Hey...give me space so I can breathe.
I wish I was capable of understanding myself better. I really do. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy. When I get into certain moods, I turn into this stubborn bitch who I HATE. She lashes out at the people she cares about the most, and shuts herself down when people try to help her, and she's just too negative. I want to just erase that girl from my mind forever. Tonight was so fucking shitty. I don't even know how it began, but Matt and I were talking, and then all of a sudden this conversation took off that went absolutely nowhere. He was frustrated. I was frustrated. It was fucking shitty. Online is the worst thing ever. There's no emotion. It makes things so much worse when you can't tell if someone is being serious, or sarcastic, or just trying to make you feel bad or if they are genuinely confused as to what is happening. I don't know. I know that all of this shit that I do, and how I am, and who I am when I'm not being the person that I want to be is fixable. I just need to fucking fix it.
I think that the reason why I fuck things up so often is so that I can learn a goddamned lesson. I need to get myself some help. If I would just do that, then I wouldn't ruin good things that come my way. Tonight was such a prime example of that. I don't know how I managed to irritate Matt the way I did. But it happened, and there's nothing I can do to fix it...not right now at least. I think that I'm not in the right state of mind to be able to hold myself together in any kind of relationship. As much as I hate to admit that, because I do like Matt a lot. I know it's true. It's really unfortunate to come to such a realization after so many repetitions of the same situation. I just wish that things would suddenly get better, and I could just be normal for once. I don't want to create stress for people that I care about, I don't want to make people feel like I don't listen to them. I just want to be the person I really am. Amelia is the girl who's happy, and who can make others laugh. She smiles, and is spontaneous and fun. I don't know where she went. But right now, right at this very moment. She's gone from me, and I want her back.
Basically...it went like this. "You figured out how to really push my buttons tonight, and I'm not in the mood to talk to you right now." I don't even know how we got started into such a heavy and endlessly frustrating talk, but we did. It was useless. Even when I was trying to say something normally, it came out wrong, and I sounded like a bitch. I just couldn't speak tonight, and every word I said made things worse and worse. I can't even convey what's running through my mind right now. This is such a crazily hard time for me in my life. Everything is piling up at once. It boils down to two things. What I need to do for myself, and what I wish would happen. What I need to do is see a doctor, get some medication, and see a therapist. I also need to stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking of me. What I want to do is feel better. I wish that I could stop fucking things up. That's all. I just want to be happy.
I think that the reason why I fuck things up so often is so that I can learn a goddamned lesson. I need to get myself some help. If I would just do that, then I wouldn't ruin good things that come my way. Tonight was such a prime example of that. I don't know how I managed to irritate Matt the way I did. But it happened, and there's nothing I can do to fix it...not right now at least. I think that I'm not in the right state of mind to be able to hold myself together in any kind of relationship. As much as I hate to admit that, because I do like Matt a lot. I know it's true. It's really unfortunate to come to such a realization after so many repetitions of the same situation. I just wish that things would suddenly get better, and I could just be normal for once. I don't want to create stress for people that I care about, I don't want to make people feel like I don't listen to them. I just want to be the person I really am. Amelia is the girl who's happy, and who can make others laugh. She smiles, and is spontaneous and fun. I don't know where she went. But right now, right at this very moment. She's gone from me, and I want her back.
Basically...it went like this. "You figured out how to really push my buttons tonight, and I'm not in the mood to talk to you right now." I don't even know how we got started into such a heavy and endlessly frustrating talk, but we did. It was useless. Even when I was trying to say something normally, it came out wrong, and I sounded like a bitch. I just couldn't speak tonight, and every word I said made things worse and worse. I can't even convey what's running through my mind right now. This is such a crazily hard time for me in my life. Everything is piling up at once. It boils down to two things. What I need to do for myself, and what I wish would happen. What I need to do is see a doctor, get some medication, and see a therapist. I also need to stop worrying about what everyone else is thinking of me. What I want to do is feel better. I wish that I could stop fucking things up. That's all. I just want to be happy.