SVH TV Episode 1.21 -- Kidnapped Part 3
If you missed Parts 1 and 2 of the Kidnapped arc...where have you been? You had something better to do or what? And I'll bet you want me to give you an update on what's been happening, don't you? God, I have to do everything!
Okay, basically Elizabeth got stalked by an orderly named Peter who she works with at the hospital (she's a candy striper, he's a freak) and he kidnapped her. She escaped, he got arrested. Oh, and everyone thought Winston had abducted Elizabeth, because apparently they'd all simultaneously upped their dosage of crazy pills. I think he's forgiven them, though.
And Bruce has bought himself a jellow jacket.
Elizabeth and Jessica are on the set of a talk show. Not just any talk show, but Jeremy Whatshisname's talk show, from Part 1. Thumbs up, continuity guys. Apparently Elizabeth has been asked on the show to detail her horrid kidnapping ordeal, which seems like kind-of a bad idea to me. But since nobody ever listens to me, I'm not even going to bother. Elizabeth talks to Jeremy about how she escaped from her kidnapper Peter. Nothing about how he shot her in the shoulder, though, because it seems everyone's forgotten about that. During a commercial break, Jessica talks to Elizabeth about how she should relish her time in the spotlight and always look to the left, because that's her good side. Well now, the Jessica Wakefield I know wouldn't be doing that. She'd be convincing Elizabeth to switch places with her so she'd be on TV. This nice Jessica freaks me out slightly. Moments after the show resumes, the ever-lovely host Jeremy announces on live television that Elizabeth's tormentor Peter has escaped while undergoing his psych evaluation. The scary thing is, that's exactly how I'd expect those God-awful chat shows to break news like that. And how did Jeremy find out before the police did? The guy's truly amazing.
"And how did your parents react, Elizabeth?"
At the Wakefield house, Jess and Liz are freaking out. Two police officers are there, trying to calm them down, and telling them that they'll be guarded 24/7 to prevent Peter from snatching one of them again. Considering this episode is called 'Kidnapped', I don't know how well that plan's going to work. The cops go everywhere with the twins, even the Moon Beach. I've never seen anyone over the age of seventeen in the Moon Beach before. (Except for the actors, but I'm trying to let that slide.) Jessica's getting mighty sick of being babysat everywhere she goes, even though the cop she's got looking after her is the best-looking guy I've seen on the show to date. Why isn't she making a move? Jessica, snap out of this funk you're in immediately! Of course, this being a day that ends in 'y', the whole gang is at the Moon Beach tonight, including Nicholas Morrow. Oh my God, Nicholas, fuck off already! Nobody likes you! Bruce comes in, telling the gang about some cool club opening that he's inviting them to, telling Jessica he'll save a dance for her. Um, why? Bruce doesn't even like Jessica. In fact, he actively despises her. Nicholas, however, tells Jessica he's going to be there, and that he likes her the only way he knows how -- "Capital knockers, old sport!" Okay, he doesn't say that. But he looks like someone who'd say that. He basically just dances around the fact that he likes her...again. Just don't talk, Nicholas. Jessica gets all googly-eyed because she hasn't picked up on the fact that Nicholas has been beaten repeatedly with the ugly stick. Liz and Todd say they're going to stay home and watch a video while Jess complains about how she can't do anything with that cop on her tail. Liz argues that it's not that bad, and Jess awesomely snarks back, "Well I've never had my own personal goon," looking pointedly at Todd. Ha, ya burned, Todd! She decides to sneak out the back entrance of the Moon Beach so the cop won't follow her.
Jessica's driving down the highway when all of a sudden she gets a flat tyre. Of course Peter's slashed her tyre. Is there no creativity in abduction plots anymore? She gets out of the Jeep to take a look, then flags down the next passer-by for some help. I know who it is. You know who it is. Even Jessica knows who it is now. She looks up at him, frightened. Or confused. Or constipated, I can't quite tell what that expression is.
"I can't believe I'm getting kidnapped in suspenders!"
Back at home, Liz and Todd are freaking out. (Like Todd actually cares.) Jessica's gone missing, they have no clue where she is, and there's a psychotic orderly out there looking to kidnap someone who looks exactly like her. This isn't going to end in sunshine and rainbows. Jessica's personal cop shows up and says they've found the Jeep abandoned on the side of the road, and "there were signs of a struggle. We just don't know what happened to her." Um, really? Because I'm not a cop, and even I do. Give those facts to a five-year-old, and they'll have your answer. These police officers once again appear to be auditioning for a role in Incompetency, The Musical.
Even Todd Wilkins is baffled by their idiocy.
Peter carries a bound Jessica into some sort of old-timey western saloon. What? Where did that come from? First he's a hunter, now he's a cowboy? This guy's kink-ay. And while I stress that I'm not exactly a master criminal here, if I were kidnapping someone, I'd maybe take them to a place where the front door locks, or even closes without swinging back and forth twelve times. Especially considering the way the last kidnapping turned out. But on with the recap. Peter removes the tape from Jessica's mouth, and she immediately stars calling him names and demanding him to release her. "You're not Elizabeth," Peter deduces, because his dear Elizabeth would never be such a loudmouthed bitch. Personally, I would have deduced that from the fact that Jessica and Elizabeth don't actually look a whole lot a like, but again, that's just me. Peter's all sorts of pissed that he snatched the wrong sister, and actually says to her, "You're not very nice." Ha! I think Peter's the sanest of them all.
Um, oops?
Back in Elizabethland, she's come up with a plan. She goes on Jeremy's chat show and reads a statement to Peter, asking him to please not kill that sister she loves so dearly every second episode. She even goes so far as to tell Peter that she'll gladly take Jessica's place if he lets her go. God, Elizabeth, you've never been more of a doormat. This isn't like all that other shit you've agreed to in the past -- you're actually offering to be Peter's hostage for the rest of your life if he lets your sister go. That's just...I don't know what that is. You have some severe self-esteem issues.
At the saloon, Peter is watching this on TV. I don't get why. The saloon doesn't even have electricity, but somehow he's hooked up a TV for the sole purpose of watching crappy morning chat shows? He tells Jess that he thinks Liz is trying to trick him, and shows her a whole bunch of fire-making paraphernalia. And I have to say, I don't really understand this plan, so I'm just going to quote Peter directly and lay it right out for you: "A little fire to ignite the steel wool fuse. It hits these rags, and everything burns to the ground. Now we cover the battery and scale. [He puts a barrel over the old-fashioned scale, and makes some holes at the top. Then he dumps a bucket of sand on it.] Once the sand hits the scales and the battery wire touches the fuse, then...extra crispy!" Look, I'm just really not sciency, so I have no idea what the hell this means. Bottom line -- shit's gonna catch fire. God, why does everything have to be so difficult? Just torch the place now. And if you wanted a delay, Peter, you should've crafted a bomb or something. If John Pfeifer can manage to make his own explosives, so can you. That's just lazy. Jessica nods towards where Peter's lifted up a couple of the floorboards, and asks what the hole's for. He turns to her and says, "That's where you go." Dude, this is knife-edge tension right here.
At the Wakefields', the cops, Todd, Winston and Liz are hanging out, waiting for Peter to call. He does, and Elizabeth arranges to meet him. I just have to mention that the second Elizabeth gets off the phone, Todd asks, "Was that him?" Really, Todd, you need clarification? The police hook her up with a wire and the next thing you know, they're in the parking lot of some abandoned factory, waiting for Peter. Todd and Winston are there too, for extra backup. But seriously, why is Winston there? Apart from Todd, Bruce is the next best thing muscle-wise. Todd's even got a large metal pipe/rod thing. What? Alright, who gave Todd a weapon? That's just bad thinkin'. Peter arrives, telling Elizabeth that Jessica is "under the weather". Well gosh now, I wonder if that piece of information will become important later on in this episode? Todd shows what a birth defect he really is by rushing out at Peter before Elizabeth has a chance to pump him for more info on where Jessica's being held. He even yells, "You're dead!" which is a nice change from the usual "I'm gonna kill you/him/that guy." Way to branch out, Toddles. The cops are forced to reveal themselves now that Todd's royally fucked up their plan, and they actually manage to do their jobs and arrest him. I know, I'm just as surprised as you. Liz asks again where Peter's keeping Jessica, and he tells her she'll be dead in an hour...if his stupid fire plan works. (And at this point, I'm doubting it.) Winston asks Liz if she remembers Peter saying anything about where he was going to take her while she was his hostage, but she can't remember. Todd says, "Think, Liz!" in a really impatient tone of voice, as if he wants to say, "Jesus, Elizabeth! Never mind that this whole thing must be so traumatic for you, why can't you remember every single little detail of your kidnapping?" Todd desperately needs a beat-down. Elizabeth remembers that Peter said they were going to live in a place that's "years away." Todd thinks she must mean miles away. Todd, seriously, if you're not going to listen, just go home. Winston suggests that he must mean Coppertown, some old country western town that's been abandoned for years. They round up the gang and head on over there.
Like always in Sweet Valley, bad plans get good results.
Back to Jessica. Except she's kind-of bound and gagged under the floor of a saloon, so there's really not much to update. The sand is slowly spilling through the barrel and onto the scales, which is lowering the battery onto the floor. Ohh, I totally get it now! The battery wires will ignite the steel-wool fuse, sending the spark to the petrol-soaked rags! Why didn't you just say that in the first place, Peter? And I really don't know that battery wires + steel wool = fire, though. I guess we'll have to wait and see.
In any case, this is probably not good.
The authorities have arrived at Coppertown. And when I say the authorities, I mean Liz, Todd, Bruce, Enid, Winston, Manny, Patty, Lila and fucking Nicholas. As if they actually called the police! (Or their parents.) I guess they figure if the Babysitters Club can go around solving mysteries without the cops, so can they. Sigh. Liz tells the gang that Peter told her Jess was "under the weather," and Lila immediately points towards a sign that says 'Wether and Sons Stables.' Lila, I love you. But uh-oh -- it seems nearly every place in Coppertown was owned by Wether and Sons, and they've all got that stupid sign on them. It's going to take forever to check every place, so what do they do? Call the police? No, they split up and have a music montage, silly! Manny and Koichi even check the mortuary, making a big deal of looking up at the sign and gulping all scared-like. Um, guys? That sign says 'Smily and Sons Mortuary'. The word 'Wether' isn't even on there, you morons. And Bruce and Enid have gone looking in the church! Come on! Does nobody understand what they're doing here except Lila? Bruce, you've let me down terribly. Even Nicholas fucking Morrow gets it. (Though that may just be because he's paired with awesome Lila.) By the by, I notice that when Elizabeth gets kidnapped it's all tortured acting and Toddpunches, yet when Jessica gets abducted, they make mortuary jokes and complain about their feet hurting. Do they even want to find her? Is that why they're going out of their way to look in places they know she won't be? Just a theory.
I have no words.
Lila is so awesome, in fact, that she goes looking in the place Jessica's being kept. Of course, she doesn't check under the floorboards, so she doesn't actually find her. But still. You'd think Nicholas might. He's not exactly helping. Lila even notices the barrel with all the sand on top of it, and pushes it around a little, thus giving Jessica even less time. No, Lila, stop doing that! If you see sand on top of a barrel, just leave it. Nicholas suggests they look elsewhere. Nicholas, I swear to God, if you come back in the second season, I'm gonna be pissed off. The gang meets up and none of them have found Jessica. Then Winston draws their attention to the saloon -- it's on fire! Whoah, I can't believe Peter's little MacGyver invention actually worked! Elizabeth is sure Jessica's in there, and so she goes rushing in. Todd goes in after her. As she's running through the saloon, Elizabeth trips and falls face-down on the floor...right above where Jessica is! (She's passed out now.) What a coincidence! I like that Elizabeth Wakefield only ever slips up or stumbles when it results in success. Todd carries Jessica out of the saloon to where the others are crowded. Lila's on the phone to the police, finally. I'd also like to mention that if Lila hadn't brushed the sand onto the scales, the gang would have left Coppertown before the fire, and Jessica would be dead. But Lila did. And the gang didn't. And Jessica isn't. Halle-fucking-lujah.
Todd finally gets to be the hero.
The next week, Jessica is getting ready for her very own interview with Jeremy the chat show host. Because apparently we've learned absolutely nothing this episode. Jessica and Elizabeth have their Deep & Meaningful Of The Week about how much they love each other and whatever. Then Liz tells Jessica to keep her head to the left, because that's her best side. Which, of course, is a callback to the start of the episode when Jessica said the same thing. Um, lol, I guess. That crazy Liz.
"Oh Liz, your jokes are as boring as your hair."
Whew, we're almost at the end of the season. Actually, the last episode (all about Todd) is so shitty I don't even want to recap it, so I guess technically we're there. (Insert sad face emoticon here.) But if it's okay with y'all, I was thinking of perhaps going back to the earlier discs and recapping a few of the episodes I missed. I guess it'll give me something to do until the DVD world is finally blessed with the brilliance that is Sweet Valley High Season Two.