Sweet Valley University Super/Thriller(?) Edition #18: Face It
While the twins look pretty on the cover (don’t you think? Although they could stand to maybe wash their hair) This book is terrible. Just awful. Elizabeth is a sulky bitch who thinks about NOTHING but sex (literally nothing), Jessica is a meddler and a shrieking harpy, Sam is a terrible excuse for a human being, and Tyler has no personality. Also, this book says “Super Edition” on the cover, but inside in the list of books, it is listed as “Thriller Edition #18.” The only thing scary about this book though, is how bad it is.
So here we go, the end of SVU and the beginning of Elizabeth’s epic journey to London. If by “epic” you mean “boring.” (Note: I actually bought this book new when it came out [I’m ashamed] and it apparently held my interest enough to cause me to ride my bike to Wal-Mart every month and buy EVERY SINGLE ONE of the awful Elizabeth books. Why God why?)
Anyway, on with the book.
Elizabeth and Sam are the kind of gross, disgusting couple that sit at the kitchen table in the morning and feed each other. Jessica almost vomits. So do I. Also, Sam is a crappy roommate who eats everyone’s food. I totally had a boyfriend in college who did that! Man, was that ever annoying! I am now entirely prejudiced against Sam.
It’s the last week of school and the roommates are stressing about finals and what they’re going to do over the summer. Jess is trying to get an internship, but Liz just wants to make out with Sam all summer. As the kids are leaving, a mysterious Plot Contrivance named Julia calls for Sam.
Liz and Nina go shopping (wait, I thought they had finals? I don’t know) and Liz looks at a sexy nightgown and gets all blushy thinking about how she wants to Do It with Sam. Nina feels awkward. So do I. Thinking about Liz Wakefield having sex is so weird to me...like thinking about my grandparents doing it or something. God. Sorry. I’ll wait while you run out to buy some brain bleach. Anyway, Liz gets kind of snippy with Nina for warning her to not rush into sex with a guy who she just started dating and who treated her like crap for an entire school year. Liz is an idiot.
Sam and Neil have a boring bromantic heart-to-heart about Sam’s Crappy Childhood and Sam decides to call Julia back. She’s his favorite cousin/childhood best friend, and he hung up on her when she called in the previous scene. Nice! So he calls her back and it turns out that she’s getting married in Boston and wants him to come to her wedding. Sam is conflicted. I care not at all.
Jess goes to the art museum where she wants to intern and meets a cute guy named Tyler, who exitedly tells her he just got a really awesome internship there! There was a lot of competition and only one opening! Oh whoops. He flirts with her though, so it’s all gravy.
Elizabeth meets with her guidance counselor and learns she has been excepted into a semester-long study abroad program at the University of London. She doesn’t want to go because she doesn’t want to leave Sam. Liz = Lauren Conrad. You know it's true.
Sam is angsting around somewhere and runs into his friend Bugsy. That’s an appropriate name for him, because he’s a cartoon. They see some random pretty girl and Bugsy makes Sam go talk to her (why doesn’t Bugsy just talk to her? I don’t know) and she drapes herself all over him and gives him her number without Sam even asking for it. Because Sam is just that hot. Jessica witnesses this exchange and stomps away.
Jess hangs out at the duplex and gets a phone call telling her she’s been accepted to be an RA next year! (Wow, I wish I had had Jessica Freakin’ Wakefield as my freshman RA! That would have been awesome! And seriously...why wasn’t there a Jessica series which chronicled these adventures while Liz was off being a maid in fictional London?) She calls a house meeting and tells her roomies she’s moving out at the end of summer. I hope she offers to help them find someone to replace her on the lease.
Liz and Sam make out in bed. No they didn’t do the deed; as Elizabeth helpfully explains to us dumb readers, they are sleeping together but not “sleeping together.” Then Liz thinks about how awesome it is to wake up in bed next to Sam (I guess she has never shared a bed with a guy before? Not even Tom? That seems kinda weird to me), and she starts having sexual fantasies. It’s pretty gross, you don’t want me to repeat it. No, trust me. She tells him she wants to do him and he’s like, “What? No! You’re Elizabeth Wakefield! You don’t even have genitals!” To change the subject, he tells her about Julia’s wedding and Liz is like OMG WE TOTES HAVE TO GO! This is too much for Sam and he runs away.
Jess is at work when Tyler, the cute guy from the art museum comes in. Flirting ensues.
Liz tries to bring up the wedding with Sam again, even though he very clearly does not want to talk about it, and told her to butt out before. He gets predictably angry and marches away. Liz sulks.
Sam goes out drinking with Bugsy and Floyd. No, I don’t know why his community college buddies are 1930s mobsters. They creepily want to know how Elizabeth is in bed, and when Sam won’t tell them, they hastily deduce that Liz is a priss (true) and Sam is a eunuch (possibly true). Sam finally tells them that Liz wants to do it, but she’s a virgin, and he’s scared that once they have sex, she’ll get clingy. The ghostwriter tries to pretend that Sam just said that to get the guys to stop pestering him, be come on...you know that’s so what he’s thinking. Also, Floyd says Liz is so uptight she’s a “virgin cubed.” Ha!
Tyler calls Jess and asks her out for that evening. She doesn’t have anything to wear, so she goes in Liz’s room to borrow something and finds the acceptance letter from the University of London. Since Liz hasn’t said anything about it, Jess figures she must have turned them down, and the only reason she could have to turn them down is that NO GOOD SCOUNDREL SAM.
Neil goes into Sam’s room (to borrow shaving cream...a likely story) and it devolves into another bromantic conversation about Sam’s Crappy Childhood. Neil tells him he should go to the wedding, and Sam agrees, but alas, he has no money and no way to get there. Ho hum.
Liz is sunbathing outside when Jessica comes out and shrieks at her about turning down the study-abroad opportunity for Sam. Here are her reasons Sam sucks: 1) he’s a slacker. 2) After Sam and Liz first kissed he moved into a hotel with some random girl. (What book was that?!) 3) He didn’t try to make things right with Liz after that debacle. 4) He eats everyone’s food. Liz’s reasons why Sam is a good boyfriend: 1) He’s really hot. 2) The fight that resulted in Sam shacking up in the hotel was Liz’s fault anyway. And...that’s it. Sigh. Well, guys? Should we put it to a vote? I’m on Jessica’s side myself, if only because Sam eats people’s food, and that shit is fucking annoying.
Tyler and Jess have their date. They talk about boring art stuff, and he asks to paint her portrait. Jess swoons.
Liz brings up the wedding with Sam AGAIN and suggests they drive to Boston together! Road trip! Woo! Sam reluctantly agrees.
Jess has heard about the road trip and is super excited to have Sam and Liz out of her face for two weeks. Then Neil comes in and tells her he’s leaving for the summer to work at a children’s camp. (Camp Echo Mountain?) Jess thinks about how lonely she’s going to be. Whatever will happen next? I don’t know about you guys, but I’m stumped...
Liz and Sam plan for their trip and Liz thinks lots of psycho thoughts about how close they will be after this and how being at the wedding will make Sam want to be with her forever and ever and ever and ever! Plus...they will totally have teh sex! Yay!
Tyler goes to Jessica’s work and tells her he needs to get to Illinois to go to his sister’s Plot Contrivance...I mean, high school graduation, but his ride fell though. Does she know anyone driving east in the next couple of days? Well...does she? She does.
Jess comes running home and tells Liz the “exciting” news: she and Tyler are crashing her road trip! Woo hoo! Liz is less than thrilled. She thinks Sam will wring her neck. He does. Okay, not really, but that would have been interesting at least.
120 pages into the book, they finally leave for their damn road trip. This is the longest, most tedious book ever! The twins and Sam pick up Tyler, and Sam thinks that Tyler is a lot cooler than how Jessica described him (pretentious art snob).
I always pictured Sweet Valley to be somewhere in Orange County (plus Sam attends fictional Orange County College) so the kids have been on the road for less than an hour before they are already lost and bickering while trying to locate the San Diego Zoo. (Note: San Diego = not on the way to Illinois OR Boston. From ANYWHERE. Except maybe Mexico. And I highly doubt Sweet Valley is in Mexico.) They finally get to the zoo and at the food court, Sam ogles a waitress. Jessica is scandalized. Later, in the reptile house, she bitches about Sam to Tyler and he tells her to chill out. Tyler is the voice of reason in this book. It’s not saying much, but it’s something. Then they make out. In the reptile house. In front of little kids. Hot.
Later that day, the gang arrives at the Grand Canyon. Obviously their Jeep achieves warp speeds and/or the ability to fly up and over the near constant LA area traffic jams. Sam and Tyler scream and throw things into the canyon while Liz and Jess marvel at the natural beauty and think about how much more evolved they are than their cavemen boyfriends.
The kids stop at a B & B and Sam flirts with the front desk girl. Jessica catches him and he feels kinda guilty but not really.
Later, the kids go to a restaurant and Sam wins them all free dinner by beating the house darts record. The joyous mood is ruined when Sam starts teasing Jess about how she and Tyler got two beds in their room, while he and Liz are sharing a bed. WTF? No seriously...WTF? Why does he care about Jessica’s sleeping arrangements? Sam is weird. Anyway, Liz takes Jess outside to cool down.
Once outside, Liz confesses to Jess that she wants to do the nasty with Sam, but he wants to wait. Jess is instantly suspicious: “What kind of guy turns down a beautiful virgin?” Huh? Are virgins particularly irresistible? I would think it’s more likely for guys to be hesitant about sleeping with a virgin, if not for the reasons Sam outlined in the Bugsy and Floyd scene, then for the mere fact that virgins...by definition...don’t really know what they’re doing. Anyway, Jess thinks Sam is playing some sort of weird mind game.
In the hotel room, Liz decides to “sexily” barge in on Sam in the shower, but he finishes up before she really works up the courage. They spend the night cuddling and watching old cartoons. That sounds like a perfect night to me, but Liz wants teh sex and is a sulky bitch about it.
Jessica tells Tyler about Liz wanting to give it up to Sam (wow, breach of confidence much?) and Tyler pretty much says what I said two paragraphs ago about some guys being hesitant to sleep with virgins. Jess decides Sam is a douche for not wanting to take her sister’s virginity (even though later in the book she doesn't want her sister having sex at all...make up your mind, girl!), but Tyler distracts her with some making out.
The kids arrive at the Painted Desert the next day, and Liz and Sam sneak off to have a picnic while Tyler and Jess are napping in the car. Sam thinks about how hot Liz is, and they decide to camp out under the stars that night with the bugs and rattlesnakes! Romantic!
Jess and Tyler wander around Santa Fe and have more boring art conversations, because apparently Jessica is an art expert now. She flirts with some random guy while Tyler’s back is turned, and Sam sees her. Jess thinks to herself that flirting isn’t cheating, but it never occurs to her how hypocritical she’s being.
That night, while camping, Liz and Sam have sexy conversations about his college and career plans. Then Liz tries to talk him into doing her and gets offended when he still resists. Come on, Liz. Jess and Tyler are RIGHT THERE. I’m sure they want to witness your deflowering as much as I do (i.e. not at all).
The next day, Jessica and Sam get left alone somewhere and he casually mentions seeing her in Santa Fe the day before, so Jessica immediately jumps to the conclusion that he is accusing her of cheating on Tyler. She starts shrieking at him about the zoo waitress and the hotel front desk girl. Of course Liz walks up right then, all zoo waitress who in the what now? and Jess hightails it out of there.
We are thankfully spared a scene of Liz bitching at Sam; in the next scene, he thinks a lot of annoyed thoughts about shrewish Liz, who apparently yelled at him and has been giving him the evil eye all night. Then he meets another pretty waitress. Why are all these girls throwing themselves at Sam? Does he smell like chocolate or something? The waitress flirts with him, and he feels guilty, because he has a girlfriend, and his girlfriend is like, pretty hot and stuff. Sam is an oaf. Then suddenly they start making out. Waitresses are slutty! Jessica sees him, screams, and runs away.
While Jessica is off spying on cheating Sam, Liz and Tyler hang out. He makes fun of Jess’s green face mask (mask like...cleansing mask, not like...Halloween mask. I was confused at first too) and then tells Liz that Sam is really serious about her. How would he know? They just met like 2 days ago, and Sam and Tyler haven’t even been alone together! It is a mystery.
Sam goes running after Jessica to “explain” what she just saw. (“She tripped, fell, landed on my lips!”) He tells her to mind her own business and she shrieks at him.
Jess tells Liz about the waitress, and Liz straight up doesn’t believe her, and is like, you’re just jealous because I’m going to give my delicate flower to perfect Sam and you threw yours away on a TOTAL JERK. Um, Liz? I seem to remember you having a fling with that “total jerk” yourself at one point, and also, YOU ARE DELUSIONAL. Jess tells Liz she doesn’t want her to make the same mistakes she did.
Meanwhile, Sam tells Tyler that Jessica just saw him and the waitress “talking” and overreacted. I hate Sam. Tyler is like, yeah man, that Jessica chick is crazy sometimes. I hate him too.
Liz and Jess go confront Sam, and he lies to Liz, Tyler backs him up, and Jessica stomps away in a fury. Poor Jess. =(
In their room, Liz decides she doesn’t believe Sam after all and yells at him. He stomps out, leaving her in tears. Have I mentioned that I hate Sam? Cause I do.
Jessica goes for a walk and ends up back at the same place where she saw Sam and the waitress earlier. And whaddaya know? Sam and the waitress have come back for round two. Instead of confronting them, Jessica goes back to the hotel and makes Liz come with her so she can see for herself. However, since we still have ¼ (sob) of the book to go, there’s still time for more shenanigans. By the time the girls get back, the waitress is gone and Sam is by himself, writing something down in a notebook. Liz swoons, imagining that he is upset about their fight and journaling his feelings. Liz. Is. Delusional.
(What Sam is actually doing is writing his number down for the waitress on her order pad. What a prince.)
Jessica tells Tyler what happened and he literally says, “I don’t care.” He is the worst pseudo-boyfriend ever. They have a huge fight, and after he leaves, Jessica, in desperation, has her infamous terrible idea. (to make out with Sam, Liz will catch them, realize he's a cheating cheater, dump him, and the twins will go on with their lives...quite ingenious really! Oh wait...not at all. It's INSANE.)
Liz goes for a drink at some bar and meets some Sassy Women who tell her that if her boyfriend won’t have sex with her, she’ll just have to force him. Because no only means no when girls say it, didn’t you know? So Liz goes out to buy candles, bubblebath, and condoms, then giggles all the way back to the hotel.
Jessica dresses up like Elizabeth and lurks outside, waiting for Sam to come back. When he does, she starts making out with him. There is no way this could end badly, right?
Liz reads the instructions on the condom box and gets all blushy. She is seriously like twelve years old: “Of course she’d known that having sex was about as intimate as you could get, but she just hadn’t realized it quite so graphically.” Oh, honey, you are so not ready for this.
Sam and Jess-as-Liz are making out in the hallway. He takes her shirt off and notices she has a different bra on than before. Just as he starts to think that maaaaybe the twin he’s kissing isn’t Liz, the real Liz (in her sexy nightgown) opens the door and sees them. She runs away in tears and thinks that as much as she was looking forward to popping her cherry, she was looking forward even more to telling Jess about it the next day. Um...WEIRD. Anyway, now she can’t do that and is sad.
Sam and Jess have a fight and he tells her off for being a complete and total idiot. Then he goes to see Liz and starts to apologize, but then realizes he doesn’t really want to be with Liz after all and tells her he knew it was Jess all along. She slaps him. About damn time.
Liz tells Tyler what happened and he basically calls Jess a whore and walks out. Then Liz leaves in the Jeep. Sam takes off too. I guess Sam and Tyler are going to flap their arms and fly back to Sweet Valley because THEY HAVE NO CAR!
Liz finds the University of London acceptance letter in the Jeep. Is it...is it her...destiny?????!!!!
The end.
And Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Winter Solstice, Happy whatever! =)