Sometimes I think the makers of Sweet Valley High have gone to Wes Craven's Scream school of production -- creating a moderately entertaining film/TV show while mercilessly mocking the genre of which it claims to belong. At least, I hope that's the idea. The fact that anyone actually considered this to be a "serious" teen show is frightening. But alas, a funny thing happened as I was watching this episode of SVH TV. I realised something, something I'd never realised before -- this show is getting better. It clearly wasn't a difficult feat to improve on last season. The bar was so low, they could practically step over it. Still, I'm finding that these episodes are...dare I say it...funny? Amusing? No longer suicide-inducing except when Liz is onscreen? Here's but a taste:
At the Moon Beach, Bruce has installed his very own security camera, assumedly to tackle the felonicity of the crime dungeon that is Sweet Valley. (Yeah, I just made up a word. But it was a neat one, so we're cool here.) As he's assuring Winston that the camera will catch certain waiters giving out free hot dogs to their mates, he pats him on the back and Winston starts to choke on his burger. Jessica walks in, listens to Winston's spluttering noises for a few seconds, then tells him that he sounds uncool. How right she is. Choking death is so lame. No wonder it gets picked on all the time by the much cooler kids in his class, gunshot wound and autoerotic asphyxiation. Eventually Jess is so grossed out, she gets up to leave, and Winston follows her, still choking. Wow, this is brutal. She pushes him away, and he runs into the counter and spits the burger back out.
Mocking a choking victim is always funny.
Winston tells everyone in the Moon Beach how Jessica saved his life, and Jess is like, "You'd have to get a life before I could save it." Heh. Everyone starts applauding and whooping, just as Liz and Todd walk in. Aw crap, she's back with Todd. Winston tells them again that Jess saved his life, and even Todd is impressed. Todd. Who hates Jessica. Winston states that because Jess saved him from a terrible (and uncool) death, he is now and forever her personal genie. Um...what? That's an interesting thought process. Saving someone's life entitles you to a free genie? Look, I saw Aladdin and its direct-to-video sequel, and I'm pretty sure that's not how that shit works. Jessica asks him to build her a walk-in closet. Well, hooray for the heroine. Seems to me that everyone's focusing on the wrong thing here. Yeah, Jessica accidentally saved Winston, but you know what else happened accidentally just moments before? BRUCE NEARLY KILLED HIM. Bruce Patman's slap on the back nearly took Winston's life. That. Is so. Freaking. Awesome. First attempted rape and now attempted murder? NuBruce is really growing on me.
Because seriously, this guy's just asking for it.
Enid walks in with her new boyfriend, David. He's way out of her league, but hey, this is a TV show that frequently suspends reality. Todd already knows David from the basketball team, and says that he's "phat." Phat, you guys, phat. Todd said 'phat', and not ironically. Just let that sink in for a moment. The gang sits down and gets their menus, but come David's turn to order, he doesn't even glance at the menu. He just listens to Enid's order and says he'll have what she's having. (Resist that When Harry Met Sally quip. It's too easy. Resist!) Todd gives him a suspicious look. Or a stoned look. I can't be sure, but since he just said the word 'phat', I'm going to go with the latter.
Enid seems to think that now is the perfect time for homework, and gets out her folder. Liz asks why she's doing her homework twice, and she says that she's just copying the answers out for David because he hurt his wrist playing basketball. Then David rushes off all shady-like to find out what's keeping the food that they ordered ten seconds ago. Probably time, David, and the way they tend to cook food in places like this. Just a guess, man. After David leaves, Todd turns to Enid all excited-like and says, "Way to go, Enid!" Hee! I love that he doesn't even try to hide his surprise at Enid scoring a jock. And I guess this means he's not suspicious of Dave yet, so stoner look it is, then.
"Righteous, dude."
At school, Jessica excitedly tells Lila that some trashy current affairs show called Current Exposé is going to cover her dramatic Heimlich manoeuvre rescue of Winston. Lila helpfully tells us that said program's motto is "all the scandal worth suing over" so we know it's high-class stuff right here. What Jess says next is so hysterical, I'm going to have to quote it for you verbatim:
Jessica: "They're going to recreate the entire piece, how I found Winston, untangled his body from the power lines shocking him, gave him CPR and carried him all the way to the hospital...despite my own serious wounds."
Lila: "Jess, hair and nails don't get wounds."
Also, I should say that Brittany Daniel really seems to be owning her Jessica role this season. Last year it was all schemy faces and one-eyebrow raises, but she must've got some acting lessons or something because she's totally bringing it. Anyway, back to the story. Jess mentions that none of this would've happened had Bruce not run away after his backslap-and-run on Winston, and Bruce comes out of nowhere, like Disney villains are prone to do, and tells her that she'd better not say anything like that on TV. Jess says that since the show's doing their own dramatic recreation of the event, everyone will see what an awful guy he is. Bruce declares that "this means war," and I'm kinda excited about it. NuBruce, you're all right.
Even if your crazy-eyed fight face needs a little work.
David, Enid's new slice of man meat, is joining Liz's chemistry class, and she's assigned to be his partner. Mr. Science Teacher Guy (they've either recast Russo, or it's a completely different character altogether) holds up a list of chemicals that shouldn't be mixed together, lest they want the entire school to blow up. Oh, what a carefree and school-blowupy world we used to live in pre-Columbine. Before David comes over, Enid tells Liz that she and Dave are totally into each other. She's written him a note asking him to meet her at the movies tonight, and asks Liz if she thinks she should give it to him. Why oh why ask Liz's permission, Enid? Aren't you guys already dating? Isn't the point of dating to actually, I don't know, go on dates? Liz very sagely tells her that perhaps asking him out on a date will facilitate the dating process, so Enid quickly slips the note into David's backpack when he's not looking. Balls of steel, Rollins, balls of steel. Liz laughs, because Liz is the cruellest person on the face of the planet. She actually says that she's "impressed" with Enid's ability to slip things into backpacks when said backpack owner isn't looking. I think she half expected Enid to take three steps in the guy's direction, then burst into tears and curl up into a ball on the chem lab floor. Enid runs off, probably to throw up, and Liz watches as Dave finds Enid's note...and uses it to wrap up his used piece of gum. And what does Liz do?
Disapproves silently.
Later that night, Todd and Liz are shooting some pool at the Moon Beach when a dejected-looking Enid walks in. She explains that she was waiting for David at the movie theatre for an hour before realising that he'd stood her up. Todd McSensitive helpfully says, "Aw, come on, Enid. He could've just...gotten into a car accident!" Todd, on a scale of one to helpful, that's like negative a billion. Just then, David rocks up, and Enid asks what happened with their date. I find it odd that she's able to confront the guy who stood her up, but can't ask him out in the first place. David explains that he had to go get his wrist x-rayed. Again with the wrist, David! What could you be doing that keeps putting so much strain on your wrist? Wait, scratch that. I don't want to know.
And neither does Todd.
Jessica arrives at the Moon Beach with Lila and an entourage of good-looking guys. She's regaling them with tales of her brush with fame via trashy tabloid Current Exposé. Bruce comes up to her and asks for a moment of her time. He gives her a video tape and tells her she'd better take a look at it -- it's the footage from the security camera he oh-so-conveniently installed mere seconds before he tried to kill Winston. (That will never not be funny.) Bruce blackmails her into wearing a giant chicken costume and standing out the front of the Moon Beach yelling, "Chicken! Get your chicken!" Which, as I recall it, is how Brad Pitt
got his start, so go Jess. Sure, you're embarrassed now, but who'll be laughing when you marry Angelina Jolie? (Probably still me.) Bruce comes outside and criticises Jess's chicken performance, yelling, "Louder! And...move around a little!" Which sounds like something he'd say to his paper cup victims as well. Bruce has what Jim Carrey would call a rapist wit.
Funny how the crazy eyes come naturally after that line.
Back in chemistry class, Mr. Maybe Russo Science Teacher Man asks everyone to hand in their assignments, and Liz decides to open up David's folder and meddle hand his assignment in for him. Of course, all the pages are blank. He says that he's been falling behind, because he has to work twice as hard on his basketball because of his mysterious but totally real wrist injury. Liz tells the teacher that they didn't do their assignment, and they're forced to stay after school to do it. During detention, he gives them the same set of questions and tells them they have twenty minutes to finish. David looks freaked. I wonder how his magical wrist is going to get him out of this one. Instead he just gets angry and rushes out of the classroom.
Liz catches up to him in the hallway, and demands to know why he's not doing the assignment, asking, "Is it your wrist?" Seriously, Liz? You actually believe that whole wrist thing? How natural selection hasn't picked you off yet is a mystery. David storms off, and Liz finally comes to the conclusion that he's illiterate. I'd snark how long it's taken for her to work it out, but if I was living in the real world and someone acted like that, the fact that he might be illiterate probably wouldn't have been my first thought either. Using Enid for her brains and pushoverness? Totally. Generally being a douchenozzle? Sure, go for it. Illiterate? Not so much. It's all very Liz Lemon of her.
Liz Wakefield, once again robbing someone of the will to live.
I'm pretty sure this video is missing the next couple of minutes of the episode, but since this show is as predictable as they come, I can probably fill in the blanks for you -- Winston's fallen in love with Jessica, and Jess can't get rid of him. Okay, everyone updated? Any questions? No? Good, back to the recap. Suddenly we're at the local pool. Why a Wakefield would be seen anywhere near a community pool is beyond me, but she's there. And so's Lila. Ew. Lila is trying to figure out a way to get Winston to leave Jess alone, and suggests that they get Bruce to send the security camera footage to Current Exposé so Winston can see once and for all that Jessica didn't save him. Even though he was there, and why would he believe all that elecrtic fence crap anyway? Jessica's reaction: "I don't want to let my fans down!" Jess, I love you. I shouldn't, but I do. Lila reminds her that the only thing people care about while watching TV is how good you look. Jess can be as immoral as she pleases, but as long as she looks a million bucks, she's golden.
Jessica puts the plan into action by going to the Moon Beach and performing a cheer about how the burgers Bruce sells are gross and slimy. Bruce very calmly comes up to her and tells her that he's sending his video to Current Exposé. Oh, Bruce. You think you're badass, but you're not. You are but a pawn in the Wakefield chess game. The top hat in the Wakefield Monopoly. The lead pipe in the Wakefield Clue.
Don't fuck with Miss Peacock.
Enid walks into class and demands to know why Elizabeth freaked out on David the other day. Liz decides that now would be a good time to share her wild, unfounded theories about David's illiteracy and present them as fact. I like how she doesn't even think for a second that she could be wrong. Her theory is, "It came out of my brain, therefore it is correct." She reminds Enid about the homework-copying and the menu-avoiding to prove her point. Oh my God, Liz, that proves nothing. We the viewers know you're right, but still, that proves nothing.
Just then, David decides to do some chemistry work on his own, and mixes two substances on the Do Not Mix list they helpfully received at the start of the episode. Liz pushes him out of the way as the chemicals start to fizzle and smoke. Everyone just kinda stands around and watches them through the smoke, even though that's fucking chemical smoke, and shouldn't there be some sort of evacuation? If it's gnarly enough for Liz to have to push David out of the way, I'm pretty sure inhaling it is a one-way trip to the iron lung. Liz yells (yells!) at him, "There's a list of dangerous chemicals you CAN'T MIX!" Liz, either you think he's illiterate or you think he's not illiterate. You can't tell his girlfriend that he's unable to read and then yell at him for not reading a list correctly. Then she yells at him for being illiterate. Yeah, fuck you, David! How dare you have a learning disability!
"Learn to read already, Shortbus!"
Back at the Moon Beach, Bruce is handing out flyers to his customers, reminding them to watch Jessica get humiliated on Current Exposé tonight. He's even donned a suit for the occasion. Sigh. I want your babies, Bruce. The patrons all gather around the TV to watch the show, as the presenter tells the world that Jessica has broken the hearts of the nation and they have some new footage from "an anonymous tipster, no doubt a seedy semi-criminal fink himself." Hee! I love when Sweet Valley High TV is genuinely funny. They show the footage, Winston looks heartbroken, and then we get Jess's interview:
Host: "Jessica, how do you account for your shameless attempt to gain renown from the unfortunate accident of a peer?"
Jessica: "I blame society, Jed."
Pictured: good television, according to Lila.
She then goes on to point the finger at all the female characters from Dynasty, Melrose Place "and the short lived Models Inc." Whoah. Sweet Valley High just made an absolutely cracking pop culture reference! Oh, and she then blames the whole choking debacle on one Bruce Patman. She even shows everyone a picture of him.
Probably not his best side...
The broadcast ends. Jess is the quasi-hero, Bruce is the villain. As it should be, really. I mean, I love Bruce, but he's so much hotter as the antagonist. Winston tells Jessica how shameless she is for pretending to save his life, but he still wants to be her genie for some reason Robin Williams could never explain to me, not even in catchy song form.
At the Wakefield house, Enid is hanging out with Todd and Liz when David drops by. Good thing he didn't think to look for Enid at her own house, I guess. He tells them that the rumors of his illiteracy are true -- he can't read. Like, at all? He's a junior in high school -- how has nobody ever picked this up? This is the question Todd wants answered as well, and it makes me a little sick that Todd and I think alike. He says that as long as he was the basketball star, his coaches always made sure he passed each grade. How Sue Sylvester. Liz decides that perhaps yelling at the boy who can't read or write is a little passé, so instead she gives him a condescending speech about how good it is that he's facing up to his own failures as a human being. Liz, I fucking hate you so much more than words can express. And, uh, then there's a group hug just in time for the freeze-frame, which seems more than a little strange. Todd doesn't participate in the group hug, and it's scenes like these that make me think Todd just might be the sanest of them all. While everyone else is Kumbaya-ing away in their group hug, Todd and I could probably hang out every once in a while.
If anyone wants us, we'll be at the Moon Beach.