(no subject)
Since I am much faster at typing than I am writing (and because my obsession with penmanship might end up costing me 8+ hours of my life), I am going to write some thoughts down using the less trendy, yet trusty livejournal.
Not much is going in Japan or in my life. And this bothers me. I am wasting time. Wasting the one life I've been blessed with and the incredible opportunities I have been granted. I turned in my decision form 2 weeks ago stating that I would not be staying for another year of teaching in Japan. I miss having friendships that aren't surface-level. Its probably my fault that the friends I've made while traveling aren't closer to my heart than they are. I guess I am just not that trusting. Anyway, I have no doubts about and am completely comfortable with this decision. I didn't spend that much time wrestling with this decision. Of course I thought about sticking around for another year - the job is fun and I get paid well. But I can see myself being a very bitter soul come this time next year. What's funny about this decision and subsequently all of my other decisions concerning the paths I've taken in this life is that I didn't really pray that much about it. A "Help me do what You want" here and a "Tell me where You want me" there, but that's about it. I can't decide what to think about this; I know that I am making MY own decisions, but are these the decisions that God is telling me to make or am I truly just making them based on what my selfish grave of a body wants?
I need to spend more time in thought. And with God. For so long now I've wandered. I'm not sure why, either. I have, however, narrowed the list down to two reasons: 1)I am incredibly lazy and selfish with my time; 2)I was never all that close to God. Its actually a combination of both these factors, with more weight being bore by the lack of true relationship with God. Its easy to pretend when you're constantly around people who actually have a relationship with God or are pretending, too. Step outside the bubble and you start gasping for air. Before you know it, you're drowning. You've collapsed. Its only a matter of time before those who know you begin to realize they don't really know you at all. Actually, I'm not really sure I even know myself.
Here's some things I do know, though. I know that I believe in God, even though my life is definitely not any kind of testament to that. I know that I am not depressed - been there, done that...I am sure I am not depressed. I know I have a wonderful family that I often take forgranted. I know I am lucky to have somewhere I can call home. I know that God will forgive me. He's already done it.
I don't know how to accept His forgiveness, though. I don't know where to start. I can't comprehend it.
And the scary part: I don't have the desire to seek out the answer. Or at least I haven't had the desire. I always thought the desire would come back in a rush. Like there would be an amazing breakthrough. But I think I am coming to find out that perhaps its a gradual thing. Maybe other people go through stuff like this (I would be really surprised if other people didn't go through stuff like this) and maybe our falling apart happens at different paces. I wish that I could shatter into a billion little pieces and start over. I think I may need to be broken up into even smaller parts, actually...
Not much is going in Japan or in my life. And this bothers me. I am wasting time. Wasting the one life I've been blessed with and the incredible opportunities I have been granted. I turned in my decision form 2 weeks ago stating that I would not be staying for another year of teaching in Japan. I miss having friendships that aren't surface-level. Its probably my fault that the friends I've made while traveling aren't closer to my heart than they are. I guess I am just not that trusting. Anyway, I have no doubts about and am completely comfortable with this decision. I didn't spend that much time wrestling with this decision. Of course I thought about sticking around for another year - the job is fun and I get paid well. But I can see myself being a very bitter soul come this time next year. What's funny about this decision and subsequently all of my other decisions concerning the paths I've taken in this life is that I didn't really pray that much about it. A "Help me do what You want" here and a "Tell me where You want me" there, but that's about it. I can't decide what to think about this; I know that I am making MY own decisions, but are these the decisions that God is telling me to make or am I truly just making them based on what my selfish grave of a body wants?
I need to spend more time in thought. And with God. For so long now I've wandered. I'm not sure why, either. I have, however, narrowed the list down to two reasons: 1)I am incredibly lazy and selfish with my time; 2)I was never all that close to God. Its actually a combination of both these factors, with more weight being bore by the lack of true relationship with God. Its easy to pretend when you're constantly around people who actually have a relationship with God or are pretending, too. Step outside the bubble and you start gasping for air. Before you know it, you're drowning. You've collapsed. Its only a matter of time before those who know you begin to realize they don't really know you at all. Actually, I'm not really sure I even know myself.
Here's some things I do know, though. I know that I believe in God, even though my life is definitely not any kind of testament to that. I know that I am not depressed - been there, done that...I am sure I am not depressed. I know I have a wonderful family that I often take forgranted. I know I am lucky to have somewhere I can call home. I know that God will forgive me. He's already done it.
I don't know how to accept His forgiveness, though. I don't know where to start. I can't comprehend it.
And the scary part: I don't have the desire to seek out the answer. Or at least I haven't had the desire. I always thought the desire would come back in a rush. Like there would be an amazing breakthrough. But I think I am coming to find out that perhaps its a gradual thing. Maybe other people go through stuff like this (I would be really surprised if other people didn't go through stuff like this) and maybe our falling apart happens at different paces. I wish that I could shatter into a billion little pieces and start over. I think I may need to be broken up into even smaller parts, actually...