(no subject)
i need to...please...
"Remember...you promised me...im dying."
The sky was flooded with clouds when he first opened his eyes
The world so new and yet seemed so old
Lost in a million words expressed in a uncouth matter
Waiting for the answers to unfold.
His heart was eaten by sadness when he was a child
Screaming silently for a resolution
Holding his mother tightly
Trying to keep calm and mild.
Golden songs and ivory eyes
Singing a beautiful tune in the ear of this child
Speaking a million cold, dark lies
So many regrets
Haunting him as he sleeps
It�s not his fault
He tells the people as he weeps
Is it worth it?
But, it must be
Dealing with all his shit
Hiding behind that fucking tree
Give him a smile
For the sake of life
Hold him, just for a while
Tell him everything is all right
Guide him, for he is lost
Give him hope
Stop him from being tossed
He loves you
You knew he did
He kissed your hand
He forgot that you had hid
Beneath the cold sky
Singing softly
A sweet lullaby
Don�t run from his arms
Please don�t abandon him now
He needs you
He needs a kiss right now
His heart is true
Just hold him
If only for a little while
Kiss him, hold him
Give him one last fucking smile
--
"...people stared at the makeup on his face, laughed at his long black hair, his animal grace..."
"...fuck you, fuck you for saying you understand, fuck you for saying your sorry, fuck you for trying to help, fuck you for being honest because I love you lies..."
goodnight brothers.
--
I hope you wont tell on me..id give you anything..
--
Current mood: cynical
Current music: ...........i see.........
........i am beyond fake..one day you will ache like i ache...
GOD-I LOVE YOUR LIES: PART 2
Rainy days of summer
Clouding up my eyes
Your amazing voice
Your heavenly lies.
Oh you, with your pretty little face
Searching for some eternal grace
Coming to my cries
Comforting me with your lies
I almost forgot your razor sharp lips
Kissing me
Draining me with tiny sips
Fuck you, gorgeous
Fuck you, my pretty one
Fuck your sympothetic eyes
Fuck your beautiful lies
--
goodness!
What a purductive week this has been. Started work...its alright i supose...there is some damn fine nachoes that I indulged in and free coffee, but you have to deal with fishy water :( Finnally this little 'experience' with amanda is over. I mean, dont get me wrong, she is a cool girl I suppose, not by any means a BAD person, she is just really fucked up and confused....whatever....
--
Silly little thing...
depressedyouth
2002-05-13 10:16 pm UTC (link)
Don't be depressed... just look at how pretty everything is..
..a crazy cripple? LOL you ARE smashed arent ya!
--
Current mood: peaceful
Current music: hmm.
oh...sweet nothing...
Whenever im alone with you
You make me feel like im home again
Whenever Im alone with you
You make me feel like im young again
How ever far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
You make me feel like im free again
--
A labyrinth of songs played in your eyes
Entrancing me with your deep, cruel lies
Why dont you watch me anymore?
I feel ive finally hit the core.
Goodnight, now your gone
These nights too sad, the days too long
Dont fly into the clouds without me
Dont break and and become free
Without me by your side
I thought you were mine.
--
"In hell the blinded eyes can see the chaos"
"He screamed silently into the dark night. The inevitable had once more surprised him and it hurt much more than any other pain that had plauged him in his short life. He didnt understand, he culd understand. All the feelings had combined into a colage of confusion that haunted him. He tried deperetely to convince himself that all this wasnt true, that his tears could erase what was, and chage it into whatr wasnt. Once again that beautiful gate into the world of beauty and vanished into darkness's sacred vault forever. The thought dwelled in his empty mind for days and yet he came to absolution. Please, please, dont say that this is true, that this is how life will be.....No! I cant bear this pain any longer, give me what i need. No misery no lonliess is worth you. And I wait............."
--
"Its only forever, not long at all....lost and lonely....no one can blame you for walking away, to much rejection, no live injection. Life cant be easy, its not always swell, dont tell me truth hurts little girl, cause it hurts like hell..."
"Its such a sad love...deep in your eyes, it kind of paled you, open and close, within your eyes. Such a fools heart, beating so fast, a love that will last, within your heart, ill place the moon. .."
"How you turn my world you precious thing, you starving near exhausts me, everything ive done ive done for you,i move the stars for no one. Youve run so long, youve run so far. Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel, oh i do believe in you, yes I do. Live without the sunlight...love without your heartbeat, i cant live within you.."
(Post a new comment)
Hehe...
depressedyouth
2002-05-24 01:36 pm UTC (link)
Why are you so enthralled, little one? :p
(Reply to this)(Thread)
Re: Hehe...
gimmedanger071
2002-05-24 03:49 pm UTC (link)
oh....why, it has been so long since I have heard from you my dear little Amanda, what has preocupied you all thise time my little dear?
(Reply to this)(Parent)
--
"we are living in the town, the sun is coming up and its going down, but its all just the same at the end of the day....and we cheat, and we lie, no body says its wrong so we dont ask why....were throwing it all away. If you need me, something i can give, you know id help you if i can, if your honest and you say what you did you know id give you my hand, or a sad song in a lonely place, ill try to put a word in for you..."
--
"In the shadows....of tall buildings
Of fallen angels in the ceiling
Beautiful vails of bronze and concrete
Faded colors, peices left incomplete
The lines moves slowly between the electric fence
Across the boarders....between the continetes
In the cathedrals of new york and rome
There is a feeling you should just go home
and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the shadows of tall building
The architecture is constantly peeling
its all violot
someone is watching all the outsiders
Through the numbered gates
The mosaic of the head of state
There is a feeling that you should just go home
In the shadows of tall building
Of open arches, endlessly knelling...."
"The labyrinth of ice painted branches webbed an amazing hand reaching elndlessly toward the garish sky so rich with brilliant stars and shades of pale blue. The ground is cold, the grace has fallen and all the birds have gone to sleep and yet she wonders everlasting through the maze awaiting the sun to blossom from the deep horizon and spread another day over her cruel earth, she smiles at the thought of it. Nothing seems to occupy her mind anymore accept that beautiful feeling of a new day that is present before her eyes where anything is possible. Then she feel, her strength has abandoned her soft body leaving her weak and helplless, yet she shows no sadness. Her smile is still resilliant showing the proud livery of all in this world that is truely beautiful. She is going to die, the soft light of life, the beautiful clouds of breathe are leaviing her soft lips, but she still awaits the sun to arise, for another day, and all is gone, and yet she stays waiting and hoping forever."
--
Current mood: dorky
Current music: Crazy Train- Ozzy Osbourne
Well.....
Yeah...... Amanda is being quite the strange little girl. Everything is a tad confusing around here. I really want to bleach my hair but my hair is black so its going to take a lot of bleach.
(Post a new comment)
@`-,`--------
depressedyouth
2002-04-22 11:19 pm UTC (link)
Rarrrrr! You better watch it or I'll make ye walk the plank in with all the other bad ones
...you're pretty though so ill let you walk the fancy plank with all kinds of glimmering sterdy things on it..
::blows kiss::
--
Another day, another night
Another battle
Another lost fight
Sucking on a cigarette
And sipping the stolen bottle of booze
Dwelling in regret
Does he really have anything left to lose?
Wanting the unkeepable
Longing for the denied
Reaching for his desires
He sleeps undefined
Fuck you empty soul
Fuck your sympathetic attempts
Crawling into your lonly little bed
feeling nothing but not being content
Why should you deserve more?
Your praying to a dead god
Afraid of lifes blood and gore
Keeping away of realities fog
Watching people come and go
Slipping into the dark
Have you ever felt so low..
As watching the ones you love
Come and go
--
its not what you thought
when you first began it,
You got what you want,
Now, you can hardly stand it though, but now you know,
Its not going to stop
Its not going to stop, till you wise up...
Youll show there's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think one drink
Will shrink you till your underground and living down
But its not going to stop
Its not going to stop
Its not going to stop till' you wise up.
Prepare a list for what you need
Before you sign away the deed
cause its not going to stop
till you wise up
No its not going to stop,
So just give up...
--
Current mood: rejected
God, I love your lies....
Wasted and wounded
It aint what the moon did
I got what i paid for now.
See ya tomorrow
Hey, frank, can I borrow,
A couple of bucks from you?
To go waltzing Matilda
You, go waltzing Matilda with me.
Im an innocent victim
Of a blinded ally
And Im tired of all these soilders here
No one speaks english, and everything is broken
And my stacies are soaking wet to go...
Waltzing Matilda
You go waltzing matilda with me.
Now the dogs are barking
The taxi cabs parking
Alot they can do for me
Ive been you to stab me
You tore my shirt open
Now im on my knees tonight
Oh bushmills ive staggard
Youve buried the dagger
Your Sillouete window light...
To go waltzing Matilda
Waltzing Matilda, you, go waltzing Matilda with me.
Now, ive lost my St. Christopher
Now that Ive kissed her
And the one armed bandit knows
The maverick chinamen in the cold blooded signes
And the girls down by the strip-tease shows go
Waltzing Matilda, you go waltzing Matilda with me
I dont want you sympathy
Fugitives Say
The streets arent for dreaming now
Man slaughtered dragnets
And the ghost the sells memories
They want a peice of the action anyhow, go..
Waltzing Matilda, you, go waltzing Matilda with me
You can ask any sailor
The keys from the jailer
And the old men in wheel chairs now
Matilda is the defendant
Shes killed about a hundred
And she follows wherever you may go
Waltzing Matilda
Its a battered old suitcase
To a hotel someplace
And a wound that will never heal
No pre-modanna
The perfume is on
An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
ANd goodnight to the street keepers
The night watchmen flame keepers
And goodnight to Matilda too....
--
"Sometimes i get so sad.
Sometimes i feel almost heavenly
But baby, I feel mad
Yeah, lately I just feel mad.
Linger on......your pale blue eyes.
Linger on......your pale blue eyes.
Its good what we did yesterday
And id do it again
The fact that you are insane
Only proves that your my best friend,
Well, ill never fuck anyone else again.
Linger on....your pale blue eyes
Linger on....your pale blue eyes
I saw you as my mast guitar
I saw you as my peak
I thought of you as everything I had and I couldn't keep.
Yeah, that I had but I couldnt keep.
Linger on.....your pale blue eyes.
Linger on.....your pale blue eyes.
You explode inside of me
You explode my heart
I never had been anywhere,
You are where I start.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes."
Farewell brothers.
--
AHHHH!!
Im at school right now..it is 1:40....i want to go home!!!!!!!!!! I wonder what Amanda is doing, I probibly wont see for for at least a week...life is so damn boring right now.......TOMMOROWS MY BRITHDAY! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.....right......school sucks
hahahaha.....well brother, i willl talk to thee later.
(Post a new comment)
@`-,`--------
depressedyouth
2002-04-23 11:38 pm UTC (link)
I miss you so much.. I hope its not a week...it almost has been already
--
Current mood: nostalgic
Current music: Craig Armstrong-final score
oh..gimme danger little stranger...
well.......boredom...amanda was chillin with mary earlier...hmmm........grace is a swell girl....hmmm.....my birthday is in less that 2 hours....no one cares....well thats fine.....night.
(Post a new comment)
@`-,`--------
depressedyouth
2002-04-24 12:18 pm UTC (link)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
So, now that you are an old man... what will you do with all the little rascals of the kennebunk schools? Beat them? Make nice nice? Or even... scent them all with "indian spice".
Ohh the third one sounds yummy..
Well anyways.. I hope you get lots of cool stuff...and that I can see you, someday ::cries::
I love you..
~amanda
--
Current mood: annoyed
Current music: Iggy Pop
..........
New Years was awful.
This time last year I was with Amanda...and its not so much that I miss her...I mean, the whole thing was fucked up anyway, I mean..looking back I dont think I ever loved her...it was more symbolic than anything else. I mean, I was so torn at that point and I dont think I have gotton much better.
"Looking back, I dont think I ever really loved her...but I cry when I think that she didn't love me"
--
[[ I LOVE ]]: Words, language, conversations, over-hearing conversations, people articulating thoughts. Paint, the smell of paint, art work, the thought of someone creating art. Kissing, peoples lips, peoples eyes, peoples hands, irrational thoughts and splurts of emotion. wondering, thinking, disecting facts, questioning rules, rebelion, running away, being with someone that you shouldnt be with, thinking thigns you shoiuldnt be thinking about. kissing someone you shouldnt be kissing, fighting to be together, giving up anything for somone, doing anything for someone, running in the rain for someone, loud music that makes you feel like your going to cry, moving on, staying behind, forgetting, remember, realizing, ignoring, love, hatred.
--
"laugh and sing, but while where apart dont give your heart to anyone"
--
WHO DO YOU WANT TO
3.get really wasted with: Amdanda
LAST PERSON YOU...AND WHEN?
1.touched: my sister
2.talked to: my sister
3.hugged: sara
4.instant messaged: bryan? i don't know
5.kissed: ...amanda
6.who broke your heart: amanda
HAVE YOU EVER
1.Dated one of your best friends? yes
2.Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? yes
18.Come close to dying? thrice :)
22.Swam in the ocean? yup
23.Had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up? many times
29. First item you'd buy if money was no object: a studio apartment
39. Flower: roses
48. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 24 years? Living in a studio apartment in some city, probibly drinking too much.
53. Friend who lives farthest away? Amanda
--
Im in the corner with my coffee
At the dream cafe.
I walk around
Some ancient city
Write in my notebook
And drink my tea
Dont have to make love
Cuz love made me
And I'll be happy...
Just by myself.
--
Current mood: SHES SO SADLY BEAUTIFUL
Current music: the replacements
"All the things I wanted from you...I never could express"
I am speaking with Amanda...I think 'akward' is the only word to describe it.
Fear cannot touch me...
It can only taunt me,
it cannot take me,
just tell me
where to go...
I can either follow,
or stay in my bed...
I can hold on to the
things that I know...
The dead stay dead,
they cannot walk.
The shadows are
darkness.
And darkness
cannot talk.
I hate it here...in this house, in this town, in this state. Im losing my mind her...i want to vanish
--
Current mood: abandoned
Current music: John Doe
how hideously beautiful
I sit here and I read her words and try to understand what she is TRUELY saying, but I cant. Why does everyone in this world have to be so fucked up?
I dont really have anything to say.
-adam
--
Amanda, need I say more? Im tired, im tired of trying anything with her, she lies and she cheats and...i dont know. god knows i love her to death, but im not going to put up with her bullshit. Shes in New York, everything should be fine, but she has this way of almost *minipulating* you into having feelings for her. I forget about her then she does SOMETHING.
--
Current mood: lonely
Current music: Philip Glass
_-~o0O0o~-_
"I am dying in this town. If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and only I can know. Only I can know my condition."
--
The other day I was at the new school and I was in the office reading something and there was all these people around me and then all of a sudden my hands started to shake and my eyes watered. it scared the hell out of me...but it quickly went away.
"She" is still there, in my mind always (no, i dont hear voices, hah) God, I wish shed go away forever, and at the same time I dont want her to ever leave....but I guess in many ways she already has. Ahh, fuck it.
We have these state of the union type conversation and we evaluate everything and then she just dissappears and I dont hear from her for weeks.
AHHH! THIS BULLSHIT IS DRIVING ME MAD!
"Sometimes I think I am only staying alive to satisfy you."
"Well, thats what we do. Thats what people do...we stay alive for eachother."
"Thats debatable."
--
Things are finally cleared out with amanda, thank god. we decided to not talk to eachother and that, i think, is a very good thing. I love her to death, ya know? But she is obviously going through a lot of bullshit right now, and i wish her the best.
--
The song "Sadly Beautiful" by the Replacements is so pretty and sad...ive been listening to it over and over.
I feel much more clear...or clearer than I have been anyway. I am beginning to look at everything differantly and in a whole new perspective.
I have discover the following: Most people are usually in it for themselves (underline MOST, meaning not everyone, but a good amount.) They will say what they want to to make themselves happy. For instance, when they are around you and their lonely they will tell you how much they love you and miss you, and then when they dont need you and their with someone else theyll forget you, and not even care how much they may hurt you. And when you confront them with how cruel they're being, they tell you they dont want to talk to you anymore. And no, this is not some heartbroken little sad boy who is wallowing in jelously, honestly I couldnt care less what SHE does...what hurts is that I trusted her and wanted everything to be *fine* and then she back stabbed me.
BLAH - I dont even care, when she is over whatever the fuck it is shes doing, ill be here for her, if she wants to talk. But im not going to fight it anymore.
--
REMEMBER WHEN WE DRANK WINE?
IM SORRY WE NEVER HAD A HOME
BABY, IM SO ALONE
DONT GO...DONT GO AWAY
THERE WAS SO MUCH PAIN
WITHOUT YOU
NOW LIFE DOSENT SEEM...
THE WAY IT USE TO
IM SO SORRY
LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU
IM SORRY, IM SORRY, IM SORRY....
CAN YOU SEE THAT I LOVE YOU?
DONT GO...DONT GO AWAY
DONT GO...DONT GO AWAY.
::shudders::
I slept at my sisters new apartment in portland, yup, right off congress street....yup, some wonderful memories came back...memories I really didnt want to remember.
fuck....
-adam
--
Current mood: apathetic
Current music: with someone like you, I can spend my lifetime trying to...
*~*~walking in t he snowy street, let me understand...
Drifting down a silent park
Stumbling over land
~*~
Open up your heart to me, show me who you are.
...I would be your slave.
~*~
I am so tired of akward silences.
They fill my mind when im with you
I wish that I could tell you
what Im going through
Stop trying to hurt me, love
My blood is too tired to spill
My heart is already shattered
My mind is the only thing youve left to kill
--
See how we are
We gotta keep bars between us,
See how we are?
There are seven kinds of coke
500 kinda of cigarettes
Well, we dont give a damn
See how we are?
Love does change you. Whether it simply enhances who you already are, or makes you a completely different person, finding someone whose love personality compliments your own makes for the longest, happiest relationships
--
Lately I have been reading Amandas journal and when I used to talk to her and I have realized that she is growing more and ore boring and completely unintelligent. I am not, by any means, saying this as an insult. I love that girl to death, and that is why it is so heart breaking...because when she was here I remember her as intelligent, inciteful, creative, idealistic and very philosophical(sp?) but now when I read her journal all this is gone and she is completely boring and all she talks about is ::weed:: and her theories about it. I knew New York would change her...but I didnt think it would ultimatly steal her mind.
--
Current mood: aggravated
Current music: "You are someone else, I am still right here."
_-~"Horrible people with pretty eyes"~-_
I really have nothing to say.
Im just very tired of all these annoying memories that i cant forget.
...my stomach hurts.
::shudders::
In the shadows of tall buildings
Of fallen angels on the ceilings
Oily feathers in bronze and concrete
Faded colors, pieces left incomplete
--
Adam (gimmedanger071) wrote,
@ 2003-02-17 23:56:00
Current mood: confused
Current music: ............................................................
...im going to regret this.
I remember sitting on top of the roof.
I do not, exactly, remember what brought me up there. I do, vaguely, remember a party of sorts. Family and friends mingled around a television set. I remember seeing her, and asking her if she?d like to go outside. But I do not, however, recall how I got the idea to go onto the roof.
Regardless, there we were. It must have been early November. The sky was clear and every single glorious little star was radiant in the black sky. The air was cold, but not unbearably so. As I lay there I realized that the girl lying next to me was almost a complete stranger. I had met her a few times before, brief moments, brief conversations, but I did not, by any means, know her.
Most of what happened in that brief amount of time (an hour? Maybe less?) is not completely clear. What I do remember vividly was the wine that I had poured into an old soda can. I remember the taste so well?cheap convienience store wine mixed with warm, flat cola.
I remember the conversation we had. I had opened myself to her in a way I had never before in my life. I was never an outspoken person. I kept almost anything personal as private as possible. But, for unknown reasons, in this case I let it all come out. I described, in detail, my memories and my life. My experiences and the pains and lessons that, I suppose, every adolescent goes through at one time or another. And she confided in me her secrets, her pains and regrets.
I remember her asking me to elaborate on my feelings. ?It?s is so confusing!? she laughed.
?Well? I searched for the right words, ?I feel like I am in this giant forest and I am surrounded by all of the big trees. In front of me are many paths that lead in all directions. Part of my wants to just sit in the middle, to not do anything and just sleep forever and ever. But the other, larger, part of me wants desperately to go exploring. To search and try to find happiness, or at least find complacency.?
For a few moments she tried to understand what I had said, when I myself could barely understand it. But finally, after a few minutes, she replied, ?Well?maybe you just need help, you know? Like?maybe you don?t have to search by yourself.?
And that is all I remember. There are other vague recollections, but nothing of any importance.
Part of me wants nothing more that to forget this night. To convince myself that it is only a trivial part of my life and that it would be in my best interest to block it from my mind.
But I can?t help but think about it. When I am trying to fall asleep at night, or in the dreadful daylight surrounded by distant voices?it is at these times that I want nothing more than to be up there again.
--
......
I hate you...
I hate you...
I hope it's worth it for you. I hope everything is so fucking wonderful for you.
...I want it to stop
Im sorry, im being an idiot.
-adam
--
Current mood: artistic
Current music: this is really happening
::shudders::
I wonder how people can stand it.
Isn't it pretty, the way you lie?
Isn't it great, how you forget me?
The why you sigh.
Isnt it nice, how easily you forget
How you forget all those things that hurt
I envy you, baby, I really do
I wish I could lie and forget everything too
but I cant, that much is clear
I cant erase everything I fear
Oh, darling, with yout lipstick smeared
Your cigartte painted with your pretty red
I never thought you could forget the things we'd said
Oh, baby, how is that wine?
How does it feel to pretend its all fine?
I wish I could be like you
I wish my heart could so easily be minipulated
i wish I could forget you
I wish You hit me or made me cry
So id have reason to let "us" die
Oh, baby, how does that ciagarette feel
As it swims through yout mind
Thank you for lying
Your all too kind
by Adam
--
Current mood: crushed
Current music: ((<
"You are someone else, I am still right here..."
Faith pours from your walls, drowning your calls
I've tried to hear you're not near
Remembering when I saw your face
Shining my way, pure timing
Now I've fallen in deep, slow silent sleep
It's killing me, I'm dying
Now this slick fallen rift came like a gift
Your body moves ever nearer
and you will dry this tear now that we're here
And grieve for me not history
But now I'm dry of thoughts wait for the rain
Then it's replaced, sun's setting
and suddenly you're in love with everything
How quickly it all went away
It is like a dream now
Did you really say that? I swear you did
Did we walk together? I know we did
But like the ivory rain, everything inevitibly stopped
I tried to hide my feelings, but I always get caught
Where did it go? that feeling that we had...
I try to tell myself "it isnt so bad"
--
Put on my best sunday dress
and walk straigt into this mess of mine
I put on my best sunday dress
And walk straight into the mess
And watching your burn...
watching you burn...
Oh, Pale blue eyes so young
Pale blue eyes so far away
Watch me with his sorrow
Forgive of this place
And ive come here to confess
To the wind, and the rain and the glorious blame
I come here all undressed
For the numb and the dumb, oh say the name
Watching you burn
PALE BLUE EYES SO DUMB
PALE BLUE EYES SO FAR AWAY
TAKE HIM TO THE RIVER
FORGET US ALL
--
She's never on anymore...
Tender is the knife
Lying by your side
Tender is the touch
Of someone you love too much
The demons go away
I need to find someone who can hear my mind.
--
"Hes got nicotine stains in his eyes
Hes got nothing to protect but his pride
His cigarette traces a ladder.."
SHE is still there...damn her.
--
!^*?how could someone touch you every day, and stay beyond your reach?*^!
"Perhaps I should cut the tie" <-- ::shudders::
And I will await your highness
I am so high I cannot walk
And I will await..
You cripple, you take away my time, my peace, my empathy
No babies sleep at astrophy
Your unborn love...
--
Current mood: drained
Current music: silence
fallen angels in the ceilings.
She was cut with ivory thoughts
Crimson lips and forgetful eyes
I held her in all her grace
A million memories i could never face
Halos of questions seem unbearibly lost
I wish I could answer your pretty lies
I wish I could cut these unsavory ties
You, with your gorgous eyes
Statuesque hands that hold my words
never let go.
And I cry...
And no one can hear
In hell...the blinded eyes can see the chaos
Bring the pitiful to me, even though im wide awake
I will, in blackest night
I wait for you
Its cold in here, theres no one left
I wait for you, nothing stops it happening
and I knew...
Id cherish all my misery alone.
And I wait, staring at the northern star im afraid
It wonbt lead me anywhere
Hes so cold, he will ruin the world tonight
All the angels kneeling toward the norther lights
Kneeling to the frozen lights
And they paid...i cry and cry for you
ghost that haunt you with their sorrows
I cried cause you were doomed
Praying to the world that swallows all thats cold and cruel
can you see the tree's tyranny and gratitude?
They run to the pines
Its black in here, blot out the sun
Run to the pines, our misery runs wild and free
and I knew, the fire and the ashes of his grace
and I wait, starring at the norther star im afraid
It wont lead you very far
Hes so cold, he will win the world tonight
all the angels kneeling toward the forzen lights
Feel their hearts, they're cold and white
AND I WANT YOU
AND BLESSED ARE THE BROKEN HEAD
I BEG YOU
NO LONLIESS, NO MISERY IS WORTH YOU
I TEAR HIS HEART OUT COLD AS ICE
ITS MINE.
And i wait, praying to the norhtern star
raining on the world tonihgt
all the angels kneeling toward the norhtern light
AND I PRAY, BEGGING TO THE NORTHERN STAR
IM AFRAID IT WONT LEAD YOU ANYWHERE
HES SO COLD, HE WILL RULE THE WORLD TONIGHT.
--
Current mood: aggravated
Current music: Be A Man - Hole
THE TOUCH OF SOMEONE THAT YOU LOVE TOO MUCH.
"The pain...the demons go away"
ANGRY-NESS: The only boy I understand
The one ashamed to be a man
Just rape the world
Because you can
That's what it takes
To be a man
Well, knock her up
Just slap her hand
Prove it to me just be a man
I think I can
I think I can
I'm big enough to be a man
Tell you the truth
I'm jealous yeah
Give anything to be a man
Be a man
So impotent
Be a man
Ohh...
Take off your dress
Your master plan
Give anything
Just be a man
Oh cut it off
Of course you can
Got what it takes
To be a man
Go rape us all
Just 'cause you can
Well give it up
Just be a man
The fucking wars
The carnage yeah
Give anything
To be a man
Cut it off
I know you can
'Cause no one cares if you're a man
--
Current mood: indifferent
Current music: Take This Waltz - Leonard Cohen
You burn my heart with a flickering torch
"Theres a tree where the doves go to die"
How you turn my world you precious thing
You starve me near exhausting
Everything ive done ive done for you
I move the stars for no one
Youve run so long, youve run so far
Your eyes can be so cruel
Just as I can be so cruel
Oh I do believe in you
Yes I do....
Live without the sunlight
Love without your heart beat
I cant live within you.
You never showed me the way to your beautiful mind and let me see through all the lies
You pushed me with agonizing softness
You left me to die without a moments remorse
And now your gone and all hope has left too
God, I cant even remember what was and wasn't true.
You took that from me, when you ran away
You stole my thoughts, my pain, my empathy
You took the light from my eyes and never looked back
You are so far away, all you want to do is forget
Forget, look away, neglect
I remember the lies you told with such passionate cruelty
You really thought i'd never see.
But, I have, I have seen
I see past your pretty lies and beautiful minipulations
I see everything
I remember everything
I cant neglect, and I cant forget, I cant move past or erase
I try to block it out,
But in the end I always see your face.
-Adam
--
Current mood: apathetic
please
This is the next century
Where the universals free
You can find it anywhere
Yes the future's been sold
Every night we're gone
And to Karaoke songs
How we like to sing along
Though the words are wrong
It really really really could happen
Yes it really really really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Just let them go
No one here is alone
Satellites in every home
Yes the universals here
Here for everyone
Every paper that you read
Says tomorrow your lucky day
Well here's your lucky day
It really really really could happen
Yes it really really really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Just let them go
Well it really really really could happen
Yes it really really really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Just let them go
Just let them go
Just let them go
--
Current mood: annoyed
Current music: Ninja Turtle Howling.
Always the time between us...;
Its been over a year...
My birthday is in a few days...im trying to look forward to it...i dont know, im excited, but at the same time when I think back last years I was so shitty, and now one year later nothing seems to have gotten better. I dont know..it lame.
Its just your garden variety bullshit.
She was cut with ivory thoughts
Crimson lips and forgetful eyes
I held her in all her grace
A million memories i could never face
Halos of questions seem unbearibly lost
I wish I could answer your pretty lies
I wish I could cut these unsavory ties
You, with your gorgous eyes
Statuesque hands that hold my words
never let go.
--
Current mood: artistic
Current music: Looking so long.
Its the ache inside when it all burns out...
And they said you were someone I should never scrutinize
They all said how laughible you were
They all told me why you were wrong
Why you lied with such passionate sincerety
And they all admitted how manipulative you were
They all told me you were shit
They told me why you were the way you were
And the told me to never ask why
And they talked about your past
And they tried to open my eyes
And they all laughed
I suppose I should have believed them
They will make you so, so cynical
the fire burns the flesh;
destroys the best that made our souls
She's the grace of this world
She's too pure
For the likes of this world
this world is a whore
oh, it's all mine
yeah, hey, it's all mine
I never knew what I could be
oh the darling buds of May
they fall with no sound
they carry you down
All the lilies bloomed and blossomed
Wilted and they're shivering
I can't stop their withering
Oh, this world is a war
--
PUT ON MY BEST SUNDAY DRESS
AND I WALK STRAIGHT INTO THIS MESS OF MINE
i PUT ON MY BEST SUNDAY DRESS
AND I WALK STRAIHGT INTO THIS MESS
AND IM WATCHING YOU BURN UP
WATCHING YOU BURN UP
OH, PALE BLUE EYES SO YOUNG
PALE BLUE EYES SO FAR AWAY
WASH ME WITH HIS SORROW
FORGIVE, ME ALL HIS PAIN
AND IVE COME HERE TO CONFESS
TO THE WIND AND RAIN THE GLORIOUS FLAME
AND IVE COME HERE ALL UNDRESSED
FOR THE NUMB AND THE DUMB
OH SAY THE NAME THAT YOU BURN UP
WATCHING YOU BURN UP
WATCHINING YOU BURN
--
"Remember...you promised me...im dying."
The sky was flooded with clouds when he first opened his eyes
The world so new and yet seemed so old
Lost in a million words expressed in a uncouth matter
Waiting for the answers to unfold.
His heart was eaten by sadness when he was a child
Screaming silently for a resolution
Holding his mother tightly
Trying to keep calm and mild.
Golden songs and ivory eyes
Singing a beautiful tune in the ear of this child
Speaking a million cold, dark lies
So many regrets
Haunting him as he sleeps
It�s not his fault
He tells the people as he weeps
Is it worth it?
But, it must be
Dealing with all his shit
Hiding behind that fucking tree
Give him a smile
For the sake of life
Hold him, just for a while
Tell him everything is all right
Guide him, for he is lost
Give him hope
Stop him from being tossed
He loves you
You knew he did
He kissed your hand
He forgot that you had hid
Beneath the cold sky
Singing softly
A sweet lullaby
Don�t run from his arms
Please don�t abandon him now
He needs you
He needs a kiss right now
His heart is true
Just hold him
If only for a little while
Kiss him, hold him
Give him one last fucking smile
--
"...people stared at the makeup on his face, laughed at his long black hair, his animal grace..."
"...fuck you, fuck you for saying you understand, fuck you for saying your sorry, fuck you for trying to help, fuck you for being honest because I love you lies..."
goodnight brothers.
--
I hope you wont tell on me..id give you anything..
--
Current mood: cynical
Current music: ...........i see.........
........i am beyond fake..one day you will ache like i ache...
GOD-I LOVE YOUR LIES: PART 2
Rainy days of summer
Clouding up my eyes
Your amazing voice
Your heavenly lies.
Oh you, with your pretty little face
Searching for some eternal grace
Coming to my cries
Comforting me with your lies
I almost forgot your razor sharp lips
Kissing me
Draining me with tiny sips
Fuck you, gorgeous
Fuck you, my pretty one
Fuck your sympothetic eyes
Fuck your beautiful lies
--
goodness!
What a purductive week this has been. Started work...its alright i supose...there is some damn fine nachoes that I indulged in and free coffee, but you have to deal with fishy water :( Finnally this little 'experience' with amanda is over. I mean, dont get me wrong, she is a cool girl I suppose, not by any means a BAD person, she is just really fucked up and confused....whatever....
--
Silly little thing...
depressedyouth
2002-05-13 10:16 pm UTC (link)
Don't be depressed... just look at how pretty everything is..
..a crazy cripple? LOL you ARE smashed arent ya!
--
Current mood: peaceful
Current music: hmm.
oh...sweet nothing...
Whenever im alone with you
You make me feel like im home again
Whenever Im alone with you
You make me feel like im young again
How ever far away, I will always love you
However long I stay, I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
You make me feel like im free again
--
A labyrinth of songs played in your eyes
Entrancing me with your deep, cruel lies
Why dont you watch me anymore?
I feel ive finally hit the core.
Goodnight, now your gone
These nights too sad, the days too long
Dont fly into the clouds without me
Dont break and and become free
Without me by your side
I thought you were mine.
--
"In hell the blinded eyes can see the chaos"
"He screamed silently into the dark night. The inevitable had once more surprised him and it hurt much more than any other pain that had plauged him in his short life. He didnt understand, he culd understand. All the feelings had combined into a colage of confusion that haunted him. He tried deperetely to convince himself that all this wasnt true, that his tears could erase what was, and chage it into whatr wasnt. Once again that beautiful gate into the world of beauty and vanished into darkness's sacred vault forever. The thought dwelled in his empty mind for days and yet he came to absolution. Please, please, dont say that this is true, that this is how life will be.....No! I cant bear this pain any longer, give me what i need. No misery no lonliess is worth you. And I wait............."
--
"Its only forever, not long at all....lost and lonely....no one can blame you for walking away, to much rejection, no live injection. Life cant be easy, its not always swell, dont tell me truth hurts little girl, cause it hurts like hell..."
"Its such a sad love...deep in your eyes, it kind of paled you, open and close, within your eyes. Such a fools heart, beating so fast, a love that will last, within your heart, ill place the moon. .."
"How you turn my world you precious thing, you starving near exhausts me, everything ive done ive done for you,i move the stars for no one. Youve run so long, youve run so far. Your eyes can be so cruel, just as I can be so cruel, oh i do believe in you, yes I do. Live without the sunlight...love without your heartbeat, i cant live within you.."
(Post a new comment)
Hehe...
depressedyouth
2002-05-24 01:36 pm UTC (link)
Why are you so enthralled, little one? :p
(Reply to this)(Thread)
Re: Hehe...
gimmedanger071
2002-05-24 03:49 pm UTC (link)
oh....why, it has been so long since I have heard from you my dear little Amanda, what has preocupied you all thise time my little dear?
(Reply to this)(Parent)
--
"we are living in the town, the sun is coming up and its going down, but its all just the same at the end of the day....and we cheat, and we lie, no body says its wrong so we dont ask why....were throwing it all away. If you need me, something i can give, you know id help you if i can, if your honest and you say what you did you know id give you my hand, or a sad song in a lonely place, ill try to put a word in for you..."
--
"In the shadows....of tall buildings
Of fallen angels in the ceiling
Beautiful vails of bronze and concrete
Faded colors, peices left incomplete
The lines moves slowly between the electric fence
Across the boarders....between the continetes
In the cathedrals of new york and rome
There is a feeling you should just go home
and spend a lifetime finding out just where that is
In the shadows of tall building
The architecture is constantly peeling
its all violot
someone is watching all the outsiders
Through the numbered gates
The mosaic of the head of state
There is a feeling that you should just go home
In the shadows of tall building
Of open arches, endlessly knelling...."
"The labyrinth of ice painted branches webbed an amazing hand reaching elndlessly toward the garish sky so rich with brilliant stars and shades of pale blue. The ground is cold, the grace has fallen and all the birds have gone to sleep and yet she wonders everlasting through the maze awaiting the sun to blossom from the deep horizon and spread another day over her cruel earth, she smiles at the thought of it. Nothing seems to occupy her mind anymore accept that beautiful feeling of a new day that is present before her eyes where anything is possible. Then she feel, her strength has abandoned her soft body leaving her weak and helplless, yet she shows no sadness. Her smile is still resilliant showing the proud livery of all in this world that is truely beautiful. She is going to die, the soft light of life, the beautiful clouds of breathe are leaviing her soft lips, but she still awaits the sun to arise, for another day, and all is gone, and yet she stays waiting and hoping forever."
--
Current mood: dorky
Current music: Crazy Train- Ozzy Osbourne
Well.....
Yeah...... Amanda is being quite the strange little girl. Everything is a tad confusing around here. I really want to bleach my hair but my hair is black so its going to take a lot of bleach.
(Post a new comment)
@`-,`--------
depressedyouth
2002-04-22 11:19 pm UTC (link)
Rarrrrr! You better watch it or I'll make ye walk the plank in with all the other bad ones
...you're pretty though so ill let you walk the fancy plank with all kinds of glimmering sterdy things on it..
::blows kiss::
--
Another day, another night
Another battle
Another lost fight
Sucking on a cigarette
And sipping the stolen bottle of booze
Dwelling in regret
Does he really have anything left to lose?
Wanting the unkeepable
Longing for the denied
Reaching for his desires
He sleeps undefined
Fuck you empty soul
Fuck your sympathetic attempts
Crawling into your lonly little bed
feeling nothing but not being content
Why should you deserve more?
Your praying to a dead god
Afraid of lifes blood and gore
Keeping away of realities fog
Watching people come and go
Slipping into the dark
Have you ever felt so low..
As watching the ones you love
Come and go
--
its not what you thought
when you first began it,
You got what you want,
Now, you can hardly stand it though, but now you know,
Its not going to stop
Its not going to stop, till you wise up...
Youll show there's a cure
And you have finally found it
You think one drink
Will shrink you till your underground and living down
But its not going to stop
Its not going to stop
Its not going to stop till' you wise up.
Prepare a list for what you need
Before you sign away the deed
cause its not going to stop
till you wise up
No its not going to stop,
So just give up...
--
Current mood: rejected
God, I love your lies....
Wasted and wounded
It aint what the moon did
I got what i paid for now.
See ya tomorrow
Hey, frank, can I borrow,
A couple of bucks from you?
To go waltzing Matilda
You, go waltzing Matilda with me.
Im an innocent victim
Of a blinded ally
And Im tired of all these soilders here
No one speaks english, and everything is broken
And my stacies are soaking wet to go...
Waltzing Matilda
You go waltzing matilda with me.
Now the dogs are barking
The taxi cabs parking
Alot they can do for me
Ive been you to stab me
You tore my shirt open
Now im on my knees tonight
Oh bushmills ive staggard
Youve buried the dagger
Your Sillouete window light...
To go waltzing Matilda
Waltzing Matilda, you, go waltzing Matilda with me.
Now, ive lost my St. Christopher
Now that Ive kissed her
And the one armed bandit knows
The maverick chinamen in the cold blooded signes
And the girls down by the strip-tease shows go
Waltzing Matilda, you go waltzing Matilda with me
I dont want you sympathy
Fugitives Say
The streets arent for dreaming now
Man slaughtered dragnets
And the ghost the sells memories
They want a peice of the action anyhow, go..
Waltzing Matilda, you, go waltzing Matilda with me
You can ask any sailor
The keys from the jailer
And the old men in wheel chairs now
Matilda is the defendant
Shes killed about a hundred
And she follows wherever you may go
Waltzing Matilda
Its a battered old suitcase
To a hotel someplace
And a wound that will never heal
No pre-modanna
The perfume is on
An old shirt that is stained with blood and whiskey
ANd goodnight to the street keepers
The night watchmen flame keepers
And goodnight to Matilda too....
--
"Sometimes i get so sad.
Sometimes i feel almost heavenly
But baby, I feel mad
Yeah, lately I just feel mad.
Linger on......your pale blue eyes.
Linger on......your pale blue eyes.
Its good what we did yesterday
And id do it again
The fact that you are insane
Only proves that your my best friend,
Well, ill never fuck anyone else again.
Linger on....your pale blue eyes
Linger on....your pale blue eyes
I saw you as my mast guitar
I saw you as my peak
I thought of you as everything I had and I couldn't keep.
Yeah, that I had but I couldnt keep.
Linger on.....your pale blue eyes.
Linger on.....your pale blue eyes.
You explode inside of me
You explode my heart
I never had been anywhere,
You are where I start.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes.
Linger on...........your pale blue eyes."
Farewell brothers.
--
AHHHH!!
Im at school right now..it is 1:40....i want to go home!!!!!!!!!! I wonder what Amanda is doing, I probibly wont see for for at least a week...life is so damn boring right now.......TOMMOROWS MY BRITHDAY! MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.....right......school sucks
hahahaha.....well brother, i willl talk to thee later.
(Post a new comment)
@`-,`--------
depressedyouth
2002-04-23 11:38 pm UTC (link)
I miss you so much.. I hope its not a week...it almost has been already
--
Current mood: nostalgic
Current music: Craig Armstrong-final score
oh..gimme danger little stranger...
well.......boredom...amanda was chillin with mary earlier...hmmm........grace is a swell girl....hmmm.....my birthday is in less that 2 hours....no one cares....well thats fine.....night.
(Post a new comment)
@`-,`--------
depressedyouth
2002-04-24 12:18 pm UTC (link)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!
So, now that you are an old man... what will you do with all the little rascals of the kennebunk schools? Beat them? Make nice nice? Or even... scent them all with "indian spice".
Ohh the third one sounds yummy..
Well anyways.. I hope you get lots of cool stuff...and that I can see you, someday ::cries::
I love you..
~amanda
--
Current mood: annoyed
Current music: Iggy Pop
..........
New Years was awful.
This time last year I was with Amanda...and its not so much that I miss her...I mean, the whole thing was fucked up anyway, I mean..looking back I dont think I ever loved her...it was more symbolic than anything else. I mean, I was so torn at that point and I dont think I have gotton much better.
"Looking back, I dont think I ever really loved her...but I cry when I think that she didn't love me"
--
[[ I LOVE ]]: Words, language, conversations, over-hearing conversations, people articulating thoughts. Paint, the smell of paint, art work, the thought of someone creating art. Kissing, peoples lips, peoples eyes, peoples hands, irrational thoughts and splurts of emotion. wondering, thinking, disecting facts, questioning rules, rebelion, running away, being with someone that you shouldnt be with, thinking thigns you shoiuldnt be thinking about. kissing someone you shouldnt be kissing, fighting to be together, giving up anything for somone, doing anything for someone, running in the rain for someone, loud music that makes you feel like your going to cry, moving on, staying behind, forgetting, remember, realizing, ignoring, love, hatred.
--
"laugh and sing, but while where apart dont give your heart to anyone"
--
WHO DO YOU WANT TO
3.get really wasted with: Amdanda
LAST PERSON YOU...AND WHEN?
1.touched: my sister
2.talked to: my sister
3.hugged: sara
4.instant messaged: bryan? i don't know
5.kissed: ...amanda
6.who broke your heart: amanda
HAVE YOU EVER
1.Dated one of your best friends? yes
2.Loved somebody so much it makes you cry? yes
18.Come close to dying? thrice :)
22.Swam in the ocean? yup
23.Had a nightmare/dream that made you wake up? many times
29. First item you'd buy if money was no object: a studio apartment
39. Flower: roses
48. Where do you see yourself in 10 years? 24 years? Living in a studio apartment in some city, probibly drinking too much.
53. Friend who lives farthest away? Amanda
--
Im in the corner with my coffee
At the dream cafe.
I walk around
Some ancient city
Write in my notebook
And drink my tea
Dont have to make love
Cuz love made me
And I'll be happy...
Just by myself.
--
Current mood: SHES SO SADLY BEAUTIFUL
Current music: the replacements
"All the things I wanted from you...I never could express"
I am speaking with Amanda...I think 'akward' is the only word to describe it.
Fear cannot touch me...
It can only taunt me,
it cannot take me,
just tell me
where to go...
I can either follow,
or stay in my bed...
I can hold on to the
things that I know...
The dead stay dead,
they cannot walk.
The shadows are
darkness.
And darkness
cannot talk.
I hate it here...in this house, in this town, in this state. Im losing my mind her...i want to vanish
--
Current mood: abandoned
Current music: John Doe
how hideously beautiful
I sit here and I read her words and try to understand what she is TRUELY saying, but I cant. Why does everyone in this world have to be so fucked up?
I dont really have anything to say.
-adam
--
Amanda, need I say more? Im tired, im tired of trying anything with her, she lies and she cheats and...i dont know. god knows i love her to death, but im not going to put up with her bullshit. Shes in New York, everything should be fine, but she has this way of almost *minipulating* you into having feelings for her. I forget about her then she does SOMETHING.
--
Current mood: lonely
Current music: Philip Glass
_-~o0O0o~-_
"I am dying in this town. If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly? If I were thinking clearly I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and only I can know. Only I can know my condition."
--
The other day I was at the new school and I was in the office reading something and there was all these people around me and then all of a sudden my hands started to shake and my eyes watered. it scared the hell out of me...but it quickly went away.
"She" is still there, in my mind always (no, i dont hear voices, hah) God, I wish shed go away forever, and at the same time I dont want her to ever leave....but I guess in many ways she already has. Ahh, fuck it.
We have these state of the union type conversation and we evaluate everything and then she just dissappears and I dont hear from her for weeks.
AHHH! THIS BULLSHIT IS DRIVING ME MAD!
"Sometimes I think I am only staying alive to satisfy you."
"Well, thats what we do. Thats what people do...we stay alive for eachother."
"Thats debatable."
--
Things are finally cleared out with amanda, thank god. we decided to not talk to eachother and that, i think, is a very good thing. I love her to death, ya know? But she is obviously going through a lot of bullshit right now, and i wish her the best.
--
The song "Sadly Beautiful" by the Replacements is so pretty and sad...ive been listening to it over and over.
I feel much more clear...or clearer than I have been anyway. I am beginning to look at everything differantly and in a whole new perspective.
I have discover the following: Most people are usually in it for themselves (underline MOST, meaning not everyone, but a good amount.) They will say what they want to to make themselves happy. For instance, when they are around you and their lonely they will tell you how much they love you and miss you, and then when they dont need you and their with someone else theyll forget you, and not even care how much they may hurt you. And when you confront them with how cruel they're being, they tell you they dont want to talk to you anymore. And no, this is not some heartbroken little sad boy who is wallowing in jelously, honestly I couldnt care less what SHE does...what hurts is that I trusted her and wanted everything to be *fine* and then she back stabbed me.
BLAH - I dont even care, when she is over whatever the fuck it is shes doing, ill be here for her, if she wants to talk. But im not going to fight it anymore.
--
REMEMBER WHEN WE DRANK WINE?
IM SORRY WE NEVER HAD A HOME
BABY, IM SO ALONE
DONT GO...DONT GO AWAY
THERE WAS SO MUCH PAIN
WITHOUT YOU
NOW LIFE DOSENT SEEM...
THE WAY IT USE TO
IM SO SORRY
LET ME MAKE IT UP TO YOU
IM SORRY, IM SORRY, IM SORRY....
CAN YOU SEE THAT I LOVE YOU?
DONT GO...DONT GO AWAY
DONT GO...DONT GO AWAY.
::shudders::
I slept at my sisters new apartment in portland, yup, right off congress street....yup, some wonderful memories came back...memories I really didnt want to remember.
fuck....
-adam
--
Current mood: apathetic
Current music: with someone like you, I can spend my lifetime trying to...
*~*~walking in t he snowy street, let me understand...
Drifting down a silent park
Stumbling over land
~*~
Open up your heart to me, show me who you are.
...I would be your slave.
~*~
I am so tired of akward silences.
They fill my mind when im with you
I wish that I could tell you
what Im going through
Stop trying to hurt me, love
My blood is too tired to spill
My heart is already shattered
My mind is the only thing youve left to kill
--
See how we are
We gotta keep bars between us,
See how we are?
There are seven kinds of coke
500 kinda of cigarettes
Well, we dont give a damn
See how we are?
Love does change you. Whether it simply enhances who you already are, or makes you a completely different person, finding someone whose love personality compliments your own makes for the longest, happiest relationships
--
Lately I have been reading Amandas journal and when I used to talk to her and I have realized that she is growing more and ore boring and completely unintelligent. I am not, by any means, saying this as an insult. I love that girl to death, and that is why it is so heart breaking...because when she was here I remember her as intelligent, inciteful, creative, idealistic and very philosophical(sp?) but now when I read her journal all this is gone and she is completely boring and all she talks about is ::weed:: and her theories about it. I knew New York would change her...but I didnt think it would ultimatly steal her mind.
--
Current mood: aggravated
Current music: "You are someone else, I am still right here."
_-~"Horrible people with pretty eyes"~-_
I really have nothing to say.
Im just very tired of all these annoying memories that i cant forget.
...my stomach hurts.
::shudders::
In the shadows of tall buildings
Of fallen angels on the ceilings
Oily feathers in bronze and concrete
Faded colors, pieces left incomplete
--
Adam (gimmedanger071) wrote,
@ 2003-02-17 23:56:00
Current mood: confused
Current music: ............................................................
...im going to regret this.
I remember sitting on top of the roof.
I do not, exactly, remember what brought me up there. I do, vaguely, remember a party of sorts. Family and friends mingled around a television set. I remember seeing her, and asking her if she?d like to go outside. But I do not, however, recall how I got the idea to go onto the roof.
Regardless, there we were. It must have been early November. The sky was clear and every single glorious little star was radiant in the black sky. The air was cold, but not unbearably so. As I lay there I realized that the girl lying next to me was almost a complete stranger. I had met her a few times before, brief moments, brief conversations, but I did not, by any means, know her.
Most of what happened in that brief amount of time (an hour? Maybe less?) is not completely clear. What I do remember vividly was the wine that I had poured into an old soda can. I remember the taste so well?cheap convienience store wine mixed with warm, flat cola.
I remember the conversation we had. I had opened myself to her in a way I had never before in my life. I was never an outspoken person. I kept almost anything personal as private as possible. But, for unknown reasons, in this case I let it all come out. I described, in detail, my memories and my life. My experiences and the pains and lessons that, I suppose, every adolescent goes through at one time or another. And she confided in me her secrets, her pains and regrets.
I remember her asking me to elaborate on my feelings. ?It?s is so confusing!? she laughed.
?Well? I searched for the right words, ?I feel like I am in this giant forest and I am surrounded by all of the big trees. In front of me are many paths that lead in all directions. Part of my wants to just sit in the middle, to not do anything and just sleep forever and ever. But the other, larger, part of me wants desperately to go exploring. To search and try to find happiness, or at least find complacency.?
For a few moments she tried to understand what I had said, when I myself could barely understand it. But finally, after a few minutes, she replied, ?Well?maybe you just need help, you know? Like?maybe you don?t have to search by yourself.?
And that is all I remember. There are other vague recollections, but nothing of any importance.
Part of me wants nothing more that to forget this night. To convince myself that it is only a trivial part of my life and that it would be in my best interest to block it from my mind.
But I can?t help but think about it. When I am trying to fall asleep at night, or in the dreadful daylight surrounded by distant voices?it is at these times that I want nothing more than to be up there again.
--
......
I hate you...
I hate you...
I hope it's worth it for you. I hope everything is so fucking wonderful for you.
...I want it to stop
Im sorry, im being an idiot.
-adam
--
Current mood: artistic
Current music: this is really happening
::shudders::
I wonder how people can stand it.
Isn't it pretty, the way you lie?
Isn't it great, how you forget me?
The why you sigh.
Isnt it nice, how easily you forget
How you forget all those things that hurt
I envy you, baby, I really do
I wish I could lie and forget everything too
but I cant, that much is clear
I cant erase everything I fear
Oh, darling, with yout lipstick smeared
Your cigartte painted with your pretty red
I never thought you could forget the things we'd said
Oh, baby, how is that wine?
How does it feel to pretend its all fine?
I wish I could be like you
I wish my heart could so easily be minipulated
i wish I could forget you
I wish You hit me or made me cry
So id have reason to let "us" die
Oh, baby, how does that ciagarette feel
As it swims through yout mind
Thank you for lying
Your all too kind
by Adam
--
Current mood: crushed
Current music: ((<
"You are someone else, I am still right here..."
Faith pours from your walls, drowning your calls
I've tried to hear you're not near
Remembering when I saw your face
Shining my way, pure timing
Now I've fallen in deep, slow silent sleep
It's killing me, I'm dying
Now this slick fallen rift came like a gift
Your body moves ever nearer
and you will dry this tear now that we're here
And grieve for me not history
But now I'm dry of thoughts wait for the rain
Then it's replaced, sun's setting
and suddenly you're in love with everything
How quickly it all went away
It is like a dream now
Did you really say that? I swear you did
Did we walk together? I know we did
But like the ivory rain, everything inevitibly stopped
I tried to hide my feelings, but I always get caught
Where did it go? that feeling that we had...
I try to tell myself "it isnt so bad"
--
Put on my best sunday dress
and walk straigt into this mess of mine
I put on my best sunday dress
And walk straight into the mess
And watching your burn...
watching you burn...
Oh, Pale blue eyes so young
Pale blue eyes so far away
Watch me with his sorrow
Forgive of this place
And ive come here to confess
To the wind, and the rain and the glorious blame
I come here all undressed
For the numb and the dumb, oh say the name
Watching you burn
PALE BLUE EYES SO DUMB
PALE BLUE EYES SO FAR AWAY
TAKE HIM TO THE RIVER
FORGET US ALL
--
She's never on anymore...
Tender is the knife
Lying by your side
Tender is the touch
Of someone you love too much
The demons go away
I need to find someone who can hear my mind.
--
"Hes got nicotine stains in his eyes
Hes got nothing to protect but his pride
His cigarette traces a ladder.."
SHE is still there...damn her.
--
!^*?how could someone touch you every day, and stay beyond your reach?*^!
"Perhaps I should cut the tie" <-- ::shudders::
And I will await your highness
I am so high I cannot walk
And I will await..
You cripple, you take away my time, my peace, my empathy
No babies sleep at astrophy
Your unborn love...
--
Current mood: drained
Current music: silence
fallen angels in the ceilings.
She was cut with ivory thoughts
Crimson lips and forgetful eyes
I held her in all her grace
A million memories i could never face
Halos of questions seem unbearibly lost
I wish I could answer your pretty lies
I wish I could cut these unsavory ties
You, with your gorgous eyes
Statuesque hands that hold my words
never let go.
And I cry...
And no one can hear
In hell...the blinded eyes can see the chaos
Bring the pitiful to me, even though im wide awake
I will, in blackest night
I wait for you
Its cold in here, theres no one left
I wait for you, nothing stops it happening
and I knew...
Id cherish all my misery alone.
And I wait, staring at the northern star im afraid
It wonbt lead me anywhere
Hes so cold, he will ruin the world tonight
All the angels kneeling toward the norther lights
Kneeling to the frozen lights
And they paid...i cry and cry for you
ghost that haunt you with their sorrows
I cried cause you were doomed
Praying to the world that swallows all thats cold and cruel
can you see the tree's tyranny and gratitude?
They run to the pines
Its black in here, blot out the sun
Run to the pines, our misery runs wild and free
and I knew, the fire and the ashes of his grace
and I wait, starring at the norther star im afraid
It wont lead you very far
Hes so cold, he will win the world tonight
all the angels kneeling toward the forzen lights
Feel their hearts, they're cold and white
AND I WANT YOU
AND BLESSED ARE THE BROKEN HEAD
I BEG YOU
NO LONLIESS, NO MISERY IS WORTH YOU
I TEAR HIS HEART OUT COLD AS ICE
ITS MINE.
And i wait, praying to the norhtern star
raining on the world tonihgt
all the angels kneeling toward the norhtern light
AND I PRAY, BEGGING TO THE NORTHERN STAR
IM AFRAID IT WONT LEAD YOU ANYWHERE
HES SO COLD, HE WILL RULE THE WORLD TONIGHT.
--
Current mood: aggravated
Current music: Be A Man - Hole
THE TOUCH OF SOMEONE THAT YOU LOVE TOO MUCH.
"The pain...the demons go away"
ANGRY-NESS: The only boy I understand
The one ashamed to be a man
Just rape the world
Because you can
That's what it takes
To be a man
Well, knock her up
Just slap her hand
Prove it to me just be a man
I think I can
I think I can
I'm big enough to be a man
Tell you the truth
I'm jealous yeah
Give anything to be a man
Be a man
So impotent
Be a man
Ohh...
Take off your dress
Your master plan
Give anything
Just be a man
Oh cut it off
Of course you can
Got what it takes
To be a man
Go rape us all
Just 'cause you can
Well give it up
Just be a man
The fucking wars
The carnage yeah
Give anything
To be a man
Cut it off
I know you can
'Cause no one cares if you're a man
--
Current mood: indifferent
Current music: Take This Waltz - Leonard Cohen
You burn my heart with a flickering torch
"Theres a tree where the doves go to die"
How you turn my world you precious thing
You starve me near exhausting
Everything ive done ive done for you
I move the stars for no one
Youve run so long, youve run so far
Your eyes can be so cruel
Just as I can be so cruel
Oh I do believe in you
Yes I do....
Live without the sunlight
Love without your heart beat
I cant live within you.
You never showed me the way to your beautiful mind and let me see through all the lies
You pushed me with agonizing softness
You left me to die without a moments remorse
And now your gone and all hope has left too
God, I cant even remember what was and wasn't true.
You took that from me, when you ran away
You stole my thoughts, my pain, my empathy
You took the light from my eyes and never looked back
You are so far away, all you want to do is forget
Forget, look away, neglect
I remember the lies you told with such passionate cruelty
You really thought i'd never see.
But, I have, I have seen
I see past your pretty lies and beautiful minipulations
I see everything
I remember everything
I cant neglect, and I cant forget, I cant move past or erase
I try to block it out,
But in the end I always see your face.
-Adam
--
Current mood: apathetic
please
This is the next century
Where the universals free
You can find it anywhere
Yes the future's been sold
Every night we're gone
And to Karaoke songs
How we like to sing along
Though the words are wrong
It really really really could happen
Yes it really really really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Just let them go
No one here is alone
Satellites in every home
Yes the universals here
Here for everyone
Every paper that you read
Says tomorrow your lucky day
Well here's your lucky day
It really really really could happen
Yes it really really really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Just let them go
Well it really really really could happen
Yes it really really really could happen
When the days they seem to fall through you
Just let them go
Just let them go
Just let them go
--
Current mood: annoyed
Current music: Ninja Turtle Howling.
Always the time between us...;
Its been over a year...
My birthday is in a few days...im trying to look forward to it...i dont know, im excited, but at the same time when I think back last years I was so shitty, and now one year later nothing seems to have gotten better. I dont know..it lame.
Its just your garden variety bullshit.
She was cut with ivory thoughts
Crimson lips and forgetful eyes
I held her in all her grace
A million memories i could never face
Halos of questions seem unbearibly lost
I wish I could answer your pretty lies
I wish I could cut these unsavory ties
You, with your gorgous eyes
Statuesque hands that hold my words
never let go.
--
Current mood: artistic
Current music: Looking so long.
Its the ache inside when it all burns out...
And they said you were someone I should never scrutinize
They all said how laughible you were
They all told me why you were wrong
Why you lied with such passionate sincerety
And they all admitted how manipulative you were
They all told me you were shit
They told me why you were the way you were
And the told me to never ask why
And they talked about your past
And they tried to open my eyes
And they all laughed
I suppose I should have believed them
They will make you so, so cynical
the fire burns the flesh;
destroys the best that made our souls
She's the grace of this world
She's too pure
For the likes of this world
this world is a whore
oh, it's all mine
yeah, hey, it's all mine
I never knew what I could be
oh the darling buds of May
they fall with no sound
they carry you down
All the lilies bloomed and blossomed
Wilted and they're shivering
I can't stop their withering
Oh, this world is a war
--
PUT ON MY BEST SUNDAY DRESS
AND I WALK STRAIGHT INTO THIS MESS OF MINE
i PUT ON MY BEST SUNDAY DRESS
AND I WALK STRAIHGT INTO THIS MESS
AND IM WATCHING YOU BURN UP
WATCHING YOU BURN UP
OH, PALE BLUE EYES SO YOUNG
PALE BLUE EYES SO FAR AWAY
WASH ME WITH HIS SORROW
FORGIVE, ME ALL HIS PAIN
AND IVE COME HERE TO CONFESS
TO THE WIND AND RAIN THE GLORIOUS FLAME
AND IVE COME HERE ALL UNDRESSED
FOR THE NUMB AND THE DUMB
OH SAY THE NAME THAT YOU BURN UP
WATCHING YOU BURN UP
WATCHINING YOU BURN
--