The Sixth Essay
Inevitably there comes a time in our lives where we must make a choice to show kindness and forgive, or withhold kindness and not forgive. All of us come upon these cross roads in our agons and our pursuits of our potential. Weather it be the unintentional or even the intentional hurt delivered from a friend, a lover, a mentor, weather it is a wrong committed to us by a random stranger, or a betrayal of the heart, we are all faced in our lives, with the opportunity to show kindness and forgive.
There is even a precedent for forgiveness in the bible. Jesus tells us to pray that God forgives our depts or our transgressions as we forgive those who have a dept to us or have transgressed against us. When confronted with the question “How many times should I forgive my brother?” Jesus responds with an answer that is the equivalent of saying “Forever!”
Some things I can forgive on the spot and never think anything of it again. Some things I hold onto until the other person asks for forgiveness from me. I sometimes find just the very act of being asked to forgive opens up something inside of me that makes me want to forgive. But, then to my disgrace, there are some things that I won’t forgive, I don’t have it inside of me to forgive, or if I do, I am unwilling to let it loose to do so.
There is this man in my life who I struggled to forgive. I just didn’t have the kindness, the love inside of me to do it. Every time I saw him I hated him for all the things he has done, all the lies he has told, the cruel thoughts and words he has had. Perhaps hate is too strong a word, in fact it would be dishonest to say I hate this person, but I could not find it in myself to forgive him. My kindness ran too short. It breaks my heart that this is true of me, and it is a great shame for me to admit.
But what does this have to do with kindness? Why is it that I need to depend on the levels of my kindness in order to forgive not only this person but others? Are not kindness and forgiveness two different things? I have come to believe that they are not two different things, but two aspects of the same thing. In order to forgive, we must have kindness, and in order to be kind we must show forgiveness. Without kindness, we do not have the ability to truly forgive someone of the wrongs they do us. To wipe the slate clean, and move on as though nothing ever happened.
There was a point in my life, when I was dating a girl who ended up moving quite literally to the other side of the world as me, one day, I hurt her very badly, I betrayed her trust and laid in the arms of another woman. The guilt ripped through me immediately, and I almost audibly heard God telling me if I wanted to set things right, if I wanted to learn what it meant to be a man of God, then I would confess my sins and I would deal with the consequences. I was torn apart inside, my own guilt and sorrow at what I did paled in comparison to the pain I knew she must feel as I told her what happened. I hated myself. I spent days on my knees begging God to forgive me, earnestly seeking Him to see where I went wrong, how I fell so far, asking Him to carry me through this dark time in my life and not turn His back on me. I cried for days because of who I had become.
But I did not cry as hard as the day I opened my email and read the first words from her I received since I told her. “I forgive you, and so does God.” If I wasn’t completely broken before, I assure you, I was then.
Despite the pain I caused her, she forgave me, despite the betrayal I committed, she forgave me, despite the promises I broke, she forgave me. And not only that, but God, in my repentance of my horrible sin, forgave me as well. There was only one person who did not forgive me, there is just one person who still struggles to not hold that before me and say, “Look what you did here, what makes you think you won’t do that now?” And that is me.
In the best of circumstances it is difficult to forgive someone; in the worst it is almost impossible. Any circumstance needs God. When we refuse to accept forgiveness, we are in a sense refusing to accept the very gift God offers us. Forgiveness isn’t just about righting the payment for our sins, it is about setting us on the path to restoration with God, and when we refuse to forgive ourselves for sins and mistakes we have made in the past, then we are placing hurdles in the way of that restoration process.
I had to learn to be kind with myself in order to then forgive myself. My path was four years of singleness dedicated to the Lord. For the past four years I have been single, not giving into the desires I have had to date, having made a pact that this time was a time for me to grow alone in God. The experience has been amazing. Hard, difficult, painful even at times, but utterly and truly amazing and well worth every day. During this time I learned how to forgive myself for the wrongs I have committed others, and myself, and God. I have learned how to accept forgiveness. And this all stemmed by first learning how to be kind to myself.
It all rolls into kindness. Bing kind is so much more than just saying a nice thing here, or doing a nice thing there, it is a frame of mind, a putting down of self, a dying to self that we must do. It is looking at the people around you and doing things to bring little bits of joy to them, bringing comfort to them, lending them a hand, forgiving them their wrongs. Being kind is another way of loving your neighbor as your self.
And when we find our kindness low, or our forgiveness just not there, remember what Jesus said as he was hanging on a cross for our sins, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
There is even a precedent for forgiveness in the bible. Jesus tells us to pray that God forgives our depts or our transgressions as we forgive those who have a dept to us or have transgressed against us. When confronted with the question “How many times should I forgive my brother?” Jesus responds with an answer that is the equivalent of saying “Forever!”
Some things I can forgive on the spot and never think anything of it again. Some things I hold onto until the other person asks for forgiveness from me. I sometimes find just the very act of being asked to forgive opens up something inside of me that makes me want to forgive. But, then to my disgrace, there are some things that I won’t forgive, I don’t have it inside of me to forgive, or if I do, I am unwilling to let it loose to do so.
There is this man in my life who I struggled to forgive. I just didn’t have the kindness, the love inside of me to do it. Every time I saw him I hated him for all the things he has done, all the lies he has told, the cruel thoughts and words he has had. Perhaps hate is too strong a word, in fact it would be dishonest to say I hate this person, but I could not find it in myself to forgive him. My kindness ran too short. It breaks my heart that this is true of me, and it is a great shame for me to admit.
But what does this have to do with kindness? Why is it that I need to depend on the levels of my kindness in order to forgive not only this person but others? Are not kindness and forgiveness two different things? I have come to believe that they are not two different things, but two aspects of the same thing. In order to forgive, we must have kindness, and in order to be kind we must show forgiveness. Without kindness, we do not have the ability to truly forgive someone of the wrongs they do us. To wipe the slate clean, and move on as though nothing ever happened.
There was a point in my life, when I was dating a girl who ended up moving quite literally to the other side of the world as me, one day, I hurt her very badly, I betrayed her trust and laid in the arms of another woman. The guilt ripped through me immediately, and I almost audibly heard God telling me if I wanted to set things right, if I wanted to learn what it meant to be a man of God, then I would confess my sins and I would deal with the consequences. I was torn apart inside, my own guilt and sorrow at what I did paled in comparison to the pain I knew she must feel as I told her what happened. I hated myself. I spent days on my knees begging God to forgive me, earnestly seeking Him to see where I went wrong, how I fell so far, asking Him to carry me through this dark time in my life and not turn His back on me. I cried for days because of who I had become.
But I did not cry as hard as the day I opened my email and read the first words from her I received since I told her. “I forgive you, and so does God.” If I wasn’t completely broken before, I assure you, I was then.
Despite the pain I caused her, she forgave me, despite the betrayal I committed, she forgave me, despite the promises I broke, she forgave me. And not only that, but God, in my repentance of my horrible sin, forgave me as well. There was only one person who did not forgive me, there is just one person who still struggles to not hold that before me and say, “Look what you did here, what makes you think you won’t do that now?” And that is me.
In the best of circumstances it is difficult to forgive someone; in the worst it is almost impossible. Any circumstance needs God. When we refuse to accept forgiveness, we are in a sense refusing to accept the very gift God offers us. Forgiveness isn’t just about righting the payment for our sins, it is about setting us on the path to restoration with God, and when we refuse to forgive ourselves for sins and mistakes we have made in the past, then we are placing hurdles in the way of that restoration process.
I had to learn to be kind with myself in order to then forgive myself. My path was four years of singleness dedicated to the Lord. For the past four years I have been single, not giving into the desires I have had to date, having made a pact that this time was a time for me to grow alone in God. The experience has been amazing. Hard, difficult, painful even at times, but utterly and truly amazing and well worth every day. During this time I learned how to forgive myself for the wrongs I have committed others, and myself, and God. I have learned how to accept forgiveness. And this all stemmed by first learning how to be kind to myself.
It all rolls into kindness. Bing kind is so much more than just saying a nice thing here, or doing a nice thing there, it is a frame of mind, a putting down of self, a dying to self that we must do. It is looking at the people around you and doing things to bring little bits of joy to them, bringing comfort to them, lending them a hand, forgiving them their wrongs. Being kind is another way of loving your neighbor as your self.
And when we find our kindness low, or our forgiveness just not there, remember what Jesus said as he was hanging on a cross for our sins, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”