let me hear you speaking just for me
I don't know what to do.
I just signed on to AIM, and Kingfisher is on.
Is this a sign? I've been missing him but I'm determined not to talk to him. But am I wrong? What if this is a sign? What if this is my one last chance?
I'm probably just overthinking. But seriously. What if?
I miss him. I miss him so much. But our fight, our ending, was so painful, and I still can't believe some of the things that he said.
I knew that I would never be able to stop talking to him unless I took drastic measures. After our last exchange I blocked his Facebook so that he couldn't message me because it would have just kept going back and forth. I took him off my LiveJournal friends. I effectively erased him from day-to-day contact. I made him into a memory. I wanted to just move on.
I don't think it was the kind of fight where we just needed a "cooling off" period and then we can go back. A friendship would have to be rebuilt between us from the ground up, and I don't think that can happen.
I don't want to go back. I don't feel like he respects me. I don't feel like he cares. I don't feel like we are functional together.
But he was my best friend. I loved him. There's still a space for him in me. Things remind me of him and I think of all the best times we had. Just laying next to him, holding his hand and hearing him breathe...it made me whole and content. I can't even begin to enumerate the memories of him that are crammed in my head. They're all soft-focus and happy and beautiful.
So what if this is it?
God, I hate how I can never just stick with a decision. Letting go of people is like pulling teeth for me.
(Of course, this is all making the rather brash assumption that he would have anything to do with me again.)
edit, 11:08 pm- I just signed off. Fuck this.
I just signed on to AIM, and Kingfisher is on.
Is this a sign? I've been missing him but I'm determined not to talk to him. But am I wrong? What if this is a sign? What if this is my one last chance?
I'm probably just overthinking. But seriously. What if?
I miss him. I miss him so much. But our fight, our ending, was so painful, and I still can't believe some of the things that he said.
I knew that I would never be able to stop talking to him unless I took drastic measures. After our last exchange I blocked his Facebook so that he couldn't message me because it would have just kept going back and forth. I took him off my LiveJournal friends. I effectively erased him from day-to-day contact. I made him into a memory. I wanted to just move on.
I don't think it was the kind of fight where we just needed a "cooling off" period and then we can go back. A friendship would have to be rebuilt between us from the ground up, and I don't think that can happen.
I don't want to go back. I don't feel like he respects me. I don't feel like he cares. I don't feel like we are functional together.
But he was my best friend. I loved him. There's still a space for him in me. Things remind me of him and I think of all the best times we had. Just laying next to him, holding his hand and hearing him breathe...it made me whole and content. I can't even begin to enumerate the memories of him that are crammed in my head. They're all soft-focus and happy and beautiful.
So what if this is it?
God, I hate how I can never just stick with a decision. Letting go of people is like pulling teeth for me.
(Of course, this is all making the rather brash assumption that he would have anything to do with me again.)
edit, 11:08 pm- I just signed off. Fuck this.