Sweet Valley University #7: Good-bye to Love
Sweet Valley University #7: Good-bye to Love
I'm sure you can guess why I picked to recap this one. This is the one when Lila, my girl, comes home!
On a shallow note, am I the only one who thinks the twins used on the cover of the SVU books are slightly funny looking? Not ugly, just... not quite right? Maybe it's the funny glasses.
We open with Lila! Yes! Lila! She is depressed because her husband, Count di Mondicci, is away in France and she's bored. We're told that the Count has a computer company. I'm surprised he does something for a living, instead of just being independently wealthy. Morosely, Lila flips through her Sweet Valley High yearbook. Lila admits to having mixed emotions about Sweet Valley. She had wanted culture and meaningful relationships, which is what she found in Italy. But she missed some of the what she refers to as the “kid stuff.” I think she's just summed up what people in this community feel about Sweet Valley.
Lila reflects on how she met the Count. She was at the Leaning Tower of Pisa and he asked her out for cappuccino. She describes him as looking like “Alec Baldwin, Jason Priestly and Christian Slater all rolled into one.” I guess in 1994 that was a good thing. Now, we'd run screaming. Anyway, six weeks later she married him. I'd say that's awful quick, but it's about five and a half weeks longer than Jessica waited.
She is about to call Jessica, when the Count returns with declarations of how much he missed her and presents. All thoughts of Sweet Valley are driven from her mind.
Jessica, meanwhile, is at Sweet Valley University and also depressed. Firstly, she's depressed because she has to study. How dare college make her learn? Secondly (and it's it odd that this doesn't come first?), she's upset because Mike, whom she is still married to, is paralyzed. Oh and Steven, her brother, is court ordered to take care of Mike.
Jessica thinks she's going to change. She's going to study a lot and only hang out with girls. Let's see how long that lasts, shall we? Speaking of girls, Jessica watches the Thetas out her window and wonders if she's “dead to them.” I do not understand her obsession with that sorority.
Tearfully, Jessica attempts to write a letter to Lila explaining what happened to her marriage. She actually feels guilty for what happened to Mike, which is new. I didn't know sociopaths were capable of feeling guilt.
Mike, on the other hand, blames Steven for what happened. Or so we're told by Steven, who is fighting with Billie about the situation. Billie sticks up for Mike. Angrily, Steven leaves. He has been ordered by the court to help Mike... or something. So he goes downstairs to Mike's apartment and finds him in the bedroom. Steven doesn't like to think that this is where Mike and Jessica had the sex. Mike is grouchy as I would be if I were paralyzed. Steven is grouchy right back. It's your basic pissing match. Then when Steven arrives home, he finds that Billie is gone.
Liz gets a call from Todd. Earlier in the year, Liz did a story on athletes getting preferential treatment by the university. Todd was one of the students suspended from athletics. Liz had promised to do a follow-up story on how unfair it was for the university to punish the students for their own policies or whatever. Liz hasn't even started it. She's avoiding Todd.
Plus she's been busy nearly getting killed and all. The Secret Society story has just broken, and we're reminded that Peter Wilbourne, Celine Broudreaux and William White were part of it. William tried to throw Liz into a pit (yes, a pit, it's old fashioned death) but Tom Watts saved her. Liz hopes she never sees William again. Fat chance! SVU brings him out of retirement every other book.
Tom is very happy, he's just about the only one. He's dating Elizabeth, finally. They kiss. She mentions the Todd story and he's bummed. He tells her he'd rather do the Bruce Patman story. Apparently Bruce just got a $10 million trust fund! I agree with Tom on this one, tell me more about that. Who cares about Todd? They head off to the cafeteria for dinner.
Speaking of the cafeteria, as part of her punishment, Celine has to work there now. She hates it. She plots her revenge against Liz. She wishes Liz would get fat again. Because there's no bigger revenge than making someone fat.
Jessica is again upset because she had Liz were supposed to have dinner but Liz has now blown her off for Tom. And Liz is the sensitive one. Jessica thinks it's because Liz is in love for the first time (she actively does not count Todd). Jessica thinks that she has been in love before though. Sad, she goes to get dinner alone. She sees Celine and they spar verbally. Then she spots Isabella, but Izzy is with the Thetas so Jessica feels alone. Until Isabella spots her and forces her to come sit with them. Isabella is good sometimes.
And then we cut to the money shot. Lila is on the beach, watching the Count jet ski. I get excited just reading the word “jet ski” because I know what's going to happen. Lila thinks about how much she loves him and how she hates Italy when he's not there. She starts building a sandcastle. But when she looks up again,she sees a flame shooting out the end of the jet ski. Ruh roh! Then there's a huge explosion! Lila is knocked to the ground! She looks up! The Count go boom!
Back in the boring Sweet Valley cafeteria, Liz and Tom get dinner. Liz sees Alex (formerly Enid) and thinks how sad it is that they're not friends anymore. Alex is mad about the sports story since her boyfriend, Mark, was forced to leave school entirely. Then Todd comes over and tries to borrow ketchup. Tom is all, “Get your own fucking ketchup.” And Todd is all, “But I want your fucking ketchup.” And Liz is like, “Can we not fight about fucking ketchup?” For once, I'm with Liz. Who cares about ketchup when the Count just died?
Jessica and the Theats talk about their hair. I knowz! It's so boring. Then Alison Quinn comes over and says mean stuff to Jessica, but it's still boring. Get back to the Count already! Jeebus!
Winston and Denise are also eating, which is odd because Denise was just eating with Jessica. She must eat a lot. Anyway, Winston is jealous of Bruce Patman. Bruce is all rich-er now and he's bought an airplane (which he won't have for long). Denise is doing a sociology project with Bruce and Winston thinks he'll lose her. Denise thinks Winston is paranoid. But then she hasn't seen what happens when girls have projects with Bruce.
Speaking of rich dudes, then we cut to crazy William. He's being committed to a mental institution. All while his lawyer is talking he thinks about Elizabeth. He bets she misses him. Uh-huh. Sure. Every girl loves being tossed into a pit.
Liz is missing William so much that she's making out with Tom on her bed. Then Todd calls. He wants to talk about the story. Tom wants to keep making out. So you see the problem here. Liz blows Todd off and keeps kissing Tom and not studying. Then an envelope slides under the door it says, “YOU ARE MINE.” Tom thinks it's Todd, which is just silly when he already knows there's a certifiably crazy guy in love with Liz.
Celine is thinking about William. She tells her neighbor she has a boyfriend who is away. Uh-huh. Sure. Then she writes a letter to William's parents... because she wants to know all the William White scoop. Or something. It makes no sense. But then, it's Celine.
Lila is flying back to Sweet Valley. I'm so glad she's coming home, but it's tempered by the fact that she is so miserable. *frowny*
Todd is also miserable, but his spouse didn't die so he's not in Lila's league. He's upset that Liz didn't call him back about the story. Drunk, he goes to whine to Alex. Alex is also upset since Mark left. She thinks her “perfect life” is over. Drama queen. She starts to drink with Todd.
Lila calls Jessica and tells her she's in Sweet Valley and she'll be starting classes at SVU soon. Jessica tells her all about Mike. Lila seems a little surprised that Jessica and Mike are annulling their marriage. I guess Lila would not have left her Count if he were paralyzed. But then, despite what Jessica says, I don't think she loved Mike. I think she loved the idea of Mike. They agree to meet the next day. Shamed, Jessica decides she will finally go visit Mike. She hasn't seen him since the accident.
Steven calls Billie and begs her to move back in with him but then they end up fighting and Steven hangs up on her. Way to win her back, Wakefield. Can't imagine why she left you. Steven thinks it's all Mike's fault. That Mike sure causes a lot of trouble without having left his apartment in weeks! Steven then goes to see Mike, because when you're already pissed off it's a perfect time to visit the guy you hate. They fight and Mike.(There's a weird bit where Steven makes like Mike is trying to choke him, but Mike just needs to be carried since he's, you know, paralyzed.)
Steven blames Mike for ruining his relationship with Billie. Mike, likewise, blames Steven for ruining his relationship with Jessica. So you're even then! How about you both shut the hell up?
Jessica picks this moment to show up. Surprisingly, she doesn't puss out when she hears Steven behind the door. She thinks of Lila and decides to be tough. Ah yes, the old, “What would Lila Fowler do?” (WWLFD?) strategy. Steven leaves, pissed that Jessica dare come see her paralyzed husband. Mike tells Jess to get the fuck out. And she does. Then the both cry.
Liz is accosted by Todd before her class. He's drunk, which is attractive. She promises to meet him on Saturday. Then she goes to class. She has to recite a poem from memory. I did that in high school but never college. Shrug. When she opens her notebook she sees someone has written, “WE'LL BE TOGETHER SOON” there. She happily thinks Tom loves her. What a fucking idiot.
Steven and Mike fight some more. Steven dares turn off the TV so Mike throws a glass at him. Mike starts talking shit about Billie, saying she's ugly, etc. and Steven almost hits him. But then refrains because Mike is paralyzed. Steven tells Mike Billie isn't around anymore and Mike apologizes.
Jessica brings Lila to Theta house. They overhear Alison saying she won't have a “divorcee and a widow” in her sorority. But she's got another thing coming if she thinks she can be a bitch to Lila. Seems Lila knows that Alison was arrested for shoplifting, and she's not going to be shy about spreading that around if Alison insists on being difficult. Hee.
They come across Bruce Patman who is talking to James Montgomery about his plane. Bruce thinks women make crappy pilots, which Lila refutes as she's an excellent pilot. He mentions the most common cause of crash landings is amateur pilots. Things get awkward when Lila mentions her husband is dead. Bruce says he's sorry and then he and James back away slowly.
Jessica is studying in the library (what?), when she sees Todd and Lauren have a fight. You'll remember Lauren was the slutty girl Todd had sex with that finally finished off his relationship with Liz. Todd is being a dick to her now, avoiding her and what not. Exactly what he did to Liz! What a peach.
After Todd and Lauren are gone, Liz shows up. She's excited that her teacher, Professor Martin, asked her to recite a poem at a poetry reading. Then she sees Tom and gets all excited. Jessica is kind of funny here, making fun of her sister's earnestness.
Celine has been coming up with several “brilliant” plans to get Liz “back.” First she was going to get a science nerd to set off a stink bomb in her room, then she was going to put fruit flies in her stuff. They're all real genius. So now she's convinced her neighbor, Matt, that Liz is in love with him. Matt plays saxophone in the band. As part of her plan, she tapes an invitation to one of Matt's concerts on Liz's door. Liz sees Celine when she is there. Yet when she finds the invitation she's like “Oh that's odd, but let's go!”
Lila gets ready for her first class. She's still living at Fowler Crest and her parents are clearly very worried about her. Lila did something unthinkable-she threw out all of her clothes that weren't black in mourning for her husband. But now she realizes she can't go to class dressed for a funeral everyday. She finds that her parents have bought her an SVU sweatshirt and a skirt. She tops it off with the diamond necklace the Count gave her before she died. She knows diamonds and a sweatshirt don't go together but she says she has to bring a little of the Count with her wherever she goes. Ya'll, it's really sad.
After class, Bruce comes up to Lila. He says he was sorry to hear about her husband. She is surprised to see him acting human. He says he knows what it's like to lose someone you love, by which he means Regina. Lila somehow refrains from pointing out she didn't cheat on the Count and drive him into his grave.
Tom has spent the whole book planning his “anniversary” dinner with Liz. They've been dating for like a week. Again, the SV writers don't know what “anni” means. It's tomorrow and Liz has just now realized she has agreed to do the Byron reading for Professor Martin that evening. I find that hard to believe. Of course, all of this is hard to believe so maybe I ought to shut up.
Lila is shopping for books and school stuff when Alison comes over. She trashes Jessica and tells Lila she wouldn't want to be associated with Jessica's “charity case.” Lila just nods and says nothing, thinking the whole time how transparent Alison is. She clearly doesn't even think enough of Alison to even fight with her. She's just confident in knowing she could bury Alison if she really wanted to.
Meanwhile, Liz is begging Jessica to help her. She can't break the date with Tom, but she thinks she can get Jessica to go to the reading for her. Professor Martin won't know the difference. ( How true.) Jessica is like “Oh hells no” but then eventually relents when Liz promises to buy her outfits and clean her room. I sort of love that Jessica never changes. From Sweet Valley Twins to SVU, you'll always be able to buy her off with clothes and clean room.
Jessica calls Lila and complains about Mike to her. She offhandedly says that Lila is lucky the Count is dead, since Mike is such a pain. That really pisses Lila off, and I can't really blame her. Jess is three kinds of insensitive. Then Bruce calls and invites her flying.
At the concert, Liz wonders why Celine is there. Duh, Wakefield, you sure are slow. But she is distracted when Todd shows up, drinking. This makes Tom uncomfortable. And then, just when he couldn't get more jealous, the saxophone player Celine tricked into thinking Liz likes him, dedicates a song to Liz. Celine laughs. Todd claps. Wow, Celine, way to get her.
Jessica goes and recites her poem for Liz. While she's doing it she thinks of Mike and almost cries.
For reasons I can't fathom, Billie comes back to live with Steven. Either she's a saint or crazy. Steven then goes to bring Mike dinner and notices that Mike is getting healthier. He's not having trouble with his motor functions anymore. So when Mike says he has to go to the bathroom, and tells Steven to bring him, Steven says no. He can do it himself. Mike gets mad and yells that Steven shouldn't be dicking around with him. He should be begging for forgiveness after what he's done. Steven says nothing and Mike starts to cry.
Winston is full of self-pity, thinking Denise is run off with Bruce. He runs into Todd who begs for help and a friend. But Winston blows him off, which seems not like Winston to me. He used to care about other people. Winston goes to Sigma house and shouts for Denise. She is like “God, what the fuck is wrong with you, Winston?” I'm like, “Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
After the poetry reading, Jessica is met by Bruce's friend James Montgomery. He wants to know why she's pretending to be Liz and hits on her. She agrees to go on a date with him. Actually! That swearing off men thing lasted longer than I thought. Nearly a 100 pages is something of a record for Jessica, right?
Steven graciously (!?) decides to take Mike to the toilet. Then he goes to clean the kitchen and begins to feel woozy. He notices the pilot light is on the gas stove. I say again: Ruh roh! He thinks Mike must've been able to cook for himself after all, before he passes out. I don't want to quibble with you when you're unconscious, Steven, but clearly Mike did need help cooking if he left the gas on.
Denise has a guy in her room. Winston freaks out. Denise is like, “He's just a friend, asshole.” And then they have a talk about how she only wants him. At this point, I don't know why.
William escapes from the mental institution by seducing a female intern. For some reason his Jaguar is in the parking lot. I guess the Sweet Valley prison system has given up on trying to keep its prisoners if they're keeping the getaway vehicles ready for their escapees.
Liz and Tom have their stupid fake-anniversary. They come back to discover fruit flies in Liz's room. Liz, far from the freaking out Celine envisioned, is like “Aww don't hurt 'em.” She's more concerned that Jessica isn't back. They go back to Tom's room and make out. Only to be interrupted by Danny. Danny has brought Isabella, Denise, Winston and Nina over and they're all going to celebrate Tom and Liz's fake-anniversary. Does anyone in this town know what anniversary means?!?
Lila has been having dreams of the Count's death. That night she dreams she's at the Tower of Pisa again and he's yelling at her to run. Then it changes and she's watching a plane crash into mountains. She wakes shaking and afraid.
Liz is in her room. She gets another letter. It says “I AM COMING FOR YOU.” Again, she thinks it's Todd. And then Todd himself shows up. He's drunk. He tells her he loves her and “life is not possible without” her. He kisses her and she shoves him back. She tells him to stop calling and to stop sending her notes. He says he hasn't sent her any notes. DUH, I say to this.
Jessica is out with James. He mentions he's heard about her marriage. They talk a little and he seems nice enough (but as I recall he doesn't stay too nice in later books). Then she decides to call Mike. But no one answers. I wonder why!?
Todd shows up at Alex's place. Alex thinks nasty, negative thoughts about Liz. She thinks, “If only something bad would happen to her for once. Really bad, so she would know how it feels.” What? A) Enid, you're so mean now! B) She did nearly get killed a few weeks ago. I think that's a bit worse than your boyfriend moving to LA. Jesus. Meanwhile, Todd goes on a rant about how stupid Tom is. Apparently Tom is just using Elizabeth because he's never been good at anything himself. Shrug. Tom was a bigger sports star than Todd was and he was a big reporter before Liz ever came along. Not that he isn't irritating though, I would just like people to get their facts straight.
Todd and Alex drink tequila. Alex says she might change her name back to Enid, because it's so hard being Alex or whatever. (Wasn't she on the drugs when she was Enid? It's not like she never did anything interesting.) Todd is like “Oh noes! Not Enid!” ... And then they drunkenly make out.
Jessica returns to the dorm room and Liz hen pecks her about where she was. It's not like Liz wasn't about to have the sex with Tom in his room before Danny showed up. So she should really stop acting so fucking superior.
Then Jessica finds a letter. It's from the lawyer about whether the annulment went through. She says she'll have to drive off a cliff is the answer is no. I don't see why she can't just get a divorce (it's not like she's Catholic). Then she opens it and it says the annulment was granted. Her marriage is over.
Liz also gets a letter, or at least a note. It says “NOT LONG NOW.”
Steven is having delusions of Billie. He hears the phone ring and Mike shouting. He thinks he has to get up and turn off the gas, because of Billie (he lover her) and Mike (he depends on him). But instead he just continues to lie senselessly on the floor.
Wow, Steven, you did nothing constructive this entire book.
You know, I used to think these guys were dreamy. But they're all dickheads in this book. Except for the Count, god rest his soul.
I'm sure you can guess why I picked to recap this one. This is the one when Lila, my girl, comes home!
On a shallow note, am I the only one who thinks the twins used on the cover of the SVU books are slightly funny looking? Not ugly, just... not quite right? Maybe it's the funny glasses.
We open with Lila! Yes! Lila! She is depressed because her husband, Count di Mondicci, is away in France and she's bored. We're told that the Count has a computer company. I'm surprised he does something for a living, instead of just being independently wealthy. Morosely, Lila flips through her Sweet Valley High yearbook. Lila admits to having mixed emotions about Sweet Valley. She had wanted culture and meaningful relationships, which is what she found in Italy. But she missed some of the what she refers to as the “kid stuff.” I think she's just summed up what people in this community feel about Sweet Valley.
Lila reflects on how she met the Count. She was at the Leaning Tower of Pisa and he asked her out for cappuccino. She describes him as looking like “Alec Baldwin, Jason Priestly and Christian Slater all rolled into one.” I guess in 1994 that was a good thing. Now, we'd run screaming. Anyway, six weeks later she married him. I'd say that's awful quick, but it's about five and a half weeks longer than Jessica waited.
She is about to call Jessica, when the Count returns with declarations of how much he missed her and presents. All thoughts of Sweet Valley are driven from her mind.
Jessica, meanwhile, is at Sweet Valley University and also depressed. Firstly, she's depressed because she has to study. How dare college make her learn? Secondly (and it's it odd that this doesn't come first?), she's upset because Mike, whom she is still married to, is paralyzed. Oh and Steven, her brother, is court ordered to take care of Mike.
Jessica thinks she's going to change. She's going to study a lot and only hang out with girls. Let's see how long that lasts, shall we? Speaking of girls, Jessica watches the Thetas out her window and wonders if she's “dead to them.” I do not understand her obsession with that sorority.
Tearfully, Jessica attempts to write a letter to Lila explaining what happened to her marriage. She actually feels guilty for what happened to Mike, which is new. I didn't know sociopaths were capable of feeling guilt.
Mike, on the other hand, blames Steven for what happened. Or so we're told by Steven, who is fighting with Billie about the situation. Billie sticks up for Mike. Angrily, Steven leaves. He has been ordered by the court to help Mike... or something. So he goes downstairs to Mike's apartment and finds him in the bedroom. Steven doesn't like to think that this is where Mike and Jessica had the sex. Mike is grouchy as I would be if I were paralyzed. Steven is grouchy right back. It's your basic pissing match. Then when Steven arrives home, he finds that Billie is gone.
Liz gets a call from Todd. Earlier in the year, Liz did a story on athletes getting preferential treatment by the university. Todd was one of the students suspended from athletics. Liz had promised to do a follow-up story on how unfair it was for the university to punish the students for their own policies or whatever. Liz hasn't even started it. She's avoiding Todd.
Plus she's been busy nearly getting killed and all. The Secret Society story has just broken, and we're reminded that Peter Wilbourne, Celine Broudreaux and William White were part of it. William tried to throw Liz into a pit (yes, a pit, it's old fashioned death) but Tom Watts saved her. Liz hopes she never sees William again. Fat chance! SVU brings him out of retirement every other book.
Tom is very happy, he's just about the only one. He's dating Elizabeth, finally. They kiss. She mentions the Todd story and he's bummed. He tells her he'd rather do the Bruce Patman story. Apparently Bruce just got a $10 million trust fund! I agree with Tom on this one, tell me more about that. Who cares about Todd? They head off to the cafeteria for dinner.
Speaking of the cafeteria, as part of her punishment, Celine has to work there now. She hates it. She plots her revenge against Liz. She wishes Liz would get fat again. Because there's no bigger revenge than making someone fat.
Jessica is again upset because she had Liz were supposed to have dinner but Liz has now blown her off for Tom. And Liz is the sensitive one. Jessica thinks it's because Liz is in love for the first time (she actively does not count Todd). Jessica thinks that she has been in love before though. Sad, she goes to get dinner alone. She sees Celine and they spar verbally. Then she spots Isabella, but Izzy is with the Thetas so Jessica feels alone. Until Isabella spots her and forces her to come sit with them. Isabella is good sometimes.
And then we cut to the money shot. Lila is on the beach, watching the Count jet ski. I get excited just reading the word “jet ski” because I know what's going to happen. Lila thinks about how much she loves him and how she hates Italy when he's not there. She starts building a sandcastle. But when she looks up again,she sees a flame shooting out the end of the jet ski. Ruh roh! Then there's a huge explosion! Lila is knocked to the ground! She looks up! The Count go boom!
Back in the boring Sweet Valley cafeteria, Liz and Tom get dinner. Liz sees Alex (formerly Enid) and thinks how sad it is that they're not friends anymore. Alex is mad about the sports story since her boyfriend, Mark, was forced to leave school entirely. Then Todd comes over and tries to borrow ketchup. Tom is all, “Get your own fucking ketchup.” And Todd is all, “But I want your fucking ketchup.” And Liz is like, “Can we not fight about fucking ketchup?” For once, I'm with Liz. Who cares about ketchup when the Count just died?
Jessica and the Theats talk about their hair. I knowz! It's so boring. Then Alison Quinn comes over and says mean stuff to Jessica, but it's still boring. Get back to the Count already! Jeebus!
Winston and Denise are also eating, which is odd because Denise was just eating with Jessica. She must eat a lot. Anyway, Winston is jealous of Bruce Patman. Bruce is all rich-er now and he's bought an airplane (which he won't have for long). Denise is doing a sociology project with Bruce and Winston thinks he'll lose her. Denise thinks Winston is paranoid. But then she hasn't seen what happens when girls have projects with Bruce.
Speaking of rich dudes, then we cut to crazy William. He's being committed to a mental institution. All while his lawyer is talking he thinks about Elizabeth. He bets she misses him. Uh-huh. Sure. Every girl loves being tossed into a pit.
Liz is missing William so much that she's making out with Tom on her bed. Then Todd calls. He wants to talk about the story. Tom wants to keep making out. So you see the problem here. Liz blows Todd off and keeps kissing Tom and not studying. Then an envelope slides under the door it says, “YOU ARE MINE.” Tom thinks it's Todd, which is just silly when he already knows there's a certifiably crazy guy in love with Liz.
Celine is thinking about William. She tells her neighbor she has a boyfriend who is away. Uh-huh. Sure. Then she writes a letter to William's parents... because she wants to know all the William White scoop. Or something. It makes no sense. But then, it's Celine.
Lila is flying back to Sweet Valley. I'm so glad she's coming home, but it's tempered by the fact that she is so miserable. *frowny*
Todd is also miserable, but his spouse didn't die so he's not in Lila's league. He's upset that Liz didn't call him back about the story. Drunk, he goes to whine to Alex. Alex is also upset since Mark left. She thinks her “perfect life” is over. Drama queen. She starts to drink with Todd.
Lila calls Jessica and tells her she's in Sweet Valley and she'll be starting classes at SVU soon. Jessica tells her all about Mike. Lila seems a little surprised that Jessica and Mike are annulling their marriage. I guess Lila would not have left her Count if he were paralyzed. But then, despite what Jessica says, I don't think she loved Mike. I think she loved the idea of Mike. They agree to meet the next day. Shamed, Jessica decides she will finally go visit Mike. She hasn't seen him since the accident.
Steven calls Billie and begs her to move back in with him but then they end up fighting and Steven hangs up on her. Way to win her back, Wakefield. Can't imagine why she left you. Steven thinks it's all Mike's fault. That Mike sure causes a lot of trouble without having left his apartment in weeks! Steven then goes to see Mike, because when you're already pissed off it's a perfect time to visit the guy you hate. They fight and Mike.(There's a weird bit where Steven makes like Mike is trying to choke him, but Mike just needs to be carried since he's, you know, paralyzed.)
Steven blames Mike for ruining his relationship with Billie. Mike, likewise, blames Steven for ruining his relationship with Jessica. So you're even then! How about you both shut the hell up?
Jessica picks this moment to show up. Surprisingly, she doesn't puss out when she hears Steven behind the door. She thinks of Lila and decides to be tough. Ah yes, the old, “What would Lila Fowler do?” (WWLFD?) strategy. Steven leaves, pissed that Jessica dare come see her paralyzed husband. Mike tells Jess to get the fuck out. And she does. Then the both cry.
Liz is accosted by Todd before her class. He's drunk, which is attractive. She promises to meet him on Saturday. Then she goes to class. She has to recite a poem from memory. I did that in high school but never college. Shrug. When she opens her notebook she sees someone has written, “WE'LL BE TOGETHER SOON” there. She happily thinks Tom loves her. What a fucking idiot.
Steven and Mike fight some more. Steven dares turn off the TV so Mike throws a glass at him. Mike starts talking shit about Billie, saying she's ugly, etc. and Steven almost hits him. But then refrains because Mike is paralyzed. Steven tells Mike Billie isn't around anymore and Mike apologizes.
Jessica brings Lila to Theta house. They overhear Alison saying she won't have a “divorcee and a widow” in her sorority. But she's got another thing coming if she thinks she can be a bitch to Lila. Seems Lila knows that Alison was arrested for shoplifting, and she's not going to be shy about spreading that around if Alison insists on being difficult. Hee.
They come across Bruce Patman who is talking to James Montgomery about his plane. Bruce thinks women make crappy pilots, which Lila refutes as she's an excellent pilot. He mentions the most common cause of crash landings is amateur pilots. Things get awkward when Lila mentions her husband is dead. Bruce says he's sorry and then he and James back away slowly.
Jessica is studying in the library (what?), when she sees Todd and Lauren have a fight. You'll remember Lauren was the slutty girl Todd had sex with that finally finished off his relationship with Liz. Todd is being a dick to her now, avoiding her and what not. Exactly what he did to Liz! What a peach.
After Todd and Lauren are gone, Liz shows up. She's excited that her teacher, Professor Martin, asked her to recite a poem at a poetry reading. Then she sees Tom and gets all excited. Jessica is kind of funny here, making fun of her sister's earnestness.
Celine has been coming up with several “brilliant” plans to get Liz “back.” First she was going to get a science nerd to set off a stink bomb in her room, then she was going to put fruit flies in her stuff. They're all real genius. So now she's convinced her neighbor, Matt, that Liz is in love with him. Matt plays saxophone in the band. As part of her plan, she tapes an invitation to one of Matt's concerts on Liz's door. Liz sees Celine when she is there. Yet when she finds the invitation she's like “Oh that's odd, but let's go!”
Lila gets ready for her first class. She's still living at Fowler Crest and her parents are clearly very worried about her. Lila did something unthinkable-she threw out all of her clothes that weren't black in mourning for her husband. But now she realizes she can't go to class dressed for a funeral everyday. She finds that her parents have bought her an SVU sweatshirt and a skirt. She tops it off with the diamond necklace the Count gave her before she died. She knows diamonds and a sweatshirt don't go together but she says she has to bring a little of the Count with her wherever she goes. Ya'll, it's really sad.
After class, Bruce comes up to Lila. He says he was sorry to hear about her husband. She is surprised to see him acting human. He says he knows what it's like to lose someone you love, by which he means Regina. Lila somehow refrains from pointing out she didn't cheat on the Count and drive him into his grave.
Tom has spent the whole book planning his “anniversary” dinner with Liz. They've been dating for like a week. Again, the SV writers don't know what “anni” means. It's tomorrow and Liz has just now realized she has agreed to do the Byron reading for Professor Martin that evening. I find that hard to believe. Of course, all of this is hard to believe so maybe I ought to shut up.
Lila is shopping for books and school stuff when Alison comes over. She trashes Jessica and tells Lila she wouldn't want to be associated with Jessica's “charity case.” Lila just nods and says nothing, thinking the whole time how transparent Alison is. She clearly doesn't even think enough of Alison to even fight with her. She's just confident in knowing she could bury Alison if she really wanted to.
Meanwhile, Liz is begging Jessica to help her. She can't break the date with Tom, but she thinks she can get Jessica to go to the reading for her. Professor Martin won't know the difference. ( How true.) Jessica is like “Oh hells no” but then eventually relents when Liz promises to buy her outfits and clean her room. I sort of love that Jessica never changes. From Sweet Valley Twins to SVU, you'll always be able to buy her off with clothes and clean room.
Jessica calls Lila and complains about Mike to her. She offhandedly says that Lila is lucky the Count is dead, since Mike is such a pain. That really pisses Lila off, and I can't really blame her. Jess is three kinds of insensitive. Then Bruce calls and invites her flying.
At the concert, Liz wonders why Celine is there. Duh, Wakefield, you sure are slow. But she is distracted when Todd shows up, drinking. This makes Tom uncomfortable. And then, just when he couldn't get more jealous, the saxophone player Celine tricked into thinking Liz likes him, dedicates a song to Liz. Celine laughs. Todd claps. Wow, Celine, way to get her.
Jessica goes and recites her poem for Liz. While she's doing it she thinks of Mike and almost cries.
For reasons I can't fathom, Billie comes back to live with Steven. Either she's a saint or crazy. Steven then goes to bring Mike dinner and notices that Mike is getting healthier. He's not having trouble with his motor functions anymore. So when Mike says he has to go to the bathroom, and tells Steven to bring him, Steven says no. He can do it himself. Mike gets mad and yells that Steven shouldn't be dicking around with him. He should be begging for forgiveness after what he's done. Steven says nothing and Mike starts to cry.
Winston is full of self-pity, thinking Denise is run off with Bruce. He runs into Todd who begs for help and a friend. But Winston blows him off, which seems not like Winston to me. He used to care about other people. Winston goes to Sigma house and shouts for Denise. She is like “God, what the fuck is wrong with you, Winston?” I'm like, “Yeah, what the fuck is wrong with you?”
After the poetry reading, Jessica is met by Bruce's friend James Montgomery. He wants to know why she's pretending to be Liz and hits on her. She agrees to go on a date with him. Actually! That swearing off men thing lasted longer than I thought. Nearly a 100 pages is something of a record for Jessica, right?
Steven graciously (!?) decides to take Mike to the toilet. Then he goes to clean the kitchen and begins to feel woozy. He notices the pilot light is on the gas stove. I say again: Ruh roh! He thinks Mike must've been able to cook for himself after all, before he passes out. I don't want to quibble with you when you're unconscious, Steven, but clearly Mike did need help cooking if he left the gas on.
Denise has a guy in her room. Winston freaks out. Denise is like, “He's just a friend, asshole.” And then they have a talk about how she only wants him. At this point, I don't know why.
William escapes from the mental institution by seducing a female intern. For some reason his Jaguar is in the parking lot. I guess the Sweet Valley prison system has given up on trying to keep its prisoners if they're keeping the getaway vehicles ready for their escapees.
Liz and Tom have their stupid fake-anniversary. They come back to discover fruit flies in Liz's room. Liz, far from the freaking out Celine envisioned, is like “Aww don't hurt 'em.” She's more concerned that Jessica isn't back. They go back to Tom's room and make out. Only to be interrupted by Danny. Danny has brought Isabella, Denise, Winston and Nina over and they're all going to celebrate Tom and Liz's fake-anniversary. Does anyone in this town know what anniversary means?!?
Lila has been having dreams of the Count's death. That night she dreams she's at the Tower of Pisa again and he's yelling at her to run. Then it changes and she's watching a plane crash into mountains. She wakes shaking and afraid.
Liz is in her room. She gets another letter. It says “I AM COMING FOR YOU.” Again, she thinks it's Todd. And then Todd himself shows up. He's drunk. He tells her he loves her and “life is not possible without” her. He kisses her and she shoves him back. She tells him to stop calling and to stop sending her notes. He says he hasn't sent her any notes. DUH, I say to this.
Jessica is out with James. He mentions he's heard about her marriage. They talk a little and he seems nice enough (but as I recall he doesn't stay too nice in later books). Then she decides to call Mike. But no one answers. I wonder why!?
Todd shows up at Alex's place. Alex thinks nasty, negative thoughts about Liz. She thinks, “If only something bad would happen to her for once. Really bad, so she would know how it feels.” What? A) Enid, you're so mean now! B) She did nearly get killed a few weeks ago. I think that's a bit worse than your boyfriend moving to LA. Jesus. Meanwhile, Todd goes on a rant about how stupid Tom is. Apparently Tom is just using Elizabeth because he's never been good at anything himself. Shrug. Tom was a bigger sports star than Todd was and he was a big reporter before Liz ever came along. Not that he isn't irritating though, I would just like people to get their facts straight.
Todd and Alex drink tequila. Alex says she might change her name back to Enid, because it's so hard being Alex or whatever. (Wasn't she on the drugs when she was Enid? It's not like she never did anything interesting.) Todd is like “Oh noes! Not Enid!” ... And then they drunkenly make out.
Jessica returns to the dorm room and Liz hen pecks her about where she was. It's not like Liz wasn't about to have the sex with Tom in his room before Danny showed up. So she should really stop acting so fucking superior.
Then Jessica finds a letter. It's from the lawyer about whether the annulment went through. She says she'll have to drive off a cliff is the answer is no. I don't see why she can't just get a divorce (it's not like she's Catholic). Then she opens it and it says the annulment was granted. Her marriage is over.
Liz also gets a letter, or at least a note. It says “NOT LONG NOW.”
Steven is having delusions of Billie. He hears the phone ring and Mike shouting. He thinks he has to get up and turn off the gas, because of Billie (he lover her) and Mike (he depends on him). But instead he just continues to lie senselessly on the floor.
Wow, Steven, you did nothing constructive this entire book.
You know, I used to think these guys were dreamy. But they're all dickheads in this book. Except for the Count, god rest his soul.