SVT #74: Elizabeth the Hero
This is my first recap; I just hope it’s a quarter as deliciously snarktacular as some of the regular recappers’ brilliant ones are! Like more or less everyone else here, I was a big Sweet Valley fan as a kid/youngish teen (I blame my mother; she’s the one who got me hooked on Sweet Valley Kids, and the obsession only grew from there!), so I was totally delighted to find this awesome community.
Front cover: It pains me to say this, but it’s just not that snarkable. Elizabeth and Denny both look OK (even if Denny does look a heck of a lot like Bruce, IMO), and she does get a medal in this book (yeah, an actual medal… read on!) The back cover blurb is strangely inaccurate, though, because it stresses how Janet is determined to make Elizabeth’s life miserable in this book, when in fact it’s Jessica who winds up bearing the brunt of her bitchiness.
A PLOT
Elizabeth, Amy, and Maria are frolicking about at the beach, picking up seashells. The shells are for a collage they’re making for art class. Nothing says “art teacher is completely out of ideas for worthwhile projects” quite like making students create collages. FAIL, Mr. Sweeney!
We have Liz to thank for the hackneyed idea of using the seashell medium. Amy is just thrilled to death about it: “Elizabeth’s ideas for art projects are always good!” she enthuses (Amy, are you trying to beat out Maria for the much-coveted Suck-Up Sidekick of the Year title or something? Seriously!), which prompts Liz to go, “You know me. Perfect in every way.” Ugh. But is anyone really surprised by this statement? We all knew she’s been thinking it every two seconds since birth (or possibly even before).
Fortunately, this lackluster seashell-gathering is quickly interrupted. The girls spot Denny Jacobson surfing with his brother Sam. This is the same Denny Jacobson who’s the subject of Unicorn Prez Janet Howell’s affections. It’s pretty obvious that the whole reason she likes him is that he’s The Most Popular Guy in School!!! Janet’s “And that makes him the best! And don’t I deserve the best?!” line of thinking leads her to believe that dating him is a perquisite of being Most Popular Girl. Is it just me, or is this pretty much the only book in the series where Denny is allotted a decent number of speaking opportunities? It’s nice to learn at long last that he’s not mute, I guess.
Anyway, a severe storm moves in (I know, how dare bad weather intrude upon the perfect climate of Pleasantville Sweet Valley!), and before you can even say “Identicalblondesizesixtwinswithoppositepersonalities,” the waves knock Denny off his board. NOOOOOOO!!! The life of the little-known love interest of one of the bitchiest characters in all of Sweet Valley is imperiled… I’m really on the edge of my seat here!
As his brother floats around facedown in the choppy water, Sam hightails it to safety. He supposedly doesn’t notice that Denny’ in trouble, but come on: if you were out surfing with someone and a bad storm suddenly cropped up, wouldn’t you at least take a second to look around and make sure she/he was OK before heading for shore? Yeah, me too. I’m forced to conclude that either Sam’s a huge wimp or he wants his brother dead for some reason. Personally, I’m rooting for the latter option simply because it’s more exciting.
Drama cut short, Liz swims out to rescue Denny, braving waves of four to five feet. She tugs him to shore only to discover that he’s not breathing, at which point she performs mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Any excuse to lock lips with a guy who’s not Trusty Boyfriend Todd is good enough for you, huh, Elizabeth?
Predictably, it takes all of two seconds for her to bring Denny back from the brink of death, because she of the great purity and unblemished spirit naturally has the Divine Spark of Life in her breath.
Cut to a Unicorn meeting at Casa Wakefield. We learn that Janet will be representing Sweet Valley Middle School at some lame event called the Teen Health Fair. She’ll be giving a riveting speech entitled You and Orthodontia, a subject Janet supposedly knows about because she’s recently gotten tooth-straightening night gear, and she gets to pick a few people from SVMS to be hostesses at the fair. All of the Unicorns are clamoring to be chosen because they’ve heard that a few podunk news stations might show up to film the event. Mandy and Mary actually constructed a giant papier-mâché molar in Janet’s garage to show her how much they deserve to be chosen! Oookay, this officially sounds like the kind of event that the school’s science geeks ought to be way more into than the Unicorns. Doesn’t this ghost writer know that these girls only care about fashion, gossip, and the loser guys at their school?
Then Denny’s parents show up; after making sure Denny is going to be OK at the hospital, they bring Elizabeth home. The Jacobsons gush to everyone about what a HERO! Liz is, and then they pretty much insist on her accompanying them back to the hospital to hang out with Denny. You insensitive people, don’t you think that Liz might be just a wee bit tired after risking her life to save your kid? And really, what was the point in bringing her home at all if you were just going to drag her back to the hospital right away? The Unicorns decide to tag along too.
At the hospital, a reporter shows up to do a story on Liz’s heroics. Liz discusses how she owes her quick response to some lifesaving class that she took at the local pool. Hmm, I don’t remember her taking such a class… and if she’s really so awesome at the swimming and lifesaving, why is she (if I recall correctly) the slowest person trying out for lifeguard duty in the SVU “Lifeguards” books??? Zero continuity, but hey, it’s par for the course. The reporter Rita Skeeters all of the details of the rescue (10-foot waves!) to make the story more dramatic.
Denny, perhaps sensing that this is the only moment in the spotlight that his character is going to get in SVT (at least as far as I remember), decides to milk this opportunity for all it’s worth. He pretty much proceeds to show his gratitude to Elizabeth for saving his life by systematically driving her insane. He shows up at her house to walk her to school every morning (and doesn’t even allow the poor girl time to brush her teeth before dragging her off, for crying out loud!), insists on eating with her at lunch (and Todd just stalks off moodily when this happens… where’s that ToddPunch?!), and whines so much to Mr. Clark about how Liz deserves to be presented a medal at an assembly held in her honor that he actually caves and does it. Even THAT doesn’t satisfy GratefulDenny, who thinks the medal Liz gets is too small. Give it a rest, dude!
Janet, of course, is mega-pissed about all of the attention that Denny is paying to Liz. She informs Jess that- GASP!- she’ll be out of the running to be a hostess at the stupid health fair thingie if she doesn’t manage to make Liz leave Denny alone.
Meanwhile, Denny takes to loitering around the Wakefield’s house like the creepy stalker he is, waiting for Liz to come out and order him around or something. At this point, I think some scans should be done to make sure that the whole nearly dying thing didn’t fry Denny’s brain.
Liz has finally had enough, so when Jessica comes up with one of her trademark harebrained schemes for nixing the hero worship, she’s willing to give it a try. The plan is for Elizabeth to eat a bunch of sandwiches before going swimming at the Sweet Valley Pool Club, go swimming directly afterward, fake a cramp, and allow Denny to “save” her. Then they’ll be even, and everything can get back to normal! Gee, I don’t see how anything could possibly go wrong with this brilliant idea, do you?
Denny decides to eat a lot before swimming too (after all, Elizabeth Wakefield told him it wasn’t dangerous, so that must be true!), and so when Elizabeth fakes the cramp, he’s fallen asleep thanks to overeating. Amy hears Liz calling for help and comes to save her, and Elizabeth is far from grateful: “Yes, I’m all right. Now would you please go away?” is how she thanks her would-be rescuer. Real nice, Liz.
Then Denny gets into the water. He actually DOES get a cramp, and no one but Elizabeth (and Amy- why can’t Amy go save him?) notices that he’s going under. Once again, Saint Liz comes to his rescue. Denny decides that Elizabeth isn’t just his hero; no, she’s his GUARDIAN ANGEL. Blegh.
Denny ups his stalkerage-of-gratitude, playing an out-of-tune guitar below Elizabeth’s window and making up tribute songs to her as he goes along. Excerpt: “my hero’s on the honor roll . . . my hero has a heart of gold .” Yeah, it’s really that bad.
The Wakefield sibs come up with a new plan for getting rid of Denny: Joe (who is willing to participate because living with a pissed-off Janet is apparently about as much fun as undergoing waterboarding), will pretend to mug Liz and Denny. Denny will chase him off, and then he and Elizabeth will finally be even! Well, not really, since even then the score would be Elizabeth: 2 rescues, Denny: 1 rescue. But still, good enough. I don’t get why they’re assuming that Denny will chase Joe off instead of just handing over his wallet or whatever like a rational person with a decent respect for preserving his well-being would do, but whatever.
Once again, the utterly predictable happens. Denny decides to fight Joe, and they really go at it. Denny is getting the worst of it, and Liz freaks out. Completely ruining the plan, she jumps on Joe’s back and twists his arm. Joe is really in pain, so he shakes Elizabeth off and runs away. Denny, of course, is even more in awe of Elizabeth than ever for “saving his life” a third time. Liz, you really should’ve just let them beat each other up a little. Joe deserves it for being a truly sucky friend to Steven [see B Plot], and Denny deserves it for being so freaking clueless and annoying. I imagine this scene looking a lot like the part of 50 First Dates when Drew Barrymore’s character whips out the bat and goes after the “mugger” friend of Adam Sandler’s character.
Denny proceeds to spread the story of his latest rescue around school. Janet becomes even more furious and pulls Elizabeth aside to inform her that she’s a no-good “boyfriend stealer.” Elizabeth: “I am not a boyfriend stealer.” Whatevs, Liz. Tell that to the women whose fiancés you’ll eventually steal, not to mention all of your other victims.
Just as Janet is starting to cool down, Bruce happens by and mocks the subject of Janet’s upcoming health fair speech. “Orthodontia! How lame. Who cares about orthodontia?” he says. I’m loving Bruce right now. Bruce suggests that Elizabeth should give the speech for their school instead, since knowing how to protect yourself is the best way to stay healthy. Janet goes nuts and pledges that Liz will be “sorry.” Ooooh, what’s she going to do, make Elizabeth attend the mega-boring health fair or something?
Janet retaliates by telling Jessica that she’s not going to be a hostess at the fair and banning her from wearing purple until she stops the “Elizabethmania.” Not the purple, anything but the purple! Please, Janet, show mercy and just chop off a few of her fingers instead!
That night at Casa Wakefield, Elizabeth, Jessica, Steven, and Joe (he’s decided to forgive the Wakefields for the mugging mishap so that he can study at their house and get away from Janet) decide that they’ve been going about things all wrong. Instead of trying to make Denny into a hero, they should be focusing on making a hero out of Janet!
The new plan is for Steven, Joe, and Sam (Denny’s brother… and check it out, his willingness to help out with this totally lends credence to my “Sam wants Denny dead” theory) to get inside the giant papier-mâché tooth that Mandy and Mary made for the health fair wearing skates and glide “out of control” down Pine Street, which is officially the steepest street in Sweet Valley, in case anyone is keeping track. They’ll head through the Plaza Shopping Strip right toward Denny, who will be in exactly the right spot at exactly the right time because Elizabeth will call and tell him to meet her there. Janet will be there too, because they’ll have Maria tell her that there’s this one special kind of face powder she really ought to buy for her speech the next day, and she’ll knock Denny out of the way of the tooth. And presto, Janet will be Denny’s new hero!
Naturally, things don’t work out quite that neatly. Even though Liz, Jess, and Amy are all yelling “Do something, Janet!” as the tooth approaches Denny, Janet just stands there, completely frozen. Fortunately, Maria hurls herself into Amy, who knocks into Elizabeth, who slams into Jessica, who pushes Janet into Denny, hurling them both out of the way of the tooth. Ouch, all that shoving sounds painful.
Janet is, of course, more than happy to take credit for this “rescue” and to accept Denny’s new hero worship of her. In fact, she’s so thrilled to be the new object of Denny’s creepy and obsessive affections that she allows Jessica to be a hostess at the dumb health fair after all. Oh frabjous day! Callo, callay! And all is well in the wonderful world of Sweet Valley once more. At least until SVT #75, when an earthquake hits!
B PLOT
Five words sum up this side plot quite nicely: Steven is a colossal IDIOT.
Even easygoing, all-around awesome Cathy Connors is forced to denounce Steven as the most conceited guy she’s ever met after he goes on and on about eight stupid shots he made at basketball practice while paying no attention to Cathy’s efforts to tell him that she made TEN shots at HER basketball practice. You suck, Steven! Cathy could totally kick your butt at basketball, not to mention practically everything else.
Steven whips out some story that the school paper did on him being a heap-big basketball hero and says: “Guess you feel pretty lucky to be dating somebody like me, huh?” Cathy has the good sense to walk away in a huff. Steven just can’t believe how unreasonable she’s being, throwing away a prince like him. He figures that lots of other girls are just dying for a chance to go out with a “potential captain of the basketball team”… girls like some new girl we’ve never heard of before (how convenient!) named Pam Martin.
Steven tells Joe that he likes Pam. Hmm, do real-life guys actually divulge that sort of thing in conversations with their guy friends? I really have no idea, but I suspect not. Joe agrees that she’s cute and then (literally!) pushes Steven to go talk to her when she fortuitously happens by. Joe pushes him so hard, in fact, that Steven actually falls on the floor directly in front of Pam, causing her to trip over him. WTF, Joe? That is NOT HELPFUL! You’re a truly lousy best friend. As if this weren’t bad enough, Joe then ditches Steven, leaving Pam to think that Steven’s “My friend pushed me!” excuse is a total lie since he appears to be alone.
Joe then miraculously reappears, acting as if he’s just arrived on the scene. He picks up Pam’s glasses, which Steven knocked off, from the floor, thereby making Pam think that he’s a helpful, stand-up kind of guy. As it turns out, Joe has decided that he’s into Pam too, so he wants her to think that Steven’s even more of an idiot than he actually is. Backstabber! But to be fair, as Joe points out, Steven totally went after Jill Hale when she was sort of going out with Joe, so how is this any different?
Steven eventually gets Joe to agree to fake-mug him and “Cathy” (Joe thinks it’ll be Cathy, but of course it’ll actually be Pam) after he’s through mugging Elizabeth and Denny [See A Plot]. In Steven’s twisted mind, he thinks that if he fends off a mugger, Pam will totally think he’s not a loser and go out with him! This totally backfires when Joe, shaken by being beaten up by Liz, runs by without trying to mug them. After shoving Pam to “safety” behind a mailbox, Steven runs after Joe and tackles him. Once Joe has taken off, Steven is left trying to explain to Pam how Joe (she didn’t see that it was Joe, at least) really was a dangerous mugger, even though he never said or did anything to them. Not being brain-dead, Pam is having none of it.
In the school library the next day, Steven overhears Pam telling some other girl about what a lunatic he is. Well, what did you expect, Steven?
Steven finally realizes that Cathy is far superior to Pam when the two girls both show up in the plaza to find Steven and Joe pinned under the giant tooth [See A Plot] and Cathy, unlike Pam, manages to see the humor in the situation. Poor Cathy. Does she even realize that her boyfriend, whom she never technically broke up with, has spent the past few days/week doing dumb stuff in an effort to impress another girl? DUMP HIM, CATHY! You can seriously do better.
And now, for the kid’s perspective on these wacky high jinks, I turn to a couple of reviews on Amazon. The first one pretty much summarizes the book way more succinctly than I manage to do, and I find the last sentence of the second one amusing.
0 of 1 people found the following review helpful:
none, December 3, 2006
A Kid's Review
So Liz saves a guys life. That's amazing, but the guy thinks he has to wait on Liz hand and foot. Liz's trick doesn't work, it only makes the guy more proud cuz she saves him again. This is a good book.
1 of 2 people found the following review helpful:
You're a hero, Lizzie!, September 23, 2001
A Kid's Review
I found this book so nice. It tells how Elizabeth Wakefield is a real kind-hearted girl. I think it is just coincidence how she was able to save Denny Jacobson several times. But I'm glad they came up with such brilliant idea to get rid of Denny-and Janet Howell at the same time. Wakefield siblings are incredibly clever!