Process
Sometimes I'm confused by the sheer process of being human. Growing up, being upset, getting angry. Forgiveness. Sometimes just learning to forgive is confusing to me.
E once told me that, men don't necessarily forgive, they just eventually forget. Whereas women will forgive, but they won't really forget.
He's right in his understanding of forgiving and forgetting. Most times I will remember every single thing an ex did.Even much after the fact. This weekend I contacted A-. I was going to meet with him on Sunday to discuss the, conditions of the end of our friendship. Sort of a concluding chapter. In a drunken stupor, I ended up telling E that.
He became very sad with this knowledge, disappointed maybe even. He told me that People, most people, will act and respond appropriately. But there are some people. Some people, that will not stop, that will never stop. That every opportunity they get, they will try to take the world from you.
I told him that, when you're raised, when you're raised with people, by people, who are those kinds of people. Your very definition about how humans act, has to change. It just has to, for you to survive. For you to accept them as your parents, you have to change what you expect of them. So that I understood what he was saying, and I believed it, but it was still like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
He told me he was sorry, that he didn't mean to upset me. He felt that his words just hurt me when he told me things like that, that it didn't really help me but rather just caused me to feel pain.
He was right to some degree. But the reason why it hurt was because. That instinct, that voice inside. I told him, all my life that voice was told it was wrong. When I said I was being abused, when the voice said that I deserved better, deserved better parents deserved better boyfriends, deserved better babysitters. When I deserved to be treated right. Every.Single.Time. That voice was told it was wrong. So I wanted him to say those things to make that voice strong and understand that the way it feels is right.
But that sometimes, on some occasions, he is going to have to accept that I am younger than him and it is going to take me a little longer to come to some conclusions and lessons on my own.
E- was moody this weekend, his moods ebb and flow, sometimes I think he's happy with me, most times I think I'm a catalyst to his unhappiness. I told him this on saturday morning. Asked him if that's what it was, if I was the catalyst to his unhappiness. He said yes. He said that he liked that I used the word catalyst. It's not that being with me makes him unhappy. It's that he's not naturally the relationship type. That he's used to spending time alone and not having that alone time, sometimes makes him edgy because he doesn't know how to tell me he needs alone time. I told him I was born an only child, I understand the desire for alone time, and that all he has to do is tell me. I then asked him if anything I ever did, would ever make him happy, in that moment. He said that nothing I did would ever make him a happy person, but he would be happy in that moment, yes.
I don't know how to handle that. I don't know if I'm okay with that.
That's the thing about dating someone, it's really about, are you going to be ok with them, the way they are, for the rest of your life.
I've spent my life around so much sadness. So many depressed people in my life. They all tell me that I'm this, bright shining light. Even E tells me that i'm constantly happy and bright and positive. Am I really? I have these dark bouts often I feel, these moments of struggle with the world. this quiet contemplation here, often times it is, indeed, sadness.
I-'s sadness consumed me. A's sadness abused me. My parent's sadness just about destroyed me.
I need more happy people in my life. I need more light in my life. I deserve happy people in my life. I know we're all prone to dwelling. It happens, I understand that, but do I spend my days and hours trying to make him happy, or does he spend it trying to make me happy? Or both?
I think to some degree both, as of right now. I hope both. He's a bit cynical and sometimes I think it hurts my feelings. It hurts my feelings because I think the world is such an amazing place. That there are so many beautiful things in the world and so many beautiful people that I feel that why spend so much time focusing on what could be bad about things or what could go wrong. Why do it? Why not just open your heart to light and love and acceptance, let go of control and expectations.
Maybe that's it. Maybe he's been hurt so badly, that he's forgotten how to open up, how to accept the world and let it accept him.
Sometimes I think of him as one of the great healers in my life. Not that I am incapable of healing myself, but that I needed a place to feel safe, feel cared about enough to heal myself. He does make me feel that way. He is loving, and caring and considerate of me and my feelings. He wants me not to hurt and tries his best to keep me from pain. He loves me even when I screw up, even when I'm not my best, even with all of my quirks and flaws and imperfections. He accepts me. He loves me. Just as I am.
But do I accept him?
E once told me that, men don't necessarily forgive, they just eventually forget. Whereas women will forgive, but they won't really forget.
He's right in his understanding of forgiving and forgetting. Most times I will remember every single thing an ex did.Even much after the fact. This weekend I contacted A-. I was going to meet with him on Sunday to discuss the, conditions of the end of our friendship. Sort of a concluding chapter. In a drunken stupor, I ended up telling E that.
He became very sad with this knowledge, disappointed maybe even. He told me that People, most people, will act and respond appropriately. But there are some people. Some people, that will not stop, that will never stop. That every opportunity they get, they will try to take the world from you.
I told him that, when you're raised, when you're raised with people, by people, who are those kinds of people. Your very definition about how humans act, has to change. It just has to, for you to survive. For you to accept them as your parents, you have to change what you expect of them. So that I understood what he was saying, and I believed it, but it was still like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.
He told me he was sorry, that he didn't mean to upset me. He felt that his words just hurt me when he told me things like that, that it didn't really help me but rather just caused me to feel pain.
He was right to some degree. But the reason why it hurt was because. That instinct, that voice inside. I told him, all my life that voice was told it was wrong. When I said I was being abused, when the voice said that I deserved better, deserved better parents deserved better boyfriends, deserved better babysitters. When I deserved to be treated right. Every.Single.Time. That voice was told it was wrong. So I wanted him to say those things to make that voice strong and understand that the way it feels is right.
But that sometimes, on some occasions, he is going to have to accept that I am younger than him and it is going to take me a little longer to come to some conclusions and lessons on my own.
E- was moody this weekend, his moods ebb and flow, sometimes I think he's happy with me, most times I think I'm a catalyst to his unhappiness. I told him this on saturday morning. Asked him if that's what it was, if I was the catalyst to his unhappiness. He said yes. He said that he liked that I used the word catalyst. It's not that being with me makes him unhappy. It's that he's not naturally the relationship type. That he's used to spending time alone and not having that alone time, sometimes makes him edgy because he doesn't know how to tell me he needs alone time. I told him I was born an only child, I understand the desire for alone time, and that all he has to do is tell me. I then asked him if anything I ever did, would ever make him happy, in that moment. He said that nothing I did would ever make him a happy person, but he would be happy in that moment, yes.
I don't know how to handle that. I don't know if I'm okay with that.
That's the thing about dating someone, it's really about, are you going to be ok with them, the way they are, for the rest of your life.
I've spent my life around so much sadness. So many depressed people in my life. They all tell me that I'm this, bright shining light. Even E tells me that i'm constantly happy and bright and positive. Am I really? I have these dark bouts often I feel, these moments of struggle with the world. this quiet contemplation here, often times it is, indeed, sadness.
I-'s sadness consumed me. A's sadness abused me. My parent's sadness just about destroyed me.
I need more happy people in my life. I need more light in my life. I deserve happy people in my life. I know we're all prone to dwelling. It happens, I understand that, but do I spend my days and hours trying to make him happy, or does he spend it trying to make me happy? Or both?
I think to some degree both, as of right now. I hope both. He's a bit cynical and sometimes I think it hurts my feelings. It hurts my feelings because I think the world is such an amazing place. That there are so many beautiful things in the world and so many beautiful people that I feel that why spend so much time focusing on what could be bad about things or what could go wrong. Why do it? Why not just open your heart to light and love and acceptance, let go of control and expectations.
Maybe that's it. Maybe he's been hurt so badly, that he's forgotten how to open up, how to accept the world and let it accept him.
Sometimes I think of him as one of the great healers in my life. Not that I am incapable of healing myself, but that I needed a place to feel safe, feel cared about enough to heal myself. He does make me feel that way. He is loving, and caring and considerate of me and my feelings. He wants me not to hurt and tries his best to keep me from pain. He loves me even when I screw up, even when I'm not my best, even with all of my quirks and flaws and imperfections. He accepts me. He loves me. Just as I am.
But do I accept him?