(no subject)
I tried of a way to explain this in a less messy way
but it's not possible to cleanly describe a mess:::
Dillon &i could only manage to be around each other
for a few days. We parted ways at a dive motel in portland.
Probably one of the last times I will ever see him.
I am over it. I finally got the clean break, i've dreamed of.
he says he'll never give up. i see no spark in him,
no future, no interest. i feel so good in this. i can
finally not feel guilty for thinking of someone other than him.
life is really strange, because right when you think
you understand what's going to happen. or predict
what's going to happen. kahhhhhhbam. it's all different.
i think i enjoy this. even if sometimes it's bad.
i feel very angry towards tyler. everyone knows.
he hurt me. i let him in. and he made shit of it.
i am better without him. he would only weigh me down.
i love home. coming home from vacation made it
feel like home. my little house. with magnets on the fridge and a
duck tape antenna. and 9348 shampoos.
dirty clothes. and locked doors. it's mine! lovely.
seeing jess was the best of times.
i felt. the spark i felt when i first met her.
when i thought she was just the bees knees.
looking up to someone who is only a few small
years older than me is probably creepy.
but i adore her.
i want to move to portland.
i love it.
i am scared though.
what do i have to lose?
comfort? most of my friendships exsist through my telephone.
it's friday night and i am sitting at a coffee shop.
typing away. drinking green tea.
i am sure the highlight of my night will
be the 11 o'clock news.
i am proud of myself.
i think i may be straight
after all,
but i am still very proud.
i love be able to live my own life.
and make my own choices.
although i may die from my new car...
that's a real fucking fun story..
driving home from portland going 60
because if the headlights are on. the RPMS
rev. up like a whole rpm.. then half way home
the dashboard lights go off. ..
windows are foggy, driving with cracked windows
and having the hugest headache because there is
some sort of gas/exhaust leak into the car.
yikkkkkes.
i am just thankful i made it home.
i love you,
e