(no subject)
So, i wasnt sure if i was going to write about this, but why not. I have nothing to lose and maybe it will help me feel better. Im not sure whats wrong lately. Im not sure of anything actually. I feel like i am looking at my life through a cloud. I feel like everything around me is moving at high speeds and i cant seem to catch up. Familiar emotional rollercoasters have been the most recent of anything. Im up and down and here and there. Horrible thoughts fill my mind and argue with myself about the smallest day to day desicions. Painic attacks seem to be surfacing too. This is all too familiar. This time around it scares me though because im older and smarter and sometimes that isnt a good thing. Mary remember after i was released from CATC, your mom told me, if i didnt feel like anything mattered and i felt like doing something like that again, to remember that patrick loves me....? I thought about that today. and i actually didnt find comfort in that. I dont know how to ask for help. I dont know how to tell someone that i am fucked up in the head without sounding crazy. i dont even know what to say to someone i know i can count on with the shit.. I texted you the other night instead of calling cuz i was afraid you might answer and i wouldnt know what to say. And at the same time i wanted to say everything to you hello, goodbye, i love you, help me, what am i suppose to do, im fine, no im not... and this is where the arguing begins..
and this is where i would just X out this webpage because i feel like im not making sense but not tonight, tonight im gonna post it, and i wanna know what you think.. because i dont knwo what to think...