The Unicorn Club #6 - The Unicorns at War
In which The Unicorn Club is split down the middle in the war of the century. The girls’ purple army fatigues remain perfectly fitted as their unicorn-shaped grenades explode in the sparkly glitter brawl to end all glitter brawls. Oh yeah, and this is the last Unicorn Club book in which Elizabeth is a member. Whoopee!
This book is written from the point of view of Mary Wallace. You’ll be forgiven if you don’t remember her, but you can revisit her past here . The book opens at a Unicorn meeting, with club president Mandy ‘Cancer’ Miller banging her green plastic toy gavel for attention. Mandy mentions her cancer, then brings up a few items for discussion. Item #1: Student government elections are coming up, and she thinks a Unicorn should run for president for some reason. Oh, also, she had cancer. Ellen makes a crack about no one caring about student government, and Mary mentally bitches the fuck out of her for thinking no one cares and for being “…not stupid exactly, but no deep thinker”. Harsh, Mary. Ellen’s thoughts may not be deep, but at least they aren’t filled with evil venom! Anyway, the club agrees that Mary should run for president. Mostly because she’s narrating the book, I guess. The other item for discussion is that Mandy had cancer old Unicorn club member Kimberly Haver is moving back to Sweet Valley (Kimberly did get minor mentions in the Sweet Valley Twins books, but I don’t think she ever had a full book about her). All the original Unicorns (Lila, Jess, Ellen & Mandy) cheer, the new girls are sort of ‘oh, ok then’, and Mary is downright weird about it.
The reason for this is soon revealed. Mary confesses to Maria in the next scene that Kimberly was always super competitive with her about everything - clothes, boys, grades, etc. Natch, Mary is kind of wary about her coming back. Kimberly sounds pretty obnoxious, but Maria suggests that maybe Kimberly has changed, or at least she will soon when she sees how socially conscious and day care-visity the Unicorns have become. Maria makes a lot of political jokes to Mary during this conversation that make her come off about forty-five years old (“Don’t budding politicians hobnob with ordinary mortals?”, “”I’ve heard about politicians who look old and harried when they leave the office, but you look old and harried before you’ve even run!”). Yeah, Maria David Letterman Slater.
The next day at school, the Unicorns start forcing people to vote for Mary getting kids on board for the campaign. They hear that the nominees will be Mary, Randy Mason and Lois ‘Hamburgers Complete Me’ Waller. Mary bitches out Ellen again for calling Randy a ‘geek’ and saying that Mary is sure to win because she’s the prettiest and most popular. I guess it’s not a nice comment, but what’s with all the Ellen hating, Mary? Don’t make me slap you. Anyway, even Mary herself realises she’s kind of on edge, and it’s mainly because she’s worried that The Unicorns will revert to their old snobby, selfish selves when Kimberly returns. Don’t throw stones, Mary, you’re not exactly being a peach. Also in this scene, an assembly is called. A bit of backstory: apparently the kids at SV Middle School have been given off-campus lunch privileges and the kids have really been enjoying hanging at the mall across the street during lunch. Man, even in my final high school years we didn’t have off-campus lunch! Lucky. At this assembly, Principal Clark announces that there’s a bunch of construction going on near the mall, and that yesterday a 7th grade boy was hit by a car and injured there. So they’re revoking the lunch privileges until the construction is finished, which may take up to 15 months. Everyone feels super bummed. I feel kind of awed that the Sweet Valley ghostwriters have managed to come up with such a plausible storyline so far. Gasp - MORE ELLEN HATE! Ellen makes a comment about what a killjoy Mr. Clark is, and Mary mentally bitches her out again. I don’t like Mary anymore. Consider this: earlier on in the scene she gets all rabid and hostile when people suggest that the student government elections are a popularity contest. But at the end of this scene she thinks about how the other candidates are basically social lepers (although of course that doesn’t matter to her, but if it was a popularity contest, she was sure to win). She reminds me of Liz. Hypocrite much?
The next scene is a boring depiction of how selfless the girls are as they hang out at the day care centre. Mary gets the willies when she hears Lila, Jessica, Ellen and Mandy reminiscing about the old days of The Unicorns and all the mean pranks they used to pull. Jessica mentions that Kimberly’s officially back, and all the old Unicorns are invited to a sleepover at her house that night. Mary thinks it’s rude that none of the new Unicorns are invited. Take a fucking chill pill, girl. Why is she obligated to invite people she’s never met to her house? Anyway, Mary can’t make it. She has to go home and bask in her own righteousness.
Her first glimpse of Kimberly is at school the next day. Mary mentions how long Kimberly’s hair has gotten, and Kimberly immediately says “It’s longer than yours now”. Okay, I can see what Mary means here. Kimberly is also sporting a pink satin “Unicorns” jacket already (see here for that story) - Lila got her father’s tailor to copy it, and paid him double to have it ready so quickly. I want Lila as a BFF so bad. Kimberly meets the new Unicorns in this scene and acts a little snide, then tells a far-fetched sounding story about a bunch of super hot guys who she met, who apparently want to meet the Unicorns. Mary thinks she’s stretching the truth, but apparently Lila has seen a photo of them and they’re real. In your face, Mary.
Classes magically dissolve in the matrix of awesome that is Sweet Valley, and in the next scene we’re at lunch in the Unicorner. Kimberly is miffed to discover some non-Unicorns sitting with the club. As St. Liz sanctimoniously explains with a shoulder-pat, “the new Unicorns enjoy doing things with different people”. Kimberly acts really rude and contemptuous about the Unicorns’ work at the day care centre, and when all the ‘new’ Unicorns leave the table, she tells the old Unicorns she can’t believe what goody-goodies they’ve become. Mary and Mandy clue her into the new Unicorn philosophy, and she stops being such a bitch for a while. But then the club ends up talking about boys and crushes and gossip. LOL for this super-corny scene-ending prose: When I looked at the faces around the table, it almost gave me goosebumps. Kimberly, Ellen, Jessica and Lila seemed to belong to each other. I belong too, I reminded myself. Or did I? Elizabeth would be proud of that literary masterpiece.
In the next chapter, the official nominations for Student Body President are on. Randy, Lois and Mary are nominated. But then…out of nowhere…Jessica nominates Kimberly! Bet ya couldn’t see that coming. Not like it’s on the book cover or anything. Mary is really angry and can’t believe Jessica/Ellen/Lila could do this to her. Kimberly is all syrupy sweet and “I just wanted to be involved in a school activity, it’s hard being new”, but Mary knows she’s just competing with her again. She angrily announces she’ll drop out of the race, but Elizabeth pulls her aside and purple proses her again: “The Unicorns need you. You’ve got to rise to this challenge. Don’t surrender to the troublemaker. If you do, she’ll take over the Unicorns and force you and me and Maria and Evie out”. Mary realises St. Liz is right, and goes back to Kimberly, shaking her hand for a fair fight. Yeah, I'm sure that’s going to last.
Mary runs into Mandy (why do their names have to look so damn similar? It's irritating to type) in the hall, and Mandy acts all weird and guilty. Mary thinks she should be mad, but Mandy is all torn up because although she knows Mary is right about Kimberly being a bitch, she remembers how Kimberly was such a great friend to her during her 2-week cancer. Mary tells Mandy that it’s probably good she doesn’t get involved, since as Unicorn president Mandy should remain impartial and not choose a side. Just then, Lois comes up and tries to shake the girls’ hands for a fair campaign. Kimberly acts all snotty and won’t shake her hand, and Mary takes it for her. Gotta admit, Kimberly is racking up the bitch points here. The boys who nominated Randy Mason come up, and Kimberly flirts them into voting for her. Mary is dismayed. When I think of Kimberly, for some reason Taylor Rain is coming to mind.
Later that day at Casa Wakefield, Mary works on her campaign with Elizabeth and the other new Unicorns. They decide that larger library book limits and more extra credit for struggling students will be good campaign points (sorry, but snore). Oh yeah, we get this tidbit: “What issues do you think Lois Waller is going to run on?” Elizabeth asked. “Better food in the cafeteria?” Evie said, raising one eyebrow humourously. In spite of ourselves, Maria, Elizabeth and I laughed”. HYPOCRISY! HYPOCRISY IN THE GOVERNMENT!
The next day, Mary is coming from a dentist appointment around the back of school where the construction is. In all the chaos, she nearly gets hit by a car. She now understands why lunch privileges were banned; it really is dangerous around there. Then at lunch (do these kids EVER go to class?) Kimberly tries to talk the Unicorns into sneaking off campus to get pizza. The goody goodies new Unicorns won’t go, but Kimberly sneaks off with Jess/Lila/Ellen.
Kimberly and the others end up getting caught. Mary is kind of happy since she thinks this will hurt Kimberly’s campaign. But this is middle school, and everyone starts touting Kimberly as some kind of heroine. Everyone is all ‘we must vote for her, she has the guts to stand up to the administration’ (WHAT EIGHTH-GRADER TALKS LIKE THIS?! Helen Bradley, apparently). Mary ends up telling everyone how she nearly got hit by a car, but people are really rude and “maybe you need to watch where you’re going” about it. After school, the new Unicorns get some pizza across the road and the shopkeepers are all sadface about all the business they’ve lost since the lunch privileges were revoked.
Short scene at the day care centre again; the little kids are all teary eyed because none of the new Unicorns are visiting lately. The girls get all angry and basically talk and act like 45-year olds again.
The next day, Mary and her group start handing out flyers and campaigning. Since Mary’s campaign platform is so damn boring, it’s not really surprising that no one’s that interested in her. Kimberly’s group is wearing ‘Vote for Kimberly’ shirts and blabbing about how now they have a foolproof plan for sneaking off campus without getting caught. Half the school goes off with them at lunch. Caroline ‘I Gossip to Live’ Pearce comes up to the new Unicorns and asks them why they haven’t gone with the rest of the club. Elizabeth snaps ‘Mind your own business, Caroline’, and the group just about collapses in cardiac arrest. Being rude, or even brusque, is so far out of character for Elizabeth, I couldn’t believe she had really said it. *Dies of the hilarity* Yeah, she’s not rude to your face. She just smiles politely, then steals your boyfriend/cheats on her own boyfriend/snoops in your bidness/hypocrites all over the place/condescendingly shoulder-pats your ethnic friend.
But there’s hope! The big group of kids gets caught, and Kimberly becomes decidedly less popular. Until in front of everyone, Kimberly accuses Mary of being a squealer and ratting the group out to Mr. Clark. Mary tries not to cry, and the two Unicorn sides exchange nasty barbs.
Mary goes back to the mall after school and sees the shop merchants being all sad and destitute again (they sure were relying on that lucrative middle-school business - what did they ever do before the lunch privileges?). She also catches sight of a crossing guard in a private security van. The glimmer of an idea begins to take shape in her mind. Yadda yadda yadda, I’ll just tell you in advance what she’s gonna come up with since it's glaringly obvious anyway: she’ll campaign for a crossing guard at lunch time so the students can cross the street safely and get their off-campus lunches back. The shop owners can all chip in and pay the guard’s wage, since it’ll be a small fraction of the millions they’d evidently be making off the middle schoolers. Mary brings her idea up at the next campaign meeting, and the girls assign themselves duties like interviewing the merchants, etc. They wax lyrical about how sad the Unicorn war is, and Mary likens it to a family fight. They might disagree, but at the end of the day they’re still a club. Um, yeah, but let me explain the difference. A club can disband, whereas a family is tied together by blood. You’re a moron, Mary.
At school the next day, Mary catches Ellen and Lila tacking up a caricature of Lois Waller as a fat hippo. Mary disgustedly takes it down and bitches all the students around her for laughing (while the echo of “Better food in the cafeteria?” bounces around in my head). Lois drops out of the race. Randy also drops out, because he wants to spend more time on his science experiments. So it’s just Mary and Kimberly now.
Mary gets the shop merchants to sign a petition that they’d pay for the crossing guard. She again jokes with them as if she were a 45-year old (“Such a good solution to a difficult problem. And so simple,” the merchant said. “A wheel is simple too”, I joked. “But think what a big innovation it must have seemed like to the caveman”. Arrrgh, I can’t stand it!)
Mary runs into Mandy and bitches her out for not taking a stand. She tells Mandy about the horrible Lois caricature, but then Mandy pulls out two posters she took down earlier - one of Mary as a big rat (LOL!) and Kimberly as the pied piper, leading kids off a cliff. Lois drew them both. Mandy is all ‘both sides are acting shitty, I can’t take a stand. Even Elizabeth is yelling at people’. Oh well, if Elizabeth is yelling! Oh yeah, Mandy forgot to mention in this paragraph that she had cancer. Mandy had cancer. Mandy had cancer. If you say it five times in front of a mirror at midnight, her tumour appears before you!
Shakespeare Liz writes Mary a brilliant campaign speech, and Mary is all excited. Then Evie reveals that she overheard Kimberly and Ellen talking at the pizza parlour and it turns out Ellen was the one who ratted out the group who skipped lunch - to make Kimberly a hero and Mary a rat, I guess. Complex! Who says Ellen’s stupid now, huh? LOL!: “Your Dad’s a lawyer, right?”, Maria said hopefully. Couldn’t he make them admit what they did? You know, a deposition or something?” “I doubt it,” Elizabeth said glumly”. Ned Wakefield. Even his own children know he’s useless. Ugh, another sickening quote: We all laughed. A long, honest laugh. First of all, how the hell do you laugh ‘honestly’? And second of all - sure, Kimberly and the others are really acting ratty, but damn these girls are SO righteously full of themselves and in love with their own ‘goodness’. But they can make fun of Lois Waller ‘cos she eats too many Krispy Kremes. It makes me want to slap them all equally.
The next gazillion pages are pretty much all Mary practicing her speech. I could hear Elizabeth congratulating herself in her room. “This is a darn good speech, even if I do say so myself,” I heard her mutter. LOL! For every condescending shoulder-pat Liz dishes out to Hispanics, you just know she’s giving herself a self-congratulatory one at home. 'Today, I gave Jade Wu the gift of hope. And it just makes me cream myself to know she'll never be ashamed of her dry cleaner parents again'. Mary practices her speech with Liz and Jess clatters around in the bathroom. This will be important in the next scene, where Kimberly totally steals Mary’s speech with help from Jessica. ….Oops, I kind of gave that away, didn’t I.
In the next scene, Mary gets ready at school to deliver her speech when - you’ll never believe it - it’s completely unprecedented - Kimberly steals her speech. I KNOW!!!! What a shock. Actually, before that, stuff happens. Kimberly forces Mary into a bet - whichever side wins gets the other side’s Unicorn jackets. So I guess it really is a battle for the honour of The Unicorns or whatever. What are they going to do with the jackets? Burn them? Enchant them with the power of making the wearer dangerously irresistible? I don’t know. Anyway, Kimberly gives Mary’s speech. All the kids rejoice at Kimberly's Mary's awesome off-campus lunch restoring idea. Mary gets up and gives a horrible improvised speech about library book limits. Kimberly (obviously) wins the election. Mary mopes about this at home and her parents sympathise, allowing her to stay home from school the next day. And I cannot for the life of me understand why no one has gone to the principal about this. I can maybe understand an eighth grader being all emo and not wanting to look like a rat, but if my parents knew some bitch stole my campaign, they’d complain to the school quick smart or force me to! What is with Sweet Valley’s complete aversion to any sort of authority or rational thinking? Who the hell cares if you have to be a rat - a dickwad who stole your entire campaign deserves the ratting, and I doubt any students would feel otherwise. Mandy comes over to comfort Mary, and is rattled because she was hanging with the new Unicorns and they were all bragging about what they did to Mary. Well, duh, Mandy, you’re just realising now that they’re assholes - not because of the shitty thing they did, but because they had the gall to brag about it? Mary is in the same boat as me, and calls Mandy out on her shit. However, Mandy is still infuriating. “But…but…I can’t choose sides! My cancer!”
Mary finally shows up at school and an assembly is called. Mr. Clark announces that he has discovered Kimberly stole her speech from Mary, and everyone’s all ‘Gasp!”. Mr. Clark calls for a second election and Mary wins by a landslide (of course). Mr. Clark calls the girls into the office and tells Mary that her idea is all great and approved, and Kimberly gets four Saturday detentions. I really think that sort of behaviour should warrant a suspension, but this is Sweet Valley, where the face-stealers and evil twins are rich and plentiful. Mr. Clark also gives Mary this rad line: “I am sorry that you had to be the victim of such underhanded campaign shenanigans”. I just love when people use the word shenanigans.
In the last scene of the book, Kimberly’s group hand their jackets over to Mary’s group. But shock! Mary’s group give them back and hand over their jackets, saying they don’t want to be part of such a rude, selfish, evil, blah blah club. Then Mandy turns up all teary eyed and hands over her jacket too. She also confesses it was her who ratted out Kimberly about the speech. Then the now non-Unicorns all pat themselves on the back about how good they are, and decide to form a new club - called The Angels. And I throw up a little in my mouth, and I die a little inside, but it’s just another day for you and me in Paradise Sweet Valley.
And now! An off-topic, personal plug - I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it before but I’m a singer/songwriter/guitarist. My band and I are trying to take over the world and we’ve just completed some professional recordings we’re excited about. The songs aren’t about Sweet Valley (sniff), but I do list Sweet Valley in my influence box! If any of you still use Ye Olde Myspace and haven’t been entirely swallowed up by Facebook, please befriend me at www.myspace.com/dirtywingsmusic or even just have a listen to my pop-tastic tunes as you can still view the page if you aren't a member. I’d love to know what you think! You want a cupcake, I’ll give you a cupcake! Sorry for the off-topicness but word of mouth is essential to any musician’s career...and I’m babbling now…until next recap, mes amigos…:)