SVH TV Episode 1.18: Dancin' Fools
Oh my God, you guys! I totally forgot to recap this episode! I even pre-made a couple of screencaps for some of the scenes way back when, and then stuff happened (what stuff? I don't know, but I'm sure there was stuff. There's always stuff) and it completely slipped my mind. Just when you think my TV-recapping days are over, I come back at ya with more nineties hilarity. I just won't die, like a serial killer...or a Wakefield.
Actually, the reason I even picked up my SVH box-set is because I'm at home, nursing a pinched back nerve or some crap. (I hate going to the doctor, but Yahoo Answers has been very helpful with my diagnosis. And scary. I hope it's a pinched nerve and not kidney disease or tetanus.) I've been passing my time watching my beloved 90210 DVDs, but I'm getting pretty mad at Kelly and Dylan as of late, so I feet like now is the right time to take a little break before we all say something we regret. (Dylan is an asshat. There, I said it.) Thankfully, Steve's gotten rid of his curly blonde mullet now. But as usual, I digress. Also, I had a really vivid, funny and horrifying Sweet Valley-related dream last night. It was kinda sick, really. I might tell you about it at the end, if I remember.
And we're back in time for another day at Sweet Valley High. Jessica, Lila and Winston are talking about the upcoming Pacific Freestyle Dance Competition. Or something like that. Jessica takes great pleasure in bragging to Lila about how for the past few years she's come first, and all Lila's won is a free carwash. Ugh, Jessica. She mentions how her partner Franco is a brilliant dancer, and this must true because he has such an exotic name. I've watched enough So You Think You Can Dance to know this, you see. Winston tells Lila that he could be her partner, and she's like, "Bitch, please!" and walks off. Jessica makes fun of Winston -- quite unnecessary, but it's what I've come to expect from her.
Oh, and this year the winning dancer gets to be on some dance TV show. This will probably be important later on. Or not; I can't remember. I'm just covering all my bases here.
Lila and Jess are hanging out at the Wakefields'. Evidently, class was even more boring than this stupid dance storyline, because as usual it didn't feature. Franco, Jess's dance partner, arrives, greeting Jessica as Miss Thing. Ugh. Franco also tells Lila she's looking taller this year. Jess says, "That's because you're used to looking down at her from the winners' podium." Jessica, please leave here and never come back. Turns out Franco's just stopped by to tell Jess that he can't participate in this year's dance comp, because he's been called up as a backing dancer for the Queen. Not Queen Elizabeth, as Lila (adorably) asks, but Madonna. The fact that this pop-culture reference is still relevant just proves my theory that Madge should just retire already. But I digress. Jess actually says, "I can't believe he chose Madonna over me!" Lila's reaction: "Imagine!" Oh, and did I mention that Franco rocked up to Casa Wakefield dressed in a fishnet muscle-shirt, leather vest and studded belt? No? Well, here's a recap to make up for it:
Ned! Your rent boy is here!
The boys (but not Bruce, boo!) are at the Moon Beach, talking about how Todd refuses to enter the dance contest with his beloved. He's trying to think up a good excuse to get out of it when Koichi suggests something radical -- tell Elizabeth the truth, that he doesn't like to dance. Koichi, I guess it's because you haven't been in this town for very long, but you have to know that is not the Sweet Valley way. You avoid the truth as long as possible. That's just how it's done, man. Todd thinks saying that to Liz would "hurt her feelings", although I don't see how. He goes on some spiel about how "prancing around in a tutu in some ballroom" is for pussies. (Or, alternatively, dudes who wear fishnet muscle shirts.) Winston says that there are plenty of manly dudes who dance, like John Travolta, Kevin Bacon and Michael Jackson. Then he's like, "Scratch that last one." Ooh, harsh. For some reason, I've been watching a lot of stuff with pre-death Michael Jackson cracks in them lately. It's just awkward. I want to move on now before someone makes a Boyzone joke.
At that moment, Liz walks in and Todd bails. Evidently he does not have a decent cover story for the dance comp yet. Liz tells the two remaining boys that Jess's partner Franco is jet-setting around the world as part of Madonna's entourage. (He'd better take that studded belt off before the security checkpoint.) She says that Jess is holding auditions for a new dance partner, but none of them seem to share my opinion that this is a really douchey, princess act. In fact, Koichi decides he'd better go "limber up." Something about that phrase is making me uncomfortable and taking me to a weird visual place. Let's talk about something else for a bit.
Winston tells Liz he wants to enter the dance comp. He's even been taking lessons at some fancy academy. Good thinking, Win -- taking dance lessons oughta improve your social standing. If Bruce were here, he'd be having a field day. (I miss you, Bruce!) Liz tells him to audition to be Jess's partner (seriously? No one thinks her auditioning her friends is weird?) and he's like, "Nah, she just said this morning that she'd never be my dance partner." After some comforting words from Liz, Win's changed his tune and is now like, "Yeah! Totally! Thank you for the dose of self-confidence, St. Liz!" and dances out of the diner...only to crash into a waiter carrying two drinks. Liz thinks this is hilarious. Me? Not so much.
Jess is auditioning her peers to see which of them gets the fantastic prize of putting up with her bullshit for the next couple of weeks. Koichi's first, dressed as a cowboy. (Obviously ready to do some line dancing -- FORESHADOWING!) Jessica slams the door in his face. Some random guy dressed in a black catsuit, Manny dressed in Saturday Night Fever garb, Winston dressed as Winston, and what appears to be a male stripper follow, and they all get the door-slam treatment from Jessica. Even the stripper. But seriously, a stripper? Really? There's a male student at Sweet Valley High who moonlights as a Chippendale? Okay, I have to stop my recap now and think who this could be.
And yes, he's gyrating.
Okay, I'm back. No luck on the stripper front, although I've decided it might be Rick Andover. He always did seem to be one step away from total desperation and poverty, so maybe that's how he's getting his Kelly's money these days -- doing his thang as the moms of Sweet Valley stuff dollar bills into his leopard g-string. Okay, I've taken myself to another scary visual place. (Yes, Alice Wakefield's there, too.) Anyway, out in the hall, Enid is listening to some nondescript dance music at her locker, when Saturday Night Manny comes along and they break out into a totally bizarre choreographed dance. Manny appears to have more or less grasped the concept of disco-dancing, but Enid's hopping on one foot and rubbing her butt. And it's...weird. I don't even know what I just saw. I kind-of wish I hadn't seen it. This whole episode is making my brain hurt. Anyway, despite the fact that Enid is fucking hopeless, they decide to enter the dance competition together. Enid, I don't particularly like you, but please don't do that butt-rubbing move onstage. Please. I wouldn't wish humiliation like that on anyone, not even Todd.
Ewwwww...
Speaking of, Todd and Liz are outside the Moon Beach. Todd's been trying to avoid Liz, but she's totally one step ahead of him. She tells him that she knows he hates dancing, so she's not making him enter this year -- she's going to dance with Koichi instead. Todd's all, "Oh really? That's nice," even though in his mind, Koichi is totally getting Toddpunched. And for the first time in this episode, my tendency to create mental pictures like this takes me to Toddpunch heaven. In fact, I'm thinking he'll Toddpunch Koichi into a pool, thereby making it a Toddpunch pool-push, and that's made of all sorts of awesome. Anyway, we really ought to get back to reality now. They'll be wondering where we got to.
Jessica stalks over to the two, and Liz enquires as to how her lame-o auditions went. Ugh, Rick Andover as a stripper is coming back into my mind. I really wish I hadn't made that connection. Jess tells her that Liz has a better chance of winning with sucky-dancer Todd , and Todd gets all huffy and is like, "Not this year she doesn't!" and stalks off. Because I know that's how I act when everything works out for me and I get exactly what I want. Todd's got problems that can't be solved by regular therapists. Just move to Vermont already.
Just then, Lila arrives in an automobile that I can only describe as being NOT A LIME-GREEN TRIUMPH. I am outraged, and I think rightly so, no? In the passenger seat is Rico, some Latin dancer Daddy Fowler's flown in from Spain just so Lila can win the dance contest. And according to Rico, Daddy Fowler's paying "mucho dinero," which even I know means "lots of DeNiro." And I don't even speak Spanish. Jessica freaks out because she doesn't have a partner. Well, good. Fucking good. I hate seeing those goddamn Wakefields get anything and everything they want.
Liz asks Jessica to pretty-please consider having Winston as her dance partner. Jessica's like, "Yeah, maybe," and when she goes to her rehearsal space the next day, Winston's already boogying. Actually, he's doing some sort of stupid-looking interpretative dance. Jessica says, "This is hard for me to admit, Winston, but you're not half bad." Um, Jessica? No. No, he's all bad. If you're basing your judgement on those moves he just pulled, then you have every right to start the Nelson Muntz ha ha-ing right about now. But of course, what I think isn't important. It's all about what Jessica thinks. Because she's a Wakefield. And I'm not.
Winston starts tripping over (because he's a shit dancer! What did I just say?) and Jess yells at him and says, "If I agree to take you on, we dance to win!" Only it totally sounds like she's saying 'wen', and I instantly started wracking my brains trying to think of a nineties band called Wen. And yes, I went back and watched it a few times. Bitch says 'wen'. Jessica Wakefield can't even pronounce one-syllable words right. She truly is an epic failure.
The one time Winston gets it right.
Music montage time. This one's so boring -- it's just our favourite Sweet Valley couples practising their dance moves. Lila seems to be working Rico harder than herself, which is definitely very Lila-esque and I'm quite proud of her. Earn those DeNiros, Rico! Jess and Winston gradually get better and better as the montage goes on, and Koichi and Liz are having fun doing some toe-tapping country western dancing. Todd's really missing out. Suck it, Toddles.
At the Moon Beach, Jess is telling Winston about her new ideas for their dance, and Winston dares speak out of turn and suggest one of his own. Somewhat surprisingly, Jess thinks it's a good idea. How harmonious! What could possibly spoil this moment? I'll tell you what...the return of Franco!
Looking a little less BDSM this time.
Franco tells them that he got kicked off the Madonna tour because he "refused to play Truth or Dare," which I totally didn't get. So I Googled it. And now I do. And it's pretty funny. Anyway, he offers to be Jessica's partner again, and she totally forgets all about Winston and is like, "Hells yeah!" Words cannot describe my anger right now. Why does poor old Winston always get the short stick? Is it the glasses? Is it? Why can't fucking Manny get thrown under the bus every once in a while?
That night at the Wakefields', Liz is being all passive-aggressive angry to Jessica, but what else is new? She's like, "Winston's good people, and you fucked him over. Again." Jessica seems to think it's okay to mess with other people's emotions as long as it results in her winning, and I ask again, what else is new? Jessica justifies her actions by saying that Winston probably would've made a fool out of himself, and she's just saving him from public humiliation. Actually no, Jessica, that's Enid. Seriously. I've seen the hopping and the butt-rubbing. Liz doesn't buy it for a second. Jessica doesn't care. What a happy family. The Wakefield parents don't even notice what's going on, because Alice is out getting a lapdance from Rick Andover, and Ned's off somewhere leading Franco around on a choker-chain. God, I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry, but those mental pictures keep haunting me!
The next day, Todd and Liz are arguing about the stupid dance comp again. Liz justifies her actions by reminding Todd that every year he makes up a lame excuse to get out of it, and this year she actually wants to dance with a willing partner. Todd is mad that Liz didn't even ask him. Because...Todd's a woman? Todd is displaying some very irrational, stereotypically-feminine behaviour here. Then this exchange happens, and it confuses me, so I'll just give it to you word for word:
Liz: Maybe this year I want to dance with Koichi!
Todd: Well maybe I want to dance with someone else!
Liz: Fine! Ask whoever you want!
Todd (totally serious): I would...except I hate dancing!
THEN WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT, TODD? What is this solving, really? Todd's getting into yet another fight with Liz -- OVER ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! NOTHING! Todd is an hysterical female! I just...I hate empathising with Liz, but I really bloody do. This must be a proud day for Todd.
Casa Wakefield. Jessica gets a bunch of flowers from Franco, with a card attached. Liz tells her she'd better read the card, which tells me that Liz has already read it. She's so sneaky like that. I want to snark her for it, and yet I don't have the heart today. Maybe because I'm feeling for her (Todd = douchetard, remember?) or maybe it's because Jessica's being bitchier than usual, but Liz is okay today. Anyway, Franco sends his apologies -- he's taken a job teaching cha-cha in Bora Bora, and won't be able to dance with her. Hee! Take a good look around, Jessica, that's what square one looks like.
Jessica takes my advice (sorta) and takes a good look...at the card. Apparently Franco's job is on a cruise ship -- the Royal Fowler cruise ship. Okay, first of all, HOW TOTALLY AWESOME IS IT THAT LILA'S FAMILY OWNS A CRUISE SHIP?! And secondly, HOW TOTALLY AWESOME IS IT THAT LILA SENT AWAY JESS'S SUPER TALENTED DANCE INSTRUCTOR?! Lila needs a win-at-life medal, because she really, really does. Of all the awesome things she's done in this TV series, this tops the charts. (Doesn't quite trump naked fishing, though, so Book Lila still reigns supreme.)
I hope it was a 'Glad You're Not Here' postcard.
So what does Jessica do with this revelation? She steals Rico, Lila's dance partner. Bitch, no! That's only okay when Lila does it! Rico's very amped to dance with Jess in what she helpfully refers to as "el Pacifico Contesto." Fucking brilliant, Jessica. You suck and should die. And although we've already established that Daddy Fowler is paying big bucks for him to dance with Lila, Rico happily skips out on their agreement. Did he not sign a contract? Ugh, whatever. I just...I don't care. I miss Brenda Walsh and the gang.
Liz is at her locker, staring into space. Koichi's trying to get her attention, but to no avail. Methinks she's been smoking some of Enid's happy weed. She only comes back to reality when Koichi jokes, "I've decided to wear a sequinned G-string to the contest." Which he's borrowed from Rick Andover the stripper? Ew, okay, I'll stop now. She emos about Todd being mad at her for no reason, and Koichi's totally supportive. Now I'm not one to wish happiness on Elizabeth Wakefield (it's just a rule I live by), but I think her life would be so much better if she ditched Todd and went out with Koichi. He just seems to care. Of course, it's probably not appropriate for anyone in Sweet Valley to date a non-WASP without it ending in brain tumours and nearly getting killed by William White, so I don't really recommend it.
This could totally be an SVH book cover.
It's the day of the dance competition. (There will be screencaps. Oh yes, there will be screencaps.) Apparently there was some glitch in communication yesterday, and Jessica and Rico never actually got a chance to practice together. But as Jessica points out, "professional dancers like us don't need to practice." Hmm. I'm gonna go with yeah, yeah, they do. Especially if they've never danced together before, and then there's this little thing called choreography -- you know, steps and stuff? -- that they might need to work out ahead of time. I can't believe Jessica actually thinks that they both instinctively know the same routine. Common sense just called, Jessica, and it told you to FUCK OFF AND DIE. Okay. Glad I've gotten that out of my system.
Lila arrives...with Winston! Now I know she's only chosen him to be her partner because there's no one else, but I don't care -- Lila rulz. She just rulz. Oh, and she and Winston are both looking smokin'. Lila pays out Jess and Rico's communication skills (wasn't I just doing that?), and Jess and Rico walk off in a huff. Winston says something about how he really wants to win, and he and Lila look at each other in a somewhat evil-villainesque way. It's hot. You know that I'm the biggest Lila/Bruce shipper going around, but I would not mind in the slightest if she and Winston made out a little right now. It was gross and horrible in that Halloween episode, but this is totally different. They keep their tongues to themselves, though, so I can go back to pouting about how Bruce isn't in this ep.
Suh-woon.
Elizabeth and Koichi take to the stage, doing their country line-dancing or whatever it's called. They're not too bad, and the audience seems to be enjoying it. Liz is having so much fun, in fact, that she doesn't notice when Koichi leaves the stage...and Todd takes his place! Liz is happy for some reason I don't understand. Todd actually says, "I'm not enjoying this, you know. I'm doing it for you." That, Toddles, is categorically untrue. You're doing it because you're jealous of Koichi and Liz. You're doing it because you need to be the centre of Liz's world. This stupid stunt actually makes it seem like this whole fight was Elizabeth's fault, when for the first time ever, it actually wasn't. Todd needs a good punch in the face, but considering that the only person who ever does any punching around here is Todd, that's not looking very likely.
It's a veritable hoe-down up in here!
The audience, including a redheaded woman I'm assuming is the judge, loves their routine...despite the fact that I'm pretty sure it's against the rules to switch partners mid-dance like that, but what do I know? I'm also reminded of a classic Steve Sanders 90210 quote he uttered a couple of episodes ago: "You know what they say about redheads, don't you? They have red hair." Steve Sanders is like Bruce Patman, only not. Oh, and sitting in the front row of the audience is a couple with an older son -- are they supposed to be Ned, Alice and Steven? Because I don't know what to make of that.
Maybe-Steven looks like a young Chad Michael Murray.
Next is Enid and Saturday Night Manny, and I just involutarily closed my eyes to save myself from having to see this. I'll open them again, for the sake of you fine readers. (I hope you know just what I put myself through when I recap these episodes!) They're complete amateurs, and just when I think we're out of the woods, Enid brings out her patented butt-rubbing move. Oh, Enid, no. I can't believe the audience isn't throwing rancid produce at you right now, because that shit's awful. Stop doing that! Please! For my sanity!
Lila and Winston then take to the floor with their sexy tango. And it really is sexy. They're friggin' awesome! They even get a bit of slow-motion SFX action that none of the other dancers got. (Thank God; if I had to see a slow-mo Enid butt-rub, I'd be cleaning vomit off my laptop right now.) I must apologise to Bruce again, because Lila and Winston's sexual chemistry is off the charts at this present time. Holy St. Francis! At one point, he even touches her boob! (Well, he kinda grazes her boob. But it still counts.) The crowd goes wild, even Maybe-Steven. I guess he's hoping the producers tackle that Steven Hearts Lila miniseries next.
OMG teh boob-graze!
After their scintillating routine, Winston and Lila discuss what dance Jess and Rico are going to do. Lila's like, "they have to do the mambo, because that's the only dance Rico does in competition," and Winston's like, "Nuh-uh, Jessica doesn't mambo." Which means two things. One, Jess and Rico are, as they say in Spanish, mucho fucked. And two, Lila choreographed that hot tango number specifically for Winston. My hear is all aflutter right now, I don't mind telling you.
Jess and Rico are up next. While Jessica is doing some sort of funky nineties dancing, Rico is swinging his arms wildly doing the mambo. It's a disaster, and everyone thinks it's hilarious. (With the exception of Redhead Judge Woman, who looks on disapprovingly.) At one point, Rico even knocks her over, and the entire audience is laughing at her, including that family I initially assumed were the Wakefields...so maybe they're not. I mean, they probably wouldn't be laughing at their own daughter/sister, right? When Kevin's older brother ruined Kevin's Christmas pageant solo in Home Alone 2, his family was hardly impressed. (Except Uncle Frank.) Then again, Elizabeth is watching in the wings laughing her ass off, so I don't know.
Now that's what I call a ho-down! Ba-dum tsk!
And the winners of the Pacific Freestyle Junior Dance Championship are...Lila Fowler and Winston Egbert! Anyone who didn't cheer when I announced that gets ten fail points. I mean it. Lila's so happy, she snatches up that trophy like she's Cha-Cha DeGregorio. Jessica tells Rico that he's ruined her life. Because she didn't win a dance competition? Jessica is in desperate need of a reality check. Lila goes over to Jessica and says, "Cheer up, Jess. All that pouting makes your face look bloated." Did I mention that Lila rulz? Because she does.
Redhead Judge Woman (who apparently is the choreographer from that dance show I'm glad I told you about earlier) comes up to Winston and says that he's fantastic, and will appear on said dance show. Lila's all, "What about me?" and Redhead Judge Woman is like, "Yeah, you're good too, but we need a male dancer. Here's a free carwash, though." I am insulted on Lila's behalf. Redhead Judge Woman, you're on my List. And that's not a place you want to be. Just in case any of you weren't sad that Lila got majorly rejected, she gets her puppy-dog eyes on and sadly says to the judge," But I'm a winner too." Excuse me while I wipe a few tears from my eyes. Bruce, get your fucking ass over here and hug this woman!
Sorry for another long-ass recap, but I'm well and truly cured of my boredom now, so thanks! 'Til next we meet...