Missing a friend
I miss Malerie. Like fucking miss her. My best friend died this summer. Mal. We had been best friends since fourth grade. We were utter opposites. She was a pot-smoking, tough-talking ladies man type of person. I'm loud but still more bookish and not as outgoing. Ever since she died I have felt lost. I mean we hadn't hung out as much recently, but we went through times like that alot. But she was still always there. Always. And now she isn't. I still can't believe it. I held her hand as she died and I still can't believe it. I don't want to. I know Mal's entire family her mom, dad, stepmom, brother, brother's girlfriends, brother's kids, brother's friends, sister, sister's kid, sister's boyfriend, sister's friends, mal's other friends, mal's grandmom, mal's uncles, aunts, cousins, every-fucking-one. And I love so much of them. But I only know them through Mal and they only know me through Mal. And I don't know how to talk to them. I have. I feel awkward. I feel like I lost that family. I don't want to even see her mom. Ever since the hospital. How just awkward and bad everything felt. I don't want to see her, but feel guilty not. I use to do Christmas Eve at Mal's house every year. We did it last year.
Everyone had a different relationship with Mal. It's what I have seen and kept hearing. Well, it's true and kinda sucks. I feel we are all mourning someone else. There is no one I can just cry with. I mean there is. And there is, but it sucks and feels pointless. So I sit there crying and nothing happens. But the pain doesn't go away.
Mal was my bullshit detector she could see through everyone's lies. I used to go to her for guidance. She would go to me for knowledge. We helped each other. We were supposed to grow up together and its not fair. She was sick her entire life. And she never had a reprieve.
My aunt died the same way she did. After a long enough time the pain becomes too much and you give in. That's how Mal died.
A few months before her death. She was at DuPont in Delawre the children's hospital. Alone. I texted her and was scared at how unlike herself she sounded. So I borrowed my parents care and drove there. I had been there so many times before that driving ther wasn't hard. Got there. The doctors at that point didn't know if her liver was shot or not. So either she was dying or not. They would not really tell her. And Mal is one tough mother-fucker. but she broke down crying like Ihadn't seen in a long time. And I came over and sat on the bed and hugged her and she wrapped around me. And she seemed so small and I saw just how mcuh this was just not how she wanted to live. She kept saying if they wouldn't give her an answer she was leaving and kept saying she couldn't do it anymore. So we all knew it wasn't good in July. The fact she was unresponsive was her way of checking out and having a fucking stroke on top of that?
I mean the one thing I saw her do after the stroke killed her right side, she was sedated, on life support, was reach up with her left arm and try to pull the breathing tube out. If that doesn't say let me die I don't know what does.
I do sometimes get pissed off she died. Most of the time I just miss her. Ever since she died my tolerance for anything is nihl. Every situation sucks harder. Worse than that Iam so afriad to lose someone else. So afraid I don't think I could take it. Normally that is not a fear people have day to day. But with Orlando's suicide, and even Donald Olvivo's drug overdeose, and Mal's death its just so right there in my mind.
Mal would be pissed I'm writing this. And tell me to get over it. But unfortunately she is not here. I was at the hospial for days, hoping I would have one chance to talk with her. But she never woke up. And I feel like shit. Cause I'm alive. I was always the healthy one. Mentally my health has been dubious to say the least, but Mal was hospitalized for slitting her wrists and other things. Yes I'm grateful for being healthy blah blah. But seriously when you grown up with someone who is dying its fucked up. I tried to donate half of my liver but the doctors wouldn't even check my bloodtype cause I was too young. And even with Win, he has a thousand and five medical problems and I hate watching people I love in pain. I mean my first memories are escorting my grandmother to the hospital. She died of ovarian cancer shortly therafter. My favorite person in the world growing up was my Aunt Kyrol. Who, was on machine dialysis had both her legs amputated, and a million other things. She died only in her fifties. She gave up too. I saw the same look she had on Mal that day in Delaware. I knew it. And it sucked. Cause I couldn't do anything.
Best Thanksgiving I ever had was me, Daniela, aunt julie, and laredo. We were having fun and Mal called. Pissed at her family she asked if she could join I said of course and it was awesome. Me and her did a last minute shopping trip to Pathmark and it was just fun. I hate that that will never happen again. That all I have left are memories and I have to move on and grow alone. I fucking watched her die and just every breath was horrid. She looked horrid. Her mom was lying next to her at one point and left and I asked if I could. Which was the only good sleep I got was when I could at least hold her and try to give her some comfort maybe. I liked to think it helped. I tried. I stopped her parents from being stupid alot. Like arguing who was the better parent over her body as she was dying. But who knows. I know I miss her.
Everyone had a different relationship with Mal. It's what I have seen and kept hearing. Well, it's true and kinda sucks. I feel we are all mourning someone else. There is no one I can just cry with. I mean there is. And there is, but it sucks and feels pointless. So I sit there crying and nothing happens. But the pain doesn't go away.
Mal was my bullshit detector she could see through everyone's lies. I used to go to her for guidance. She would go to me for knowledge. We helped each other. We were supposed to grow up together and its not fair. She was sick her entire life. And she never had a reprieve.
My aunt died the same way she did. After a long enough time the pain becomes too much and you give in. That's how Mal died.
A few months before her death. She was at DuPont in Delawre the children's hospital. Alone. I texted her and was scared at how unlike herself she sounded. So I borrowed my parents care and drove there. I had been there so many times before that driving ther wasn't hard. Got there. The doctors at that point didn't know if her liver was shot or not. So either she was dying or not. They would not really tell her. And Mal is one tough mother-fucker. but she broke down crying like Ihadn't seen in a long time. And I came over and sat on the bed and hugged her and she wrapped around me. And she seemed so small and I saw just how mcuh this was just not how she wanted to live. She kept saying if they wouldn't give her an answer she was leaving and kept saying she couldn't do it anymore. So we all knew it wasn't good in July. The fact she was unresponsive was her way of checking out and having a fucking stroke on top of that?
I mean the one thing I saw her do after the stroke killed her right side, she was sedated, on life support, was reach up with her left arm and try to pull the breathing tube out. If that doesn't say let me die I don't know what does.
I do sometimes get pissed off she died. Most of the time I just miss her. Ever since she died my tolerance for anything is nihl. Every situation sucks harder. Worse than that Iam so afriad to lose someone else. So afraid I don't think I could take it. Normally that is not a fear people have day to day. But with Orlando's suicide, and even Donald Olvivo's drug overdeose, and Mal's death its just so right there in my mind.
Mal would be pissed I'm writing this. And tell me to get over it. But unfortunately she is not here. I was at the hospial for days, hoping I would have one chance to talk with her. But she never woke up. And I feel like shit. Cause I'm alive. I was always the healthy one. Mentally my health has been dubious to say the least, but Mal was hospitalized for slitting her wrists and other things. Yes I'm grateful for being healthy blah blah. But seriously when you grown up with someone who is dying its fucked up. I tried to donate half of my liver but the doctors wouldn't even check my bloodtype cause I was too young. And even with Win, he has a thousand and five medical problems and I hate watching people I love in pain. I mean my first memories are escorting my grandmother to the hospital. She died of ovarian cancer shortly therafter. My favorite person in the world growing up was my Aunt Kyrol. Who, was on machine dialysis had both her legs amputated, and a million other things. She died only in her fifties. She gave up too. I saw the same look she had on Mal that day in Delaware. I knew it. And it sucked. Cause I couldn't do anything.
Best Thanksgiving I ever had was me, Daniela, aunt julie, and laredo. We were having fun and Mal called. Pissed at her family she asked if she could join I said of course and it was awesome. Me and her did a last minute shopping trip to Pathmark and it was just fun. I hate that that will never happen again. That all I have left are memories and I have to move on and grow alone. I fucking watched her die and just every breath was horrid. She looked horrid. Her mom was lying next to her at one point and left and I asked if I could. Which was the only good sleep I got was when I could at least hold her and try to give her some comfort maybe. I liked to think it helped. I tried. I stopped her parents from being stupid alot. Like arguing who was the better parent over her body as she was dying. But who knows. I know I miss her.