all of the relationships in my life feel crazy and on edge, and due…: 19205168

19205168

(no subject)

Jul 20, 2006 22:36

all of the relationships in my life feel crazy and on edge, and due largely to the fact that this is only 50% my imagination / nerves making things up - i'm vowing to be done worrying about them so much. i feel like i put so much into everything i do lately - and it is just exhausting me! high hopes, but realistically i just don't have enough time to be all of the places i want to be with all the people i love, so it is silly for me to stress about the impossible.
i love when science can explain emotions. it makes me feel less crazy. lately, i feel so crazy. the things that come out of my mouth - 99% of the time this week i've just wanted to vacuum sucker them back inside. but i am just too tired tired tired to think before i speak.
the weakerthans was last friday. i'm scared to say how much i loved it because do you ever have a good time, and you think everything is great - and then after you are very much taken by surprise by the person you were with being very uspet with the whole affair? and then you feel like a complete idiot for feeling like you were having a good time the whole time and being completely oblivious to well i don't know everything? that's how i feel about it.
and lastly, i need to decide on a fucking personality. or at least a mood. or at least not be offended when people say that i am one thing which i am not proud of being that day (even though i was totally into acting that way the day before, and probably will be fine with it again tomorrow).
maybe it's not just in my best interest that i've been spending so much time alone lately. at home, anyway. i'm thinking it's good that i'm only going to be in boston to work this weekend (and that is it!). i feel too wound up in that whole situation right now. especially since tonight i caught myself waiting up for a phone call i should've known better than to expect to be worth the wait.
i am constantly at war with myself.
and constantly at work, so why is the balance of my bank account looking so pathetic.
sometimes it's a temper tantrum, and sometimes it's a passive, sleepy nod of head to whatever it is you are trying to tell me. less often than before (to my disgust), "i don't care." no matter what it is, more often than not i am left feeling defeated. every conversation in my life in the past week has felt like a quarrel. i need some time away.
i am lacking the composure that usually makes me so secure with my decisions and my feelings. i am lacking my usual tone of voice, my usual pattern of speech, my usual manner of expression (my usual social security blanket). feeling subpar.
usually writing things out (like how crazy i am feeling) helps me make sense of it all. like i can just organize my thoughts until they make sense on paper. no. right now the more i am writing the more infuriated i get and crazier i seem, even to myself.
it's just because i can't put my finger on what is bothering me (about everyone). i never even imagined half the people in my life acting the way that they are, and i have absolutely no idea how to even handle it. i can't even get past comprehending it.