(no subject)
So it's been a really long time since I've used this thing, but I'm thinking getting out my feelings might be a productive activity at this point in my life.
I am fucking miserable. I'm unsatisfied with my life to the tenth degree. I feel directionless at this point and weighed down. And I'm pretty positive that half of what I'm going to say here is going to be in another private entry because I am going to hell. I just feel as if I need to find my "nitch". I'm closing in on twenty, those years where shit didn't really matter are over to me, I suppose. I feel as if it's time to either get some real living out of the way, or turn into an adult. I always say I want to make the most out of the life I've got, but I feel as if I have the least fulfilling life possible. I want to travel. I want to meet people, help people. Do things most people don't. Also. Funny, because I have a "career", yet I make basically nothing. I made more money when I was sixteen as the receptionist. FML.
I feel like my relationship, which is nearing in on two years is as stale as the moldy bread I have on the counter. I can't live with him ever again because we see how that went. We both agree marriage is out of the question. He frequently makes comments referring to my "future boyfriends" and says things such as, "oh.. you know we won't be together then". How can you take that seriously? I cant remember the last time I felt butterflies. Am I just fucking numb to it all now? I feel as if I am just living day to day, dragging my life out like a heavy dead body. I feel like in one sense, we help each other out. Deep down I kind of feel like we're a poison for each other, our relationship is kind of like a plague. I deep down love and care for him as a person, and hope the best for his because he's been there for me through a lot. Although, he has caused a lot of grief for me. It's hard to admit someone would be maybe, possibly, better off without you...
I need that one in a million.
I am fucking miserable. I'm unsatisfied with my life to the tenth degree. I feel directionless at this point and weighed down. And I'm pretty positive that half of what I'm going to say here is going to be in another private entry because I am going to hell. I just feel as if I need to find my "nitch". I'm closing in on twenty, those years where shit didn't really matter are over to me, I suppose. I feel as if it's time to either get some real living out of the way, or turn into an adult. I always say I want to make the most out of the life I've got, but I feel as if I have the least fulfilling life possible. I want to travel. I want to meet people, help people. Do things most people don't. Also. Funny, because I have a "career", yet I make basically nothing. I made more money when I was sixteen as the receptionist. FML.
I feel like my relationship, which is nearing in on two years is as stale as the moldy bread I have on the counter. I can't live with him ever again because we see how that went. We both agree marriage is out of the question. He frequently makes comments referring to my "future boyfriends" and says things such as, "oh.. you know we won't be together then". How can you take that seriously? I cant remember the last time I felt butterflies. Am I just fucking numb to it all now? I feel as if I am just living day to day, dragging my life out like a heavy dead body. I feel like in one sense, we help each other out. Deep down I kind of feel like we're a poison for each other, our relationship is kind of like a plague. I deep down love and care for him as a person, and hope the best for his because he's been there for me through a lot. Although, he has caused a lot of grief for me. It's hard to admit someone would be maybe, possibly, better off without you...
I need that one in a million.