Sweet Valley Kids #49: Jessica’s Mermaid, or “Jessica Cries Wolf”
Since we’re severely lacking recaps in one particular series, I present you with this:
Re-reading it to do this recap, I now realize exactly why there are so few SVK recaps. These books are as boring as a great big boring thing. And this one is no different
Check out Jessica’s sailor outfit. I think I had one similar to that…when I was FOUR. This, of course, is about half the age of our favorite twinkies. I seriously cannot believe that she volunteered to wear that.
So the book begins with the Sweet Valley gang waiting to leave before a field trip. Lizzie is in the back of the classroom, talking to the hamsters (whose names are Tinkerbell and Thumbelina). The hamsters just stare at her with puzzled looks. I bet they were thinking, “Why is she bothering us? Shouldn’t she be meddling like the champion meddler she is?” Jess walks in, says she can never tell who’s who and we get the alike-but-different jazz. But no perfect size-6, ‘cause this is nine years before Robin’s Wonder-exia.
Miss Lila is showing off the seashell necklace that George bought for her the last time he was in Hawaii. Ellen thinks she can make one for herself. Amy demands one, as well. Eva tells Lila that they have stranger-looking shells in Jamaica, and the ghostwriter tells us that Eva is from Jamaica (“an island in the Caribbean”) and starts paraphrasing Shania Twain songs (“Lila didn’t impress her much.” Well, you know what, Eva? Fuck you). Elizabeth starts to talk about Eva’s shell collection when Jess says that there’s a horse on the playground. Lois Waller immediately waddles to the window.
After everyone finishes laughing at Lois’s gullibility, the attention goes back to Lila. The awesome Miss Fowler tells everyone that her dad is going to take her to Hawaii and give her a luau for her tenth birthday. Liz passively-aggressively says that he’ll probably forget by then. Bitch. Jessica then informs everyone that the principal dyed her hair green. Elizabeth looks, sees no green-haired principal, and accuses Jess of just trying to steal the spotlight from Lila. This is probably true; after all, who’s going to notice you when Lila’s around? She then claims to see a giant sea monster. I think you all can see where this book is going.
The bus finally gets to the school and Jess is the first one on. She immediately heads to the back so that she can save everyone’s seats. She then bitches to Liz about how much her feet hurt. Liz condescends that she shouldn’t have worn those shoes and that she was lucky that their mother didn’t see. Like Alice would’ve given a damn. Everyone is too excited about the Seashore Preserve to notice that Jessica is the best-dressed second-grader, so she decides to casually mention them to Ellen and Amy. They’re all, “Pretty, but you should’ve worn trainers. Did you see Lila’s necklace?” Burn. Jess decides to tell her class that there’s a giant squid outside, and they all turn to look. Idiots. Did they learn nothing from the first thirteen pages? Winston claims that he’s the giant squid, and everybody laughs but Jessica. How dare they ignore her and her shoes, and laugh at her dumb jokes?
FINALLY, Mrs. Otis’s class makes it to the preserve. The sign says “No swimming, surfing, motorboats, plant collecting, or littering. Please do not feed the animals!” It should say, “No murder, kidnapping, or (Todd) punching. Please do not kiss the Wakefields!” Or it could take a page out of Ann M’s book and read: “Beach Zoo! Beach Zoo! Silly billy goo goo!” The tour guide looks at Jess’s shoes and says that he hopes she brought some other shoes. Jess is all, “My shoes are awesome and comfortable.” Weren’t you complaining about your feet hurting a few pages ago? The guide is all, “Uh-huh.” There’s more talk of Ellen trying to make a necklace like Lila’s - because, really, Lila’s necklace should’ve been the A-Plot - and the guide says they’ll have lunch at Seal Beach. Liz starts bouncing off the walls, and does her best Special Ed impression.
Everyone follows the guide out of the gate, and Jess is the last one because she hasn’t learned the fine art of the commuter shoe yet. Liz offers to switch shoes with her and she refuses, despite complaining about the heat and how much her feet hurt yet again. Seriously, this is the majority of the storyline. Where on earth is Lila’s necklace when you need it? I should note that the ghostwriter says here that Jess catches her skirt on a thorn, but on the cover and in the accompanying illustrations, she’s clearly wearing a shorts-suit. Ellen finds one of the shells on Lila’s necklace, along with a starfish. After looking at them, Elizabeth ditches Jessica to hear nature facts.
…
God Liz is boring. I can’t believe I wanted to be her as a kid.
So Jessica’s feet still hurt, and she’s bringing up the rear. Up ahead, she can hear bits and pieces of Lila bragging about her necklace. She sits on a rock, thinks about how no one cares about her, and wonders how she could wear her new clothes to the beach. Because you wanted to be cute, Jess, though I don’t know why. It’s not like Steven was there. She looks back at everyone getting further and further away, and she notices a tidal pool. Jess thinks, “Well, I know there’s no swimming, but I bet I can stick my feet in,” so she takes off her shoes and socks, plunges her feet into the tidal pool, and pours the sand out of her shoes. Suddenly, she realizes that she’s staring into a pair of brown eyes. It swims away and Jess catches a glimpse of a tail. She automatically assumes it’s a mermaid. In a tidal pool, Jessica? It’d have to be more like a mer-midget.
Jess runs to tell everybody about the “mermaid” that she saw. Predictably, everyone laughs at her. Her teacher, Mrs. Otis, even says that it was her best joke yet, and then tells the class to continue looking for different types of seaweed. Jessica is pissed! They weren’t taking her seriously?! Quelle horreur! She opens her mouth to say something, but she can’t form any words. There’s a first time for everything, folks.
After everyone goes on their little sea(weed)Quest, Lizzie is the only one still standing near Jess. Elizabeth looks for the twinkle in her sister’s eye that meant she was joking; she couldn’t find it. ‘Cause, you know, she wasn’t joking. Jess asks if she believes, and her response is, “No. Mermaids don’t exist.” Liz thinks that Jess sounds truthful, but then she remembers that Jess is very good at fooling people. Apparently, she forgot this by her 16th birthday. Jess starts crying and Liz starts to believe for a second that Jessica is telling the truth, but then she recalls the fact that her twin can cry on demand. Again, another lesson forgotten by the age of 16. So Liz yells at her, and tells Jess to quit acting like a baby. Jess whines that she is NOT acting like a baby, and proceeds to throw a tantrum before Liz tells her the story of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.” After Liz finishes being all clichéd, she runs down the beach with the rest of her friends. I hate to say it, but I’m very impressed by the fact that there is very little doormat syndrome in this book. But I’m sure Liz will prove me wrong.
Jess finally stops blubbering for America and gets off her rock (much different from getting her rocks off), deciding that she’s going to make them love believe her. She goes up to Ellen, who is STILL trying to imitate Lila’s necklace. Jess is all, “You know what’ll show her? Finding my mermaid.” Ellen is all “Whatev.”
Travis, the guide, tells the kids that they’ve reached Seal Beach and that they’re going to stop hiking and have lunch. TKSBT (Trusty-Kinda-Sorta-Boyfriend-Todd) announces that he doesn’t see any seals. Lizzie tells him that the seals are having their lunch in the ocean. I prefer to think that they are avoiding the illustrious Tool Todd Punch. Everyone spreads out to eat lunch and Jess heads toward Lois and Julie Porter, who are eating together. Lois asks if Jessica is eating with them, and Jess answers by inquiring as to whether or not Lois believes her about the mermaid. Lois says no. Wow, Jess, you have truly hit rock bottom if Lois, the only person that has believed everything you said all day, is in doubt.
Jess moves on to Amy and Eva. Ms. Slutton wants to know why Jess wouldn’t at least say something believable, like a man-eating shark. Jess rages at her that she didn’t see a man-eating shark; she saw a freaking mermaid. The boys join in on the teasing. Charlie Cashman (isn’t he Bruce’s best friend? Sweet Merlin, is he the ONLY person in the senior class?) asks if it had a scaly tale with flippers; Jess says no. Well then, Jessica, you didn’t see a mermaid. Ken asks if it was riding a seahorse, and Winston wanted to know if there were mermen and merbabies, as well. After rolling my eyes, I fight the urge to hurl this piece of shite that FrancYzma has cursed me with across the coffee shop.
Jess decides to go see Lila, because Lila makes everything better awesome. Lila tells her to let it go, and she’ll let Jessica wear her necklace for five minutes. Screw the mermaid; take her up on it. Deal! Deal! DEAL!!! But, alas, Jessica tells the Banker Lila “No deal,” and walks away with nothing. For the bazillionth time, she cries. If there ever were a time Liz’s amazing powers of condescension, it would be now.
What do you know? The book cuts back to Liz, who’s watching Jessica eating alone and crying. She wonders aloud about whether or not Jessica is telling the truth. Amy tells her that she’s going cuckoo. Eva says that she doesn’t believe in mermaids, but she does think Jess saw something, because usually Jessica just gives up and laughs. But instead she’s sticking with the bit. Liz asks Jessica if she really saw a mermaid, and Jess says, “I did. Honest,” and does their super-secret-special promise sign - the cross your heart, double finger snap. Liz asks where she saw it, and Jess tells her it was in tidal pool. Lizzie is all, “Are you sure wasn’t an animal?” and Jess is like, “With long, wavy hair?” Liz agrees to go see with Mrs. Otis with her so that they can convince her to go back and look for this elusive possible-mermaid. I think, “Jesus H! What happened with Lila’s necklace? Can we go back to that plot?”
So Jess and Liz make their way to Mrs. Otis, who is discussing whales with Travis. And Todd wasn’t allowed in on this? How dare them! They should be punched! Or at least pushed in the tidal pool. Mrs. Otis tells Jessica to quit joking, but stops in her tracks when St. Elizabeth of Sweet Valley checks the light on her halo before saying the magic words: “I believe her.” Mrs. Otis is all, “That changes everything. Class we’re going look at Jessica’s mermaid.” Everyone groans as they make their way back to the tidal pool. Liz squeezes Jess’s hand as Charlie offers the first person to see the mermaid five dollars. Ellen yells, “I found it!” and everyone is, like, “The mermaid?” Ellen says, “No. The yellow cowrie shell so that I can make a necklace and pretend to be as awesome as Lila. Mermaids don’t exist.” Ha ha.
Then…Winston sees it for real. But, alas dear reader, it is not a mermaid. It’s a baby sea lion, wrapped in sea weed. So if they had just listened to Jess in the first place, there would’ve been no need for sea(weed)Quest D’SV. All the girls coo over the sea lion, because, OMG KAWAII, it’s so kayute! Travis tells them that she (the sea lion) has been orphaned and that luckily, the preserve has a program for orphaned animals. Then he announces that Jess gets to name her. Lila says that if she had found her, its name would be Lila. I would’ve named her that, too. Jess declares, “I’ll name her ‘Mermaid.’” And that’s how Jessica learned how NOT to lie. Which she then forgot by the time she got home. The End.
Except it’s not, because we have to get set up for the next book. The next morning, Ellen is wearing her shell necklace so that she can be like Lila. Elizabeth says that you can’t tell them apart, just like Jessica and her. Ellen tells them about Casey’s new sundae, the Twin Delight. As a way to get free advertising, they’re inviting twins to come get a free sundae. All Jess can think about is how to rub it in Steven’s face that she gets free ice cream and he doesn’t. Insert your own Steven/Jessica joke [here]. Will Steven get himself a free sundae? I don’t know, but I’ll attempt to track down a copy of “Steven’s Twin” so you can find out.
Re-reading it to do this recap, I now realize exactly why there are so few SVK recaps. These books are as boring as a great big boring thing. And this one is no different
Check out Jessica’s sailor outfit. I think I had one similar to that…when I was FOUR. This, of course, is about half the age of our favorite twinkies. I seriously cannot believe that she volunteered to wear that.
So the book begins with the Sweet Valley gang waiting to leave before a field trip. Lizzie is in the back of the classroom, talking to the hamsters (whose names are Tinkerbell and Thumbelina). The hamsters just stare at her with puzzled looks. I bet they were thinking, “Why is she bothering us? Shouldn’t she be meddling like the champion meddler she is?” Jess walks in, says she can never tell who’s who and we get the alike-but-different jazz. But no perfect size-6, ‘cause this is nine years before Robin’s Wonder-exia.
Miss Lila is showing off the seashell necklace that George bought for her the last time he was in Hawaii. Ellen thinks she can make one for herself. Amy demands one, as well. Eva tells Lila that they have stranger-looking shells in Jamaica, and the ghostwriter tells us that Eva is from Jamaica (“an island in the Caribbean”) and starts paraphrasing Shania Twain songs (“Lila didn’t impress her much.” Well, you know what, Eva? Fuck you). Elizabeth starts to talk about Eva’s shell collection when Jess says that there’s a horse on the playground. Lois Waller immediately waddles to the window.
After everyone finishes laughing at Lois’s gullibility, the attention goes back to Lila. The awesome Miss Fowler tells everyone that her dad is going to take her to Hawaii and give her a luau for her tenth birthday. Liz passively-aggressively says that he’ll probably forget by then. Bitch. Jessica then informs everyone that the principal dyed her hair green. Elizabeth looks, sees no green-haired principal, and accuses Jess of just trying to steal the spotlight from Lila. This is probably true; after all, who’s going to notice you when Lila’s around? She then claims to see a giant sea monster. I think you all can see where this book is going.
The bus finally gets to the school and Jess is the first one on. She immediately heads to the back so that she can save everyone’s seats. She then bitches to Liz about how much her feet hurt. Liz condescends that she shouldn’t have worn those shoes and that she was lucky that their mother didn’t see. Like Alice would’ve given a damn. Everyone is too excited about the Seashore Preserve to notice that Jessica is the best-dressed second-grader, so she decides to casually mention them to Ellen and Amy. They’re all, “Pretty, but you should’ve worn trainers. Did you see Lila’s necklace?” Burn. Jess decides to tell her class that there’s a giant squid outside, and they all turn to look. Idiots. Did they learn nothing from the first thirteen pages? Winston claims that he’s the giant squid, and everybody laughs but Jessica. How dare they ignore her and her shoes, and laugh at her dumb jokes?
FINALLY, Mrs. Otis’s class makes it to the preserve. The sign says “No swimming, surfing, motorboats, plant collecting, or littering. Please do not feed the animals!” It should say, “No murder, kidnapping, or (Todd) punching. Please do not kiss the Wakefields!” Or it could take a page out of Ann M’s book and read: “Beach Zoo! Beach Zoo! Silly billy goo goo!” The tour guide looks at Jess’s shoes and says that he hopes she brought some other shoes. Jess is all, “My shoes are awesome and comfortable.” Weren’t you complaining about your feet hurting a few pages ago? The guide is all, “Uh-huh.” There’s more talk of Ellen trying to make a necklace like Lila’s - because, really, Lila’s necklace should’ve been the A-Plot - and the guide says they’ll have lunch at Seal Beach. Liz starts bouncing off the walls, and does her best Special Ed impression.
Everyone follows the guide out of the gate, and Jess is the last one because she hasn’t learned the fine art of the commuter shoe yet. Liz offers to switch shoes with her and she refuses, despite complaining about the heat and how much her feet hurt yet again. Seriously, this is the majority of the storyline. Where on earth is Lila’s necklace when you need it? I should note that the ghostwriter says here that Jess catches her skirt on a thorn, but on the cover and in the accompanying illustrations, she’s clearly wearing a shorts-suit. Ellen finds one of the shells on Lila’s necklace, along with a starfish. After looking at them, Elizabeth ditches Jessica to hear nature facts.
…
God Liz is boring. I can’t believe I wanted to be her as a kid.
So Jessica’s feet still hurt, and she’s bringing up the rear. Up ahead, she can hear bits and pieces of Lila bragging about her necklace. She sits on a rock, thinks about how no one cares about her, and wonders how she could wear her new clothes to the beach. Because you wanted to be cute, Jess, though I don’t know why. It’s not like Steven was there. She looks back at everyone getting further and further away, and she notices a tidal pool. Jess thinks, “Well, I know there’s no swimming, but I bet I can stick my feet in,” so she takes off her shoes and socks, plunges her feet into the tidal pool, and pours the sand out of her shoes. Suddenly, she realizes that she’s staring into a pair of brown eyes. It swims away and Jess catches a glimpse of a tail. She automatically assumes it’s a mermaid. In a tidal pool, Jessica? It’d have to be more like a mer-midget.
Jess runs to tell everybody about the “mermaid” that she saw. Predictably, everyone laughs at her. Her teacher, Mrs. Otis, even says that it was her best joke yet, and then tells the class to continue looking for different types of seaweed. Jessica is pissed! They weren’t taking her seriously?! Quelle horreur! She opens her mouth to say something, but she can’t form any words. There’s a first time for everything, folks.
After everyone goes on their little sea(weed)Quest, Lizzie is the only one still standing near Jess. Elizabeth looks for the twinkle in her sister’s eye that meant she was joking; she couldn’t find it. ‘Cause, you know, she wasn’t joking. Jess asks if she believes, and her response is, “No. Mermaids don’t exist.” Liz thinks that Jess sounds truthful, but then she remembers that Jess is very good at fooling people. Apparently, she forgot this by her 16th birthday. Jess starts crying and Liz starts to believe for a second that Jessica is telling the truth, but then she recalls the fact that her twin can cry on demand. Again, another lesson forgotten by the age of 16. So Liz yells at her, and tells Jess to quit acting like a baby. Jess whines that she is NOT acting like a baby, and proceeds to throw a tantrum before Liz tells her the story of “The Boy Who Cried Wolf.” After Liz finishes being all clichéd, she runs down the beach with the rest of her friends. I hate to say it, but I’m very impressed by the fact that there is very little doormat syndrome in this book. But I’m sure Liz will prove me wrong.
Jess finally stops blubbering for America and gets off her rock (much different from getting her rocks off), deciding that she’s going to make them love believe her. She goes up to Ellen, who is STILL trying to imitate Lila’s necklace. Jess is all, “You know what’ll show her? Finding my mermaid.” Ellen is all “Whatev.”
Travis, the guide, tells the kids that they’ve reached Seal Beach and that they’re going to stop hiking and have lunch. TKSBT (Trusty-Kinda-Sorta-Boyfriend-Todd) announces that he doesn’t see any seals. Lizzie tells him that the seals are having their lunch in the ocean. I prefer to think that they are avoiding the illustrious Tool Todd Punch. Everyone spreads out to eat lunch and Jess heads toward Lois and Julie Porter, who are eating together. Lois asks if Jessica is eating with them, and Jess answers by inquiring as to whether or not Lois believes her about the mermaid. Lois says no. Wow, Jess, you have truly hit rock bottom if Lois, the only person that has believed everything you said all day, is in doubt.
Jess moves on to Amy and Eva. Ms. Slutton wants to know why Jess wouldn’t at least say something believable, like a man-eating shark. Jess rages at her that she didn’t see a man-eating shark; she saw a freaking mermaid. The boys join in on the teasing. Charlie Cashman (isn’t he Bruce’s best friend? Sweet Merlin, is he the ONLY person in the senior class?) asks if it had a scaly tale with flippers; Jess says no. Well then, Jessica, you didn’t see a mermaid. Ken asks if it was riding a seahorse, and Winston wanted to know if there were mermen and merbabies, as well. After rolling my eyes, I fight the urge to hurl this piece of shite that FrancYzma has cursed me with across the coffee shop.
Jess decides to go see Lila, because Lila makes everything better awesome. Lila tells her to let it go, and she’ll let Jessica wear her necklace for five minutes. Screw the mermaid; take her up on it. Deal! Deal! DEAL!!! But, alas, Jessica tells the Banker Lila “No deal,” and walks away with nothing. For the bazillionth time, she cries. If there ever were a time Liz’s amazing powers of condescension, it would be now.
What do you know? The book cuts back to Liz, who’s watching Jessica eating alone and crying. She wonders aloud about whether or not Jessica is telling the truth. Amy tells her that she’s going cuckoo. Eva says that she doesn’t believe in mermaids, but she does think Jess saw something, because usually Jessica just gives up and laughs. But instead she’s sticking with the bit. Liz asks Jessica if she really saw a mermaid, and Jess says, “I did. Honest,” and does their super-secret-special promise sign - the cross your heart, double finger snap. Liz asks where she saw it, and Jess tells her it was in tidal pool. Lizzie is all, “Are you sure wasn’t an animal?” and Jess is like, “With long, wavy hair?” Liz agrees to go see with Mrs. Otis with her so that they can convince her to go back and look for this elusive possible-mermaid. I think, “Jesus H! What happened with Lila’s necklace? Can we go back to that plot?”
So Jess and Liz make their way to Mrs. Otis, who is discussing whales with Travis. And Todd wasn’t allowed in on this? How dare them! They should be punched! Or at least pushed in the tidal pool. Mrs. Otis tells Jessica to quit joking, but stops in her tracks when St. Elizabeth of Sweet Valley checks the light on her halo before saying the magic words: “I believe her.” Mrs. Otis is all, “That changes everything. Class we’re going look at Jessica’s mermaid.” Everyone groans as they make their way back to the tidal pool. Liz squeezes Jess’s hand as Charlie offers the first person to see the mermaid five dollars. Ellen yells, “I found it!” and everyone is, like, “The mermaid?” Ellen says, “No. The yellow cowrie shell so that I can make a necklace and pretend to be as awesome as Lila. Mermaids don’t exist.” Ha ha.
Then…Winston sees it for real. But, alas dear reader, it is not a mermaid. It’s a baby sea lion, wrapped in sea weed. So if they had just listened to Jess in the first place, there would’ve been no need for sea(weed)Quest D’SV. All the girls coo over the sea lion, because, OMG KAWAII, it’s so kayute! Travis tells them that she (the sea lion) has been orphaned and that luckily, the preserve has a program for orphaned animals. Then he announces that Jess gets to name her. Lila says that if she had found her, its name would be Lila. I would’ve named her that, too. Jess declares, “I’ll name her ‘Mermaid.’” And that’s how Jessica learned how NOT to lie. Which she then forgot by the time she got home. The End.
Except it’s not, because we have to get set up for the next book. The next morning, Ellen is wearing her shell necklace so that she can be like Lila. Elizabeth says that you can’t tell them apart, just like Jessica and her. Ellen tells them about Casey’s new sundae, the Twin Delight. As a way to get free advertising, they’re inviting twins to come get a free sundae. All Jess can think about is how to rub it in Steven’s face that she gets free ice cream and he doesn’t. Insert your own Steven/Jessica joke [here]. Will Steven get himself a free sundae? I don’t know, but I’ll attempt to track down a copy of “Steven’s Twin” so you can find out.