Winston comes running up the love letter he got from the computer and Elizabeth acts all sanctimonious, thinking about how she doesn't like rumors or gossip. Oh for fuck's sake, then why does she write a gossip column? Anyway, Todd and Liz warn Winston that he could get in trouble. He runs off to photocopy the letter (at first read, I didn't realize he had run, first thing, to show Liz and Todd, but now it makes me giggle that the Very First Thing Winston had to do was show Queen Liz this letter.) Jessica has been listening this whole time and plans to use Winston to get at Russo's next test.
After school, Elizabeth and Enid are watching TV at the Wakefield's and Enid is watching the Home Shopping Network. Of course she is. After some blathering about a ceramic pig Enid bought (oh, Enid), and Elizabeth calling Enid an idiot for watching this network, Elizabeth sees shoes that are signed by Shaquille O'Neal and her anniversary dilemma is solved! Sweet Valley can rest easy tonight.
All of a sudden, it's after school the next day, and everyone is at Moon Beach Cafe. Winston is handing out the copies he made of Russo's love letter and after some witty repartee with Bruce and Manny Jessica comes up to Winston and starts hitting on him, until he comes home with her. To help her study chemistry. Ugh. So they go back to the Wakefield's, and Jessica demands that he get her some water so that she can go through his backpack and try to find the password. That's right, in her own house; she's insisting that he get her water. And not just a glass of tap water, either, she's all "Tall glass, lemon, ice". Nice. She doesn't find the password in the backpack, only a bottle of mouthwash and rolls her eyes thinking that "Worrying about bad breath was vintage Egbert" Wakefield's never have bad breath, dontch'a know?
Elizabeth come home and asks if a package has come. It hasn't. Yawn.
Jessica takes Winston to the high school and they go to the Oracle office, where Winston was when he first hacked into Russo's files. Jessica basically talks dirty to Winston, saying stuff about inputs and output until he agrees to get into Russo's files for her. Winston reveals his crazy hacking trick, which is basically guessing that Mr. Russo likes soccer so he would use a famous soccer player as his password. Oh, early Nineties. You were such a simpler time. Now Mr. Russo's password would probably by DontGUEssPELEWINSTONn3rdE66BertPleaze15. I mean, that's what mine is.
Todd comes over trying to give Elizabeth her anniversary present and instead of being a normal human being and telling him that she ordered him something and it's been delayed, she tells him she was wrong before and their anniversary wasn't today, it's um, let me think, uh next Friday? Todd apparently accepts this, because next thing you know, Jessica is handing in her test, all happy that she cheated and will get an A. After school, Winston asks her out to celebrate and she blows him off. Winston is crushed.
The timeline in this story is throwing me. Its two days later, and Russo is handing the test back. He compliments Jessica on her A, but then asks her to stay after class so he can accuse her of cheating, which seems somehow backwards to me. Why praise her at all if you think she cheated? She tells him it was Winston, and shows him the love letter, which somehow convinces Mr. Russo that Winston was behind this. But if Jessica has the letter, wouldn't that make him more suspicious that it was her that went into his files? I don't understand. But Mr. Russo is convinced with this not at all logical evidence. Next thing you know, Mr. Russo has Winston in his office and is suspending him for cheating. Winston is all, I know I didn't do it! So who did? To which, I say, Duh, Winston. Duh.
That afternoon, at the Moon Beach, Winston is moaning about his suspension and how it will ruin his life. Todd and Elizabeth are attempting to cheer him up, not that it's going very well. And then Bruce calls him Eggfail which made me LOL for a good ten minutes. Winston mentions that oh yea, Jessica knew Russo's password too, and even Enid laughs at what an idiot he is.
Elizabeth goes home and yells at Jessica for being a bad person, like she's not already used to her sister being a sociopath, and says "You're not going to get away with this, Jessica" to which Jessica responds "I already have!" and I say Awesome.
So Elizabeth goes to Mr. Russo the next morning, and basically tells him he's been a moron, and here's how to prove that Jessica did it. Mr. Russo is going to announce a new test so that Jessica will try to get it out of his files! Why, that's so crazy, it just might work!
And of course, Jessica sneaks into the Oracle office and 'hacks' into Mr. Russo's files again. But instead of getting into his files, the computer starts beeping and it says Access Denied, Gotcha, Look behind You! So Jessica looks behind her, and there is Mr. Russo, Elizabeth, Todd and Winston. Why is Todd there? Oh, I guess to tell Winston that 'Those were some excellent graphics, Eggman" because that's what he says as jail cell bars come down on the screen. Jessica is caught, Winston is cleared, but oops, Mr. Russo still needs to talk to him about the love letter.
So now it is finally Todd and Elizabeth's anniversary and apparently, his shoes have arrived. But before we get to that pivotal movement, it is also the day that Jessica is off her suspension. She's back and she tries to get Winston to do her make-up work, but he blows her off. Whatever. Elizabeth and Todd exchange presents, he gives her turquoise earrings that match her eyes and she gives him two left sneakers. Wah-wahhhh. Liz thinks that maybe next year, she'll give him a poem. I would still rather have two left shoes.
The Curse of Lawrence Manson
Hope you're all ready for some spooky happenings, because next is The Curse of Lawrence Manson! It's Halloween, and everyone is at the Moon Beach Cafe again. They're discussing their plans for that evening, and apparently some guy Karl is having a costume party, which (spoiler alert) none of them end up going to, and is simply a plot contrivance to get the girls into revealing outfits. Elizabeth wants her and Todd to go as Romeo and Juliet, but Todd won't wear tights! Winston likes tights; they make him feel light and springy. What does that even mean? Bruce and Manny come over to the table with Gary Baxley, who just transferred from Eastdale. Boo, where's Big Mesa? Lila and Jessica think Gary is hot and are already fighting over him before he even speaks to either of them. Lila invites Gary to Karl's party but Bruce is quick to tell her that they're going over to SVH to see Lawrence Manson.
Who is Lawrence Manson, you may wonder. Well, Winston is wondering the same thing, so Bruce helpfully explains that he's some kid that broke into SVH 25 years ago to steal a test because the football team dared him to. But the dare was a setup and when Manson broke into the school, the football team... scared him to death? What? Now, of course, Manson walks the halls on Halloween seeking revenge. Winston and I are skeptical, but then Liz says "It's true, I read about it in the Oracle archives." Wonder what that headline was? Winston is not convinced that there is a ghost and Bruce calls him a chicken. No one calls Winston a chicken! He's in! They're all going! Yay for breaking and entering! Except for Manny, who screams about not messing with the dead and runs out of the cafe. Way to be a drama queen, Manny.
When everyone arrives at the school, Lila and Jessica are angry to find that they are both wearing the same skimpy genie costume, even though there was just a scene where Jessica told Lila that she was going to be wearing a Catwoman costume. Sigh. Gary is looking hot in a gladiator costume. Jessica and Lila immediately begin fighting over him again.
Meanwhile, Enid and Winston have a flat tire. Enid is pissed because Winston made her jack up the car, even though he is dressed as a vampire and she is dressed like Pebbles Flintstone. I'm surprised, that actually sounds kind of cute. They argue, decide to walk to the school, and Winston falls face first into a puddle of mud. Wonderful, slapstick in a book. Funny.
Back at the school, the rest of the juvenile delinquents are having a séance. Bruce is a devil, Patty Gilbert is a Viking (?), Todd and Elizabeth are dressed as Morticia and Gomez Addams. Todd, the genius, apparently used shoe polish to darken his hair and it's dripping down his face. Sigh. They all join hands and start chanting. The chant sounds like Jessica wrote it for cheerleading, that's how good it is. They want him to come and tell them his story, in all his power and glory! A candle blows out, a ghostly figure begins to move towards them and they all start screaming. Don't worry, though, Todd discovers that it's just a headless mannequin that Bruce rigged. Bruce correctly points out that it's Halloween, and it's supposed to be scary.
Winston and Enid arrive, frightening everyone again. Supposedly this is because they are all dirty from walking through the woods, but I think it's just because it's Winston and Enid. Winston goes to take a shower. As he leaves, there's a noise outside the door, and Gary manfully goes to check it out. Jessica and Lila take off after him. Even though it's been a split second since he left, he's nowhere to be seen! Suddenly, they hear a crash, and Gary moaning. When they run to find him, they only find his shredded costume. So they scream. The others come rushing out, and Jessica rushes into Elizabeth's arms. There's more moaning, but it's just Winston, fresh from the shower, bitching about a lose fang. Elizabeth wants them to all split up and look for Gary, but Patty is all 'F that, I'm outta here' and tries to run out the door. But, oh noes! The doors are all chained. In the book, it just says that they try every door only to find them all chained, but I'm sure in the show there is a delightful montage that accompanies this. They try pulling the fire alarm, but nothing happens. Elizabeth notices that Lila and Winston are missing.
Cut to - Biology room. Lila is looking for Gary (of course) but finds Winston, standing right behind the door for some reason. When Lila realizes that it's just Winston, she turns to leave, but Winston wants to try the closet. He could have done it when he was alone, but he needed Lila as an audience for the highly comedic moment that occurs next. Everyone ready? Ready? He's about to open it! A skeleton falls out on top of him!! Oh, the lolz. Lila agrees, and is cracking up because Winston was attacked by Mr. Bones, the model they use in biology. They try to get Mr. Bones (original name, btw, Liz must have helped with that) back in the closet, and they get locked in the closet together. Lila, rightfully so, begins screaming.
I guess everyone has split up to look for Gary, Winston and Lila, because now, Todd and Liz are wandering around the school. So they make out. Todd points out that it's almost midnight and that's when Lawrence stops walking the halls. Because he's a ghost with a curfew. Elizabeth is relieved, so they have to make out some more. Then the wall clock falls and Liz shrieks. Todd hugs her and Elizabeth wonders what her sister is doing.
Jessica, Bruce, Patty and Enid are back in the classroom where they were originally. I assume this is due to budget constraints. They are all sitting around, talking about how safe they feel, when Enid finds a test paper with all the answers on it. Jessica is thrilled (Oh, Jessica, haven't you learned your lesson from before?) until they realize that the test is from 1969! The year that Lawrence died, Bruce helpfully points out. The girls no longer feel safe, and the lights go off, then on again. Bruce starts laughing, until a gloved hand comes out of nowhere and covers his mouth. The girls scream. I guess in the show, the hand comes out of like a doorway or window or something. However, in the book, it literally just comes out of nowhere, and I agree. That would be scary.
But this is scarier: Winston and Lila are still trying to get out of the closet. Lila is not getting a signal on her cell phone. Winston comforts her by saying they'll probably suffocate in the closet and Lila starts to cry. Winston realizes what an ass he's being and apologizes. He (shudder) puts his arm around her. Lila tells him that she's glad she's not alone in there. Winston realizes how beautiful Lila is. Hide your eyes now, children. Lila and Winston begin to kiss. Oh, Twin Hearts. We were having such a good time, and now I'm going to have to burn every copy of you on earth. Luckily, the kissing is over in a sentence when Todd begins rattling the doorknob. Anxious to continue making out, Winston hurls himself out of the closet and on top of Todd. Yeah. They go to rejoin the others, and Patty explains that Bruce was with them, but he's probably dead now. Winston shushes them - someone is walking down the hall! They should listen. Even though 5 minutes ago they were terrified and screaming anytime they heard a noise.
They have to listen, because Bruce is walking with Manny, laughing over how they scared the others. Color me surprised! Manny was in on it all along!! Todd is furious, and he slams his fist against the lab table. A table got ToddPunched! They must get even with Bruce, Manny and Gary (oh yeah, Gary is in on it too. You knew that, right?) Jessica already has a plan. They all put their heads together and whisper.
Half an hour later, Bruce, Manny and Gary are all hanging out waiting for the others to show up so they can laugh at them. They haven't been able to find Todd and the gang anywhere! Ruh-roh, Raggy! Suddenly, Jessica comes flying down the hallway past them, covered in blood and screaming. Bruce grabs her and asks her what's going on. She points and stutters and Bruce lets her go. He's 'trying to look casual' as he attempts to order Manny to go check out the classroom that Jess was pointing at. Manny refuses to go alone, so they all decide to go together. When they enter the classroom, Lila, Todd, Elizabeth, Winston, Enid and Patty are lying covered in blood, looking like they've been stabbed a million times. Bruce, Gary and Manny are freaked out. Winston starts moving, opening his mouth so blood pours out and the guys start running. They try the alarm, but Manny cut the alarm! They try the doors, but Manny locked the doors! Bruce, realizing he is about to die, awesomely thinks about how he'll never get to drive his Porsche again, when he hears laughter coming from behind him.
Haha! It's Liz, Todd and the gang and they are all yukking it up at Bruce being scared. Now Winston can call Bruce a chicken! Winston, you should have just told him there was a chicken in the school, and that would have scared Bruce just as much. There's not much time for the hilarity though, because Elizabeth sees a shadow in the hallway - but they're all in this room! They all run - thorough the door. Having no trouble with the chains now, I see.
The shadow was apparently a janitor, who is pushing his broom down the hallway as disembodied laughter surrounds him. He tells the ghost of Lawrence Mason that all those assholes are gone now (I may be paraphrasing). I guess it's supposed to be a creepy ending, but all I can think about is why that janitor let them run around the school, screaming and destroying school property and didn't call the cops.
Coma
Wow, here we are at the final (and best) story in this whole watery book. That's right, folks, it's ... COMA TIME!!
Jessica is driving Elizabeth to the Moon Beach Cafe, even though Elizabeth has a story that's due at the Oracle in just 1/2 an hour. Jessica wants to scam on some guy that already has a girlfriend, and bulldozes Elizabeth until she agrees to go in for ten minutes. They're about to go in the cafe, when a babe on a motorcycle pulls up. Jessica's words, not mine. I'm shocked when the babe pulls his helmet off to reveal - Todd! Jessica expresses disbelief and it's explained that Jess and Todd have a love-hate relationship. Um, if that's what you want to call it, sure. Todd offers to take Liz for a ride, and she refuses. Todd wishes that Elizabeth was a little more like Jessica (FORESHADOWING).
As Elizabeth enters the cafe, Bruce is walking out, and makes a reference to Todd's tricycle. Bruce is pretty funny sometimes. He hits on Liz and Elizabeth thinks about how skeezy he is. In the cafe, Jessica hits on Dean, the guy with the girlfriend, and Liz tries to discourage Todd from buying a bike (the one that he's riding is borrowed) mentioning that her parents disapprove of them, marking the first and last reference to parents in this entire book - and this is page 94. When Liz realizes that ten minutes are up and she has to go, she's just in time to see Jessica pulling out of the parking lot in the Jeep with Dean. His girlfriend is apparently left standing at the counter, confused about what just happened. Real catch there, Jessica. Liz has to get to the Oracle, so she reluctantly agrees to get a ride on Todd's motorcycle.
In a shocking turn of events, Liz loves the motorcycle! The book describes her ride as delicious ecstasy and I giggle a little bit. Elizabeth decides to throw her arms in the air like she just don't care and a truck comes careening around the corner! Todd, swerving to avoid the truck, hits a pothole and Elizabeth is thrown through the air. As Todd rushes to help her, she's in a crumpled, bloody heap.
At the hospital, everyone is there, with the notable exception of Ned and Alice Wakefield. Winston tells Lila, Patty and Enid that Todd is fine, that he only has cuts and bruises. Jessica comes out from... wherever she was and tells everyone tearfully that Elizabeth is in a coma!
Three days later, Jessica is sitting at Liz's bedside, doing that thing where you talk to people in a coma because supposedly they can hear you, and you do a monologue about how much that person means to you and what a fool you've been. As Jessica is lamenting her unworthiness to be Liz's sister, Todd creeps up behind her. When Jess realizes that he's there, they starting fighting over whose fault the accident was. Jessica is attempting to throw Todd out (my question is who let Todd in?) when Elizabeth flat-lines and the doctors have to do the paddle-things on her. There's a lot of shouting 'Clear'. Yay! Liz wakes up, Jess is happy and Todd is never going to ride a motorcycle again. Happy ending for all!
Oh. Never mind. There's more. Okay, it's now three weeks later, and Liz is coming back to school for the first time since the accident. Lila, Patty and Enid are waiting at her locker for her and Enid lets it slip that Liz has refused to see her or Todd while she's been out. The school doors swing open and there's a hot blonde with blue-green eyes, wearing a tight t-shirt and a short leather skirt. Everyone is all "Oh hey, Jess" but when Jessica walks up behind them, they realize its Liz and do spit-takes. Bruce comes up and hits on New Elizabeth and she flirts right back. Jessica is incensed, especially when she realizes that Liz is wearing her clothes! Todd comes up trotting up to say hello, and Elizabeth gives him the cold shoulder before walking off with Bruce. A scant three hours later, Elizabeth breaks up with Todd when he comes to pick her up for lunch. Harsh. Todd is sad. Friday, New Elizabeth is at the Moon Beach Cafe flirting with everything in sight. The last straw for Jessica, though, is when Liz steals Dean from her - just like Jessica did to Dean's original girlfriend. What exactly did you expect, Jess?
Jessica is so upset, in fact, that she goes straight from the cafe to the hospital (how, I'm not sure, since Elizabeth is already using the Jeep) to find Elizabeth's doctor. The doctor tells Jess that they see this a lot, and it's more common than one might think, which is helpful not at all. Jessica demands that the doctor 'give Liz a shot or something' to change her back. The doctor laughs in her face, gives her a condescending shoulder pat (I guess since Liz isn't giving those out anymore) and suggests that maybe Jessica should attempt to talk to her sister. Rational advice in Sweet Valley? Don't worry, even though Jess acts upon the advice the doctor gave her, her attempt to talk to her sister is basically just showing up in Elizabeth's bedroom and yelling at her. Elizabeth laughs at Jessica and how pissed off she is and leaves, telling Jessica if she wants Dean, she can have him.
Saturday, Todd is whining to Winston at, you guessed it, the Moon Beach Cafe. He misses the Old Elizabeth and he's sad that he ever wished that Liz would act more like Jessica.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth is out in the Moon Beach Parking lot with Bruce, about to go up to Miller's Point with him in his Porsche (they don't say anything about it being 1BRUCE1 but you know it is). New Liz is all 'Who needs Miller's Point' and starts making out with Bruce right there in the parking lot, the hussy. Lila walks by, thinking about how awesome she looks in her tight brown shorts, with a matching jacket and straw hat (WHAT?) when she spots them - hope she was holding onto her hat! Lol!
Sorry about that. Ahem. Anyway, Lila runs in to tell everyone what she just saw and apparently is shouting when she's telling Enid, because Todd overhears her, and is going all ToddPunch Smash things. Todd runs out to the parking lot and screams at Bruce to get out of the car, Elizabeth is screaming at Todd to leave them alone, and Winston is screaming at Todd to chill out. Bruce throws the first punches, but it's a full-fledged fistfight when Jessica arrives. Jessica screams at Elizabeth that this is all Elizabeth's fault! Liz is too enthralled by the fight to answer her, so Jessica grabs her. Elizabeth yells 'Leave me alone' and pushes Jessica so that she falls on her ass - right in the path of a speeding car!
Luckily, it stops short of actually hitting Jessica, and Elizabeth is properly shamed by almost killing her sister. She sobs that she just wanted to be wild for once, and she never meant to hurt anyone. Jessica tells her that it's okay; she still loves her sister and forgets all about the part where she almost got Elizabeth killed. The fight between Bruce & Todd is apparently over - Bruce is whining about his chipped tooth bonding, and Todd is inside icing his head, while Winston is sitting beside him, speaking softly (heh). Liz walks up to Todd and thinks the appropriate first thing to say is "So, you really creamed Bruce, huh?" When Todd tries to walk away, Elizabeth apologizes to him, saying he didn't deserve to be treated like that. Todd agrees, but soon softens when he realizes Old Liz is back. But she didn't even get hit on the head again! Or is that the cure for amnesia? They make out.
Lila and Jess are sitting in a booth, watching Todd and Liz make up (and out). They agree that it is nauseating and Jessica is relieved to be getting her fall wardrobe back. Jessica is never going to wish for her sister to change ever again! Everyone together now - awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Wow - that was a lot of Sweet Valley. Sorry it's so long, but even though this was a short book, there was a lot going on - Royalty and comas and costumes, oh my! Hope it was okay. And to all of you who do, like, a ton of these? Thank you so much, you rock my socks!
1. I ate a lot of awesome Mexican food.
2. I kept asking my sister-in -law why she didn't have a Spanish tiled kitchen and laughing.
3. Referred to the Pacific Ocean as just like the Wakefield's eyes
4. Found a book that had never been recapped!
Number 4 was obviously the most important thing that happened in the whole entire trip.
“Twin Hearts” is the Special TV Edition book of 4 Episodes of the Sweet Valley High television series that is based on the books, which are based on outlines that Francine gave to her ghost writers. This is some seriously watered down story-telling. They even cop to it in the introduction, saying that some of you “die-hard fans out there” might recognize that some of the TV plots were taken from book storylines. I don't think it would take a die-hard fan. I think it's a stretch to say that it would even take a casual fan.
But! It’s never been re-capped; I’m a long-time lurker who dreams of posting on 1Bruce1, the most awesomest site on the interwebz, so
The Prince of Santa Dora
Our first story is The Prince of Santa Dora. As you may (not) recall, our first exposure to the Prince was when he was pen pals with Elizabeth in SVT and he just wanted to be (sob) normal. Then, in a rare instance of Sweet Valley continuity, he re-appeared in Sweet Valley High (or the SVH Book came first, and they decided to throw him into a Twins book, I’m too lazy to look up which came first) and dated Dana Larson. This ‘episode’ is what happens when you stick those the SVT book and the SVH book in a blender, chop it up and paste it back together again. In fact, all of these are like that. I was going to link to all the previous recaps of these stories, but between the book, the TV show, the Secret Diaries of Elizabeth and Jessica, it's too much. No wonder we remember these plots so well, there were only about 4 of them.
Elizabeth is at her ‘Home Away From Home’ - the Oracle office. She takes her work seriously (hah!), so she's pissed when Jessica interrupts her. But Jessica’s turquoise eyes are sparkling brightly, so Liz has no choice to drop what she is doing! Lo and behold - it’s Arthur! He says something skeevy about her pictures not doing her justice, and is kissing her hand when Todd walks up, saying “Hey, what is going on here?” which I picture him saying just like Mr. Belding in Saved by the Bell. Prince Arthur smoothes things over by saying something skeevy about how good a basketball player Todd is. Boo, no Todd punch!
Prince Arthur tells them that he only has a little time, and he wants to go to lunch. Is this a school day? Otherwise, why are they all hanging out at school at lunchtime? Anyway ‘less than an hour later’ they are at the Moon Beach Café (my heart breaks for the Dairi Burger) Prince Dora Explora of California has rented the entire place out. Short notice. There’s a lot of comments from Todd, Elizabeth and Jessica about the Prince’s Bodyguard, Paulo and a lot of Arthur saying things sadly about how he’s never alone, blah blah blah. Nothing much interesting until Lila (yay! Hi, Lila!) shows up, and yells at Paulo for daring to touch her. Jessica has been drooling over the Prince this entire time, so Lila, of course, has decided that she wants him herself and tells the Prince that she’s having a private party for him at her family’s estate. Although the Prince has been telling the twins how busy he’ll be while he’s in Sweet Valley, all it takes is for Jessica to say that she’ll be his date, so they can get to know each other better (Lila, awesomely, says “Why would he want to do that?”) and Prince Dora is all “Let’s par-tay”
Before school, Jessica schemes in the bathroom about the Prince while she and Elizabeth are putting on makeup.
At school, Lila is inviting people to her party, with ‘beautiful printed invitations.’ Did she go to a 24 hour formal printing shop? She invites Winston, who is suitably amazed, so that he can flirt with Jessica, freeing up Prince Dora. Devious!
After school, the whole gang is at the Moon Beach Café (Arthur rented it out again, btw). When Prince Dora shows up, they pull a fast one to get him away from his bodyguard, Paulo, by ... pretending that the King is calling Paulo on the payphone? But it’s actually Winston, who is calling from his cell phone outside? Which means Paulo does not have a cell phone and Winston does? Jessica whips him into the jeep and takes off, so ‘Paulo had no choice but to wait for his charge to return.’ Really? He can't go after them? Does the Prince walk everywhere? Why does this supposed Prince have no cell phone and no car?
Jessica and Prince Dora have basically a TV montage, which makes sense since this is a transcription of a TV show. There is lots of laughing and skipping around in water. But we do get these insights into Jessica - she’s confused by her jumbled feelings! She’d never been as interested in a guy as she has been in Prince Dora! He gives her some necklace, and she promises to never take it off. He says that he’s falling in love with her, and they make out.
Meanwhile, Todd, Elizabeth and Lila are all stuck back at the empty Moon Beach Café with fuming Paulo waiting for Jess and the Prince to return. Um, that’s boring. They really don't have to stay there. Todd says that Prince Dora will be in good hands with Jessica, and immediately wonders what drugs he’s on and Lila makes a crack about Jessica dragging the Prince to Mexico to get married. Paulo says that is impossible because the Prince is… betrothed! Dun dun dunnnnn!!
Scene change. We’re in the Wakefield's bathroom again, and Jessica is imagining what it would be like to be a princess. In her fantasy, which is another scene that I’m sure is better when you’re watching it, Lila is Jessica’s lady-in-waiting, and Jessica is ordering her around. Elizabeth interrupts her daydreams, and is about to shatter Jessica’s dream by telling her about the Prince’s fiancée. However, before she can, Jessica starts babbling about how happy and in love with Prince Dora she is, and Elizabeth is too much of a pussy to tell her the truth. Even Todd calls her out on it when arrives, a short time later, wearing a tux. They're arguing over it when Jessica comes down the stairs. But when Jessica finds out that Arthur isn’t there yet, she turns around, so that she can make a grand entrance when he arrives - because, as she explains, this could be the most important night of her life. Why? Because Jessica thinks that Prince Dora is going to propose to her tonight!
Excuse me while I go laugh for a week or so.
Hi, I’m back. That was fun. Now, everyone is at the party. Everyone is in black-tie, and waiters are passing around trays of pate, caviar and salmon cakes. Okay - hold up. At the most, the Prince arrived Monday. So in 4 days (because it says it’s Friday evening) Lila has put together a catered party with printed invitations, and everyone has formal wear? She really is my idol. Jessica and Prince Dora dance, and then Jessica tells some random chick Patty Gilbert that the Prince is going to ask her to marry him. Patty runs off into the crowd to tell everyone else (klassy!) and Elizabeth tries to warn Jessica that she may be jumping the gun a bit.
And then! Lila walks into the middle of the crowd and then!
She says that she wants to announce an engagement and then!
She drops the bomb that the Prince is betrothed to what's-her-name!
Lila Rules.
Jessica freaks out that the guy that she has known, at the most, a week, is not going to marry her, throws her necklace at him and storms out. Why no pool push? Prince Dora runs after her, and tells her, basically,’ Babe, don’t worry, I’ll talk to my daddy and tell him how much I love you and we’ll totally get married.’ Jessica is all “Okay” and they make out. He says he’ll meet her at the pier tomorrow at 7 and she’s somehow okay with that. As he watches her go, he allows a single tear to roll down his cheek. Oh, gag me.
The next day, she waits until 7:30 on the pier until deciding that he’s not going to come, and storms home, crying her blue-green eyes out. But, when she gets home, Elizabeth is waiting for her in the kitchen (of course, Elizabeth is at home, its Saturday night) and she has a letter from Prince Dora! It’s all ‘Royal emergency, blah blah blah, I don’t know what will happen in the future, blah blah blah, I will always love you, blah blah blah, forget everything I said about talking to my dad. Yours forever, Prince Arthur.' Jessica swoons and Elizabeth pulls the necklace that the Prince gave Jessica (the one that she threw at him at Lila’s party) out of the envelope and Jessica puts it on. Jessica makes a crack about never being able to go back to normal men, now that she has dated royalty - Elizabeth tells Jess “I’m sure you’ll find a way” and it ends on a classic Jessica sociopathic moment, with Jessica thinking “No matter what, Jessica Wakefield found a way.” Creepy!
What, Me Study?
Next up, we have the classic, What, Me Study? There is no transition between these stories, but it begins with Jessica in the hallway of SVH, happy that 'at least a dozen' hot guys are staring at her. So apparently, Jessica has found a way to be into non-royal guys again. And, Jessica, honey? They are staring at you for a reason and that reason is that you (and the other SVH cheerleaders) have decided to hold an 'impromptu cheerleading practice/pep rally' in the middle of the hallway. You know, as you do. You'll be happy to know that they've plugged in a portable tape player so there is some funky music blasting. Their cheer is epic - "Hey. Hey, you. Better move, we're comin' through. Hey. Hey, you. Better move, we're comin' through."
Does that not just fly off the page with its lyric intensity? Jessica came up with it! Not without help from Elizabeth, I suspect. That seems like some high caliber E. Wakefield writing there. The irony is that they are standing there, blocking anyone who may be trying to come through the hallway, and they will not move.
Anyway, Bruce & Manny (who?) are leering at them, the cheerleaders say something about splits, they high five and Mr. Russo, the chemistry teacher comes up to be creepy and tell the cheerleaders that they are 'looking good.' (ew) Jessica is failing chemistry and will be put on academic probation if she fails another test, so she is relieved when Russo doesn't sexually harass her. Meanwhile, Winston is in the Oracle office trying to 'hack' into the SVH computer. I really hope this is more dramatic in the TV show because in the book, the tension is not very high. It's basically Winston looking at the screen, he types four letters and all of a sudden the computer is all "Hello Mr. Russo, would you like to play a game?" He finds a love letter & prints it out.
Ugh. Elizabeth & Enid. They come up to Elizabeth's locker and apparently Todd has decorated it for their anniversary? Because that's what high school boys do? Enid is swooning. Todd walks up and Elizabeth has forgotten their anniversary! Enid blathers some stupid stuff and then runs away. God, even in the book of the TV show of the books, Enid is a loser.
Todders is mad that Elizabeth didn't remember their anniversary! His perfectly chiseled jaw is set in a hard line! Elizabeth is spinning him some bullshit, while staring at his deep blue eyes and that's when I call bullshit. Everyone knows that Todd's eyes are coffee-colored. I don't give a fuck what color the actor's eyes are. But whatever, she claims their anniversary is Wednesday. I don't know what day it is now. They probably don't either.
Winston comes running up the love letter he got from the computer and Elizabeth acts all sanctimonious, thinking about how she doesn't like rumors or gossip. Oh for fuck's sake, then why does she write a gossip column? Anyway, Todd and Liz warn Winston that he could get in trouble. He runs off to photocopy the letter (at first read, I didn't realize he had run, first thing, to show Liz and Todd, but now it makes me giggle that the Very First Thing Winston had to do was show Queen Liz this letter.) Jessica has been listening this whole time and plans to use Winston to get at Russo's next test.
After school, Elizabeth and Enid are watching TV at the Wakefield's and Enid is watching the Home Shopping Network. Of course she is. After some blathering about a ceramic pig Enid bought (oh, Enid), and Elizabeth calling Enid an idiot for watching this network, Elizabeth sees shoes that are signed by Shaquille O'Neal and her anniversary dilemma is solved! Sweet Valley can rest easy tonight.
All of a sudden, it's after school the next day, and everyone is at Moon Beach Cafe. Winston is handing out the copies he made of Russo's love letter and after some witty repartee with Bruce and Manny Jessica comes up to Winston and starts hitting on him, until he comes home with her. To help her study chemistry. Ugh. So they go back to the Wakefield's, and Jessica demands that he get her some water so that she can go through his backpack and try to find the password. That's right, in her own house; she's insisting that he get her water. And not just a glass of tap water, either, she's all "Tall glass, lemon, ice". Nice. She doesn't find the password in the backpack, only a bottle of mouthwash and rolls her eyes thinking that "Worrying about bad breath was vintage Egbert" Wakefield's never have bad breath, dontch'a know?
Elizabeth come home and asks if a package has come. It hasn't. Yawn.
Jessica takes Winston to the high school and they go to the Oracle office, where Winston was when he first hacked into Russo's files. Jessica basically talks dirty to Winston, saying stuff about inputs and output until he agrees to get into Russo's files for her. Winston reveals his crazy hacking trick, which is basically guessing that Mr. Russo likes soccer so he would use a famous soccer player as his password. Oh, early Nineties. You were such a simpler time. Now Mr. Russo's password would probably by DontGUEssPELEWINSTONn3rdE66BertPleaze15. I mean, that's what mine is.
Todd comes over trying to give Elizabeth her anniversary present and instead of being a normal human being and telling him that she ordered him something and it's been delayed, she tells him she was wrong before and their anniversary wasn't today, it's um, let me think, uh next Friday? Todd apparently accepts this, because next thing you know, Jessica is handing in her test, all happy that she cheated and will get an A. After school, Winston asks her out to celebrate and she blows him off. Winston is crushed.
The timeline in this story is throwing me. Its two days later, and Russo is handing the test back. He compliments Jessica on her A, but then asks her to stay after class so he can accuse her of cheating, which seems somehow backwards to me. Why praise her at all if you think she cheated? She tells him it was Winston, and shows him the love letter, which somehow convinces Mr. Russo that Winston was behind this. But if Jessica has the letter, wouldn't that make him more suspicious that it was her that went into his files? I don't understand. But Mr. Russo is convinced with this not at all logical evidence. Next thing you know, Mr. Russo has Winston in his office and is suspending him for cheating. Winston is all, I know I didn't do it! So who did? To which, I say, Duh, Winston. Duh.
That afternoon, at the Moon Beach, Winston is moaning about his suspension and how it will ruin his life. Todd and Elizabeth are attempting to cheer him up, not that it's going very well. And then Bruce calls him Eggfail which made me LOL for a good ten minutes. Winston mentions that oh yea, Jessica knew Russo's password too, and even Enid laughs at what an idiot he is.
Elizabeth goes home and yells at Jessica for being a bad person, like she's not already used to her sister being a sociopath, and says "You're not going to get away with this, Jessica" to which Jessica responds "I already have!" and I say Awesome.
So Elizabeth goes to Mr. Russo the next morning, and basically tells him he's been a moron, and here's how to prove that Jessica did it. Mr. Russo is going to announce a new test so that Jessica will try to get it out of his files! Why, that's so crazy, it just might work!
And of course, Jessica sneaks into the Oracle office and 'hacks' into Mr. Russo's files again. But instead of getting into his files, the computer starts beeping and it says Access Denied, Gotcha, Look behind You! So Jessica looks behind her, and there is Mr. Russo, Elizabeth, Todd and Winston. Why is Todd there? Oh, I guess to tell Winston that 'Those were some excellent graphics, Eggman" because that's what he says as jail cell bars come down on the screen. Jessica is caught, Winston is cleared, but oops, Mr. Russo still needs to talk to him about the love letter.
So now it is finally Todd and Elizabeth's anniversary and apparently, his shoes have arrived. But before we get to that pivotal movement, it is also the day that Jessica is off her suspension. She's back and she tries to get Winston to do her make-up work, but he blows her off. Whatever. Elizabeth and Todd exchange presents, he gives her turquoise earrings that match her eyes and she gives him two left sneakers. Wah-wahhhh. Liz thinks that maybe next year, she'll give him a poem. I would still rather have two left shoes.
The Curse of Lawrence Manson
Hope you're all ready for some spooky happenings, because next is The Curse of Lawrence Manson! It's Halloween, and everyone is at the Moon Beach Cafe again. They're discussing their plans for that evening, and apparently some guy Karl is having a costume party, which (spoiler alert) none of them end up going to, and is simply a plot contrivance to get the girls into revealing outfits. Elizabeth wants her and Todd to go as Romeo and Juliet, but Todd won't wear tights! Winston likes tights; they make him feel light and springy. What does that even mean? Bruce and Manny come over to the table with Gary Baxley, who just transferred from Eastdale. Boo, where's Big Mesa? Lila and Jessica think Gary is hot and are already fighting over him before he even speaks to either of them. Lila invites Gary to Karl's party but Bruce is quick to tell her that they're going over to SVH to see Lawrence Manson.
Who is Lawrence Manson, you may wonder. Well, Winston is wondering the same thing, so Bruce helpfully explains that he's some kid that broke into SVH 25 years ago to steal a test because the football team dared him to. But the dare was a setup and when Manson broke into the school, the football team... scared him to death? What? Now, of course, Manson walks the halls on Halloween seeking revenge. Winston and I are skeptical, but then Liz says "It's true, I read about it in the Oracle archives." Wonder what that headline was? Winston is not convinced that there is a ghost and Bruce calls him a chicken. No one calls Winston a chicken! He's in! They're all going! Yay for breaking and entering! Except for Manny, who screams about not messing with the dead and runs out of the cafe. Way to be a drama queen, Manny.
When everyone arrives at the school, Lila and Jessica are angry to find that they are both wearing the same skimpy genie costume, even though there was just a scene where Jessica told Lila that she was going to be wearing a Catwoman costume. Sigh. Gary is looking hot in a gladiator costume. Jessica and Lila immediately begin fighting over him again.
Meanwhile, Enid and Winston have a flat tire. Enid is pissed because Winston made her jack up the car, even though he is dressed as a vampire and she is dressed like Pebbles Flintstone. I'm surprised, that actually sounds kind of cute. They argue, decide to walk to the school, and Winston falls face first into a puddle of mud. Wonderful, slapstick in a book. Funny.
Back at the school, the rest of the juvenile delinquents are having a séance. Bruce is a devil, Patty Gilbert is a Viking (?), Todd and Elizabeth are dressed as Morticia and Gomez Addams. Todd, the genius, apparently used shoe polish to darken his hair and it's dripping down his face. Sigh. They all join hands and start chanting. The chant sounds like Jessica wrote it for cheerleading, that's how good it is. They want him to come and tell them his story, in all his power and glory! A candle blows out, a ghostly figure begins to move towards them and they all start screaming. Don't worry, though, Todd discovers that it's just a headless mannequin that Bruce rigged. Bruce correctly points out that it's Halloween, and it's supposed to be scary.
Winston and Enid arrive, frightening everyone again. Supposedly this is because they are all dirty from walking through the woods, but I think it's just because it's Winston and Enid. Winston goes to take a shower. As he leaves, there's a noise outside the door, and Gary manfully goes to check it out. Jessica and Lila take off after him. Even though it's been a split second since he left, he's nowhere to be seen! Suddenly, they hear a crash, and Gary moaning. When they run to find him, they only find his shredded costume. So they scream. The others come rushing out, and Jessica rushes into Elizabeth's arms. There's more moaning, but it's just Winston, fresh from the shower, bitching about a lose fang. Elizabeth wants them to all split up and look for Gary, but Patty is all 'F that, I'm outta here' and tries to run out the door. But, oh noes! The doors are all chained. In the book, it just says that they try every door only to find them all chained, but I'm sure in the show there is a delightful montage that accompanies this. They try pulling the fire alarm, but nothing happens. Elizabeth notices that Lila and Winston are missing.
Cut to - Biology room. Lila is looking for Gary (of course) but finds Winston, standing right behind the door for some reason. When Lila realizes that it's just Winston, she turns to leave, but Winston wants to try the closet. He could have done it when he was alone, but he needed Lila as an audience for the highly comedic moment that occurs next. Everyone ready? Ready? He's about to open it! A skeleton falls out on top of him!! Oh, the lolz. Lila agrees, and is cracking up because Winston was attacked by Mr. Bones, the model they use in biology. They try to get Mr. Bones (original name, btw, Liz must have helped with that) back in the closet, and they get locked in the closet together. Lila, rightfully so, begins screaming.
I guess everyone has split up to look for Gary, Winston and Lila, because now, Todd and Liz are wandering around the school. So they make out. Todd points out that it's almost midnight and that's when Lawrence stops walking the halls. Because he's a ghost with a curfew. Elizabeth is relieved, so they have to make out some more. Then the wall clock falls and Liz shrieks. Todd hugs her and Elizabeth wonders what her sister is doing.
Jessica, Bruce, Patty and Enid are back in the classroom where they were originally. I assume this is due to budget constraints. They are all sitting around, talking about how safe they feel, when Enid finds a test paper with all the answers on it. Jessica is thrilled (Oh, Jessica, haven't you learned your lesson from before?) until they realize that the test is from 1969! The year that Lawrence died, Bruce helpfully points out. The girls no longer feel safe, and the lights go off, then on again. Bruce starts laughing, until a gloved hand comes out of nowhere and covers his mouth. The girls scream. I guess in the show, the hand comes out of like a doorway or window or something. However, in the book, it literally just comes out of nowhere, and I agree. That would be scary.
But this is scarier: Winston and Lila are still trying to get out of the closet. Lila is not getting a signal on her cell phone. Winston comforts her by saying they'll probably suffocate in the closet and Lila starts to cry. Winston realizes what an ass he's being and apologizes. He (shudder) puts his arm around her. Lila tells him that she's glad she's not alone in there. Winston realizes how beautiful Lila is. Hide your eyes now, children. Lila and Winston begin to kiss. Oh, Twin Hearts. We were having such a good time, and now I'm going to have to burn every copy of you on earth. Luckily, the kissing is over in a sentence when Todd begins rattling the doorknob. Anxious to continue making out, Winston hurls himself out of the closet and on top of Todd. Yeah. They go to rejoin the others, and Patty explains that Bruce was with them, but he's probably dead now. Winston shushes them - someone is walking down the hall! They should listen. Even though 5 minutes ago they were terrified and screaming anytime they heard a noise.
They have to listen, because Bruce is walking with Manny, laughing over how they scared the others. Color me surprised! Manny was in on it all along!! Todd is furious, and he slams his fist against the lab table. A table got ToddPunched! They must get even with Bruce, Manny and Gary (oh yeah, Gary is in on it too. You knew that, right?) Jessica already has a plan. They all put their heads together and whisper.
Half an hour later, Bruce, Manny and Gary are all hanging out waiting for the others to show up so they can laugh at them. They haven't been able to find Todd and the gang anywhere! Ruh-roh, Raggy! Suddenly, Jessica comes flying down the hallway past them, covered in blood and screaming. Bruce grabs her and asks her what's going on. She points and stutters and Bruce lets her go. He's 'trying to look casual' as he attempts to order Manny to go check out the classroom that Jess was pointing at. Manny refuses to go alone, so they all decide to go together. When they enter the classroom, Lila, Todd, Elizabeth, Winston, Enid and Patty are lying covered in blood, looking like they've been stabbed a million times. Bruce, Gary and Manny are freaked out. Winston starts moving, opening his mouth so blood pours out and the guys start running. They try the alarm, but Manny cut the alarm! They try the doors, but Manny locked the doors! Bruce, realizing he is about to die, awesomely thinks about how he'll never get to drive his Porsche again, when he hears laughter coming from behind him.
Haha! It's Liz, Todd and the gang and they are all yukking it up at Bruce being scared. Now Winston can call Bruce a chicken! Winston, you should have just told him there was a chicken in the school, and that would have scared Bruce just as much. There's not much time for the hilarity though, because Elizabeth sees a shadow in the hallway - but they're all in this room! They all run - thorough the door. Having no trouble with the chains now, I see.
The shadow was apparently a janitor, who is pushing his broom down the hallway as disembodied laughter surrounds him. He tells the ghost of Lawrence Mason that all those assholes are gone now (I may be paraphrasing). I guess it's supposed to be a creepy ending, but all I can think about is why that janitor let them run around the school, screaming and destroying school property and didn't call the cops.
Coma
Wow, here we are at the final (and best) story in this whole watery book. That's right, folks, it's ... COMA TIME!!
Jessica is driving Elizabeth to the Moon Beach Cafe, even though Elizabeth has a story that's due at the Oracle in just 1/2 an hour. Jessica wants to scam on some guy that already has a girlfriend, and bulldozes Elizabeth until she agrees to go in for ten minutes. They're about to go in the cafe, when a babe on a motorcycle pulls up. Jessica's words, not mine. I'm shocked when the babe pulls his helmet off to reveal - Todd! Jessica expresses disbelief and it's explained that Jess and Todd have a love-hate relationship. Um, if that's what you want to call it, sure. Todd offers to take Liz for a ride, and she refuses. Todd wishes that Elizabeth was a little more like Jessica (FORESHADOWING).
As Elizabeth enters the cafe, Bruce is walking out, and makes a reference to Todd's tricycle. Bruce is pretty funny sometimes. He hits on Liz and Elizabeth thinks about how skeezy he is. In the cafe, Jessica hits on Dean, the guy with the girlfriend, and Liz tries to discourage Todd from buying a bike (the one that he's riding is borrowed) mentioning that her parents disapprove of them, marking the first and last reference to parents in this entire book - and this is page 94. When Liz realizes that ten minutes are up and she has to go, she's just in time to see Jessica pulling out of the parking lot in the Jeep with Dean. His girlfriend is apparently left standing at the counter, confused about what just happened. Real catch there, Jessica. Liz has to get to the Oracle, so she reluctantly agrees to get a ride on Todd's motorcycle.
In a shocking turn of events, Liz loves the motorcycle! The book describes her ride as delicious ecstasy and I giggle a little bit. Elizabeth decides to throw her arms in the air like she just don't care and a truck comes careening around the corner! Todd, swerving to avoid the truck, hits a pothole and Elizabeth is thrown through the air. As Todd rushes to help her, she's in a crumpled, bloody heap.
At the hospital, everyone is there, with the notable exception of Ned and Alice Wakefield. Winston tells Lila, Patty and Enid that Todd is fine, that he only has cuts and bruises. Jessica comes out from... wherever she was and tells everyone tearfully that Elizabeth is in a coma!
Three days later, Jessica is sitting at Liz's bedside, doing that thing where you talk to people in a coma because supposedly they can hear you, and you do a monologue about how much that person means to you and what a fool you've been. As Jessica is lamenting her unworthiness to be Liz's sister, Todd creeps up behind her. When Jess realizes that he's there, they starting fighting over whose fault the accident was. Jessica is attempting to throw Todd out (my question is who let Todd in?) when Elizabeth flat-lines and the doctors have to do the paddle-things on her. There's a lot of shouting 'Clear'. Yay! Liz wakes up, Jess is happy and Todd is never going to ride a motorcycle again. Happy ending for all!
Oh. Never mind. There's more. Okay, it's now three weeks later, and Liz is coming back to school for the first time since the accident. Lila, Patty and Enid are waiting at her locker for her and Enid lets it slip that Liz has refused to see her or Todd while she's been out. The school doors swing open and there's a hot blonde with blue-green eyes, wearing a tight t-shirt and a short leather skirt. Everyone is all "Oh hey, Jess" but when Jessica walks up behind them, they realize its Liz and do spit-takes. Bruce comes up and hits on New Elizabeth and she flirts right back. Jessica is incensed, especially when she realizes that Liz is wearing her clothes! Todd comes up trotting up to say hello, and Elizabeth gives him the cold shoulder before walking off with Bruce. A scant three hours later, Elizabeth breaks up with Todd when he comes to pick her up for lunch. Harsh. Todd is sad. Friday, New Elizabeth is at the Moon Beach Cafe flirting with everything in sight. The last straw for Jessica, though, is when Liz steals Dean from her - just like Jessica did to Dean's original girlfriend. What exactly did you expect, Jess?
Jessica is so upset, in fact, that she goes straight from the cafe to the hospital (how, I'm not sure, since Elizabeth is already using the Jeep) to find Elizabeth's doctor. The doctor tells Jess that they see this a lot, and it's more common than one might think, which is helpful not at all. Jessica demands that the doctor 'give Liz a shot or something' to change her back. The doctor laughs in her face, gives her a condescending shoulder pat (I guess since Liz isn't giving those out anymore) and suggests that maybe Jessica should attempt to talk to her sister. Rational advice in Sweet Valley? Don't worry, even though Jess acts upon the advice the doctor gave her, her attempt to talk to her sister is basically just showing up in Elizabeth's bedroom and yelling at her. Elizabeth laughs at Jessica and how pissed off she is and leaves, telling Jessica if she wants Dean, she can have him.
Saturday, Todd is whining to Winston at, you guessed it, the Moon Beach Cafe. He misses the Old Elizabeth and he's sad that he ever wished that Liz would act more like Jessica.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth is out in the Moon Beach Parking lot with Bruce, about to go up to Miller's Point with him in his Porsche (they don't say anything about it being 1BRUCE1 but you know it is). New Liz is all 'Who needs Miller's Point' and starts making out with Bruce right there in the parking lot, the hussy. Lila walks by, thinking about how awesome she looks in her tight brown shorts, with a matching jacket and straw hat (WHAT?) when she spots them - hope she was holding onto her hat! Lol!
Sorry about that. Ahem. Anyway, Lila runs in to tell everyone what she just saw and apparently is shouting when she's telling Enid, because Todd overhears her, and is going all ToddPunch Smash things. Todd runs out to the parking lot and screams at Bruce to get out of the car, Elizabeth is screaming at Todd to leave them alone, and Winston is screaming at Todd to chill out. Bruce throws the first punches, but it's a full-fledged fistfight when Jessica arrives. Jessica screams at Elizabeth that this is all Elizabeth's fault! Liz is too enthralled by the fight to answer her, so Jessica grabs her. Elizabeth yells 'Leave me alone' and pushes Jessica so that she falls on her ass - right in the path of a speeding car!
Luckily, it stops short of actually hitting Jessica, and Elizabeth is properly shamed by almost killing her sister. She sobs that she just wanted to be wild for once, and she never meant to hurt anyone. Jessica tells her that it's okay; she still loves her sister and forgets all about the part where she almost got Elizabeth killed. The fight between Bruce & Todd is apparently over - Bruce is whining about his chipped tooth bonding, and Todd is inside icing his head, while Winston is sitting beside him, speaking softly (heh). Liz walks up to Todd and thinks the appropriate first thing to say is "So, you really creamed Bruce, huh?" When Todd tries to walk away, Elizabeth apologizes to him, saying he didn't deserve to be treated like that. Todd agrees, but soon softens when he realizes Old Liz is back. But she didn't even get hit on the head again! Or is that the cure for amnesia? They make out.
Lila and Jess are sitting in a booth, watching Todd and Liz make up (and out). They agree that it is nauseating and Jessica is relieved to be getting her fall wardrobe back. Jessica is never going to wish for her sister to change ever again! Everyone together now - awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.
Wow - that was a lot of Sweet Valley. Sorry it's so long, but even though this was a short book, there was a lot going on - Royalty and comas and costumes, oh my! Hope it was okay. And to all of you who do, like, a ton of these? Thank you so much, you rock my socks!