Sweet Valley Twins #82: Steven's Enemy
Sweet Valley Twins #82: Steven's Enemy
So the book boils down to this: everyone's mad at someone, but no one punches anyone. I wish this book were called "Todd's Enemy."
I cannot get over the cover of this one. First, we have Jessica tilting her hips and making that saucy little "fluttering fingers" wave. She's a twelve-year-old tart. Steven, on the other hand, is rocking the rolled-up sleeves like he just stepped out of The Outsiders. And then there's Ben in the middle, who not only looks like he's posing awkwardly for a picture but is standing with his back to us. I suppose the artist couldn't be bothered to come up with a face for the poor guy?
The book starts out with the Unicorns eating lunch at the Unicorner. (God, I hate typing that word. It's better than the Angeliner, but still...) They're gossiping about Veronica Brooks, the girl who framed Jessica for theft but was thwarted by the all-powerful twin switch plot. Oh, and the twins look alike but are different because Elizabeth is boring and Jessica...thinks Elizabeth is boring. That's pretty much how the book summarizes their personalities.
When Jessica asks for a bite of Janet's hamburger, the girls notice that Janet is staring off into space. They tease her about her boyfriend, Denny Jacobson, but she says they've broken up. She explains that he was too interested in his new computer game, even playing it while she was talking to him on the phone. And she let him live? This can't be the girl who normally rules the Unicorns with an iron fist, can it? Anyway, she wants a boy who's too mature for video games. Sorry, Janet, but they don't outgrow their games. My husband is twenty-seven and he'd probably marry his Wii if I hadn't met him first.
Janet reveals that she's now interested in Doug, a boy from Sweet Valley High who plays basketball. The other Unicorns decide to attend the next SVH basketball practice with her to decide if they'll give her their approval. Janet shrieks, "I don't need your validation, bitches! Now bow down and lick my boots before I start kicking some Unicorn ass!" Okay, she doesn't, but she should have.
Meanwhile, Steven is having a bad day. His basketball coach has given his position to Ben Oliver, changing Steven from starting center to guard. I have no idea what this means, having no sports knowledge myself, but to Steven he may as well be demoting him to towel boy. Steven already hates Ben because he skipped seventh grade, always knows the answer when a teacher calls on him, and (gasp!) is nice to Steven. Both boys are also running against each other for class treasurer. Steven intends to utterly destroy Ben in the election. I think Steven and Janet got their personalities mixed up in this book.
At home, Steven yells at Jessica and her friends to be quiet while he's working on "the greatest speech of his political career." Doesn't he go into prelaw in college? Well, I suppose that would be the greatest--and only--speech of his political career, then.
At dinner, he insists that Jessica's friends be banned from the house, setting off an argument. In a rare moment of Wakefield parenting, Ned says that Jessica's friends can still come over, but have to keep the noise down. Wow. Normally Ned and Alice cover their ears and run for the Xanax whenever their kids fight.
Steven puts up a poster at school that reads, "Be a winner with Wakefield...or a loser with Oliver!" That's terrible. I don't mean it's mean, I mean the slogan just plain sucks. What happened to the alliteration? Why not "a blockhead with Ben" or "an opium fiend with Oliver"? Okay, I'll shut up about the stupid slogan now.
Steven's girlfriend Cathy objects to the poster, but Steven insists Ben deserves it because "he's an ugly, wimpy, conniving punk." Cathy's reply is, "Oh, come on, Steven. He's not ugly at all." So I guess she thinks he's a cute, wimpy, conniving punk. Steven goes into a jealous rage and for just a second I think we're going to see a StevenPunch. We don't, I'm afraid. Maybe next time.
That day at lunch, Elizabeth mooches Amy's sloppy joe. First Jessica eats part of Janet's burger, now Liz is taking food from Amy. Do Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield feed their children? Amy lets her have the sloppy joe because she's not hungry--she's worried because her parents have been acting strangely. Elizabeth immediately puts on her butting-in hat and Amy explains that they've been having secret conversations and acting tense and angry with each other. "'Oh, Amy,' Elizabeth said sympathetically. 'That sounds awful for you.'" Okay, if that isn't a shoulder pat moment, I don't know what is.
Steven gives his speech, which basically ends, "Ben is new here, so we probably can't trust him with our money." And thus he capitalizes on the high rates of embezzlement by high school class treasurers. Does Steven really think Ben is going to grab the bake sale earnings and catch the next flight to Vegas?
Afterwards, he tells Cathy he thought Ben's speech was boring. Cathy disagrees, causing the StevenPunch meter to start rising again, but then runs off to talk to Howie Farber. (Is it me, or does the last name "Farber" pop up several times in the Sweet Valley books, and always in a negative way? An ex-boyfriend of Francine's, perhaps?) Steven comforts himself with thoughts that soon "Cathy will be psyched to be the girlfriend of the freshman class treasurer." Yes, I'm sure that's been Cathy's most cherished fantasy ever since she was a little girl.
At basketball practice that afternoon, the Unicorns watch Doug play--except Jessica, who already has her eye on Ben. Afterwards, Doug asks Janet out and Ben comes up to talk to Jessica, asking if she's a freshman. She says yes, but Lila immediately cuts in to tell him that they're still in middle school. Nice cock-block, Lila. Jessica is in love. Fortunately for Ben, this is pre-SVH, so he will most likely survive the book.
That night, Jessica and Steven watch basketball on television while Elizabeth teases Jess about her new crush. Before they can reveal who it is (and ruin the looming wackiness), the phone rings. It's for Jessica, and it's Ben! He mostly talks about the election for class treasurer, commenting that the competition is tough. Then he asks her out. At this point, I assumed Ben was trying to use Jessica to sabotage Steven's campaign--he knows she's his sister, but still brings up the election right before asking for a date? Sounds kind of suspicious. He says he'll come by her house after school the next day to take her to Casey's, explaining that he asked one of the guys on the team where she lived. Which is just a bit creepy. Jessica doesn't mind, though, because OMG a high school guy asked her out!!!1!!
Steven dreams that he wins the election, and his dream involves thrown roses, life-size posters, a sobbing Ben, and Cathy telling Steven he's the "best-basketball-playing freshman-class treasurer in the state of California!" Does that mean there are better basketball-playing freshman-class treasurers in other states?
Elizabeth overhears Ken and Todd talking about something that will cause Mrs. Arnette to "have a total conniption fit." She tries to get them to tell her what's going on, because she needs a juicy story for the Sixers. She even crosses her fingers when she promises not to print whatever they're planning. Liz doesn't even have delusions of journalistic integrity. All they'll tell her is that they're planning a four-legged treat for Mrs. Arnette's class--one that doesn't bark or squeak. She doesn't ask if it meows, roars, or moos. Apparently Bruce is involved with whatever is going down, so we already know it doesn't chirp, caw, or quack.
The next day, the winners of the class election are announced...and the votes are tied for treasurer! Actually, Mr. Cooper says "the votes...are too close to call," but I assume he means a tie. It's not a footrace. Even if the numbers are close but not equal, the person with the higher number still wins, right? Unless Chrome Dome couldn't be bothered to count them and just eyeballed it: "Well, the piles look to be about the same size, so..." The result is another vote that afternoon. Cathy tells Steven he should be ready for the possibility he might lose, and Steven's urge to punch rises again.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth is gushing about her story-in-the-making to Amy, who goes, "That's nice and all, but remember? Family falling apart?" Elizabeth immediately reverts to Saint Liz mode as Amy tells her she caught her mother crying. Elizabeth thinks about how she's only ever seen her mother cry during sad movies. Well, of course. Any time anything goes wrong, Alice turns into a deranged clean freak. Amy and Liz decide to snoop around while Mr. and Mrs. Sutton are out of the house to find out what's going on.
At Sweet Valley High, the moment of truth has arrived. Ben Oliver wins the election and Steven's Punch-o-Meter goes off the scale. Still, he keeps his fists in check and instead blows Ben off when he tries to talk to him. He does at least think, "If Cathy weren't here, I'd stick around and punch his lights out." Come on, Steven. What Would Todd Do?
At Booster practice, Jessica talks about her upcoming date with Ben. Tamara says Aaron is miserable because Jessica is going out with someone else, but Jess coolly says he'll get over it and goes back to congratulating herself for bagging a high schooler. Ahh, young sociopathic love.
Speaking of miserable, Steven walks home that afternoon, still thinking about how much he wants to punch Ben, when he sees Ben in front of his house, talking to Jessica! Well, Champ, here's your big chance. I'm disappointed once again, however, because instead Steven turns red and screams at Ben. He tells Jessica, "No sister of mine is leaving the house with Ben Oliver in my lifetime!" Steven knows absolutely nothing about tween girls if he thinks forbidding them from dating someone will work. And of course it doesn't, as Jessica pushes past him and leaves with Ben.
At Casey's, Jessica is tuning Ben out while he tells her about his science project. She's more interested in the Unicorns, sitting at a nearby table, and Aaron, who's making his friends laugh. Jessica rationalizes that Aaron's great sense of humor pales next to the magnificence of OMG high school guy! One would think they were setting Jessica up to learn a Valuable Lesson about superficiality, but we've all read SVH. No dice.
At breakfast the next morning, Jessica rubs her date with Ben in Steven's face. Steven turns red again, blows up, and stomps out of the kitchen. Dammit, Steven, you'd better punch somebody soon. I mean, all that rage has to be channeled somewhere, or you're going to have a stroke or something. Elizabeth stays out of the argument, thinking, "This is one mess I want to stay out of." That's a load of crap, Liz. There hasn't been a problem yet that you didn't immediately jump into with both feet.
In class, Jessica is caught unprepared and ends up outshone by Veronica. Furious, Jessica thinks, "I would have thought she'd learned not to mess with Jessica Wakefield by now!" Ominous. Guys, I'm pretty sure Veronica never gets mentioned in SVH or even SVJH. I'll bet anything Veronica ends up at the bottom of Secca Lake before the end of the SVT series.
Steven sees Cathy and Joe talking to Ben Oliver after school. STEVEN SMASH PUNY FRESHMAN CLASS TREASURER! He gets pissy at Cathy, pretty much saying, "Ben is the devil! He drowns puppies and wears white after Labor Day! You can't hang out with him!" Cathy is like, "Ooookay, we're upping your dosage," and tries to talk him down. Doesn't work. Steven has a pool push with Ben's name written all over it.
Elizabeth and Amy sneak onto the Patman's property to spy on Bruce and find out what kind of prank they're going to play on Mrs. Arnette. They find a pig in a dog house, and Liz practically has an orgasm over uncovering a mystery and finding a story for the Sixers at the same time. Except that I'm pretty sure it doesn't count as news until after it happens. Of course, that won't stop Liz from pissing in the boys' sandbox!
While Jessica and Janet talk about double dating with their new high school boy-toys, Veronica grabs the last piece of chocolate cake before Jessica can. If I were Jessica, I'd be stabbing a bitch right now. Fortunately, she gives it back with a passive-aggressive comment about watching her weight. Jessica trumps her with OMG high school guy!, though, and Veronica walks away in defeat.
Elizabeth helps Jessica pick out an outfit for her double date. (They're going bowling, in case you were wondering. Careful, Jess. That could lead to trouble.) Elizabeth lasts a record six paragraphs before she breaks her vow not to butt in, and asks Jessica if she's only seeing Ben to bug Steven. Jessica denies it and basically tells Liz to shut up. Liz shuts up. For now.
Steven is on his way out for a date with Cathy when he sees Ben in the living room, "polluting the furniture with his weasel germs." Oh, my God. Weasel germs? Steven is five years old. He protests to Alice and Ned that Jessica shouldn't be dating a high school student (and he's kind of got a point), but Ned says that Ben's dad will drop them off at the bowling alley and Ned will pick them up. Okay, so they're supervised on the way to and from the date, but what about during? While they're at the bowling alley they might have kinky sex or do heroin or join a bowling league! Steven pushes his argument that the Wakefields don't even know Ben (which they don't) and his parents make him apologize to Ben and then send him to his room. He does, silently swearing to get revenge. No, punch them, Steven! Punch everyone in the room!
At the bowling alley, Jessica and Janet gush and swoon over what fantastic bowlers Ben and Doug are, but the boys are more interested in competing with each other. Jessica doesn't mind being ignored (and I can't believe I just typed that--the Jessica Wakefield I know always minds being ignored), because OMG high school guy!
Ben hovers over Jessica and offers unwelcome advice when it's her turn to bowl, which pisses her off and tempts her to throw the ball at him. She rolls a gutter ball and says she'll have better luck next time, but Ben soberly informs her that bowling has nothing to do with luck. She rolls another gutter, and jokes that she should roll the next one with her eyes closed. Ben doesn't get it, which makes me think he's already been hit in the head with at least one bowling ball already. Janet and Jessica complain to each other about how lame their dates are, but when Janet suggests they dump them, Jessica vetoes that because (say it with me) OMG high school guy!
That night, Amy and Elizabeth snoop around the Suttons' house. Liz says she feels "a little funny" poking around in someone else's personal lives. Funny "down there," Liz? We all know how you feel about prying into other people's business. They find an unmailed letter to someone named Jane Quigley, but decide not to read it. Because...pawing through someone's private stuff is only okay as long as you don't actually learn anything from it? Amy leaves to make them a snack, and Liz accidentally (or so she claims) finds pictures of Mr. Sutton with his arm around a woman who isn't Mrs. Sutton, inscribed "Love, Jane" on the back. Elizabeth decides not to tell Amy what she found. Liz, either you want to meddle or you don't. Stop pussyfooting around!
The next morning, Jessica taunts Steven about Ben as well as about missing his own date with Cathy. Their parents are there, but all Alice does while Jessica works Steven into a rage is say "Jessica" twice. Eventually they ask Elizabeth what's going on between Jessica and Steven. Maybe they should have wondered about that a few days ago, when their kids first started screaming at each other. Still waiting for the Xanax to kick in, perhaps?
Ned finally tells Steven that Jessica can be friends with whoever she wants, but Jessica has to stop rubbing Steven's face in it. At first I thought I was witness to a second incident of Wakefield parenting, but then he finishes with, "Now, can we please stop this conversation and eat these wonderful waffles your mother made before they get cold?" So maybe it's not so much about family harmony and more about his empty tummy.
While Jessica has a Unicorn meeting at her house, Steven sits in his room, trying to come up with a revenge scheme. He overhears the girls talking about Veronica, and remembers that she's Jessica's worst enemy. Steven begins to form a crafty plan, but I think we all know what it's going to be. And it doesn't involve punching.
Later, Elizabeth confides in Jessica about Amy's personal life, which is kind of like asking a cat to baby-sit your pet gerbil. Jessica is certain that the letter and photographs definitely mean that Mr. Sutton is having an affair, because she's "watched enough soap operas to know about these kinds of things." Elizabeth, supposedly the smart one, accepts this as proof. Maybe she's been hit in the head with a bowling ball, too.
Monday afternoon at school, Ellen, Lila, and Janet tell Jessica that Steven is there and just asked Veronica out. So do he and Cathy have an open relationship or is he just hoping she doesn't find out? Maybe this is where Elizabeth learned all of her Cheaty McCheaterson tricks. Jessica is actually smart enough to immediately realize that he only did it to get back at her, but she's still filled with rage when she sees Veronica. So much rage in this book, yet so little punching. Todd must be watching these people and shaking his head with pity.
Amy and Elizabeth finish proofreading the Sixers issue, and Elizabeth is trying to avoid the subject of Amy's parents. Oddly enough, Amy practically has to beg Liz to discuss her family problems. Either Elizabeth has had her fill of other people's personal lives or she's been taken over by the pod people. Hmm...definitely pod people. She finally tells Amy about the photos she found, and Amy goes berserk. "You just want me to think there's a problem with my parents. You think your family is so perfect! You just don't want me to have a perfect family, too!" Amy, sweetie, Liz lives with a sociopathic sister, a rageaholic brother, and parents who are neglectful when they aren't actually absent. This is not the gold standard of family perfection.
The next day, Steven overhears some kids saying that Cathy voted against him in the election. Steven thinks, "How could she betray me like that?" Yeah, well, at least she's not going behind your back with a sixth grader.
Meanwhile, the new issue of the Sixers is out, with the pig prank story. Bruce confronts Elizabeth, and when she and Jessica start to hurry away he says, "You'd better stop now, Elizabeth, or I'll follow you around all day!" Hey, does that make him her very first stalker? He beat out Psycho Margo, Crazy William, Carl the pancake-making orderly, and so many more. Way to beat the rush, Bruce!
Steven confronts Cathy at lunch, and while she admits she voted for Ben, she insists she has a good explanation. Steven doesn't want to hear it, though, and he storms away after knocking his chair to the ground. Well, punching a chair is better than no punching at all, I suppose. Maybe he's working his way up to humans.
Amy found the pictures and realizes what Elizabeth said was true. They apologize to each other and are friends again. I know you were worried.
At the basketball game, the Unicorns see Veronica wearing one of Steven's jerseys. I hope for her sake he washed it first. Afterwards (Sweet Valley wins, as if there was any doubt), Steven invites Veronica to a post-game celebration and the other Unicorns fawn over her. "That girl is lucky I'm not a violent person," Jessica thinks. That's true, Jess. You much prefer to destroy your enemies from within.
I'm cutting several scenes of Jessica fuming over Veronica cozying up to the other Unicorns and rubbing Steven in her face. (Not literally; that's in SVH. Yeah, I went there.) All you need to know is there is no punching. Dammit.
Monday morning, Cathy tries to talk to Steven but he brushes her off. Then, Howie Farber walks by and says, "Hey, Cathy, thanks for last night." Now, I'm sure that the ghostwriter didn't intend it to sound like that, but it sure as hell does. Cathy says she was just tutoring him, and asks if Steven will meet her at Casey's to talk. Steven tells her no, because he has a date with Veronica--"who's considered by many people to be one of the best-looking girls in all of Sweet Valley." Steven doesn't mention what he, personally, thinks of Veronica's looks. I suppose he's going to bow to the general consensus.
Later, Steven overhears Ben telling Doug that Howie Farber (who was the last treasurer) screwed everything up and now the Disneyland fund is short $280. Sure, Ben, blame the missing money on Howie. It looks like Steven's fears of embezzlement were justified! Or not. According to Howie, Cathy cast the deciding vote for Ben to "protect Steven from being stuck with the big debt." Because the last thing any class treasurer wants to do is deal with money issues, right? Steven feels like an ass and brings Cathy some flowers when he goes to apologize. She shuts the door in his face. Jeez, all he did was turn into a paranoid freak, bitch you out constantly, and start dating someone else. Is that any reason to hold a grudge?
Steven is at Casey's with Veronica, bored out of his mind. Cathy, Howie, Janet, Doug, and pretty much everyone who's appeared in this book up until now is at Casey's, too. That ice cream shop sure is an important plot contrivance local hangout. Everyone's pretending to have fun on their dates, laughing and calling out things only slightly more clever than, "I am having a good time!"
Suddenly, Steven is hit on the cheek by a cherry. He realizes Jessica threw it, and throws one back at her. Soon, it's a full-on ice cream fight involving almost all of the kids (except Liz, of course). Eh, it's not punching, but I guess I'll take it. Then, Mr. Casey yells at all of them and throws them out. I agree--what's with the gratuitous ice cream abuse in some of these books? Everyone makes up, Jessica and Janet go back to Aaron and Denny, and Ben and Veronica leave together. Because apparently it's important that the random peripheral characters find love?
The next day, Cathy, Steven, and the twins are back at Casey's. Ben and Veronica come in and Ben tells Steven he's quitting the team so he can focus on the Disneyland Budget Crisis, and now Steven can have his old position back. Then Mr. Casey comes over to their table and yells at them, saying, "I told you I never wanted to see your faces again." So, it's a lifetime ban? But don't they go to Casey's all the time in later books (Unicorns, SVH, etc.)? Does Mr. Casey die in the next book or something? Why do I care?
Elizabeth has dinner with the Suttons that night, where Amy's parents are being awkward and quiet. Why invite a guest over if you're just going to be rude to them all night? The phone rings, and Amy answers it. She comes back to tell her dad that it's for him--someone named Jane. I think that might have been more effective if the "other woman" had had a less common name, like Esmerelda or Bathsheba or something. Anyway, after the call Mr. and Mrs. Sutton say they need to talk to Amy alone and would Elizabeth mind leaving early? Elizabeth says, "Hell yes, I mind! There's meddling to be had!" "Not at all," and the book ends with the cliffhanger of what Amy's parents' terrible secret is. It's this.
Okay, so I might have gone overboard with the punching jokes. But when a book has that much rage in it, is it too much to ask for someone to get it in the eye?
So the book boils down to this: everyone's mad at someone, but no one punches anyone. I wish this book were called "Todd's Enemy."
I cannot get over the cover of this one. First, we have Jessica tilting her hips and making that saucy little "fluttering fingers" wave. She's a twelve-year-old tart. Steven, on the other hand, is rocking the rolled-up sleeves like he just stepped out of The Outsiders. And then there's Ben in the middle, who not only looks like he's posing awkwardly for a picture but is standing with his back to us. I suppose the artist couldn't be bothered to come up with a face for the poor guy?
The book starts out with the Unicorns eating lunch at the Unicorner. (God, I hate typing that word. It's better than the Angeliner, but still...) They're gossiping about Veronica Brooks, the girl who framed Jessica for theft but was thwarted by the all-powerful twin switch plot. Oh, and the twins look alike but are different because Elizabeth is boring and Jessica...thinks Elizabeth is boring. That's pretty much how the book summarizes their personalities.
When Jessica asks for a bite of Janet's hamburger, the girls notice that Janet is staring off into space. They tease her about her boyfriend, Denny Jacobson, but she says they've broken up. She explains that he was too interested in his new computer game, even playing it while she was talking to him on the phone. And she let him live? This can't be the girl who normally rules the Unicorns with an iron fist, can it? Anyway, she wants a boy who's too mature for video games. Sorry, Janet, but they don't outgrow their games. My husband is twenty-seven and he'd probably marry his Wii if I hadn't met him first.
Janet reveals that she's now interested in Doug, a boy from Sweet Valley High who plays basketball. The other Unicorns decide to attend the next SVH basketball practice with her to decide if they'll give her their approval. Janet shrieks, "I don't need your validation, bitches! Now bow down and lick my boots before I start kicking some Unicorn ass!" Okay, she doesn't, but she should have.
Meanwhile, Steven is having a bad day. His basketball coach has given his position to Ben Oliver, changing Steven from starting center to guard. I have no idea what this means, having no sports knowledge myself, but to Steven he may as well be demoting him to towel boy. Steven already hates Ben because he skipped seventh grade, always knows the answer when a teacher calls on him, and (gasp!) is nice to Steven. Both boys are also running against each other for class treasurer. Steven intends to utterly destroy Ben in the election. I think Steven and Janet got their personalities mixed up in this book.
At home, Steven yells at Jessica and her friends to be quiet while he's working on "the greatest speech of his political career." Doesn't he go into prelaw in college? Well, I suppose that would be the greatest--and only--speech of his political career, then.
At dinner, he insists that Jessica's friends be banned from the house, setting off an argument. In a rare moment of Wakefield parenting, Ned says that Jessica's friends can still come over, but have to keep the noise down. Wow. Normally Ned and Alice cover their ears and run for the Xanax whenever their kids fight.
Steven puts up a poster at school that reads, "Be a winner with Wakefield...or a loser with Oliver!" That's terrible. I don't mean it's mean, I mean the slogan just plain sucks. What happened to the alliteration? Why not "a blockhead with Ben" or "an opium fiend with Oliver"? Okay, I'll shut up about the stupid slogan now.
Steven's girlfriend Cathy objects to the poster, but Steven insists Ben deserves it because "he's an ugly, wimpy, conniving punk." Cathy's reply is, "Oh, come on, Steven. He's not ugly at all." So I guess she thinks he's a cute, wimpy, conniving punk. Steven goes into a jealous rage and for just a second I think we're going to see a StevenPunch. We don't, I'm afraid. Maybe next time.
That day at lunch, Elizabeth mooches Amy's sloppy joe. First Jessica eats part of Janet's burger, now Liz is taking food from Amy. Do Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield feed their children? Amy lets her have the sloppy joe because she's not hungry--she's worried because her parents have been acting strangely. Elizabeth immediately puts on her butting-in hat and Amy explains that they've been having secret conversations and acting tense and angry with each other. "'Oh, Amy,' Elizabeth said sympathetically. 'That sounds awful for you.'" Okay, if that isn't a shoulder pat moment, I don't know what is.
Steven gives his speech, which basically ends, "Ben is new here, so we probably can't trust him with our money." And thus he capitalizes on the high rates of embezzlement by high school class treasurers. Does Steven really think Ben is going to grab the bake sale earnings and catch the next flight to Vegas?
Afterwards, he tells Cathy he thought Ben's speech was boring. Cathy disagrees, causing the StevenPunch meter to start rising again, but then runs off to talk to Howie Farber. (Is it me, or does the last name "Farber" pop up several times in the Sweet Valley books, and always in a negative way? An ex-boyfriend of Francine's, perhaps?) Steven comforts himself with thoughts that soon "Cathy will be psyched to be the girlfriend of the freshman class treasurer." Yes, I'm sure that's been Cathy's most cherished fantasy ever since she was a little girl.
At basketball practice that afternoon, the Unicorns watch Doug play--except Jessica, who already has her eye on Ben. Afterwards, Doug asks Janet out and Ben comes up to talk to Jessica, asking if she's a freshman. She says yes, but Lila immediately cuts in to tell him that they're still in middle school. Nice cock-block, Lila. Jessica is in love. Fortunately for Ben, this is pre-SVH, so he will most likely survive the book.
That night, Jessica and Steven watch basketball on television while Elizabeth teases Jess about her new crush. Before they can reveal who it is (and ruin the looming wackiness), the phone rings. It's for Jessica, and it's Ben! He mostly talks about the election for class treasurer, commenting that the competition is tough. Then he asks her out. At this point, I assumed Ben was trying to use Jessica to sabotage Steven's campaign--he knows she's his sister, but still brings up the election right before asking for a date? Sounds kind of suspicious. He says he'll come by her house after school the next day to take her to Casey's, explaining that he asked one of the guys on the team where she lived. Which is just a bit creepy. Jessica doesn't mind, though, because OMG a high school guy asked her out!!!1!!
Steven dreams that he wins the election, and his dream involves thrown roses, life-size posters, a sobbing Ben, and Cathy telling Steven he's the "best-basketball-playing freshman-class treasurer in the state of California!" Does that mean there are better basketball-playing freshman-class treasurers in other states?
Elizabeth overhears Ken and Todd talking about something that will cause Mrs. Arnette to "have a total conniption fit." She tries to get them to tell her what's going on, because she needs a juicy story for the Sixers. She even crosses her fingers when she promises not to print whatever they're planning. Liz doesn't even have delusions of journalistic integrity. All they'll tell her is that they're planning a four-legged treat for Mrs. Arnette's class--one that doesn't bark or squeak. She doesn't ask if it meows, roars, or moos. Apparently Bruce is involved with whatever is going down, so we already know it doesn't chirp, caw, or quack.
The next day, the winners of the class election are announced...and the votes are tied for treasurer! Actually, Mr. Cooper says "the votes...are too close to call," but I assume he means a tie. It's not a footrace. Even if the numbers are close but not equal, the person with the higher number still wins, right? Unless Chrome Dome couldn't be bothered to count them and just eyeballed it: "Well, the piles look to be about the same size, so..." The result is another vote that afternoon. Cathy tells Steven he should be ready for the possibility he might lose, and Steven's urge to punch rises again.
Meanwhile, Elizabeth is gushing about her story-in-the-making to Amy, who goes, "That's nice and all, but remember? Family falling apart?" Elizabeth immediately reverts to Saint Liz mode as Amy tells her she caught her mother crying. Elizabeth thinks about how she's only ever seen her mother cry during sad movies. Well, of course. Any time anything goes wrong, Alice turns into a deranged clean freak. Amy and Liz decide to snoop around while Mr. and Mrs. Sutton are out of the house to find out what's going on.
At Sweet Valley High, the moment of truth has arrived. Ben Oliver wins the election and Steven's Punch-o-Meter goes off the scale. Still, he keeps his fists in check and instead blows Ben off when he tries to talk to him. He does at least think, "If Cathy weren't here, I'd stick around and punch his lights out." Come on, Steven. What Would Todd Do?
At Booster practice, Jessica talks about her upcoming date with Ben. Tamara says Aaron is miserable because Jessica is going out with someone else, but Jess coolly says he'll get over it and goes back to congratulating herself for bagging a high schooler. Ahh, young sociopathic love.
Speaking of miserable, Steven walks home that afternoon, still thinking about how much he wants to punch Ben, when he sees Ben in front of his house, talking to Jessica! Well, Champ, here's your big chance. I'm disappointed once again, however, because instead Steven turns red and screams at Ben. He tells Jessica, "No sister of mine is leaving the house with Ben Oliver in my lifetime!" Steven knows absolutely nothing about tween girls if he thinks forbidding them from dating someone will work. And of course it doesn't, as Jessica pushes past him and leaves with Ben.
At Casey's, Jessica is tuning Ben out while he tells her about his science project. She's more interested in the Unicorns, sitting at a nearby table, and Aaron, who's making his friends laugh. Jessica rationalizes that Aaron's great sense of humor pales next to the magnificence of OMG high school guy! One would think they were setting Jessica up to learn a Valuable Lesson about superficiality, but we've all read SVH. No dice.
At breakfast the next morning, Jessica rubs her date with Ben in Steven's face. Steven turns red again, blows up, and stomps out of the kitchen. Dammit, Steven, you'd better punch somebody soon. I mean, all that rage has to be channeled somewhere, or you're going to have a stroke or something. Elizabeth stays out of the argument, thinking, "This is one mess I want to stay out of." That's a load of crap, Liz. There hasn't been a problem yet that you didn't immediately jump into with both feet.
In class, Jessica is caught unprepared and ends up outshone by Veronica. Furious, Jessica thinks, "I would have thought she'd learned not to mess with Jessica Wakefield by now!" Ominous. Guys, I'm pretty sure Veronica never gets mentioned in SVH or even SVJH. I'll bet anything Veronica ends up at the bottom of Secca Lake before the end of the SVT series.
Steven sees Cathy and Joe talking to Ben Oliver after school. STEVEN SMASH PUNY FRESHMAN CLASS TREASURER! He gets pissy at Cathy, pretty much saying, "Ben is the devil! He drowns puppies and wears white after Labor Day! You can't hang out with him!" Cathy is like, "Ooookay, we're upping your dosage," and tries to talk him down. Doesn't work. Steven has a pool push with Ben's name written all over it.
Elizabeth and Amy sneak onto the Patman's property to spy on Bruce and find out what kind of prank they're going to play on Mrs. Arnette. They find a pig in a dog house, and Liz practically has an orgasm over uncovering a mystery and finding a story for the Sixers at the same time. Except that I'm pretty sure it doesn't count as news until after it happens. Of course, that won't stop Liz from pissing in the boys' sandbox!
While Jessica and Janet talk about double dating with their new high school boy-toys, Veronica grabs the last piece of chocolate cake before Jessica can. If I were Jessica, I'd be stabbing a bitch right now. Fortunately, she gives it back with a passive-aggressive comment about watching her weight. Jessica trumps her with OMG high school guy!, though, and Veronica walks away in defeat.
Elizabeth helps Jessica pick out an outfit for her double date. (They're going bowling, in case you were wondering. Careful, Jess. That could lead to trouble.) Elizabeth lasts a record six paragraphs before she breaks her vow not to butt in, and asks Jessica if she's only seeing Ben to bug Steven. Jessica denies it and basically tells Liz to shut up. Liz shuts up. For now.
Steven is on his way out for a date with Cathy when he sees Ben in the living room, "polluting the furniture with his weasel germs." Oh, my God. Weasel germs? Steven is five years old. He protests to Alice and Ned that Jessica shouldn't be dating a high school student (and he's kind of got a point), but Ned says that Ben's dad will drop them off at the bowling alley and Ned will pick them up. Okay, so they're supervised on the way to and from the date, but what about during? While they're at the bowling alley they might have kinky sex or do heroin or join a bowling league! Steven pushes his argument that the Wakefields don't even know Ben (which they don't) and his parents make him apologize to Ben and then send him to his room. He does, silently swearing to get revenge. No, punch them, Steven! Punch everyone in the room!
At the bowling alley, Jessica and Janet gush and swoon over what fantastic bowlers Ben and Doug are, but the boys are more interested in competing with each other. Jessica doesn't mind being ignored (and I can't believe I just typed that--the Jessica Wakefield I know always minds being ignored), because OMG high school guy!
Ben hovers over Jessica and offers unwelcome advice when it's her turn to bowl, which pisses her off and tempts her to throw the ball at him. She rolls a gutter ball and says she'll have better luck next time, but Ben soberly informs her that bowling has nothing to do with luck. She rolls another gutter, and jokes that she should roll the next one with her eyes closed. Ben doesn't get it, which makes me think he's already been hit in the head with at least one bowling ball already. Janet and Jessica complain to each other about how lame their dates are, but when Janet suggests they dump them, Jessica vetoes that because (say it with me) OMG high school guy!
That night, Amy and Elizabeth snoop around the Suttons' house. Liz says she feels "a little funny" poking around in someone else's personal lives. Funny "down there," Liz? We all know how you feel about prying into other people's business. They find an unmailed letter to someone named Jane Quigley, but decide not to read it. Because...pawing through someone's private stuff is only okay as long as you don't actually learn anything from it? Amy leaves to make them a snack, and Liz accidentally (or so she claims) finds pictures of Mr. Sutton with his arm around a woman who isn't Mrs. Sutton, inscribed "Love, Jane" on the back. Elizabeth decides not to tell Amy what she found. Liz, either you want to meddle or you don't. Stop pussyfooting around!
The next morning, Jessica taunts Steven about Ben as well as about missing his own date with Cathy. Their parents are there, but all Alice does while Jessica works Steven into a rage is say "Jessica" twice. Eventually they ask Elizabeth what's going on between Jessica and Steven. Maybe they should have wondered about that a few days ago, when their kids first started screaming at each other. Still waiting for the Xanax to kick in, perhaps?
Ned finally tells Steven that Jessica can be friends with whoever she wants, but Jessica has to stop rubbing Steven's face in it. At first I thought I was witness to a second incident of Wakefield parenting, but then he finishes with, "Now, can we please stop this conversation and eat these wonderful waffles your mother made before they get cold?" So maybe it's not so much about family harmony and more about his empty tummy.
While Jessica has a Unicorn meeting at her house, Steven sits in his room, trying to come up with a revenge scheme. He overhears the girls talking about Veronica, and remembers that she's Jessica's worst enemy. Steven begins to form a crafty plan, but I think we all know what it's going to be. And it doesn't involve punching.
Later, Elizabeth confides in Jessica about Amy's personal life, which is kind of like asking a cat to baby-sit your pet gerbil. Jessica is certain that the letter and photographs definitely mean that Mr. Sutton is having an affair, because she's "watched enough soap operas to know about these kinds of things." Elizabeth, supposedly the smart one, accepts this as proof. Maybe she's been hit in the head with a bowling ball, too.
Monday afternoon at school, Ellen, Lila, and Janet tell Jessica that Steven is there and just asked Veronica out. So do he and Cathy have an open relationship or is he just hoping she doesn't find out? Maybe this is where Elizabeth learned all of her Cheaty McCheaterson tricks. Jessica is actually smart enough to immediately realize that he only did it to get back at her, but she's still filled with rage when she sees Veronica. So much rage in this book, yet so little punching. Todd must be watching these people and shaking his head with pity.
Amy and Elizabeth finish proofreading the Sixers issue, and Elizabeth is trying to avoid the subject of Amy's parents. Oddly enough, Amy practically has to beg Liz to discuss her family problems. Either Elizabeth has had her fill of other people's personal lives or she's been taken over by the pod people. Hmm...definitely pod people. She finally tells Amy about the photos she found, and Amy goes berserk. "You just want me to think there's a problem with my parents. You think your family is so perfect! You just don't want me to have a perfect family, too!" Amy, sweetie, Liz lives with a sociopathic sister, a rageaholic brother, and parents who are neglectful when they aren't actually absent. This is not the gold standard of family perfection.
The next day, Steven overhears some kids saying that Cathy voted against him in the election. Steven thinks, "How could she betray me like that?" Yeah, well, at least she's not going behind your back with a sixth grader.
Meanwhile, the new issue of the Sixers is out, with the pig prank story. Bruce confronts Elizabeth, and when she and Jessica start to hurry away he says, "You'd better stop now, Elizabeth, or I'll follow you around all day!" Hey, does that make him her very first stalker? He beat out Psycho Margo, Crazy William, Carl the pancake-making orderly, and so many more. Way to beat the rush, Bruce!
Steven confronts Cathy at lunch, and while she admits she voted for Ben, she insists she has a good explanation. Steven doesn't want to hear it, though, and he storms away after knocking his chair to the ground. Well, punching a chair is better than no punching at all, I suppose. Maybe he's working his way up to humans.
Amy found the pictures and realizes what Elizabeth said was true. They apologize to each other and are friends again. I know you were worried.
At the basketball game, the Unicorns see Veronica wearing one of Steven's jerseys. I hope for her sake he washed it first. Afterwards (Sweet Valley wins, as if there was any doubt), Steven invites Veronica to a post-game celebration and the other Unicorns fawn over her. "That girl is lucky I'm not a violent person," Jessica thinks. That's true, Jess. You much prefer to destroy your enemies from within.
I'm cutting several scenes of Jessica fuming over Veronica cozying up to the other Unicorns and rubbing Steven in her face. (Not literally; that's in SVH. Yeah, I went there.) All you need to know is there is no punching. Dammit.
Monday morning, Cathy tries to talk to Steven but he brushes her off. Then, Howie Farber walks by and says, "Hey, Cathy, thanks for last night." Now, I'm sure that the ghostwriter didn't intend it to sound like that, but it sure as hell does. Cathy says she was just tutoring him, and asks if Steven will meet her at Casey's to talk. Steven tells her no, because he has a date with Veronica--"who's considered by many people to be one of the best-looking girls in all of Sweet Valley." Steven doesn't mention what he, personally, thinks of Veronica's looks. I suppose he's going to bow to the general consensus.
Later, Steven overhears Ben telling Doug that Howie Farber (who was the last treasurer) screwed everything up and now the Disneyland fund is short $280. Sure, Ben, blame the missing money on Howie. It looks like Steven's fears of embezzlement were justified! Or not. According to Howie, Cathy cast the deciding vote for Ben to "protect Steven from being stuck with the big debt." Because the last thing any class treasurer wants to do is deal with money issues, right? Steven feels like an ass and brings Cathy some flowers when he goes to apologize. She shuts the door in his face. Jeez, all he did was turn into a paranoid freak, bitch you out constantly, and start dating someone else. Is that any reason to hold a grudge?
Steven is at Casey's with Veronica, bored out of his mind. Cathy, Howie, Janet, Doug, and pretty much everyone who's appeared in this book up until now is at Casey's, too. That ice cream shop sure is an important plot contrivance local hangout. Everyone's pretending to have fun on their dates, laughing and calling out things only slightly more clever than, "I am having a good time!"
Suddenly, Steven is hit on the cheek by a cherry. He realizes Jessica threw it, and throws one back at her. Soon, it's a full-on ice cream fight involving almost all of the kids (except Liz, of course). Eh, it's not punching, but I guess I'll take it. Then, Mr. Casey yells at all of them and throws them out. I agree--what's with the gratuitous ice cream abuse in some of these books? Everyone makes up, Jessica and Janet go back to Aaron and Denny, and Ben and Veronica leave together. Because apparently it's important that the random peripheral characters find love?
The next day, Cathy, Steven, and the twins are back at Casey's. Ben and Veronica come in and Ben tells Steven he's quitting the team so he can focus on the Disneyland Budget Crisis, and now Steven can have his old position back. Then Mr. Casey comes over to their table and yells at them, saying, "I told you I never wanted to see your faces again." So, it's a lifetime ban? But don't they go to Casey's all the time in later books (Unicorns, SVH, etc.)? Does Mr. Casey die in the next book or something? Why do I care?
Elizabeth has dinner with the Suttons that night, where Amy's parents are being awkward and quiet. Why invite a guest over if you're just going to be rude to them all night? The phone rings, and Amy answers it. She comes back to tell her dad that it's for him--someone named Jane. I think that might have been more effective if the "other woman" had had a less common name, like Esmerelda or Bathsheba or something. Anyway, after the call Mr. and Mrs. Sutton say they need to talk to Amy alone and would Elizabeth mind leaving early? Elizabeth says, "Hell yes, I mind! There's meddling to be had!" "Not at all," and the book ends with the cliffhanger of what Amy's parents' terrible secret is. It's this.
Okay, so I might have gone overboard with the punching jokes. But when a book has that much rage in it, is it too much to ask for someone to get it in the eye?