Addiction
Before I begin talking about the title of this entry, I want to rant about work. So, I didn't always used to work on Saturdays. When I got hired, I was in school on Saturdays, so it became one of my days off, and stayed that way for a long time after. However, it was convenient for them, because if anyone needed a Saturday shift off, I could take it (most people will usually refuse to work on Saturdays, because they either already have a shift, or they have it off and already have something planned). And I often did pick up other people's Saturday shifts if they needed it off. Well, as of March, they put me on Saturdays. Which wouldn't bother me, except they expect me to keep the shifts I already took. Working all day on a Saturday is literally brutal. Especially with my back and my wrist being what they are. Both the 21st and the 28th, I was going to be set to work all day Saturday shifts, because they screwed me into doing it. I did get someone to cover part of the 28th shift, but this upcoming Saturday, I didn't get so lucky. All I asked of my manager was to let me leave at 7pm (I am up to 7 massages total that day, a lot of which are deep tissues) instead of 8 since it was a double I wasn't expecting to work. Well, the best she could do was to block the time and write "book last" in the slot. Meaning, they will give last minute appointments to other people first, but may book me for the 7 to 8 if it is literally all booked up. I guess this just bothers me because they know my back is fucked up. They know my wrist is fucked up...but you know...anything for an extra buck! Work our therapists to the fucking bone, and screw their schedules over and not even care about it. I just think it's super shitty that all I ask is to leave one hour early, but they can't even grant me that.
Anyways, the title I chose was because I recently sat down with my roommate recently and talked about how I had never done pot before and that I wanted to try it at least once, sometime when I didn't have anything going on the next day. But it got me to thinking about my past and upbringing. About how I couldn't do anything out of line, or I was somehow bad. And then it got me thinking about how I am now, and how I think it is dangerous now for me to be drinking and/or smoking anything, because I feel like I could potentially get addicted to these things. I've been feeling particularly vulnerable lately, and I do have somewhat of an addictive habit - I rarely watch "new" things on Netflix because I feel like I would have to dedicate all of my attention to watching that new thing. But I want to be able to do other things at the same time, so I rewatch things over and over and over again and don't seem to get tired of it, like most other people would. But I feel like I always need that background noise while I'm doing other things. The usual things I rewatch are: How I Met Your Mother, Parks and Recreation, Portlandia, The Walking Dead, and Bob's Burgers. I do eventually want to start watching new things, in particular - Orange is the New Black and House of Cards. Been hearing good things about those shows.
Anyways, I also seem to get addicted to certain people either, and certain personalities. A while back, I met someone new at the Noblesville Steak and Shake when we went to eat with Brandon and Adrian. Our waitress commented on my Aperture Laboratories purse, and from there, we realized we had a decent amount in common, and she was really funny and gave us great customer service. I tipped her $20, and gave her my business card to keep in touch. For a while after that, I got super addicted to want to talk to her right away, and I overdid it. I messaged her too much, and invited her out too much, and like clockwork, she stopped responding and I realized that I get too excited too fast to connect with people.
While these things don't have to do with substance/drug addiction, it makes me feel scared to even give anything a chance, because especially when I'm vulnerable, I feel like I would want to cling to the things to make me forget how horrible I feel a lot of the time. If I get addicted to any substance/drug, it could ruin me. My job(s) would fall apart and then that would lead to financial ruin. With that being said, I am good about regulating how much I drink at any given time. I haven't thrown up from being drunk since my 21st birthday. I am just afraid of drinking more regularly, so I just don't even try it. I guess now that I'm considering trying something new, I keep wavering on it because for one - pot is still an illegal drug in Indiana and I could get in trouble for doing it (I'd be more worried about randomly getting drug tested for whatever job I'm at), and secondly I worry that I will like how it makes me feel and want to do it frequently.
With all of that being said, I have felt very on edge lately, and I wish that there was something I could turn to that could automatically calm me down. For now, that thing is Tim. And I am grateful for him being there, even being as busy as he is. I feel like I don't have many outlets for relief with everything that is stressing me out, so I have Tim, and playing computer games, and rewatching Netflix shows over and over again. Nothing else really comforts or calms me.
I guess I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do, but whatever I decide, I need to tread carefully.
Anyways, the title I chose was because I recently sat down with my roommate recently and talked about how I had never done pot before and that I wanted to try it at least once, sometime when I didn't have anything going on the next day. But it got me to thinking about my past and upbringing. About how I couldn't do anything out of line, or I was somehow bad. And then it got me thinking about how I am now, and how I think it is dangerous now for me to be drinking and/or smoking anything, because I feel like I could potentially get addicted to these things. I've been feeling particularly vulnerable lately, and I do have somewhat of an addictive habit - I rarely watch "new" things on Netflix because I feel like I would have to dedicate all of my attention to watching that new thing. But I want to be able to do other things at the same time, so I rewatch things over and over and over again and don't seem to get tired of it, like most other people would. But I feel like I always need that background noise while I'm doing other things. The usual things I rewatch are: How I Met Your Mother, Parks and Recreation, Portlandia, The Walking Dead, and Bob's Burgers. I do eventually want to start watching new things, in particular - Orange is the New Black and House of Cards. Been hearing good things about those shows.
Anyways, I also seem to get addicted to certain people either, and certain personalities. A while back, I met someone new at the Noblesville Steak and Shake when we went to eat with Brandon and Adrian. Our waitress commented on my Aperture Laboratories purse, and from there, we realized we had a decent amount in common, and she was really funny and gave us great customer service. I tipped her $20, and gave her my business card to keep in touch. For a while after that, I got super addicted to want to talk to her right away, and I overdid it. I messaged her too much, and invited her out too much, and like clockwork, she stopped responding and I realized that I get too excited too fast to connect with people.
While these things don't have to do with substance/drug addiction, it makes me feel scared to even give anything a chance, because especially when I'm vulnerable, I feel like I would want to cling to the things to make me forget how horrible I feel a lot of the time. If I get addicted to any substance/drug, it could ruin me. My job(s) would fall apart and then that would lead to financial ruin. With that being said, I am good about regulating how much I drink at any given time. I haven't thrown up from being drunk since my 21st birthday. I am just afraid of drinking more regularly, so I just don't even try it. I guess now that I'm considering trying something new, I keep wavering on it because for one - pot is still an illegal drug in Indiana and I could get in trouble for doing it (I'd be more worried about randomly getting drug tested for whatever job I'm at), and secondly I worry that I will like how it makes me feel and want to do it frequently.
With all of that being said, I have felt very on edge lately, and I wish that there was something I could turn to that could automatically calm me down. For now, that thing is Tim. And I am grateful for him being there, even being as busy as he is. I feel like I don't have many outlets for relief with everything that is stressing me out, so I have Tim, and playing computer games, and rewatching Netflix shows over and over again. Nothing else really comforts or calms me.
I guess I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do, but whatever I decide, I need to tread carefully.