SVH TV: Season 2, Episode 11: The Quick and the Blonde
Synopsis: Liz discovers that Bruce's ancestor Bruno did not found Sweet Valley as he claims. This episode is loosely (LOOSELY!!!!!) based on the Wakefield Legacy saga, and is one of the most awesomest episodes ever.
There are rows of old photographs throughout the hallways of Sweet Valley High. Chrome Dome is showing a group of students around so they can learn about the history of Sweet Valley. Elizabeth thinks the talk is awesome. Jessica thinks the talk is dullsville but she's at least missing out of a geometry quiz for participating. They stop in front of a photo, and Chrome Dome then introduces the "Living Legacy" who had put together the exhibit: Sweet Valley's very own Bruce Patman. Before he lets Bruce continue with his talk, he tells the group that there will be a makeup geometry quiz at lunch. Ha!
Bruce: My great great grandfather Bruno settled Sweet Valley with honesty, courage and hardwork. It was men like him who founded a new world.
Elizabeth: And what were the women doing when the men were out founding?
Bruce: You know... women's stuff. Cooking, sewing. Cleaning out cow stalls.
Elizabeth: So Women had nothing to do with the history of Sweet Valley? >:(
Bruce: C'mon, how would women settle the wild west? By baking pies? Just look at the exhibit Liz, you can't argue with history.
Manny brings a box out to the exhibit and asks Bruce where he wants it, but Bruce claims it's all junk and not to bother. Elizabeth helps herself to it and pulls out an old diary. The diary is inscribed inside as being called "The Diary of Miss Lizzy". She asks Bruce if she can keep it to look through.
Bruce: By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll find some nice recipes.
Elizabeth ended up taking home the whole box which she plonks on the coffeetable while Jessica is painting her toenails. She picks up the diary and wonders why it was left out of the exhibit.
Jessica: I guess they thought it was boring enough!
Elizabeth: Or maybe there's something in here that Bruce wanted to hide!
Elizabeth starts reading the diary.
(Note: Apart from the twins reading the diary, all of the dialogue is spoken with "wild west" accents).
When I was a girl my sister Jessamyn and I crossed the great plains looking for adventure. Along the journey I suffered great hardships and I lost my sister to a pack of wild outlaws. But I also experienced great joy. I lost 10 pounds and fit into my old corset! My journey ended in a place I thought to be paradise. Sweet Valley Gorge.
Manny: *plays a tune on his Casio keyboard*
Enid: Manuelo, I'm in the mood for something blue.
Manuelo: *winks and plays the same song on his Casio keyboard with a different background beat*
Enid: Can't you play something else? ANYTHING else?
Manuelo: For you babe, I'd crawl through a buffalo pasture. How about something with a little samba beat *plays the same tune with a different background beat*
Miss Lizzy is working at the bar and serves Lila and Cheryl their "usual". The girls pick up the bottles and start spraying themselves with the perfume... lol.
Times were good and we prospered but soon gold was discovered in the foothills and our peaceful town was over run by the dregs of the west. The worst of these men was Bruno Patman. He was the richest of the gold prospectors but he had a heart of coal. Even though he owned my establishment, Moon Gorge Saloon, he could never own me.
Bruno: *shoots gun in the air inside the saloon* Everyone hush up! I've got an important announcement to make. From now on, Wednesday is sloppy joe day. I've got another important announcement. Miss Lizzy... me and you are gettin married.
Miss Lizzy: Bruno Patman, you're a vile man. I'd rather drink from Old Zick's pigtrough than marry you!
Enid: That was a pig trough?? Uh oh.
Bruno: Missy you're going to be sorry about this. Forgetting I own the deed to this here saloon, I think it's come time I tripled the rent. Don't you think boys? Come Friday, you pay me all the rent. Or you're on the street. I take Visa, Mastercard, or a personal cheque with two forms of ID. Of course if you were my wife, I'd only need one.
All the men leave, and the girls comfort Miss Lizzy as she worries about coming up with that kind of money. Enid helpfully suggests they have a bakesale. Sheriff Egbert bursts into the saloon, ready to kick some cowboy butt. He's a bit late because someone had parked their horse in a loading zone.
Todd is in a bathtub with a rubber ducky. He's singing a little tune when Miss Lizzy walks in on him. Yes, that is a goat with him.
Todd: *singing* Oh hey there little ducky, I have to know. Are you my friend or are you a foe? *squeezes duck* MISS LIZZY! *hides duck under the water*
Mizz Lizzy: Toddston, you have to talk to Bruno!
Toddston: O_O
Miss Lizzy: He can't take away my saloon! It's my life. Please! I know you're a good man. I can tell from your kind eyes, your gentle spirit. And from the way you look in those chaps!
Toddston: ...I ain't wearing no chaps.
Miss Lizzy: Ohh... uh... really. I didn't notice.
Toddston is the hired help, so there isn't much he can do to stand up to Bruno Patman. Miss Lizzy is disheartened and turns to go.
Toddston: Miss Lizzy, before you go, can I ask you something?
Miss Lizzy: Yes, anything! :D
Toddston: Can you pass me my loofah?
Miss Lizzy: Toddston, you're as yellow as that rubber ducky you've got hidded under those bubbles *storms off*
Toddston: I asked for a LOOFAH?! Dang am I yellow. And my fingers are startin to get all pruney
Miss Lizzy is voicing her frustrations to her group of friends. Manuelo is playing that same song on his Casio again, which Miss Lizzy turns off. Lila knows just who to call in these desperate times: Loco Jessie.
Cheryl: Loco Jessie is the meanest and toughest brutal lawman there is!
Enid: He even runs with scissors!
Miss Lizzy: I don't think we should do this.
Lila: We have no choice.
Enid: Besides, his rates are surprisingly reasonable.
They write a note for Loco Jessie, and send it via Pony Express.
Jessica: I can't wait for Loco Jessie to totally humiliate Bruno Patman!
Elizabeth: I thought you weren't interested.
Jessica: I'm not!
Elizabeth: Then I guess I'll just finish reading it upstairs.
Jessica: No! Stay down here! I mean. You'll look pretty stupid reading aloud in an empty room.
After that, things in the Gorge went from the frying pan into the fire. From mud to quick sand. From the outhouse to the.. well, let's just say things got a whole lot worse.
Bruno and his men are in the saloon. Bruno just watches as his men trash the place, knocking over tables and grabbing the women.
Bruno: Sheriff, I want a word with you. *shoots at Winston's feet* Dance for me law boy! Not like that! Let your body move to the music!
Miss Lizzy: That's enough! This is still my saloon and I want you out of here!
Bruno: And who's gonna make me?
At that moment, a mysterious man walks into the saloon. He has a scarf covering most of his face and wears a hat to cover his eyes. He pulls out a gun and shoots at the bottles along the bar.
Cheryl: Hubba
Lila: Hubba
Enid: Bubba
The mysterious man pulls off his hat and scarf and reveals... a woman. It's Loco Jessie.
I nearly fainted. Standing before me was my own flesh and blood twin sister Jessamyn who I hadn't seen since she ran away to live with the outlaws ten years before.
Jessica: Twins! No way!
Elizabeth: Do you mind? "She was a woman whose beauty could make a coyote howl".
Jessica: Let me read now. This, I can relate to.
Not only was she beautiful, but there was a fire inside her like a poisonous desert flower. Loco Jessie looked Bruno in the eyes like no one had in years. She growled "Now I'm the law in these parts, and while I'm here, I suggest you start respectin the ladies of the Gorge.
Bruno: I believe we already have a sheriff in this town.
Winston: Do you swear to uphold the laws in the constitution of Sweet Valley Gorge.
Loco Jessie: I do.
Winston: *high fives* LATER! *flees*
Bruno snaps his fingers, and his dastardly men stand behind him, including Toddston :O
Bruno: You're not so tough now.
Loco Jessie: I'm not leaving until you give my sister the deed to this saloon.
Bruno: Oh yeah? Well we have a little game we play around here to settle these matters. If you win I'll give you the deed to the saloon free and clear. You lose, I get Miss Lizzy
The two eye each other off, and Jessica drops a counter into a Connect-Four board.
Loco Jessie: Four in a row. I win.
Bruno: What?! Where?! I can't see.
Loco Jessie: Here. Diagonally.
Bruno: Pretty sneaky, Jess.
Loco Jessie: The deed's mine now.
Bruno: You might have won this round Miss Lady Marshall, but I'll be back tomorrow. High Noon.
He drops the deed on the table and leaves, his men following. Loco Jessie picks up the deed and hands it to her sister, but she's still worried about Bruno's threat of coming back.
Bruno Patman would be back, and they had to do something. Loco Jessie didn't have much time to take this group of sissy showgirls and turn them into the meanest and toughest law assessors the west had ever seen.
Elizabeth: This is so scary! Do you really think they're going to be able to beat Bruno!
Jessica: Only one way to find out! *flips to the back of the diary*
Elizabeth: What are you doing?!
Jessica: Duh! Reading the last page!
Elizabeth takes the book off her and starts reading from where they left off.
The day of the showdown the wind whistled through the empty streets like God's frightened breath. There wasn't a soul who blah blah blah blah ... and the show down begins
The two groups face off and walk towards each other. Manuelo spoils the mood by playing tunes on his Casio. Loco Jessie and Bruno step towards each other. Bruno calls his men to bring forth his gun, and Loco calls on her girls to bring her makeup. Bruno throws something in the air, and shoots at it. A pile of coins rain down on him and Enid scrambles around to pick it up.
They start walking 10 paces away from each other, when Loco Jessie's phone rings.
Loco Jessie: Tony, hey, how are you! Saturday night? You little side winder! Can you hang on, I have another call. Alex? Heyyy! No, of course I'm free! You too!
Her call is interrupted by Bruno who shoots his gun in the air. They finish their paces and spin around, but Loco Jessie can't pull her gun out because her mood ring got stuck in the holster.
Bruno aims his gun at Loco Jessie and shoots. A stream of water squirts out of the barrel. He yells at the guy who gave him the gun but the guy claims it's one of those popular mega soakers the kids love. Man, those super soakers were awesome. The delay gives Loco Jessie time to get her gun out, but Bruno ducks and grabs Miss Lizzy from behind, claiming if he's going to Hell, he's taking Miss Lizzy with him. He has a small gun on Miss Lizzy and tells Loco Jessie to drop her own gun, which she does.
Bruno: Just as I suspected. Girls ain't got no guts.
Suddenly, a shot from nowhere knocks Bruno's gun from out of his hand.
Enid: Hey Bruno! I may not have my appendix, but I still got my guts!
Miss Lizzy starts struggling, and the girls demand the Bruno lets her go. Bruno claims the girls are no match for Toddston, who then appears behind them and walks towards Miss Lizzy and Bruno, pointing a rifle at them. Miss Lizzy screams for Toddston to stop! Toddston shoots his gun and out pops a bouquet of flowers.
Bruno: What the..?!
Toddston: I shoulda done this a long time ago.
Toddston hands Loco Jessie a leather glove which she puts over hand. Shots of the group gulping are shown while a soundtrack of slapping and punching is heard over the background music.
Loco Jessie: From now on, Miss Lizzy runs things around here, and you're going to treat her with respect!
Toddston proposes to Miss Lizzy, and she accepts.
Elizabeth: That's the sweetest story I have ever heard.
Jessica: that part about that dweeb Toddston was kind of annoying.
Elizabeth: So, what happened to the rest of them?
Loco Jessie leaves the Gorge.
Loco Jessie: I'm like a tumbleweed. I roll where the wind takes me. I need to go someplace where people need justice. Where children are afraid to go to sleep at night. Where they have a stair master.
They walk outside and Loco Jessie declares that Enid is the new sheriff. The old sheriff has become a crossing guard. For chickens. The only reason Chickens cross the road? Is because ex-Sheriff Egbert makes it safer for them. Bruno has been sentenced to shovel out the stables, but Miss Lizzy allows him a break to watch the "floor show". She orders Manuelo to start playing something snappy.
I didn't see much of Jessie after that. But I always felt better at night knowing that I had a sister somewhere on the prairie watching out for me and my friends.
Jessica finds a picture of Jessie and Miss Lizzy in the diary. Their names are signed on the back as "The McWakefield Twins". Bruce is giving another group a tour about Sweet Valley's history. The twins are in the group and stick the photo of the McWakefields over the head of Bruno Patman.
There are rows of old photographs throughout the hallways of Sweet Valley High. Chrome Dome is showing a group of students around so they can learn about the history of Sweet Valley. Elizabeth thinks the talk is awesome. Jessica thinks the talk is dullsville but she's at least missing out of a geometry quiz for participating. They stop in front of a photo, and Chrome Dome then introduces the "Living Legacy" who had put together the exhibit: Sweet Valley's very own Bruce Patman. Before he lets Bruce continue with his talk, he tells the group that there will be a makeup geometry quiz at lunch. Ha!
Bruce: My great great grandfather Bruno settled Sweet Valley with honesty, courage and hardwork. It was men like him who founded a new world.
Elizabeth: And what were the women doing when the men were out founding?
Bruce: You know... women's stuff. Cooking, sewing. Cleaning out cow stalls.
Elizabeth: So Women had nothing to do with the history of Sweet Valley? >:(
Bruce: C'mon, how would women settle the wild west? By baking pies? Just look at the exhibit Liz, you can't argue with history.
Manny brings a box out to the exhibit and asks Bruce where he wants it, but Bruce claims it's all junk and not to bother. Elizabeth helps herself to it and pulls out an old diary. The diary is inscribed inside as being called "The Diary of Miss Lizzy". She asks Bruce if she can keep it to look through.
Bruce: By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll find some nice recipes.
Elizabeth ended up taking home the whole box which she plonks on the coffeetable while Jessica is painting her toenails. She picks up the diary and wonders why it was left out of the exhibit.
Jessica: I guess they thought it was boring enough!
Elizabeth: Or maybe there's something in here that Bruce wanted to hide!
Elizabeth starts reading the diary.
(Note: Apart from the twins reading the diary, all of the dialogue is spoken with "wild west" accents).
When I was a girl my sister Jessamyn and I crossed the great plains looking for adventure. Along the journey I suffered great hardships and I lost my sister to a pack of wild outlaws. But I also experienced great joy. I lost 10 pounds and fit into my old corset! My journey ended in a place I thought to be paradise. Sweet Valley Gorge.
Manny: *plays a tune on his Casio keyboard*
Enid: Manuelo, I'm in the mood for something blue.
Manuelo: *winks and plays the same song on his Casio keyboard with a different background beat*
Enid: Can't you play something else? ANYTHING else?
Manuelo: For you babe, I'd crawl through a buffalo pasture. How about something with a little samba beat *plays the same tune with a different background beat*
Miss Lizzy is working at the bar and serves Lila and Cheryl their "usual". The girls pick up the bottles and start spraying themselves with the perfume... lol.
Times were good and we prospered but soon gold was discovered in the foothills and our peaceful town was over run by the dregs of the west. The worst of these men was Bruno Patman. He was the richest of the gold prospectors but he had a heart of coal. Even though he owned my establishment, Moon Gorge Saloon, he could never own me.
Bruno: *shoots gun in the air inside the saloon* Everyone hush up! I've got an important announcement to make. From now on, Wednesday is sloppy joe day. I've got another important announcement. Miss Lizzy... me and you are gettin married.
Miss Lizzy: Bruno Patman, you're a vile man. I'd rather drink from Old Zick's pigtrough than marry you!
Enid: That was a pig trough?? Uh oh.
Bruno: Missy you're going to be sorry about this. Forgetting I own the deed to this here saloon, I think it's come time I tripled the rent. Don't you think boys? Come Friday, you pay me all the rent. Or you're on the street. I take Visa, Mastercard, or a personal cheque with two forms of ID. Of course if you were my wife, I'd only need one.
All the men leave, and the girls comfort Miss Lizzy as she worries about coming up with that kind of money. Enid helpfully suggests they have a bakesale. Sheriff Egbert bursts into the saloon, ready to kick some cowboy butt. He's a bit late because someone had parked their horse in a loading zone.
Todd is in a bathtub with a rubber ducky. He's singing a little tune when Miss Lizzy walks in on him. Yes, that is a goat with him.
Todd: *singing* Oh hey there little ducky, I have to know. Are you my friend or are you a foe? *squeezes duck* MISS LIZZY! *hides duck under the water*
Mizz Lizzy: Toddston, you have to talk to Bruno!
Toddston: O_O
Miss Lizzy: He can't take away my saloon! It's my life. Please! I know you're a good man. I can tell from your kind eyes, your gentle spirit. And from the way you look in those chaps!
Toddston: ...I ain't wearing no chaps.
Miss Lizzy: Ohh... uh... really. I didn't notice.
Toddston is the hired help, so there isn't much he can do to stand up to Bruno Patman. Miss Lizzy is disheartened and turns to go.
Toddston: Miss Lizzy, before you go, can I ask you something?
Miss Lizzy: Yes, anything! :D
Toddston: Can you pass me my loofah?
Miss Lizzy: Toddston, you're as yellow as that rubber ducky you've got hidded under those bubbles *storms off*
Toddston: I asked for a LOOFAH?! Dang am I yellow. And my fingers are startin to get all pruney
Miss Lizzy is voicing her frustrations to her group of friends. Manuelo is playing that same song on his Casio again, which Miss Lizzy turns off. Lila knows just who to call in these desperate times: Loco Jessie.
Cheryl: Loco Jessie is the meanest and toughest brutal lawman there is!
Enid: He even runs with scissors!
Miss Lizzy: I don't think we should do this.
Lila: We have no choice.
Enid: Besides, his rates are surprisingly reasonable.
They write a note for Loco Jessie, and send it via Pony Express.
Jessica: I can't wait for Loco Jessie to totally humiliate Bruno Patman!
Elizabeth: I thought you weren't interested.
Jessica: I'm not!
Elizabeth: Then I guess I'll just finish reading it upstairs.
Jessica: No! Stay down here! I mean. You'll look pretty stupid reading aloud in an empty room.
After that, things in the Gorge went from the frying pan into the fire. From mud to quick sand. From the outhouse to the.. well, let's just say things got a whole lot worse.
Bruno and his men are in the saloon. Bruno just watches as his men trash the place, knocking over tables and grabbing the women.
Bruno: Sheriff, I want a word with you. *shoots at Winston's feet* Dance for me law boy! Not like that! Let your body move to the music!
Miss Lizzy: That's enough! This is still my saloon and I want you out of here!
Bruno: And who's gonna make me?
At that moment, a mysterious man walks into the saloon. He has a scarf covering most of his face and wears a hat to cover his eyes. He pulls out a gun and shoots at the bottles along the bar.
Cheryl: Hubba
Lila: Hubba
Enid: Bubba
The mysterious man pulls off his hat and scarf and reveals... a woman. It's Loco Jessie.
I nearly fainted. Standing before me was my own flesh and blood twin sister Jessamyn who I hadn't seen since she ran away to live with the outlaws ten years before.
Jessica: Twins! No way!
Elizabeth: Do you mind? "She was a woman whose beauty could make a coyote howl".
Jessica: Let me read now. This, I can relate to.
Not only was she beautiful, but there was a fire inside her like a poisonous desert flower. Loco Jessie looked Bruno in the eyes like no one had in years. She growled "Now I'm the law in these parts, and while I'm here, I suggest you start respectin the ladies of the Gorge.
Bruno: I believe we already have a sheriff in this town.
Winston: Do you swear to uphold the laws in the constitution of Sweet Valley Gorge.
Loco Jessie: I do.
Winston: *high fives* LATER! *flees*
Bruno snaps his fingers, and his dastardly men stand behind him, including Toddston :O
Bruno: You're not so tough now.
Loco Jessie: I'm not leaving until you give my sister the deed to this saloon.
Bruno: Oh yeah? Well we have a little game we play around here to settle these matters. If you win I'll give you the deed to the saloon free and clear. You lose, I get Miss Lizzy
The two eye each other off, and Jessica drops a counter into a Connect-Four board.
Loco Jessie: Four in a row. I win.
Bruno: What?! Where?! I can't see.
Loco Jessie: Here. Diagonally.
Bruno: Pretty sneaky, Jess.
Loco Jessie: The deed's mine now.
Bruno: You might have won this round Miss Lady Marshall, but I'll be back tomorrow. High Noon.
He drops the deed on the table and leaves, his men following. Loco Jessie picks up the deed and hands it to her sister, but she's still worried about Bruno's threat of coming back.
Bruno Patman would be back, and they had to do something. Loco Jessie didn't have much time to take this group of sissy showgirls and turn them into the meanest and toughest law assessors the west had ever seen.
Elizabeth: This is so scary! Do you really think they're going to be able to beat Bruno!
Jessica: Only one way to find out! *flips to the back of the diary*
Elizabeth: What are you doing?!
Jessica: Duh! Reading the last page!
Elizabeth takes the book off her and starts reading from where they left off.
The day of the showdown the wind whistled through the empty streets like God's frightened breath. There wasn't a soul who blah blah blah blah ... and the show down begins
The two groups face off and walk towards each other. Manuelo spoils the mood by playing tunes on his Casio. Loco Jessie and Bruno step towards each other. Bruno calls his men to bring forth his gun, and Loco calls on her girls to bring her makeup. Bruno throws something in the air, and shoots at it. A pile of coins rain down on him and Enid scrambles around to pick it up.
They start walking 10 paces away from each other, when Loco Jessie's phone rings.
Loco Jessie: Tony, hey, how are you! Saturday night? You little side winder! Can you hang on, I have another call. Alex? Heyyy! No, of course I'm free! You too!
Her call is interrupted by Bruno who shoots his gun in the air. They finish their paces and spin around, but Loco Jessie can't pull her gun out because her mood ring got stuck in the holster.
Bruno aims his gun at Loco Jessie and shoots. A stream of water squirts out of the barrel. He yells at the guy who gave him the gun but the guy claims it's one of those popular mega soakers the kids love. Man, those super soakers were awesome. The delay gives Loco Jessie time to get her gun out, but Bruno ducks and grabs Miss Lizzy from behind, claiming if he's going to Hell, he's taking Miss Lizzy with him. He has a small gun on Miss Lizzy and tells Loco Jessie to drop her own gun, which she does.
Bruno: Just as I suspected. Girls ain't got no guts.
Suddenly, a shot from nowhere knocks Bruno's gun from out of his hand.
Enid: Hey Bruno! I may not have my appendix, but I still got my guts!
Miss Lizzy starts struggling, and the girls demand the Bruno lets her go. Bruno claims the girls are no match for Toddston, who then appears behind them and walks towards Miss Lizzy and Bruno, pointing a rifle at them. Miss Lizzy screams for Toddston to stop! Toddston shoots his gun and out pops a bouquet of flowers.
Bruno: What the..?!
Toddston: I shoulda done this a long time ago.
Toddston hands Loco Jessie a leather glove which she puts over hand. Shots of the group gulping are shown while a soundtrack of slapping and punching is heard over the background music.
Loco Jessie: From now on, Miss Lizzy runs things around here, and you're going to treat her with respect!
Toddston proposes to Miss Lizzy, and she accepts.
Elizabeth: That's the sweetest story I have ever heard.
Jessica: that part about that dweeb Toddston was kind of annoying.
Elizabeth: So, what happened to the rest of them?
Loco Jessie leaves the Gorge.
Loco Jessie: I'm like a tumbleweed. I roll where the wind takes me. I need to go someplace where people need justice. Where children are afraid to go to sleep at night. Where they have a stair master.
They walk outside and Loco Jessie declares that Enid is the new sheriff. The old sheriff has become a crossing guard. For chickens. The only reason Chickens cross the road? Is because ex-Sheriff Egbert makes it safer for them. Bruno has been sentenced to shovel out the stables, but Miss Lizzy allows him a break to watch the "floor show". She orders Manuelo to start playing something snappy.
I didn't see much of Jessie after that. But I always felt better at night knowing that I had a sister somewhere on the prairie watching out for me and my friends.
Jessica finds a picture of Jessie and Miss Lizzy in the diary. Their names are signed on the back as "The McWakefield Twins". Bruce is giving another group a tour about Sweet Valley's history. The twins are in the group and stick the photo of the McWakefields over the head of Bruno Patman.