Honored Mother
Teresa Hoese had a baby.
That thought alone was enough to shock Scully. Hadn't it just been yesterday that she was little more than a kid, meeting them at a burger joint, swearing something was going on, something no one talked about. She'd gotten a nose bleed, Scully remembered, before her father and Billy's dad had come to take her away, turning their eyes away from what was happening to their own children. Now there was a whole new generation being caught up in this. And it occurred to Scully just how old she was getting.
"You were good in there," Mulder's lazy drawl broke her thoughts out of their swirling revery.
"Hmmm?" Scully frowned up at his soft, goofy smile, thinking back to what he meant. "Oh, the baby?"
"Yeah," he replied as they crossed Teresa's lawn to their rental car. Between the two of them they had three, fat manila files, all the medical records of Ray and Teresa Hoese. Far to big for a couple of young, relatively healthy people, Scully noted with disquiet. Just what had happened to the pair of them?
"I haven't seen you with kids that often," Mulder continued, digging in his pocket for his car keys. "I mean, with your nephew, yeah, and then, you know, Emily." He cleared his throat as he unlocked the passengers side door for her.
Scully only shrugged. He was right, there hadn't been that many occasions he had seen her around kids. She had been, of course, between her godson and her own nephew, not to mention cousins growing up and the younger siblings of neighbor kids, she'd had her fair share.
"I know how to handle a baby, Mulder," she laughed, trying to ease his discomfort. "They don't break."
"I'm not so sure of that," he replied, setting the files he carried in the backseat before slipping inside. Scully followed suit, settling her files on her lap. "I've been around my cousins' kids, and someone usually is spitting up on something, drooling on your tie, that type of thing."
"Occupational hazard," she admitted, watching in the distance as Teresa stood on her front porch, waving goodbye, her daughter in her arms. It had felt good, that one instance, to hold that little girl. To imagine, just for the briefest of moments, what it would have been like.
But that wasn't a dream that would ever be afforded her. The same people who had taken Teresa's husband away from her also had taken away Scully's ability to have children. The utter unfairness of it was overwhelming, for both of them. It was hard, in a moment like this, not to be consumed with anger at the injustice of it, against herself but people like Ray and Teresa, and all of those she had met over the years who had been caught up in all of this.
"I wanted that for you." Mulder admitted quietly beside her.
Scully blinked, surprised. "What?"
"The baby." He nodded towards Teresa as he turned the engine on. "I wanted that for you. Last year, when we tried. I wanted that for you so much."
A year already? That gave her pause. It wasn't as if she hadn't thought about it, but in recent months, with everything, with the changes in her life with Mulder, her grief and loss had been gently pushed aside for something else new, happier, more promising. But that old hurt surfaced, raw and aching, out of nowhere, and it took her breath away. A year. Had it been that long?
Mulder continued beside her, sadly. "I wanted it for me too, when I admit it. Only chance I will have at a child."
He had never said as much, not in so many words. Scully had always wondered. She had been so caught up in her own grief at the loss, it hadn’t occurred to her to ask him, and she suddenly felt guilty with it. “I’m sorry.”
“For what?” He pulled the car out of the Hoese’s driveway.
“For forgetting to ask how you felt about it. The failed attempt.”
Mulder only laughed bitterly at that. “Scully, I think you had more than enough on your plate at that moment. Really, it’s fine. I just...wanted it for you is all. You came to this case years ago, thinking it would be as simple as writing a report. You had no idea that you would lose everything that you had because of it.”
“No,” she admitted honestly. “But it was where I needed to be, Mulder. Every choice comes with consequences.”
He glared darkly at the road ahead of them. “Sometimes the price we pay for that choice is too high, Scully. I wanted that for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t give it.”
Scully wasn’t sure what to say in response. She could shrug and brush it off with a “that’s okay”, as if it were a present that didn’t quite work out, but it had been so much more. She had placed so much hope on that IVF, willing herself to believe it would work, that all the hormonal imbalance and financial investment in one of the best doctors in Washington would create for her the long awaited child she desired. And it was the most crushing of blows when it failed. It was Mulder who had convinced her not to give up hope.
“If I’m meant to be a mother, Mulder, it will work out.” It wasn’t necessarily a belief that she espoused, but it was at least a comforting thought, much better than waving off his apology. “There’s always adoption, foster care, even egg donation, there are options for me.”
“Yeah,” he agreed.
“And who knows where we will be in a year, two years,” she continued, as if talking could make the aching regret in her heart go away. “Hell, we may go back to Washington after this and both be out of a job. And maybe, then, I can think about what I might want to do.”
“Sure,” he smiled softly, reaching a hand for hers across the console between them. “Whatever you want.”
Scully’s small fingers laced between his long ones, squeezing tightly. He made no promises about himself, and she knew he wouldn’t. But she also knew he’d support whatever decision she made. Her private hope was that whatever she chose to do, he might be interested in sharing it with her.
“So, you believe that Ray Hoese was an abductee?” She was deflecting. Right now the idea of discussing alien abductions was far less painful than her barrenness. And it was never difficult to shift Mulder to that subject.
“We have no reason to believe he wasn’t. I’ll look through his file tonight. He’s not a part of the original group taken, but perhaps if he has a history, this case could be bigger than even Billy Miles thinks.” With that, Mulder was off and speculating, and Scully quietly let him. Deep fatigue settled into her bones as she leaned her head against the seat and listened to him, trying hard not to think of how nice it was to hold that baby on her lap, or the deep ache it left inside her.