Two of These Things Belong Together, Two of These Things Are Kinda the Same (#24 Memories)
This book is brought to you by the letter D. D is for Death. D is for Divorce. And according to Steven Wakefield, they’re kind of the same. And he fancies himself a future lawyer…
We open with Alice and Ned in a state of befuddlement. (Well, technically they’re in a perpetual state of befuddlement, but I digress…) Steven’s girlfriend Tricia Martin (with the halo of strawberry blond hair, shining blue eyes, and leukemia) passed away several months ago. Steven’s parents cannot even begin to comprehend why he still isn’t over Tricia’s death. IT’S ONLY BEEN A MATTER OF MONTHS, YOU JACKASSES! I guess I shouldn’t be surprised - the Wakefield parents have become quite jaded by the many deaths of their children’s significant others.
We then get a brief recap of the previous book. Blah, blah, Steven went to a high school party, because he doesn’t have any friends his own age. He stupidly brought Formerly Coked Up Betsy Martin, the older sister of Poor Dead Tricia (thank you for that phrase, Strangerface!). Tricia is not heroically dead, because she was not heroically deaf, nor was she from a rich family. Hence, she is Poor Dead Tricia. Get it? Poor? Oh, I kill me…
Anyway, Betsy bitched out Steven for dancing with Cara, and he ran out of Lila’s party in tears. Lila, I would never run out of your party. NEVER! This does bring up an interesting point, though. Why would Lila ever allow Betsy Martin into her house? I know, it boggles the mind! Steven vows to never betray Poor Dead Tricia’s memory again. Well, until he gets to know Cara, she moves to London, and then he meets Billie at SVU, supposedly in the very same year. I’m getting a migraine…
The next morning at breakfast, Alice Wakefield, the newest member of Mensa, marvels at how identical Jessica and Diz are. Wait until she remembers that they are practically her mini-mes!
Jessica pisses and moans about Betsy Martin and her trashy family. Then the ghostwriter drops this gem on us -
Although Sweet Valley was a picture-perfect California town, it did have a bad area, and the Martin family lived there in a ramshackle house.
Gasp! Poor people blemish the landscape of this Utopia? The citizens of Sweet Valley are veritable angels to breathe the same air as poor people!
The Wakefield parents continue to fret about Steven. Alice couldn’t even get him to come downstairs for breakfast. Doesn’t he know that the Wakefields always eat breakfast together? Where does he think he is, the Martin household? Jessica decides to go upstairs and drag him down. YOU WILL EAT PANCAKES AND WAFFLES, POOR DEAD TRICIA BE DAMNED!
Alice doubtfully says, “I suppose you could give it a try.”
Jessica responds, “Don’t worry, Mom. I’ll get him down. He won’t be able to resist me. No man can.”
I have problems with this exchange on so many levels. First of all, this is yet another example of the weird vibe (i.e. sexual tension) between Steven and Jessica. Second, the Wakefield parents don’t even seem alarmed that Jessica uttered this phrase. I would be scared silly if this phrase came out of my 16-year-old daughter’s mouth. I don’t even have any kids and it still gives me the willies.
Attention-whore Diz mopes aloud, “Sometimes I wish I had Jessica’s attitude toward boys.” Instead of being concerned about two raging ho bag daughters, Alice asks if everything is okay with Todd. AND THE PARENT OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO… Diz silently sulks about her long distance relationship with Todd, feeling lost and lonely. Diz actually compares her situation with Steven’s. So, three of these things belong together, three of these things are kinda the same? D is also for Distance. I’m sure Steven would agree that the tragic death of Poor Dead Tricia is similar to Todd’s move to Vermont.
Ding dong! No, I’m not referring to Diz. It’s the doorbell. And guess who dares to interrupt the Wakefields’ breakfast? Betsy Martin! The Wakefields are saints to allow her into their sacred home. They even offer her breakfast. The perfect Wakefields will not be happy unless they can shove pancakes and waffles down somebody’s throat this morning.
Funny sidenote! As I was typing Wakefields in the last paragraph, I accidentally typed Wackfields. And you know what, this is actually an apt description of this unbearable family. From now on, I shall call them the Wackfields.
Steven leaves with Betsy and Jessica whines that her eggs are cold because of Betsy Martin. Diz makes fun of her, because there is only a forkful of eggs left on her plate. Jessica then accuses Diz of being cruel for not caring if she starves. Diz says that Jessica’s such a wonderful actress and that it’s time that she was in another play.
Ned responds, “You two should team up. Since Liz is our budding writer, she can write the parts, and Jess, you can play them.” How prescient!
Later that morning, Jessica can’t find a bathing suit because her room is a pigsty. Jessica thinks about how Elizabeth had once said that if you put a picture of Jessica’s room next to one of a town devastated by an earthquake, it would be hard to tell which is which. Wow, more prescience from the world of Sweet Valley! Did Francine always know how she was going to end the series? More importantly, is Jessica’s room full of dead bodies that mysteriously come back to life in college? I’m pointing my finger at you, Zombie Olivia!
Then there’s a load of crap scene where Jessica overhears her mother talking on the phone with Winston Egbert’s mother. One of Winston’s relatives is a movie director and he’s coming to visit. Jessica vows to meet him so that she can become famous. This isn’t the most over-used plot in the SV universe, is it?
Meanwhile, Diz is at the mall with Enid and they’re shopping for dresses for an upcoming school dance. No way! Sweet Valley High is actually having a dance? You don’t say! Diz frets about attending her first school dance without Todd. Whatever will she do without Todd around to punch everyone?
After dress shopping, Diz and Enid sit on a bench so that she can mope some more. Suddenly, Diz spots a guy who looks exactly like Todd. DOPPELGANGER ALERT! Does anyone know which book has the very first Sweet Valley doppelganger appearance? Were there any before this book? Am I recapping the very first doppelganger appearance? AM I?
The next day at school, Jessica worms her way into working on a research paper with Winston and plots to make him take her to the dance. Ah, sociopathy!
Meanwhile, Diz spots “Todd” coming out of the coach’s office and runs after him. She realizes that he’s not Todd, but that he bears a strong resemblance. She follows him outside, but doesn’t catch up to him in time to talk to him.
Later that day, Jessica bitches out Cara for not keeping Steven’s mind off Tricia for one night. This family really doesn’t believe in mourning. No wonder Jessica was able to get over her dead boyfriends so quickly!
Jessica continues to complain about Steven, but Cara defends him, saying, “I know how it is when you miss somebody.” Jeebus, Cara! Your father and brother moved to Chicago, not to another spiritual plane.
Todd calls Diz and yammers on about all the new friends he’s made and keeps going on and on about some girl named Gina. After they say their I love yous and hang up, Diz bawls her eyes out, fearing that Todd will forget about her. That would be the healthy thing to do, but we all know that the Toddster is a glutton for punishment.
The next day, Jessica hints to Winston about the upcoming dance. She asks him what he thinks about going to the dance with a terrific aqua-eyed blond. Winston hilariously thinks she’s referring to Diz. In fact, he already asked her, but she turned him down to go alone. Normally, I would applaud a girl going to a dance alone, but we know that Diz isn’t trying to make a statement. She’s simply moping. Winston decides that he’s also going to the dance alone. Jessica plays it off and thanks Winston for thinking of her sister. I’m literally cringing for Jessica. But not too much, after all it’s Jessica!
After school, Diz and Jessica spot Steven’s car in the driveway and worry because he’s missing classes. They walk into the house and overhear Ned lecturing Steven about missing school and grieving for Poor Dead Tricia. Ned tells him a story about his college best friend who died in a car wreck. After the wreck, Ned couldn’t eat or study. Finally, after a matter of weeks, he realized that grieving wasn’t helping his friend. GRIEVING ISN’T INTENDED TO HELP THE DEAD, IT’S A PROCESS MEANT TO HELP HEAL THE SURVIVORS. GRIEVING IS NORMAL AND SHOULD NOT BE STIFLED!
After Ned’s useless and harmful advice, Diz and Jessica fret about Steven. In a complete 180 from her normal attitude, Diz says, “I don’t think we should intrude. He obviously wants to be left alone. He knows we’re here for him, so I’m not going to give him advice unless he asks for it.” What in the what what?
Jessica completely ignores this surprisingly astute advice and decides it’s appropriate to bitch out Steven. Nice going, Jess! Open all his wounds, why don’t you?
That weekend, Diz and Jessica are participating in a charity volleyball game (to be followed by the dance). Both girls are dateless tonight. Jessica too? This is just getting weird… The twins take special pains with their appearance, even though they are going to get sweaty and gross playing volleyball. The game is against Big Mesa, and Todd’s doppelganger is on the team. Even though his name is Michael Sellers, I’m going to call him Big Mesa Todd. BM Todd for short (immature cackles all around).
The SVH team includes the twins, Ken, Lila, Bruce Patman, and John Pfeifer. Diz stinks up the court, because she’s too distracted by BM Todd. Somehow, the SVH team manages to win in the end, because it’s against the laws of the universe for any SVH team to lose! After the game, Diz finally talks to BM Todd. He’s a cocksucker of a human being, but she’s too smitten to notice.
The twins rush home afterwards to get ready for the dance at Caravan nightclub. Isn’t that the nightclub that Enid’s Sweet 16 was at? (I’m feeling slightly pathetic now.) When they get home, they find Artie Western, a senior at SVH, talking with Steven. Apparently, they’ve been really close friends since grade school. Um, really? I don’t recall Steven ever talking to him again after this book. Plot device, cough cough… Artie convinces Steven to come to the dance, and the four head over together.
At the dance, Jessica pushes Cara into talking to Steven. He basically ignores her and goes off into a corner with Betsy Martin. Why are all these older people hanging around a high school dance? For that matter, what high school just allows anyone to wander into a dance? It’s ridiculous!
Artie asks a dejected Cara to dance and then confesses he has a crush on her. Awww, I kind of like Artie in this book. I hate him later when he becomes racist and beats up his bff, who happens to be black. Anyway… Artie asks Cara out and she says yes, even though she doesn’t feel the same way about him.
Meanwhile, Diz dances with BM Todd, who continues to act like a dick. He insults the refreshments and brags about himself non-stop. Diz closes her eyes and tries to pretend she’s in Todd’s arms. Winston interrupts and asks if he can have the next dance with Diz. BM Todd acts like a douchebag and Diz finally gets fed up with him.
BM Todd shrugs it off and dances with Jessica. He continues to brag about himself and she is bored out of her mind. Suddenly, she spots Winston and abandons BM Todd for him. BM Todd is shocked and doesn’t understand why the Wackfield twins are so into Winston. Now that’s kind of funny!
The next morning, Jessica gets all dolled up to work on her research paper with Winston. She’s going to his house and is hoping to be discovered by his movie director cousin.
Steven washes his car, mopinig about Poor Dead Tricia and feeling guilty for the way he’s been treating Cara. He’s also extremely jealous of Artie. Suddenly, Steven can’t take anymore and collapses on the ground sobbing. Diz, who had been watching from the window like a vulture, races outside to comfort him. There’s no shoulder pat of condescension, but there is a small knee pat. Steven wonders aloud if things will ever get better and Diz wonders silently if he will ever get over the pain of losing Poor Dead Tricia. STOP RUSHING HIM, YOU GOD DAMN EFFING WACKFIELDS!
Jessica arrives at Winston’s and finds Mrs. Egbert cleaning the house. Mrs. Egbert explains that her cousin is coming to visit in a few days. Jessica grimaces as she realizes she has to waste a whole day with Winston for nothing. But then she decides that this is what they mean by the high price of fame. Yeah, what a hardship! One of the smartest guys in class is going to help you get an A.
And now it’s date night for Cara and Artie, and Steven tries not to think about it. Unfortunately for him, Diz and Jessica won’t shut up about it. Jessica tells Steven that Cara doesn’t really want to go out with Artie. Diz gets angry and argues that Artie is a nice guy. Jessica agrees with her, but says that Artie is not Cara’s type.
Diz snarkily remarks, “And I suppose Steve is?”
Diz rags on Cara and the girls continue to argue as if Steven isn’t even in the room. Steven gets angry and yells at Diz for insulting Cara and Jessica for not ever asking him if he wanted to go out with Cara in the first place. Jessica accuses Steven of being afraid to go out and be seen with Cara. Steven screams at her for interfering with his life.
Jessica then reminds him, “Cara’s got one advantage over Tricia, she’s alive.”
Ouch. And OUCH!
Steven races out of the room and Diz says that was the cruelest thing Jessica’s ever said. ROBIN WILSON AND ANNIE WHITMAN BEG TO DIFFER!
After Steven cries for a while, he picks up the phone to leave a message for Cara. To his surprise she answers the phone. Apparently, she asked Artie for a rain check, because she wasn’t in a good mood. Steven apologizes for his recent behavior and asks her to go on a picnic the following day. No wonder Artie and Steven never talk in future books! Bros before hos, dude. Bros before hos.
Cara and Steven go on their sappy picnic date and he’s in a great mood afterwards. The next day, Diz finds Cara at school and apologizes to her. She explains to Cara that she’s been telling Steven that Cara is all wrong for him. (Just what every girl wants to hear.) Then Diz tells her that she was wrong, considering how happy Steven is. Diz asks Cara if they can be friends. Diz is so weird…
Jessica goes to Winston’s house after school and they find Mrs. Egbert in a tizzy. Apparently she is hosting a cocktail party for her cousin and the caterer’s van has broken down. She now needs Winston to drive her to get the food. Um, why can’t she drive herself? Plot device, cough cough. They leave Jessica at the house, where she of course finds the “famous” cousin and chats him up. Jessica tells him that she hears he’s in a very interesting line of work and that she has career aspirations in his field. The cousin is shocked, but invites her over to discuss his career on Saturday.
That night is Cara’s birthday and she and Steven have plans to go to dinner. She makes reservations at The Valley Inn, not realizing it was the last place Steven took Poor Dead Tricia before she became too ill to go out. Steven decides to suck it up, put his feelings aside, and take her to the restaurant. Wow, this is a complete 180 from his behavior towards her earlier on in this book. I know he’s grieving, but I’m still not sure why Cara ever put up with his crap.
Steven is able to relax a bit at the restaurant and he and Cara hit the dance floor. Unfortunately, the band starts to play Poor Dead Tricia’s favorite song and Steven freaks. He leaves the dance floor, drops money on the table to cover dinner, and abandons her at the restaurant. ON HER BIRTHDAY!
Cara takes a cab home and walks into her apartment to find the phone ringing. It’s Steven calling to explain his behavior and apologize (yet again). Cara tells Steven that he should have said something before they got to the restaurant. Steven asks how he can make things up to her, but Cara wisely tells him that it won’t work. Cara explains that she likes him, but can tell he doesn’t feel free to see other girls at this point. Steven begs for one more chance, but Cara tells him he’s not ready.
The next morning the Wackfields worry over Steven some more. Apparently, he spent the whole night pacing. Ned tried to talk to him at three in the morning, but Steven told Ned to leave him alone. Jessica is worried, but not worried enough to forget about her appointment with Winston’s cousin. She goes over to Winston’s house and is truly embarrassed when she realizes that this particular cousin is a civil engineer who wants to discuss the fascinating world of waste disposal. Much to her horror, she finds out that his brother is the famous movie director. Oy vay…
Steven breaks down and confesses the whole Cara debacle to Diz, who comes up with a plan to butt into Steven’s life some more. I guess the personality change didn’t last for her!
Diz drives to Betsy’s house and we get a glorious description of the neighborhood - trash, broken glass, run down homes, etc… Diz knocks on the door and Betsy appears.
Diz says, “Betsy, it’s important that I see you. I wouldn’t have come here if it wasn’t.” Yeah, Betsy. St. Liz would never deign to enter your disgusting neighborhood full of lower life forms it weren’t important. Diz orders Betsy to sit down (IN HER OWN HOME NO LESS) and tells her they have to talk. Meaning that Diz has to talk and Betsy has to either listen or blow her own brains out. I’d advice the latter, Bets!
Diz tells Betsy that when she discovered that Poor Dead Tricia was terminally ill, Poor Dead Tricia made her promise not to tell Steven. This way, Steven would think she just wanted to break up with him and he would be over her by the time she died. Diz broke the promise, so that Steven and Poor Dead Tricia could spend her last few weeks together. Diz tells Betsy that maybe she made a mistake, because Steven continues to live in the past and Betsy is partly to blame.
Diz explains about the mess between Steven and Cara, and for some reason Betsy cares. Betsy is now determined to find a way to bring the two back together and to make it clear that it’s what she and Poor Dead Tricia both want. I don’t know… I think if I died, I’d come back and haunt my husband and any woman who moved in on him. Then again, I am a mean, spiteful person and not saintly like Poor Dead Tricia.
And now for something completely ridiculous… Steven and Cara both receive notes from their mothers reminding them to meet a friend under the clock outside Sweet Valley High. Of course they spot each other and figure out that they’ve been set up. Teddy Collins, the 6-year-old son of high school teacher Mr. Collins rides up on a bicycle. It seems that Mr. Collins is as rotten at parenting as Ned and Alice. It’s freaking 7 o’clock at night for crying out loud!
Teddy shows Steven and Cara two wrapped presents with their names written on top. Teddy rides away and Steven and Cara open their presents. Each one receives a pencil sketch of the other. Steven’s present includes a note from Betsy, asking him to look towards the future instead of the past. Steven suddenly realizes that he’s ready to move on and Cara believes him this time. Steven and Cara kiss. Wow, quick plot resolution… RUN CARA, RUN!
This is embarrassing, but little 9-year-old me bawled throughout this entire scene. No wonder I’m so cracked up!
And now for the absurd lead in for the next book! Diz spots a sad Emily Mayer leaving the cafeteria. Diz bugs the crap out of her, even after Emily asks to be left alone. Hey, Em! That didn’t work for Steven either! Emily obviously decides it’s easier to spill her guts to Diz rather than make any more attempts to elude her. Emily’s father and stepmother want to send her away to boarding school.
Emily sobs, “I love Sweet Valley. I don’t ever want to leave!”
Yes, yes you do! Run far away before you get a shoulder pat of condescension, or a pencil sketch, or are forced to associate with poor people!
THIS BOOK SUCKED DONKEY BALLS!