Fighting
If you need someone to fight for you, all you have to do is give them the chance to. The only fear is that they won't, and if they don't, then they're not worth it. They're not worthy of you. I'd lived with this fear my whole lfie I think, I'd met a lot of people not worthy, a lot of people who wouldn't fight for me. So, this time, this time I gave E- a chance to fight for me. I told him that, from the way it was going, he needed a lot of space lately, that all he could offer was Saturdays, otherwise he would get aggitated if I spent more time than that with him. And I looked at my mother's relationship, she sometimes went weeks without seeing her bf. I sat there in silence for a few moments and then kissed him and left on my own accord, sadly.
Later, while driving home I get a text from E-.
"You're an amazing woman, I love you and care about you and I'm tired of wasting our time with irritation and distance. I'm going to go back to counseling to figure out what the hell is wrong."
My body became wracked with sobbing and catharsis. All of the pain of all of my effort I was completely drained by that day, I had nothing left, I couldn't fight anymore. So he did. I guess that's where belief comes in, where God and picking the right person comes in. Later I got an email from him.
Dearest J-,
I was thinking today about what my life would be like without you.
And I decided it would be a far worse life.
I want to be the right man for you, and I'm committed to figuring out
what's wrong with me. I know that actions speak louder than words, so
look for some loud speech this week.
Every semi-serious relationship I've had in the past has hit a patch
of similar depression, and I ditched it at that point. I don't want
that with you. You're too special, and you mean too much.
I don't think for a second that I can go to a couple of counseling
sessions and make everything magically better. I'm pretty sure this
won't be the last apology letter I ever write to you, nor the last
time I ever dismissed you far to casually over the course of weeks.
And I apologize in advance for that.
Please know that, in my heart of hearts, I love you, and am fighting
for you. For us.
-E
so it's not about finding that person who's exactly perfect from the start. It's about finding someone who has things that you can deal with, and is willing to fight and fix things for that relationship, someone who's willing to stand up when you can't. who wants to work every bit as hard as you do at making it work. and who loves you, whole-heartedly.
Later, while driving home I get a text from E-.
"You're an amazing woman, I love you and care about you and I'm tired of wasting our time with irritation and distance. I'm going to go back to counseling to figure out what the hell is wrong."
My body became wracked with sobbing and catharsis. All of the pain of all of my effort I was completely drained by that day, I had nothing left, I couldn't fight anymore. So he did. I guess that's where belief comes in, where God and picking the right person comes in. Later I got an email from him.
Dearest J-,
I was thinking today about what my life would be like without you.
And I decided it would be a far worse life.
I want to be the right man for you, and I'm committed to figuring out
what's wrong with me. I know that actions speak louder than words, so
look for some loud speech this week.
Every semi-serious relationship I've had in the past has hit a patch
of similar depression, and I ditched it at that point. I don't want
that with you. You're too special, and you mean too much.
I don't think for a second that I can go to a couple of counseling
sessions and make everything magically better. I'm pretty sure this
won't be the last apology letter I ever write to you, nor the last
time I ever dismissed you far to casually over the course of weeks.
And I apologize in advance for that.
Please know that, in my heart of hearts, I love you, and am fighting
for you. For us.
-E
so it's not about finding that person who's exactly perfect from the start. It's about finding someone who has things that you can deal with, and is willing to fight and fix things for that relationship, someone who's willing to stand up when you can't. who wants to work every bit as hard as you do at making it work. and who loves you, whole-heartedly.