My First Entry.
3:25 coming off a heavy buzz. I hate beer. It tastes like watered-down ass and i won't hear any different. Promila bought me a very excellent leather-bound journal for xmas. She is a good kid. Her boyfriend named her implant princesses Nikki and Paris...vomit. But at least she is happy. Promila is my token female friend that I rant to and ask advice about that raging heart crushing testicle smashing gender/demon known as the female. These demons are what I have hated as of the last almost 3 months. I had roughly 15 on/off months with Lauren the girl that I had told myself that if I made it to junior year of college with this girl, I would propose and marry her my senior year. That ended out of the blue I still hear the resounding words of me no longer being "a challenge" what the hell am I supposed to be Tetris? That one will continue to haunt me for awhile. Never the less I have moved on. I found a very cool emo chick at Lipscomb...who knew? That was sweet for the two dates it lasted. Turns out, she was a total whore. So masturbation sounds like a great plan for awhile. I hope Lauren reads this. I don't know how to talk to her anymore. So I check her Live Journal from time to time to make sure she is breathing. The last time she im'd me, she asked if I had any desire to be her friend and I told her I honestly didn't know and I honestly dont know. I don't hate her. As much as she may think that I do. I saw her over thanksgiving break it's awkward still being good friends with her little brother. I wonder if that angers her? When I saw her I felt like my family just died. It was a sickening silence that I had never felt before in my life. Which brings me to Christmas...I bought Jonathan a few gifts. So I have to make a stop at their house. Lauren will be there and so will that feeling. I don't expect that to go away but I don't want there to be any feelings of anger for one another on that day. Not for me or Lauren but for Jonathan's sake. I'm sure it is plenty awkward enough for him as it is. I think I'll leave a card in her stocking before she makes it home telling her that I'm sorry things went to shit between us, but hey, for one day lets hide the hatchets in our backs because xmas sweaters are too cumbersome to wear with those things hanging out. It was all a suprise was the thing. I remember a day at her dorm when I said to myself "This will end. This is not forever and we will move on."...I didnt believe it I couldn't. I just thought it was my ocd...my silly thoughts. I mean what about the kids ya know? What about Miles and Stella and our wedding...I continue to feel a great feeling of embarassment for opening myself up so much. I imagine it is the kind of embarrassment a parent would feel if they had a mentally handicapped child. You had hopes for them and then when they came into living, those dreams could never come true...yet you still had to love them. Two positive things came from Lauren and I. She popped almost every cherry I had to be popped, and I started writing again...ALOT. Which is why I'm so glad Promila bought me that journal. It is very Cruel Intentions in fashion, and now I can finally place my writings in one place as opposed to scattered notebooks. So Lauren, if you read these entries consider them my continued streams of conciousness... it's the only way I know to communicate with you and then only way I can communicate with all other parties interested. I don't hate you. I Couldn't if I tried and believe me I have. Remember that. I just don't know when I will be able to talk to you and call you a friend again and actually mean it. Also in the headlines, my hair is getting longer, I am doing crazy business with my bangs, and I am getting more grey hairs. Who knows maybe it will have that Richard Gere sex appeal and I will score with the older ladies...eh? eh?! Lipscomb does have some cool kids not many, but a few. I'll work with what I've got. The ladies however are 99% dog, .8% troll, and .2% semi-attractive...God help me. I may get a job at Abercrombie or Gamecrazy or Hot Topic I'm pretty sure any of those three would take me. I need something to keep me busy over break and next semester which is going to be a super easy one I think. This semester was ok. I wish it had gone better, it was hard. That is no excuse though and I have full intentions on breaking out the bondage leather and handcuffs to beat my remaining semesters into sweet submission. I think im done this morning. Be back soon.