All you need is Love
this entry is very cathartic (hmmm... this may not be the right word!) and LONG, so be warned.
Well, the past few days have been turbulent and trying. I've never lived without Christina since she is (was! I hate that!) two years older than me. I definitely feel something missing in my life. It's really like a member of the family is gone... or a piece of my arm. It's worst at home, because that's where she always was. I still cannot believe that she is gone, since she has ALWAYS been here. There was no time before Christina. It's so strange. It's like she just disappeared. I dont know what to think, or tell myself. I feel like i'm constantly looking for her, and she's just not there. I keep seeing something out of the corner of my eye, and thinking it's her. We've started to look for pictures of her and we're slowly starting to relate anecdotes about her. It's so hard, whenever I think about her too much I get this actual physical ache in my legs and arms. I feel her absence in a totally real way. The way I picture it is like when you have a digital picture, and you circle a certain part of it and click delete. Everythign remains the same, but that thing is gone. This is the strangest thing that's ever happened to me. I know I'm repeating myself, but I simply cannot believe that she is gone. I know she's not here, but she's always been here. It's impossible for me to have one cat. I have two cats! It's always been Dante and Christina. They're like a unit. You can't have one without the other. I always sort of imagined that either they'd both be here, or both gone. They complete eachother. But now it's just Dante. I am, however, happy in some ways. My sadness is not from her death, it's from her absence. I know they're the same thing, but I never really comprehended that until now. Thankfully, I have no regrets about her life. I didn't take her for granted, and I always treated her with kindness. It wasn't like as soon as I found out she was going to die I started being really nice to her. I've always loved her and appreciated her. She lived to be 108 in people years, which is really astounding. All this I am very thankful for, and happy about. It's just that she is gone, that I am sad about. And also that she was SO unique, and so special... her extra toes, how she would say "oh wow!" and how she would sometimes sit on my face at night. I'm glad so many people got to meet her, because I feel like the more people who know how special she was, the more "alive" she will stay in peoples' memories. I guess I've survived my first experience with death and come out more or less ok. I'm not crying right now. More than anything else, it's strange. It's different than anything I've ever experienced. This is real, this is life. I could say more, but I'll stop now. It's hard to explain what this is like for me.
Well, the past few days have been turbulent and trying. I've never lived without Christina since she is (was! I hate that!) two years older than me. I definitely feel something missing in my life. It's really like a member of the family is gone... or a piece of my arm. It's worst at home, because that's where she always was. I still cannot believe that she is gone, since she has ALWAYS been here. There was no time before Christina. It's so strange. It's like she just disappeared. I dont know what to think, or tell myself. I feel like i'm constantly looking for her, and she's just not there. I keep seeing something out of the corner of my eye, and thinking it's her. We've started to look for pictures of her and we're slowly starting to relate anecdotes about her. It's so hard, whenever I think about her too much I get this actual physical ache in my legs and arms. I feel her absence in a totally real way. The way I picture it is like when you have a digital picture, and you circle a certain part of it and click delete. Everythign remains the same, but that thing is gone. This is the strangest thing that's ever happened to me. I know I'm repeating myself, but I simply cannot believe that she is gone. I know she's not here, but she's always been here. It's impossible for me to have one cat. I have two cats! It's always been Dante and Christina. They're like a unit. You can't have one without the other. I always sort of imagined that either they'd both be here, or both gone. They complete eachother. But now it's just Dante. I am, however, happy in some ways. My sadness is not from her death, it's from her absence. I know they're the same thing, but I never really comprehended that until now. Thankfully, I have no regrets about her life. I didn't take her for granted, and I always treated her with kindness. It wasn't like as soon as I found out she was going to die I started being really nice to her. I've always loved her and appreciated her. She lived to be 108 in people years, which is really astounding. All this I am very thankful for, and happy about. It's just that she is gone, that I am sad about. And also that she was SO unique, and so special... her extra toes, how she would say "oh wow!" and how she would sometimes sit on my face at night. I'm glad so many people got to meet her, because I feel like the more people who know how special she was, the more "alive" she will stay in peoples' memories. I guess I've survived my first experience with death and come out more or less ok. I'm not crying right now. More than anything else, it's strange. It's different than anything I've ever experienced. This is real, this is life. I could say more, but I'll stop now. It's hard to explain what this is like for me.