SVH TV Episode 1.12: Photographic Evidence
We're back to the TV series today, because all that reading and being literary hurted my brain. And we're also back onto disc two, because in case you can't tell, I'm not recapping these in any sort of order. That's right, bitches, it's anarchy up in here! In this delightfully absurd episode, Liz accidentally takes a photo of a kidnapping in progress, and one of the kidnappers mistakes Jessica for her. It's actually really funny, although I don't know if it's supposed to be or not. I just know that Todd is more of a bonehead than usual, and there's NO BRUCE! AT ALL! GAH!
The episode begins at Casa Wakefield. Not the Moon Beach, which is new and different. (And awesome.) Jessica is blabbing about how two guys asked her out on the same night, and acting like it's some sort of huge crisis. Elizabeth isn't even listening -- she's busy reading a newspaper article about how a woman saved seven people from a burning building. This disappoints me, and I'll tell you why -- this episode is all about a high-profile witness getting kidnapped. Why not have Liz read an article about him? WHERE'S MY FORESHADOWING, SCRIPTWRITERS? God, it's like talking to a five-year-old!
Anyway, Ned and Alice walk in and start talking to Jessica about her adolescent problems, and together they brainstorm some solutions. Jess gets mad when she realises Liz isn't listening to her, and Liz says that neither of Jess's boys are worth dating -- one's a jerk, and the other has hairy shoulders. Ew, but way to be judgemental, Elizabeth. Oh, and while this scene is going on, Jessica's making herself a smoothie without looking at what she's putting in the blender -- milk, orange juice, an entire egg, a banana peel and an onion. I don't know why. It's not funny, like, at all. I'll admit that judging this episode on the first scene alone would've made me turn this shit off, but luckily for me (and you), I kept going.
Epic fail, Jessica, epic fail.
After school (notice how they glossed right over the learning part again?) Liz mentions that she and Winston are heading down to the lake to take pictures for her photography class. Apparently Liz is too stupid to work a camera, and Winston's there to teach her. I think not, Winston; don't you know that Elizabeth Wakefield knows EVERYTHING? Who do you think you are, buddy? When they get to the lake, however, Winston (very seriously) offers pearls of wisdom such as this one: "The point of action photography is to take things while they happen." Oh really, Winston? What would Elizabeth have done without you? And so begins the music montage, where Liz and Winston run around the shore taking photos of stuff. This week's song is called 'Picture Perfect', and it's so fucking catchy. Just writing about the music montage is getting it stuck in my head all over again. "Ba-da-bum-bum, picture perfect!" You see? It's awful!
Okay, back to the montage. Winston is checking out some bikini-clad babes, and Liz has really caught the photography bug. But for some reason, all the photos she's taking are of shirtless, muscle-bound men. Elizabeth Wakefield is a ridiculous perv! And she doesn't have the best track record, now does she? No wonder Todd's crazy jealous all the time. I'd be borderline psychotic too if my girlfriend refused to have sex with me and then went around cheating on me with every guy she could pry away from Jessica. Oh, and she and Winston take pictures of some toddlers, which I'm not sure is totally legal. Aren't there laws about taking photos of other people's children, especially on the beach? I don't know. Maybe I'm overreacting. I just think any parent who'd let a guy who looks like Winston take pics of their kids must've gone to the Ned & Alice Wakefield School of Parenting.
'Ba-dum-bum-bum, picture perfect!' God, just kill me.
Winston and Liz pack up their crap, put it in the Jeep and get ready to go. Liz still has one picture left on the roll, so she randomly takes a photo of two men in suits pushing some other guy into a van. That's a kidnapping, Wakefield! Surely you've been kidnapped enough times to know what one looks like! One of the bad guys sees her and starts running towards her. Winston remarks that maybe he's worried Liz got his bad side, and Liz randomly says, "Like he has a good one." Um, harsh, Liz. Just because he's balding slightly and is older than like twenty doesn't mean he's deformed. And also, RUN!!! Don't just stand there being a snarky bitch, fucking RUN AWAY ALREADY!! Eventually the two realise that maybe they should get the fuck out of there, so they hop in the Jeep and speed off. Liz fastens her seatbelt first, even though we know Elizabeth Wakefield would never get into a motor vehicle accident without the aid of some magical vodka and a soon-to-be-dead boyfriend riding shotgun.
That's the abductee, not Boris Yeltsin.
Liz and Winston come back to school to develop their pictures for class immediately. God, they're just walking wedgies, aren't they? Where's Bruce when you need him? Oh, and Liz thinks she recognises the abductee. Only she doesn't call him an abductee, because she doesn't seem to have worked out that this is an ABDUCTION! How has she not? Sweet Valley High's golden child, ladies and gentlemen. Liz is bummed because the photo came out overexposed, and the abductee (or whatever) is just a white patch. Winston says he can fix it, because Winston can do anything. Liz still has a weird feeling about this whole situation. Now why would she? What's suspicious about this?
At home that night, Liz is recounting the events of her day to her parents Todd. She asks him if he thinks it's strange, and he actually says no. Todd doesn't find anything strange about the fact that Liz witnessed a man being shoved into a car, or the fact that one of the men doing the shoving actually chased after her. When do alarm bells go off, Todd, when? Instead they just decide to make out on the couch. Right. Jessica comes downstairs and says, "Don't you two ever come up for air?" No, Jessica, they don't. I hate it when she's the intellectual in the room. She mutters something about having to "pick up Princess Fowler." I know she's kidding, but I kinda like that. (Perhaps Princess Patman should be our Bruce/Lila tag.)
Anyway, Jess heads out and Liz and Todd have sex on the couch start watching TV. The news, to be precise. A news bulletin about how a key witness in a murder trial has disappeared, to be preciser. I can't be bothered finding the DVD to check what this witness's name is, so I'm just going to call him Not Boris Yeltsin. Liz finally connects the dots. By Todd's expression, he's still about six hours away from connecting the dots.
It's true what they say; 'married' couples do start to look alike.
The next day, Jessica and Lila arrive at the Moon Beach, and Jessica's attention is immediately drawn to some great big hunk o' spunk in a convertible. Lila's not willing to let Jess just have him, so she puts on the Fowler charm. Which this dude ignores. Um, what? Oh yeah, because this guy (whose name is Chad) is one of the kidnappers from yesterday! He's mistaken Jessica for Elizabeth! He talks about "that photo you took yesterday", and Jessica's all, "Oh yeah, that was totally me. Let's shag." Or something like that. She gives him her card, which Lila rightly calls her out on later, and they agree to meet.
Jessica and her car are colour-coordinated.
The next day, Winston, Todd and Elizabeth are at school. Winston tells Liz that she needs to develop her photo again, because apparently she called the police telling them she saw Not Boris Yeltsin getting kidnapped and they did nothing. Which I believe. When they get to the darkroom, however, they find it completely trashed, and all the negatives gone. How did the bad guys know Liz went to Sweet Valley High? Did Jessica have that printed on her business card? God, whatever. I don't care. Winston goes to a computer and tells Liz that he can scan her crappy photo, and the software can fill in the blanks. Really? Can he do that with a scanner and some lame-looking mid-nineties software? Can you even do that now? Todd awesomely remarks, "I can't even set my VCR clock!" Hee! At this stage I'd be surprised if Todd knew how to tell the time at all.
Winston says it's going to take all day for his little magic trick to work properly because "if I rush it, it could come out looking like anyone, even Elmer Fudd." Todd's response? "Cool!" I truly cannot work out whether I despise Todd, or love him more than I've loved anybody in my life. Todd seems awfully interested in what Winston's doing, though, even going so far as to lean in uncomfortably close to him with a hand on his shoulder. And I feel weird, like I'm watching something I shouldn't be. Liz looks so impressed.
"Todd, no touchies!"
Later that day, Jessica's talking to Liz about Chad, and tries to ask her what happened between them at the lake, but Liz isn't really that interested, 'cause there's an abduction to solve and all. Jess tries to find the photo Chad wanted, and when Elizabeth catches her going through her stuff, she tells Jess that all her photos are in her locker at school. (That'll be important later, I bet!) Jess is like, "Whatever, who needs a stupid photo when I've got this great set of knockers?" Meanwhile, Chad's talking to the unfortunate-looking kidnapper with no good sides, and he makes it clear that once he's got the photo, Jessica's dead. God, I hate it when SVH TV tries to do tension. Just bring back Bruce and have adventures all day.
Looks like someone's been visiting Bruce's tailor!
Chad and Jess are on their date at the Moon Beach. (Original.) Chad's like, "Where's the picture, bitch?" and his azy-cray starts to freak Jess out. He pretty much lays out what's going on for her, and Jessica's like, "It wasn't me, it was my identical twin sister!" and he doesn't believe her. Nor would I, actually, and I don't know why so many people do. Anyway, he pulls a gun on her (discreetly, under the table), and so when she sees Enid and Manny walk in, she waves them over. Because if you're on a date with a gun-toting yahoo, the only thing to do is to distract him with the nerds, 'cause who would care if Enid and Manny got killed? They're boring and brunette. (And one of them's Hispanic!) Those bitches are expendable. Chad won't have any of this, so he grabs Jessica and tells Manny and Enid that they're going for a drive, and neither of them seem to be too concerned that Jessica's struggling to get away from him. They pass Lila as they walk out, and Jessica tells her that they're going to stop off at the school first, hint hint. Lila's like, "You don't have to brag!" and totally ignores her. Yeah, Slutty, that's what you get!
Later on, Liz and Todd are at the Moon Beach. Winston comes in with the photo, good as new. Huh, whaddaya know, his miracle software actually did complete the picture. Liz is stoked. Manny and Enid come up to them, and Manny's all, "What's up with Jessica's jerk of a date?" and Enid actually says, "He reminds me of Satan!" Hee! I could not stop laughing at this. Liz maintains that she hasn't met this new guy of Jess's. Manny's like, "Well then why do you have a picture of him?" and points him out as one of the kidnappers in the photo. Lila comes up behind them and says that Liz's photo must be the one Chad was asking about the other day. (When the dick ignored her. Don't think I've forgotten about that, Chadley!) They head off to the school to save the day. Oh, and Winston drives a VW Beetle. Continuity magic!
"Do we really have to save the day AGAIN?"
At SVH (do they not lock this place up at night?) Chad kicks open Elizabeth's locker and finds NO PHOTOS! Um, bad? He tells Jessica that she's pretty much going to die, just as the rest of the gang arrive and hide behind the corner. Lila calls the cops from her cell phone and then high-tails it out of there, claiming that she doesn't want to die in school. Oh, Lila, come on! That's your friend out there! I'm a little disappointed in you right now, to tell you the truth. Liz grabs a globe (which is just conveniently sitting there on a table in the hallway for some unknown reason) and hands it to Todd, telling him that she's going to lure Chad over to where they're hiding, and when she does, Todd's supposed to hit him over the head with it. Um, good plan, I guess, although I think a Toddpunch would suffice.
Liz and Winston reveal themselves, and Liz is all, "Come over here, Chad, so I can give you these photos, because the way I'm acting is not suspicious at all." Chad tells her to come and give him the photos or he's going to shoot Jessica, so Liz does so. Great plan, Liz. And here comes the comedy again -- the four of them react to a noise behind Liz, and we see Todd's globe rolling out across the floor. *Facepalm.* Oh, Todd. We can't trust you with anything, can we? Chad orders them to show themselves, and Manny seems to be blaming Enid. Apparently she wanted to see what was going on, and she knocked the globe out of Todd's hands. Okay, I can admit when I'm wrong -- I'm sorry, Todd, but you can't really blame me for thinking that when something moronic happens, there's a chance you're behind it, can you? Besides, it was funny. Almost-choke-on-your-latte funny. (True story, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.)
This one looks seriouser than it actually is.
Chad wants to know where Liz's negatives are (didn't he take them before?), and she says they're in Todd's BMW. Todd's complaining because he "just had it detailed." Priorities, Toddster, please! Just as Chad is about to drag Jessica around the corner and into the parking lot, Lila runs back out and WHACKS HIM IN THE HEAD WITH A FIRE EXTINGUISHER! Oh God, it's so awesome! Lila saves the day! It's so ridiculously win that I almost don't want to mention the fact that fire extinguishers are fucking heavy and I highly doubt that a skinny bitch like Lila could lift one more than three inches off the floor. So I just won't, and we can go on exalting Lila for the awesome superhero-like chick she is. Sound like a plan? Okay. Chad falls to the floor, and then the police arrive. Sweet Valley's finest, arriving earlier than usual, but still too late. Liz, ugh, apologises to Jessica for not being a good sister. Oh my God, Elizabeth, please! You do not need to apologise to this girl for not feeling like talking about her new boy toy, because if you did, you'd never have time for anything else! I hate Liz.
Lila saves the day...in mustard and a stupid hat.
The next day, the gang is back at the Moon Beach, because why not? Not Boris Yeltsin is safe and well, and set to testify in whatever trial he was supposed to be testifying in. It's all good, and it's all thanks to Liz. Yay for Liz. Lila reminds everybody that it was mostly her doing. Yay for Lila. (That one was sincere.) Lila also mentions that she hopes Jessica has learned a lesson about flirting with every guy who comes along. Yes! Thank you! Once again, it's Lila who's worked out the real moral of the story! They talk some more about pretty much nothing and everyone has a laugh about something that's not really funny (not Enid-Satan funny, or Todd-globe funny, anyway)...and I guess the episode is over. Nooo! Twenty-two minutes, and no Bruce! I feel a little empty inside.